To move or not to move...

[mumto5]

I’m finding this to be a real dilemma. Where we are we are so well set up. We have a great homeschooling group, friends, people I can call on if there is an emergency when my husband is travelling, good house, the kids have friends in the neighbourhood, nice section ,swimming pool … you get the picture. The only thing that really stinks is that my husband has a long commute to work which means he is gone before I wake up and arrives home any time between 6.30-8pm, sometimes later. It’s very tiring for him and takes away a lot of family time. For myself, it means that I have no opportunity to do anything for myself at this time.

If we move, the working hours will be cut back to somewhat ‘normal’ hours as we will eliminate the commute. It will open up opportunities for me as well as mean that I can have my husband around more and the children can have their father around more. We may have to take a hit in income but that is probably the least of my concerns. It’s so hard to leave somewhere we are so established and settled - especially since I don’t make friends easily as I’m a bit shy / under-confident. The children like it here and my parents live an hour an a half away. The move would take us considerably further away and I know my mother would be very upset if we moved. I feel guilty about this but I also know that my first concern has to be my husband and family, not my mother’s feelings. She did move to the other side of the world with us after all so we’ve never known our extended family.

I’m just feeling so torn on what to do. If I move it will be solely because I think it’s not fair for my husband to have a long commute and have to get up early. I know how tired he was last year (he’s been on sabbatical this year so home more) and I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to continue that way. OTOH, my mother says I need to think of myself too as I’m pivotal in keeping the family together (true - my husband is not a coper) and if I don’t have support and am unhappy, that won’t help the family either.

Maybe I should just pray for a ‘sign’ or something but I can’t help thinking about it. I’d rather relocate overseas if we were going to move but that has it’s own challenges too. It could be a great move but it’s very hard to leave my network of friends and start over again where I know no-one. It’s also terrifying to think of having some sort of emergency when my husband is overseas and being alone with five children.

I’d appreciate any thoughts on this. And uninvolved perspective would be very useful.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

First piece of advice, don’t make any rash decisions!!!

You tell us why moving would be good/bad, but what does your husband think?

Did you guys move to your current location knowing that he would have that far of a commute? If so, why did you think that was ok? What has changed?

I think you need to make a list (pros/cos) of staying/moving and then discuss it in detail with your husband. Take you time, pray.

How old are your children? I don’t think they should tell you whether to move or stay, but getting their opinion (if they are old enough) would give you a different perspective.

I know that you will get plenty of helpful advice here, but I just wanted to reply so that you know someone hears you.

Malia

 

[mumto5]

Feanaro's Wife:

First piece of advice, don’t make any rash decisions!!!

You tell us why moving would be good/bad, but what does your husband think?

Did you guys move to your current location knowing that he would have that far of a commute? If so, why did you think that was ok? What has changed?

I think you need to make a list (pros/cos) of staying/moving and then discuss it in detail with your husband. Take you time, pray.

How old are your children? I don’t think they should tell you whether to move or stay, but getting their opinion (if they are old enough) would give you a different perspective.

I know that you will get plenty of helpful advice here, but I just wanted to reply so that you know someone hears you.

Malia

Thanks, when we moved here we were 15 minutes from his job. Then we had the choice of moving internationally or his taking the job with the long commute with twice the money (things were tight back then!). We know a lot of people that do that commute so thought, why not give it a go? It’s been tough but we’ve really got ahead. But in the long term, I don’t know that it’s good to keep it up.

My husband likes the idea of being able to walk to work and being able to give me a chance to do something. OTOH, he does realise we are very well set up here other than his job. That’s the sole factor and no, he can’t come back here. I guess I’m trying to clarify my very confusing and conflicting thoughts before we really have to talk about it.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

mumto5:

Thanks, when we moved here we were 15 minutes from his job. Then we had the choice of moving internationally or his taking the job with the long commute with twice the money (things were tight back then!). We know a lot of people that do that commute so thought, why not give it a go? It’s been tough but we’ve really got ahead. But in the long term, I don’t know that it’s good to keep it up.

My husband likes the idea of being able to walk to work and being able to give me a chance to do something. OTOH, he does realise we are very well set up here other than his job. That’s the sole factor and no, he can’t come back here. I guess I’m trying to clarify my very confusing and conflicting thoughts before we really have to talk about it.

What a tough situation to be in!

I don’t know what I would do if I were you. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I am just not very wise, lol. But I can pray for you.

Talk to your husband, he may be able to help you sort out your feelings. You are there to lessen eachother’s burdens, let him help you.

malia

 

[carol_marie]

Could you go check out the area where you’d be moving?(the one closer to his work - not the international one) Maybe visit the public library… ask if there are homeschool groups that they know of? Visit the parish… sort of do your homework to see what you’re getting yourself into. Maybe the other town will have all of the things that you like about where you live now? Your children will make new friends… I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Also, you could always plan to meet with their old friends once or twice a month? And you will make friends too. Once you find a homeschool support type group & you meet up with your children’s friend’s Moms… it will all fall into place.

I wouldn’t worry about moving from your Mom… you will still be within driving distance and I think it would be great if your husband was able to spend less time on the road & more time with all of you.

We had to move from Florida to Illinois when I was 8 months preganant with my 2nd daughter due to my husband’s job transfer. And just like you, all I could see was all that I was giving up. But God is so good and as it turns out… I like it here SOOOOOO much more than where we used to live. Yes, your life is good now… but maybe it will be even BETTER after you move.

Pray about it and do your homework. I wish you all the best
CM

 

[cheddarsox]

Me and kids have followed dad’s schooling and career all around the Southeast. It wasnt’ easy, hard to leave friends, resources etc.But we gained with each move.We met people, saw how things are done in different areas. I learned skills etc I wouldn’t have had to if I had “stayed comfortable” The kids learned how to cope with new places, situations etc.

It was hard, but none of us are sorry we did it. And honestly, when we look at family members who stayed in the same place, they seem so boring and stuck in their ways. Unable to adapt and cope.

Every place we lived had good points and bad points, but we are fuller more thoughtful people for having taken the risks, etc. A move is not the end of the world, though, believe me, I know it is a TON of work to relocate, even locally. But it is not a make it or break it situation. if you don’t like the new situation, you can amend it or move again.

You can never get family time with husband back, and you know how fast kids grow up. I would say, if hubby wants, take the chance and have that very special family time together.

cheddar

 

[captaincatholic]

It does sound like a tough situation, and a worthy petition to ask for the intercession of St. Joseph, both invoked in matters of buying/selling homes and as patron saint of Families!

We may be faced with a similar situation, but this time in reverse order. We are living in a relatively urban location about 15-20 minutes from DH’s work, but want to find a more rural or at least suburban place as our family (God-willing) grows. We both grew up in the country, so we would be very happy in a far away rural home, but that would mean a long and grueling commute. I will not compromise on this: I don’t want to lose more than 2 hours of family time for his daily commute, because I think it would be hard on all of us. It is good to see that you are thinking of this already, and at least open to the possibility of change.

May God bless you, and may your decisions be informed by the Holy Spirit!