Toddlers and Church

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amcalabrese

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I admit that I have not been good taking my 21 month old toddler to church. Usually, when I go, he is either sleeping or having lunch or something (my wife is a Lutheran and never even goes to her church).

So I have decided I need to do a better ob getting him to church. Today we had a “Damien moment” – when he got into church, he started yelling “NO NO NO!” I walked him outside, and an old priest walked up to me, tried to laugh and smile at my son. My son calmed down, so I took him back in and “NO NO NO!” began again. We did not make it through the first reading.

So I know I have lots of time, but any ideas on what to do (the only part of church he seems to like these days is blessing himself with the holy water). The reason my wife is a Lutheran and not a Catholic (she was baptised Catholic) is that her Catholic father never took her to church, and when she turned 13, her Lutheran mother simply took her to a Lutheran church to be confirmed.

I do not want to make the same mistake.

Should I be worried? Or simply chalk it up to the fact he is not even 2 yet and not worry.
 
I think that under two is a bit young to appreciate mass. That is my opinion. When your child is maybe 3 1/2 perhaps he will sit a bit longer (especially if you sit close to the front so he can see all the “action.”) If he’s still too squirmy at 3 1/2 - after several failed attempts, I’d try again at 4. After 4 - no excuses - he should be old enough to sit somewhat still for one hour. Since you don’t have the spiritual support of your wife I think it’s important for YOU to stay spiritually strong for your family. You are better able to do that if you can participate in the mass & not have to cart your “NO NO NO” yelling toddler out of the service. Trust me… it gets much easier as they get a bit older.
God Bless you,
CM

P.S. But just because he isn’t old enough to sit through mass doesn’t mean you can’t do anything with him. Take him into the church when there isn’t a mass. Show him the cross - the holy water - let him kneel & pray with you for a bit. Get some wonderful children’s books and read to him. Show him lots of pictures of Jesus & Mary. Pray with him. Teach him to make the sign of the cross. There are all sorts of things you can do. 🙂
 
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amcalabrese:
I admit that I have not been good taking my 21 month old toddler to church. Usually, when I go, he is either sleeping or having lunch or something (my wife is a Lutheran and never even goes to her church).

So I have decided I need to do a better ob getting him to church. Today we had a “Damien moment” – when he got into church, he started yelling “NO NO NO!” I walked him outside, and an old priest walked up to me, tried to laugh and smile at my son. My son calmed down, so I took him back in and “NO NO NO!” began again. We did not make it through the first reading.

So I know I have lots of time, but any ideas on what to do (the only part of church he seems to like these days is blessing himself with the holy water). The reason my wife is a Lutheran and not a Catholic (she was baptised Catholic) is that her Catholic father never took her to church, and when she turned 13, her Lutheran mother simply took her to a Lutheran church to be confirmed.

I do not want to make the same mistake.

Should I be worried? Or simply chalk it up to the fact he is not even 2 yet and not worry.
Click to expand...
A 2 year old will cry “No, No, No” when you:
  1. Bath him
  2. Change him
  3. Feed him healthy food
  4. Put him to sleep
  5. Etc
You would not give up doing these things for your child because they are all good for him. Going to Church is good for him. Have patient persistence.
 
I would obviously want to explore why a two year old was telling me “no”. But i never let my twins decide what we were going to do, at 2 or for quite a bit later, when it was something we needed to do.

And for all those folks out there who are afraid of hurting a child’s psyche by “forcing” them to do something they don’t want, that is called that dirty word “discipline”, which comes from discipulus, which as to do with teaching, and student.
 
We’ve taken our girls since birth. Granted, it’s easier considering both my husband and I are Catholic (I suppose) but it’s always a struggle from about 18 months through 3.5 years. My four-year-old now stands, sits and kneels with everyone else and SHE insists on the very front row she says, “So I can see.”

My theory on taking young ones to mass is that at some point they still have to learn to sit still throughout the whole service. Yes, it stinks to have to “do the walk” as I call it back to the back of the church with a screaming toddler, but no matter what…at age 2 or age 4 or age 6, you will HAVE to teach your child how to behave and participate in Mass. If you do it at 2…then you are that much more ahead by age 6.

When our girls act up during mass, they get taken to the back. Nowadays, this is regulated to the 2-year-old. She is more rambunctious than her sister…therefore, when we are standing in the back, I hold her facing away from me with her arms tucked into my arms so she can’t reach for things or play with things. It SHOULD NOT be a pleasant experience to be taken away from Church, IMO, so that they don’t like it. I see far too many parents who take their kids to the back and let them walk or run around. And I’m not one to tell others how to handle kids, but it doesn’t make much sense to me to make it fun time when they are supposed to be “punished” in a way for acting up. Anyway, depending on how grievous the occurrence was that forced us to remove the child, we either take them back to their seat once calm or remain in the back the rest of mass. Either way, we do not allow it to be a pleasant experience to be away from the family during Mass.

Good luck…teaching our children their Faith and teaching them how to behave during Mass is quite a challenge and there are many who believe that “Mass is not a place for young children.” I vehemently disagree and believe the sooner you can teach your children the importance of Mass and how to be a part of it, the better off you’ll be. But again, that’s my opinion. 😉

Alas, we have gotten our girls through the past 4 weeks with no incidents…we are just starting to feel good about that and we get to start over again come February with our newborn! Good luck and keep at it. Your child will receive many graces and blessings just by being present at mass.

God Bless.
 
I know it’s hard. My husband is not catholic so I didn’t take my son much when I went to Mass. My daughter was easy to control and was the only child at the time and now she is almost four and does everything at mass.

My son is almost two and only makes it through offatory. I wish I had taken him all the time, when he was a baby but I was lazy. I usually end up taking him out for the last half of Mass.

Now we have a baby and I am begging my husband to go with me just until they are all old enough to sit. Maybe by then he will have converted:)
 
Ditto Michelle in KC’s reply…

Keep bringing him to Mass. Sit near the front. Just keep at it. He’ll come around by 4 or so.

By the way. Leave the Cheerio’s, raisins, and other snacks at home. When he’s 4 he’ll know that Mass is not a time for snacks, talking, going potty, etc.

Say the Our Father to him frequently…soon he may recognize that part of Mass and be able to participate (if he makes it that long).
 
You know, I have 4 kids, and with the first three I kept taking them to mass, despite their wiggliness, etc. Eventually, they did figure it out. My older two, ages 11 and 14, can even be trusted to go to mass by themselves now and even usher. My youngest, who will be turning three soon, is a terror. I have finally given up on taking him to mass. He says he wants to go, but it is impossible to keep him quiet and out of people’s personal space. He is strong and stubborn. Fortunately, he will be old enough in the fall for Sunday School, so we will go to mass while he is in Sunday School. I can’t wait!!

So, long story made short, there are great reasons to stick it out, but I can understand if it is more than you can deal with.

By the way, there is no reason your wife “has” to be Lutheran now. RCIA classes are probably starting up at your parish.
 
When my children were young, I used to bring them to church and when they would “act up”, I would either take them to the back, or leave and go home. There were many times we never stayed for a whole mass. I remember several times we would only last 10 minutes. I had no problem with that as I knew it was unreasonable to require a toddler to be still and quiet for an hour.

I also figured I needed to think about the other people who came to mass and didn’t need the distraction of my child.
 
I guess I’m kinda lucky in that my church as a “crying room” - a seperate room divided by room with windows that look into the church, yet shield the rest of the congregation from noise made by little ones. I took my kids there for a couple of years, then slowly introduced them into the main body of the congregation.

Another trick I used was to bring paper and pencil and have them draw quietly during Mass. Once they got older, they started paying more attention to Mass.
 
I would suggest talking with your wife and letting her know how important this is to you. If you were married in the Catholic Church, then you agreed to raise your children Catholic. Let her know that you want her to be a part of that and encourage her to come along. Her presence there may help the toddler to see that attending is important and not optional.

Also, I wouldn’t be above bringing snacks. Anything you can do to set your toddler at ease during this time will be great. Bring small toys, religious books (show pics of Jesus and Mary and quietly point them out on the altar), and snacks (my toddler likes cheerios or goldfish crackers). The above poster who mentioned not bringing snacks said something about knowing it’s not snack time by 4. One of my tots is 2 1/2 and can now get through Mass without it. I wouldn’t suggest trying to take him now, waiting longer to try again, etc. because then it is foreign and boring. The more you expose him to the experience, the more he’ll be conditioned to expect it and it won’t be such a struggle. Also, if it’s possible to take him to a weekday Mass or times other than Sunday, then it would be less crowded and perhaps less overwhelming to him. Taking him there just to pray or show him the church is another great suggestion from another poster.

All in all, don’t give up! He’ll come around if you are persistent. We have taken both our children since birth and they sit quietly through the Mass and usually are not much of a distraction. I think it’s just because they are familiar with it and know what to expect. If I tried taking my 2 1/2 year old right now, for the first time, she wouldn’t last without a meltdown. Again, I would suggest trying to get your wife on board to help- I think that would be the best solution, but otherwise bring along a bag of “surprises” that he can only see if he sits there. Also, maybe trying different Mass times. Maybe a Saturday night would work better with his temperment, or taking him to the earilest Sunday Mass might leave him groggy enough to not resist. Just keep trying until something works and GOOD LUCK!!!
 
I agree with the suggestion to take your son to church at times when Mass isn’t going on. We are fortunate to have a church that is always open, so often if we are just driving by, my sons and I will stop in and say hi to Jesus and Mary and say a prayer. They also love to bless themselves with holy water, too.

During Mass we sit within the first few pews and it makes such a difference. It takes time and patience to get kids to behave during Mass. Hopefully you have an understanding priest and parish.
 
Every child is different, so you have to find a balance of what works with your childs temperament and your parenting style.

We also have a 21 month old. Mass has always been a challenge, but we’ve always brought him. The best thing that I have found are picture books. He will sit quietly on my lap for at least half the Mass looking at pictures. Sometimes he wants to know what the word to the picture is so I will whisper it in his ear.

When our son gets loud, we can usually distract him long enough so he forgets about being loud (Where’s Jesus?, Can you touch your nose?, Look at Mommy’s scapular). But when nothing else works, we walk him to the back. We actually sit in the back where there are less people to distract since he moves around so much.

The last thing we do before every Mass is pray to St. Joseph for his intercession since our son’s name is Joseph. This little act, more than anything else, has aided in less and less trips to the back of the church. 😉
 
One thing I found that helped keep our kids under control during Mass was to pick them up and gently rock them in rhythm to the hymns. They considered this a special treat, and since there are so many hymns during Mass, they got to enjoy it often. We did this with them until they were too heavy to pick up.

I concur with everybody who said to bring picture books. I bought all I could find at our local thrift stores. Our kids would carefully pick out which books they wanted to bring. I also allowed them to bring a favorite doll or stuffed animal.
 
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amcalabrese:
…Should I be worried? Or simply chalk it up to the fact he is not even 2 yet and not worry.
Click to expand...
You’ve received some good advice–most of it suggesting you trust your parenting good sense to decide whether you can calm/distract your child well enough to keep him from being the parish terror every week.

One aspect of the “do we bring our toddler to church” debate I haven’t seen here is that with one parent always opting out of mass, staying home to be w/ mom becomes a much more attractive option to your child. Is there any way to modify that a little? Will your wife consider attending with you, even a couple of times a month, to make this more of a family outing than a chore? Little kids can often get enthused about getting dressed up, bringing their special church books, rosary, etc… If you follow up the eucharist with a family meal–whether at home or out–it becomes a wonderful ritual that kids can not only relate to the mass, but enjoy for the pleasure of being with their family.
 
Just keep taking em. If they fuss, they fuss. Try to be considerate of others and take them out as necessary, but try not to fall into the trap we did. If it is more “fun” outside of mass (i get to run around, be loud, etc.) or in the cry room, then they will WANT to go out, and not work to stay in and participate. At two there are attention span limits, and they may quitly flip through a book more than pay attention, but try to keep them in there as much as you can. They absorb more than you know.
 
…give in to the child, and be sure to reward the child for bad behavior at every opportunity…

sheese…

…i take it all back… good luck… your gonna need it…

Peace:thumbsup:
 
I, too, had to take my child to Mass alone. My husband isn’t Catholic and does not attend Mass. It was a living nightmare for the first couple of years. He would cry or scream, want down and want to run around. I would walk him out, hold him in the back and generally try to attend as much of the Mass that he would let me. I took one Sunday each month to attend without my son. It did not become a problem because my husband would always do something boring at home during that time. He would clean or something of the like, and my son would understand that he was missing something at Mass, but he wasn’t missing anything at home. At around age three, I got him some bible based books and he looked through those during the readings, but I made sure that he stood and kneeled when we did. He was then old enough to know that Church was quiet time. At age five, I no longer took one Sunday a month. He then attended with me every week. Now at age nine, he is fully part of the Mass. He still brings a bible book for before Mass. I like to get there very early, and he is through praying before Mass starts. And during the school year, we attend Mass at least once during the week, in addition to the weekend. He is well behaved and part of the Mass.
It took a number of years to get to a time that I could attend and he would behave. It has lots to do with age and will get better with time. 👍
 
I had no choice after my son was about ten months old, as their Dad left. I took my kids always, and made the walk out if needed. I attempted a cry room a few times, and was so very disgusted by the behavior of the PARENTS in there, as well as the play time atmosphere for the kids that I never used it again, anywhere, anyplace, anytime. Parents talking to each other! Kids racing around, playing, talking out loud…even the older ones. Not one kneeling for the Consecration, not one kneeling after Communion, and often, many less in the room AFTER Communion than before.

Taking child to Church to see the inside, the windows if there are stained windows, the statues, if any, etc and telling him this is where Jesus lives helps. It could be that the size of the crowd alone can scare him, the darker and very large area. Seeing it with few there can help. Attempting a daily Mass on occasion can accustom him to seeing people there.

I took children’s Mass books, children’s prayer books along. Occasionally my son ‘snuck’ a couple of matchbox cars or little people from his fischer price toys… and I was not above taking cheerios along. I know many think that this causes the child to ‘think’ that this is snack time, but NONE of my kids ever had any problem as they got older, and they hardly ever even came out of the diaper bag.

I think we forget that little ones can get hungry in between meals, and act up because of it. They don’t always eat a good meal when rushed, as often happens in the morning before Mass! But clean up any mess before leaving.

I am now grandma to four, after having raised my three alone. I also agree that taking the child OUT is not a playtime… rewarding for bad behavior by allowing him/her to play in the back. And we did NOT stay out all of the Mass unless it was REALLY bad, because I had two others in the pew without me.

Over the years, I was always complimented on the way my kids behaved in Church, other than the few times that it took for them to learn proper behavior.

It takes being parent, not buddy-pal to raise kids, and this is no different when it comes to going to Church. My son actually ‘sang’ with us as he got a little older, at about 18 months… ah ye YOU yah! ah ye YOU ya!
 
My 4yo is great now…not so great at two, but we stuck with it, and only recently got smart enough to actually try the front pew…WOW, what a difference! My 2yo is relatively good, but she has her moments, that’s for sure…I bring the crayola wonder markers and a corresponding book for them to color in if they get antsy, but usually my 4yo is too busy watching the priest intently, imitating him…lol. the markers keep my 2yo pretty involved with that, and not bugging everyone else. It’s hard, yes, but someone said on a similar post, is your child’s baptism any less valid than everyone else in that church? Then try to worry less about them, and more about getting your kiddo “into” the rythmn of being at mass for an hour. We also stop and get “Chinese chicken” most nights we go to mass…that’s part of the “tradition” someone else spoke of. OH, and I almost forgot…5pm mass on Sat is SOOO much better; fewer people to overwhelm them, they’re much more laid back and reserved later in the day after a nap as opposed to 9am on Sunday morning when they’re full of P and V…lol. Plus, it’s nice to be able enjoy a leisurely family Sunday at home when we aren’t stressing to get out the door by 8:30 to get a decent seat, etc…
 
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