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pipoluojo
Guest
What topics must be covered in a thorough pre-marriage counseling course? We are about to start one in my parish and want to cover all necessary topics.
Thanks.
Pip.
Thanks.
Pip.
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Giannawannabe
Guest
I was just talking to a friend about this. She and her husband are facilitators for a Pre-Cana marriage prep class. THe following are things addressed in the class:
NFP, in-laws, finances, infidelity, commitment through difficult times, how to raise children in the Faith, education of children, how many children to have and why, contraception and Church teachings on it, any existing difficulties (i.e. alcoholism, drug, infidelity), where to live, will wife stay home to raise children?, just to name a few
!!
NFP, in-laws, finances, infidelity, commitment through difficult times, how to raise children in the Faith, education of children, how many children to have and why, contraception and Church teachings on it, any existing difficulties (i.e. alcoholism, drug, infidelity), where to live, will wife stay home to raise children?, just to name a few
!!
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Island_Oak
Guest
I would also respectfully submit that a discussion about the role of friends is very important, i.e. the amount of time spent with them, the nature of activities, travel, opposite gender, workplace relationships, etc…
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Princess_Abby
Guest
I think covering something about communication styles is very important, too.
I know that sounds really “generic,” but it is, IMHO, one of the most important parts of a solid foundation for marriage.
Men and women tend to have different perspectives and therefore different styles of communication. Men tend to be more logical and women more emotional. Women sometimes drive an issue into the ground; men sometimes withdraw more often than not. These are researched facts, though they are stereotypes and not true across the board. To every rule, there are always exceptions.
However, as difficult as it is during a heated discussion, it has helped my husband and I to have very specific ground rules about what will or will not be said.
For instance:
*
We will not tolerate character assasination. (No namecalling, no offhand comments like, “You are so STUPID sometimes!” or “My God, what kind of moron does something like THAT!”)
We will respect the other’s requests. (“I’m really angry right now and I need 15 minutes to calm down before we discuss.”)
We will not go to bed angry.
We will never say anything that questions our committment to each other. (“Sometimes I wonder why I even married you!”)
*We have more, but you get the general point. I think it’s helpful to give couples an example, but to let them come up with their own boundaries about disagreements. (For instance, some people cannot tolerate yelling–while others need to release it and it does not phase their partner whatsoever. Everyone has different needs.)
You might also discuss “the language of love.” The premise is taken from a book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, I think. It talks about how each of us has a primary love language that enables us to feel extremely valuable and worthy. More often then not, people do not marry others who happen to have the same love language. Sometimes it can leave one spouse feeling very bereft and unloved if they are not receiving love in the way that makes them feel wonderfully cared for and adored. (The love languages are words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service and physical touch.) If a man’s love language is physical touch, but his wife’s is words of affirmation–imagine how those signals might get crossed. “Enough talking, sweetheart! Show me!”
I would also cover the concept of disillusionment. At some point, which will be different for every couple, one or the other partner will realize that marriage is not all roses nor picnics in the park. For faithful Catholic young people, it might even be that they realize the reality of marriage is not necessarily always the pure bliss and beauty spoken so eloquently and ideally within the pages of documents given to us by the Church and well-known theologians and lay people. That real life includes bumps, misunderstandings and human fallibility. I think it is so important to encourage these couples who have yet to experience the sacrament of matrimony, to not only expect this period of disillusionment, but to embrace the opportunity to love their spouse with an even fuller heart. It is easy to love when it feels good and everything goes our way. Sometimes it is much harder to love when circumstances and situations disappoint us. Regardless, I think young couples especially need encouragement to hope in the Lord and realize that for every difficulty, the Lord blesses and gives us the graces to struggle forward. And there are always hills after every valley!
I know that sounds really “generic,” but it is, IMHO, one of the most important parts of a solid foundation for marriage.
Men and women tend to have different perspectives and therefore different styles of communication. Men tend to be more logical and women more emotional. Women sometimes drive an issue into the ground; men sometimes withdraw more often than not. These are researched facts, though they are stereotypes and not true across the board. To every rule, there are always exceptions.
However, as difficult as it is during a heated discussion, it has helped my husband and I to have very specific ground rules about what will or will not be said.For instance:
*
We will not tolerate character assasination. (No namecalling, no offhand comments like, “You are so STUPID sometimes!” or “My God, what kind of moron does something like THAT!”)
We will respect the other’s requests. (“I’m really angry right now and I need 15 minutes to calm down before we discuss.”)
We will not go to bed angry.
We will never say anything that questions our committment to each other. (“Sometimes I wonder why I even married you!”)
*We have more, but you get the general point. I think it’s helpful to give couples an example, but to let them come up with their own boundaries about disagreements. (For instance, some people cannot tolerate yelling–while others need to release it and it does not phase their partner whatsoever. Everyone has different needs.)
You might also discuss “the language of love.” The premise is taken from a book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, I think. It talks about how each of us has a primary love language that enables us to feel extremely valuable and worthy. More often then not, people do not marry others who happen to have the same love language.
Sometimes it can leave one spouse feeling very bereft and unloved if they are not receiving love in the way that makes them feel wonderfully cared for and adored. (The love languages are words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service and physical touch.) If a man’s love language is physical touch, but his wife’s is words of affirmation–imagine how those signals might get crossed. “Enough talking, sweetheart! Show me!” I would also cover the concept of disillusionment. At some point, which will be different for every couple, one or the other partner will realize that marriage is not all roses nor picnics in the park.
For faithful Catholic young people, it might even be that they realize the reality of marriage is not necessarily always the pure bliss and beauty spoken so eloquently and ideally within the pages of documents given to us by the Church and well-known theologians and lay people. That real life includes bumps, misunderstandings and human fallibility. I think it is so important to encourage these couples who have yet to experience the sacrament of matrimony, to not only expect this period of disillusionment, but to embrace the opportunity to love their spouse with an even fuller heart. It is easy to love when it feels good and everything goes our way. Sometimes it is much harder to love when circumstances and situations disappoint us. Regardless, I think young couples especially need encouragement to hope in the Lord and realize that for every difficulty, the Lord blesses and gives us the graces to struggle forward. And there are always hills after every valley!
T
TarAshly
Guest
well i can tell you from personal experiance that the hardest parts for me as a still newlywed bride, were communication, disillusionment, sex and finances. these things sent me into a downward spiral quick. but thankfully the church supports her couples and we got what we needed. God Bless Retrouvaille! find out if you can get a Retrouvaille sponsor couple to come in and discuss Dialogue and its benefits for communication. trust me, no engaged couple wants to hear “hey its gonna suck sometimes” but i wish someone would have told me that before i walked down the aisle six months ago. would have made things a lot easier, and i wouldnt have felt like such a failure. I am now happily married and better prepared for lifes little BOMBS that it throws at you. i think its great you are seeking advice in these threads about this. maybe you can give better marriage prep than i received.
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YinYangMom
Guest
This is the program our parish uses. Hubby and I are facilitators.
Apparently it’s sponsored by the diocese so you might want to check yours first to see what they are using in other parishes under their jurisdiction.
foccusinc.com/
Our couples do this FOCCUS inventory through the church parish plus Engaged Encounter and a Natural Family Planning Seminar through the Diocesan Center before they are married.
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surfinpure
Guest
I agree with Princess Abby regarding communication, particularly conflict resolution. My husband and I had to work long and hard at this both before and after our wedding. We still work at it, but the “rules of engagement” have taken root and we apologize quickly when we’ve broken one. Our therapist gave us several very good phrases to use in communicating:
“This isn’t about you, this is about me” (when complaining about a pet peeve)
"It seems like you’re doing/saying this: ____. (This takes away the accusatory “You’re doing this”)
“When you do ___, it makes me feel ___. Would you consider doing ___ instead?”
“It sounds like you’re frustrated because ___” (a mirroring technique to help develop rapport, even when you’re angry)
There are lots of others that come to mind when things start to get heated. But if you don’t practice them when you’re calm, you won’t remember them when you’re not.
“This isn’t about you, this is about me” (when complaining about a pet peeve)
"It seems like you’re doing/saying this: ____. (This takes away the accusatory “You’re doing this”)
“When you do ___, it makes me feel ___. Would you consider doing ___ instead?”
“It sounds like you’re frustrated because ___” (a mirroring technique to help develop rapport, even when you’re angry)
There are lots of others that come to mind when things start to get heated. But if you don’t practice them when you’re calm, you won’t remember them when you’re not.
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Giannawannabe
Guest
This is a wonderful suggestion. When friends come to me with marital problems (somehow or another I’m always the “marriage counselor”We will never say anything that questions our committment to each other. (“Sometimes I wonder why I even married you!”)
), the first words on their lips is divorce or separation or “I never thought our marriage would work”. These types of thoughts, comments should NEVER be entertained. Marriage is a sacramental COMMITMENT!!! If, at the first signs of trouble, couples start mentioning divorce, sadly the more likely it will be become reality.Also, I didn’t mention in my above post, but I think infertility should also be discussed in pre-marriage counseling. This is a reality for many married couples. For my husband and I, it was the worst 6-7 years of our 18 year marriage. Kids are not always a “given” in marriage and discussions about what to do if a couple discovers they are infertile would be beneficial. Luckily, in our case, we were on the same page regarding adopting. Other friends of ours have not been so lucky-------and it can cause much heartache.
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pipoluojo
Guest
Dear All,
Thanks a lot for your wonderful contributions. I agree that the list of facts to know for successful marriage is extremely long. The initial and most effective school is the home where tutoring starts as early as the child could reason. But unfortunately this doesn’t happen and many marriages lack the flavour that God embedded in it. That is what moves many like you and I to want to do the little we can to help intending as well as young couples live their vocation to the full.
As I can deduce from what everyone has said, a core principle, in addition to the founding of the relationship on God through all that the Church teaches, is taking care of little things, and like Surf(name removed by moderator)ure submitted, if you don’t practise them when you are calm, you won’t remember them when you are not.
I think a good period of courtship is essential for successful and enduring marriage. The longer it is, the deeper the partners discover each other and mend ominous cracks before the vows seal all up. That’s what I benefitted from. Is it a universal truth?
Thanks a lot for your wonderful contributions. I agree that the list of facts to know for successful marriage is extremely long. The initial and most effective school is the home where tutoring starts as early as the child could reason. But unfortunately this doesn’t happen and many marriages lack the flavour that God embedded in it. That is what moves many like you and I to want to do the little we can to help intending as well as young couples live their vocation to the full.
As I can deduce from what everyone has said, a core principle, in addition to the founding of the relationship on God through all that the Church teaches, is taking care of little things, and like Surf(name removed by moderator)ure submitted, if you don’t practise them when you are calm, you won’t remember them when you are not.
I think a good period of courtship is essential for successful and enduring marriage. The longer it is, the deeper the partners discover each other and mend ominous cracks before the vows seal all up. That’s what I benefitted from. Is it a universal truth?
- Status