Torn in Half: where do I go?

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Maggie1996

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Okay so like the title says, I feel torn in half. I’m being pulled in 2 directions but I want for God to be clearer with me so I know where He is calling me. I do not want to take years and years and years without making a decision. All my life and now especially as a young woman of 23 years, my number one goal in life has been and is to be a loving wife and a devoted Catholic mother. I’ve been through some terrible relationships though. This past June (3 months ago) I was cheated on. I therefore am taking until the new year 2020 to heal before I start dating again. Which leads me to my next point…I also feel the pull to the cloister. It would be agonizing for me to give up my dreams of marriage, my sexuality, and my desire to bear and raise my own children. However, since I had a traumatizing near death experience nearly two years ago, I wonder if life in the convent would bring me closer to God. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
Thank you so much for your advice. It’s hard to know if I’m meant to be a bride of a man or a bride of Christ. I’m willing to make either decision but it obviously must be right.
 
I’d suggest finding a convent that attracts you and talking to the vocations director and/or doing the vocations day or discernment process they offer. Of course, pray a lot for direction. There does not seem to be any young man on the horizon for you at this time, and if none appears and you continue to feel the urge to discern a vocation, that might be the right path for you.
 
Maggie1996 said:
Okay so like the title says, I feel torn in half. I’m being pulled in 2 directions but I want for God to be clearer with me so I know where He is calling me. I do not want to take years and years and years without making a decision. All my life and now especially as a young woman of 23 years, my number one goal in life has been and is to be a loving wife and a devoted Catholic mother. I’ve been through some terrible relationships though. This past June (3 months ago) I was cheated on. I therefore am taking until the new year 2020 to heal before I start dating again. Which leads me to my next point…I also feel the pull to the cloister. It would be agonizing for me to give up my dreams of marriage, my sexuality, and my desire to bear and raise my own children. However, since I had a traumatizing near death experience nearly two years ago, I wonder if life in the convent would bring me closer to God. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
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@Maggie1996

Welcome to CAF, Maggie! Except for the occasional troller, we all mean well, but sometimes don’t come across that way.

There is much knowledge and wisdom scattered among us. Do a lot of reading and keep a list of book, blog, and website suggestions. You’ll find your answers.

Obviously, you’re one who prays and thinks a lot. Whenever possible, try participating in daily Mass and Adoration, and, now and then, tuck a retreat into your schedule. Throughout it all, place your trust in Jesus. He’ll see you through your decisions; just turn your life over to Him. Dedicate your life to Him, as a mother dedicates her children to Him; totally trust Him to guide you. It may take time, but He’ll lead you to the right decision for you.
 
That is why orders have “Come and See” weekends, why we have vocations directors. There is a long journey between “Come and See” and final professions, it takes years.
 
Maggie1996 said:
All my life and now especially as a young woman of 23 years, my number one goal in life has been and is to be a loving wife and a devoted Catholic mother.
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You’ve mentioned terrible relationships in the past. Can you describe the men from these relationships? Were they devout Catholic men, Christian non-Catholic men, men of another faith, or agnostic/atheistic men? How do you feel about how much God was involved in them? To clarify, I mean more about how much as a couple you both pursued God in the relationship and individually.
Maggie1996 said:
I also feel the pull to the cloister.
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Have you considered a week-long retreat to a monastery or convent (I’m still somewhat new to Catholicism, not Christianity though, so my terminology may be a little off) to get a feel for what that life might be like for you?
 
Since you don’t currently have a guy on the horizon, why not go on retreat or for a discernment weekend at a convent?

They won’t make you sign on the dotted line—it’s not like a time-share 🙂❤️
 
If you’re specifically considering a contemplative vocation versus a religious one in general I wonder if that’s a sign to lend more weight to. I’ve personally been interested in the Trappists before I came into the church a couple years ago. I’m going to make a retreat to see if this is just an interest or something more, or a combination of the two.

Something that was shared with me is that if there is a call, the idea of it will come to mind from time to time, and won’t go away, like a passing thought or fancy.
 
I visited four religious orders during my discernment process. It was a great experience.
 
Keep in mind that entering a religious community, cloistered or otherwise, should be a “running TO,” not a “running FROM.” Don’t think that just because you’ve had some unfortunate experiences with men that you are called to the cloister. One can also be a contemplative “in the world.” Look into Associate programs, Third Orders, etc. But don’t make any decision in haste.
 
@Maggie1996,

I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you as to which vocation you’re best suited for.

All the best and GOD bless! 😇😇😇
 
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Maggie1996 said:
It would be agonizing for me to give up my dreams of marriage, my sexuality, and my desire to bear and raise my own children. However, since I had a traumatizing near death experience nearly two years ago, I wonder if life in the convent would bring me closer to God.
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Maybe bad experiences aren’t necessarily a sign like a stop, or other traffic indication, just bad things that happen to us? And bad things can also take us closer to God because He also knows suffering through His Son and He knows the way out of it as well. You may be closer to Him already than you think actually. Ask Him for help, to send you someone whose dreams match yours. Also prayers to St. Anne, St. Nicholas and Arch. Gabriel are said to help with romantic/relationship/family problems. They can also help you discern vocation too.
Also prayers to St. Anthony the Great - desert mystic - help with a good marriage. Plus as a hermit he can help you discern spiritual vocations as well.
Praying for you.
 
Sundiver said:
I visited four religious orders during my discernment process. It was a great experience.
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@Sundiver
Did you then join an order, and, if so, in what capacity? What were
the pivotal moments that determined the course you’ve taken?
 
What I think you ought to do is to get some experience of the religious life. To do this you could do anything from spending a weekend on retreat with a community to living with a community for a year as an alongsider. You sound as if you are in a hurry. Well, I am afraid that is no how it works. Discernment and formation take time.
 
It’s a marathon not a sprint. It will take years to be sure of your decision. But, if you don’t at least seriously consider whether you are called to the cloister and at least go to a come and see weekend or two, you will regret it. That “what if” will be ever present in your life.

I’m speaking from experience here as someone who received the call to become catholic and seek out a religious vocation as a youngster and chose to ignore both promptings. I’m finally catholic. I chose marriage as my vocation. But, that “what if” is ever present.
 
Maggie1996 said:
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It is painful when someone you love does not reciprocate in action. Since there can be more than one potential spouse, this one heartbreak need not be the end of a vocation including marriage.

For cheating do you mean lied to about your relationship being exclusive, anticipating marriage?
 
I was raised Catholic. So, I believed everything without questioning. In 1982, at work, I was verbally assaulted by two Jehovah’s witness when they found out I was Catholic. I was shaken but I knew they were wrong. A priest friend at the college, I was attending, said,”You were never trained to defend the faith so don’t worry about it“. I wanted to know more so I could defend the faith. I began reading St. Teresa of Avila and apologist Catholic writers. This self-indoctrination moved me to pray and contemplate about the truth of Catholicism and I wanted to love God wholeheartedly.
Friends and family and I traveled to the annual Rosary Congress at the Immaculate Conception Shrine in Washington D.C. where I learned to pray the rosary on a deeper level. While at the Rosary Congress lay speakers, priests, and religious taught about the faith. I met with many priests and religious brothers there. I chose to go to the Franciscans in Michigan to discern the priesthood.
While I was there I became the head of construction for the new friary while studying catechism and philosophy. The visit allowed me to root out my faults and failings by the use of adoration, quiet contemplation, confession, mass, divine office, and rosary. We came in contact with many famous bishops and priests who were a great influence. I was able to follow the grace God was giving me to see clearly my true vocation. There was a constant dialogue with the brothers and priests about the faith. All of this seemed to purge my soul. I believe it helped me see my potential. Events began to occur in my spiritual life. I think they were signal graces. Mary became the clear lens and anchor within my soul.
I traveled around with the Franciscans and visited Dominicans, Father’s of Mercy, and other Franciscans. I went to take classes at the seminary in Connecticut. At this time I could not imagine myself as a preacher or priest. I was very interested in broad deep questions in the conservative Church doctrine. Marriage was on my mind as a possibility. My spiritual life deepened and I became different from the Franciscan community. I decided not to pursue the priesthood or brother for the time being. I had too many unanswered questions. I became focused on the way Mary was working in my soul. There was a reintegration of my soul. Piece by piece I became reestablished in the innocence I remembered from childhood.
 
@Sundiver

What beautiful experiences you’ve had! Thank you for telling us your story! I hope @Maggie1996 feels less stress in regard to self-imposed time constraints after reading about your path, and feels a greater sense of hope. Please keep us posted from time to time. Best wishes to you!
 
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Hello @Maggie1996!

I am also pulled in two directions but I now am diagnosed with a degenerative/neuromuscular disease. An acceptance to a convent as a disabled person is unlikely.

But when in doubt, pray. Do you have a spiritual director? If so, it will be good to talk to him. Also ask the Mother of God for help. I sometimes like to go to the Eucharistic chapel for prayer.

Pax!
 
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