Torn

[dafrenchman]

Allo

I’m 40 years old. We had the grace of having a baby girl 2 years ago.

The little one is growing fast indeed. My wife does have also a 20 year old daughter. My relationship with her has had many stressful episodes. I still don’t agree with the company she keeps for example.

Anyhow, my wife tells me the other day that she will let our older Daughter take our baby girl to a party for her New boyfriend’s daughter’s birthday. First I thought my wife was taking the baby there. Well I thought, not crazy about the idea. Mainly because the guy is covered with piercings and tattoos and dresses like some crack dealer. But then she tells me NO, she wants to let the baby go with them. I said NO.

I don’t know this guy and I trust my first impressions. I don’t want my daughter around that lifestyle to start with, and definetely not around it unattended.

So my wife tells me i’m too judgemental and not willing to trust our older daughter…

I say that if someone wants to look like a crack dealer then he very well maybe. I won’t take the chance.

What would would do?

Thanks

 

[Kerry_in_WA]

I wouldn’t care what the guy looked like. I wouldn’t let her go regardless!!! That is the kind of situation where kids are often not well-attended because the people “watching” them are immature themselves. Plus, you have not had enough opportunity to make sure that this is a safe person to have with your child irregardless of what he looks like! Do not let her go all in the name of touchy-feely non-judgementalism. Period. You cannot take back a bad incident and it is not worth the chance.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I agree with kerry…

don’t focus on the guy’s appearance…it obviously doesn’t matter to your wife. You need to point out all of your worries and then tell your wife that she is the only woman who you trust with your baby and that she is a wonderful mother. Tell her that you are just paranoid and that you will only be comfortable if your wife is watching the baby.

I doubt she will argue against a compliment. If she does then you will need much better advice.

Tell her you just want to take things slow…it’s not that you don’t trust her 20 year old daughter personally…just tell her you don’t trust anyone yet. You need time to adjust to this… maybe if you had the opportunity to see the 20 year old with the baby in a supervised environment (like your home), over time you would learn to trust her.

Malia

 

[StephanieC]

I’m confused…neither of you are invited to the boyfriend’s daughter’s birthday party, but your 20 year old daughter wants to take her 2 year old sister along?

As what, a fashion statement?! Or maybe she’s thinking, “Since my new boyfriend has a daughter, if I bring along a 2 year old, this will surely show him that I could be a good mother, and make him fall in love with me forever…”

The 20 year old is an adult. You may not approve of her choices, but if she is not living under your roof, you don’t have much say in her life.

Your 2 year old daughter is just a CHILD!! She is completely dependent on you and her mother for all of her basic needs…SAFETY being the foremost. She is not some plaything to be rented out for fun!

Be a Papa Grizzly Bear & don’t back down. Your instincts are telling you something–don’t second guess yourself. In my opinion, this really has nothing to do with the older daughter or her choice in company…and everything to do with being the daddy of a 2 year old, period.

 

[dafrenchman]

Thank you all for you replies.

I always trust my first imprssion as they seems to be rarely wrong. I really don’t like to form opinion on people on what they look like, which I don’t. But I do form opinions on what image they try and project.

How one carries oneself tells a lot about who he is.

I will talk to my wife some more and tell her not to let herself be held hostage by emotional blackmail. Which is what I kind of feels this is… You know: Let me take the baby, if you don’t let me it means you don’t trust me…

Hopefully all come out well.

Thanks.