Toxic friends. Help?

[Totustuus1213]

It is a hard subject to talk about and I have a lot of background story, but to make a very long story short, I was raised in a narcissistic family dynamic which basically means that if I “disobeyed” my parents growing up (aka anything they didn’t like) I would face physical and emotional (& borderline sexual) abuse. Because of this, I was never able to gain the right skills or confidence needed to defend myself in any situation.

Because of my childhood abuse and subsequent inability to defend myself, I have ended up in some really toxic friendships over the years. Once I had enough and decided I didn’t want to be a part of a friendship anymore, my ex-friends responded in some very unfortunate ways. While I can deal with anger targeted at me after having experienced so much of it growing up, what I have a very hard time dealing with is the character assassination that goes on after something like this fizzles. When I told one toxic friend (who I knew to have anger issues) I didn’t want to be involved with her anymore (in the least confrontational way possible after trying to simply let the friendship fizzle out unsuccessfully), she reacted with extreme anger and the next thing I know several other friends cut me out of their life. (There is almost 0% chance they didn’t find out what happened from her and I don’t open up about these things because I am scared) How do I get past events like this? These friends were very Catholic, so it was pretty surprising having to deal with this. It is also sad because I use to go to daily mass with them. I keep wishing I could go back and explain myself and get them to see that I don’t have hard feelings towards them and that I’m not a bad person (but that the co-dependant in me I’m sure). In the meantime, I have been trying to calm myself by being reminded that Padre Pio was the victim of character assassination during his life and he bore it with patience and trust in God. I’m not sure that I’m that holy though.

 

[Legend]

You should forget about ‘explaining’ yourself, to anyone. You should just keep on being the person you are…if this toxic person in lying about you, let them be the one who has to explain. Just keep on going to mass, daily if it’s convenient, say ‘hello’ to these former friends, and, if they get angry just say ‘sorry. What’s wrong?’ Or something else appropriate. Never be the first one to bring up the ‘toxic’ person’s name.

If things are really bad, maybe you should consider counseling. It sounds like the presence of ‘toxic’ people in your past, has made you attract the same kind of people. Do you ever find yourself thinking that this is the only type of person you can attract? Speak to your priest about this, and, if you decide you need one, ask him to recommend a good counselor.

Remember, your past is behind you…you no longer have to put up with undeserved anger, and mistreatment from friends. Try to make it clear, in as kind a way as you can, that you will not put up with poor treatment! Then, you won’t have to worry about ending toxic relationships.

There’s a limit as to what anyone can help you with, on an anonymous forum like this. Hopefully, you’ll get other answers you can use!

 

[graciew]

Try talking to your priest about this.
Same you are telling us here.
He may be able to help you better…

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I would suggest you put all these people on block. Forgive them but do not interact with them.
Do not try to explain yourself.
Continue to go to daily Mass.
Seek out new friends who handle their friendships in a mature manner. Such people do exist.

I had a couple of past toxic friends who I had to cut out of my life. They reacted by spewing all sorts of bile about me on the Internet and by going off and becoming friendly with some mutual acquaintances with whom I do not get along and have been on non-speaking terms for many years, going back in one case to stuff that happened 30 years ago.

I can just imagine the discussions these folks have about me and I’m sure it involves a lot of distortion, lies, and warped perspectives from people with diagnosed mental illnesses, but I had to just put it all in God’s hands and get on with my life. I did meet a lot of new friends and while the friendships may not be as intense, I also like not having to deal with people having crazy mood swings three times a week.

 

[1ke]

Therapy for your past trauma and to build new responses is a place to consider starting.

 

[Totustuus1213]

from people with diagnosed mental illnesses

Was this really the root of the problem? I have CPTSD from my childhood but I don’t go around town spewing false gossip about people I don’t like. I understand the gist of what you are saying, but mental illness already has a pretty bad stigma attached to it.

Also, to the others, I do want to go to therapy but am having trouble finding one that I trust in my area. I have read a lot about how many therapists misdiagnose CPTSD from Narc abuse as Borderline Personality Disorder. So, I am still on the search for one that will understand. I do want to go through. I have a lot to unpack in therapy and am looking forward to it once I find someone.

Also, I don’t really know any of the priests in my area and with all the things I have gone through in my life, I feel very uncomfortable approaching one. From what I see at mass, they seem to have quite a sense of humor, which worries me a bit in respect to my problems.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Was this really the root of the problem? I have CPTSD from my childhood but I don’t go around town spewing false gossip about people I don’t like. I understand the gist of what you are saying, but mental illness already has a pretty bad stigma attached to it.

Two of my toxic friends had serious mental illnesses. That’s a fact. It’s not me being biased. They repeatedly crossed my personal boundaries to the point where I could no longer be their friend because, despite my caring about them and trying to be supportive through their episodes, I was being used as an emotional punching bag. Again, it is what it is.

I have plenty of friends, many of them who I’ve known for 10, 15 or 20 years, who suffer from some type of depression, anxiety, PTSD etc and I myself have chronic lifelong anxiety that flares up and down. In today’s society, just about everybody has something. The difference between these friends and the two I had to cut off is that my current friends manage their conditions better and deal with people in a mature way, not a toxic and delusional way.

If you want to read bias into what I intended as a helpful post, feel free. It doesn’t change what I actually experienced and the lessons I learned from it.

 

[Totustuus1213]

I apologize. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I have seen a lot of people jump to conclusions about “mental health” conditions. I understand that you have had bad experiences, though. I don’t want to invalidate your experiences. I just wanted to check that it was really what was causing their behavior rather than malice.

In my experience, there is a difference between those who accidentally hurt you because of their emotional health issues and then apologize and those who intentionally hurt you and give themselves a pat on the back for doing so. I have run into many people that fit the latter description (i.e. my family & ex-friends) which is why I was asking.