"Transitioning" family member

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bethkcmo

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Background: My husband is not Catholic. He obtained an annulment of his first marriage and we were married in the Church. From his first marriage, he has 7 children. I have none. His divorce resulted in him getting full custody of the youngest 4 children, all boys. The mother got the 3 oldest children. I came into the picture 2 years later, in 2006. By that time, the boys were 13, 10, and twins age 7.

My husband has raised the boys in a Baptist church. They never were baptized. I encouraged baptism all the years we were raising these boys. Finally, 2 years ago, one of the twins (I’ll call him “Lane”) was baptized by his cousin, a youth minister in a Baptist church.

A year later, Lane announced he’s an atheist. My husband was/is very disturbed about this. More devastating is that a few months ago Lane told my husband that he is transitioning to female. He is taking estrogen and who knows what else. Apparently, Lane has been seeing some kind of psychologist about all this.

My husband and I cannot accept this. My husband, of course, will always love his son and prays for him every day.

Our dilemma is showing any kind of support or acceptance of this. Should we welcome him into our house? Neither of us wants to do that at all. Should we attend family events where he is present? I think even seeing Lane as a “she” would repulse us.

Has anyone gone through this? What is the Christian response to this confused young man?
 
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Loving when it’s hard is really the test of true love in the end.

And sometimes the only thing you can do for someone with problems is to take them where they’re at? And just show your care and concern is more than skin deep.

I remember when I first came to this site and actually had that experience for the fist time. That experience of someone meeting me where I was at? And just taking me in hand and leading me from there. No they didn’t do that with demands? Or judgment? Or even strong words of caution. No.

They just asked questions. Listened to me. Offered whatever advice I was ready to hear based on my questions? And then accepted my answers for the moment with an understanding and patience.

I came to this site as a guy with SSA whose spirit was full of frustration and turmoil. Anger and outrage were my sustaining vibes. A recovering alcoholic with dependency issues it was in my nature to avoid responsibility. So to say I’m doing a lot better now is an understatement.

But of course I can’t promise you results. Those seeds might not bear any fruit? Or not any you can see? But I can tell you one thing for 100% sure.

If you reject him now when he’s at his weakest or most broken? He’ll remember that later.

He’ll always remember that.

Peace.
 
Thank you for your heart-felt thoughts, Trident_H.

Psychologically, we both LOVE him and always will. We pray for him every day. But, he has turned his back on God and is embracing a sinful path. He is pretty arrogant about it, too, and accuses us of being intolerant and bigoted.

When my husband interacts with Lane it is all one-sided. Lane demands acceptance of the path he is on. My husband cannot do that.

As Christians, wouldn’t we be in error to accept his self-mutilation and active homosexual behavior? Do we welcome this into our home? Wouldn’t that be tacit approval?

This is what we are struggling with.
 
Ah yeah. This is the real struggle. And it’s not an easy one. Not at first? And not along the way.

But here’s the only thing I can tell you about this.

Jesus spent most of his time with the sinners and the sick. Why? Because they needed it more. Because he knew they were the ones with the least reason to love God. Because they were the ones in trouble.

So all I can really suggest here is you include him more. Not less. Oh not in some showy false way? And not some patronizing way either. Show an active care in his needs. Don’t debate him. Don’t corner him. Don’t look for chances to turn him. No, none of that will work. The only chance you’ve got with him is by showing him the contrast between his friends and you guys. You need to show him Christian love is real. It has meaning? It has depth. It can’t be bought or sold. It’s beyond price. It’s beyond anything he can reach in his empty existence. And only through that can he see his own ways are hollow.

He’s got to see it because it’s there to see. Keeping him apart will never let him see it.

So invite him to the ballgame. Don’t act like you’re ashamed to be seen with him if he’s transitioning. Just treat it like a disease if you have to think of a comparison. Or a deformity? I mean you wouldn’t shun him if he was covered in spots. So just keep him in your prayers and your hearts and in your close nearby.

So sure that doesn’t mean you need to compliment his new dress? But you can still give him a hug to show you care he’s come to see you.

You’re not accepting his lifestyle. You’re just accepting him. And there’s a key difference in that.

Please be at peace. Because even guys like me can change our hearts and minds if the example’s strong enough.
 
There is so much beauty and truth in Trident_H’s posts, OP.

You can love Lane without accepting what he is doing. None of us are perfect. We all have parts of us that need to be overlooked at times to make us “bearable” to be around. If others do it for us, we can do it for them. It may be that all of you need to come right out and say that you choose to respect each other by not discussing anything, as in, agree to disagree. Find some other common ground.

And then, pray for him. Be an example of God’s unconditional love for him.
 
While what you see Lane is experiencing you may considered to be unnatural, there is nothing more unnatural than a parent who rejects his child. I doubt your children accept you based on your sexuality, and you should not reject them based on theirs. Love their soul, and don’t judge it because that is above your paygrade. Another thing to consider: a divorce that splits the siblings up in a family is always traumatic to the children. If you believe Lane’s issues are related to something other than biology, perhaps your husband should reflect on the trauma his children experienced, both from the divorce and from the remarriage…
 
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Irishmom2 said:
You can love Lane without accepting what he is doing. None of us are perfect. We all have parts of us that need to be overlooked at times to make us “bearable” to be around. If others do it for us, we can do it for them.
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What’s the old saying? “Don’t judge people just because they sin differently than you do.”
 
QwertyGirl said:
Another thing to consider: a divorce that splits the siblings up in a family is always traumatic to the children. If you believe Lane’s issues are related to something other than biology, perhaps your husband should reflect on the trauma his children experienced, both from the divorce and from the remarriage…
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This is a good point.
 
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