Trial separation

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PartoftheBody

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To make a very long story short, I’m considering a trial separation from my husband due to his sporadic, uncontrolled, abusive, angry outbursts that are “my fault.”

I wanted to know if any of you had experience with the logistics of trial separations from spouses. Did you warn him/her or just leave one day? Did you give a time limit? Did you say where you’d be? Anything else I should know or keep in mind?

Please pray for wisdom for me!
 
Most days the drinking is better, maybe 3 or 4 drinks instead of 10 or 12. Parties are another story, though.

His anger has been a problem off and on throughout our marriage. When he gets mad or feels slighted, he yells, curses, calls me names, blames me for things that cannot possibly be my fault, insults me, and says the most hurtful thing he can think of, e.g. last night it was that he didn’t care about my feelings or needs. I get flustered during heated arguments, so I just take it quietly then try to talk to him after he’s calmed down.
Things were better for a while, but my pregnancy seemed to bring the problem back to the surface.

On Monday, we had a fight and he pulled my hair. That was the first time he ever got physical. He’s promised he never will again, but I have a hard time believing that, since he’s betrayed my trust so much.

He’s very resistant to any type of counseling, but has gone [begrudgingly] to a few sessions with a marriage counselor at various points in our marriage, which helped for a while. The goal of the trial separation is to make him see the seriousness of the situation and go to anger management treatment/classes. I’ve asked him to go before, and he says I’m “the one with weird hang-ups” and that saying he needs anger management is insulting.
 
PartoftheBody said:
Most days the drinking is better, maybe 3 or 4 drinks instead of 10 or 12. Parties are another story, though.

His anger has been a problem off and on throughout our marriage. When he gets mad or feels slighted, he yells, curses, calls me names, blames me for things that cannot possibly be my fault, insults me, and says the most hurtful thing he can think of, e.g. last night it was that he didn’t care about my feelings or needs. I get flustered during heated arguments, so I just take it quietly then try to talk to him after he’s calmed down.
Things were better for a while, but my pregnancy seemed to bring the problem back to the surface.

On Monday, we had a fight and he pulled my hair. That was the first time he ever got physical. He’s promised he never will again, but I have a hard time believing that, since he’s betrayed my trust so much.

He’s very resistant to any type of counseling, but has gone [begrudgingly] to a few sessions with a marriage counselor at various points in our marriage, which helped for a while. The goal of the trial separation is to make him see the seriousness of the situation and go to anger management treatment/classes. I’ve asked him to go before, and he says I’m “the one with weird hang-ups” and that saying he needs anger management is insulting.
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I don’t believe you can uSe a separation as any form of threat or education exercise. If you pursue a separation it ought to be because you believe you need the time alone to reassess your relationship, or because you have already decided that separation is required.
 
Sounds like a difficult situaiton!

Have you ever tried praying the rosary for him to see if Our Lady can’t do something about his less than ideal behavior and weak points?

I hope you might try that. And I hope you wouldn’t decide to just leave without warning him that you were thinking about doing this because sometimes we men can be a bit oblivious to the seriousness of the state of things. I’ll pray for you and your husbsand when I’m at Eucharistic Adoration.

God Bless.

P.S. This hair pulling thing is indeed a red flag, though.
 
Sometimes it’s prudent to get legal advice before a separation as well especially if a child is involved.
Mary.
 
MaryT777 said:
Sometimes it’s prudent to get legal advice before a separation as well especially if a child is involved. I don’t know your husband but you don’t want to find yourself with kidnapping charges, a drain of all your financial resources etc.

Mary.
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The logistics of a separation are difficult with a small child. If you are able to spend time with family as you sort this out it could be helpful. There is a difference between a separation to get a breather and a legal separation and it doesn’t sound like you are ready for a lawyer so I would recommend you go back to the counselor yourself and talk this through. Abuse is something we should never tolerate but sometimes it creeps up and intensifies before we realize it, one day it is yelling and name calling, then hair pulling and who knows what comes next, it has to be tackled now. Talk this over with the counselor and get their advice as to what to do next. Then, follow that advice no matter what your husband says, but be sure to let a close friend or family member know what is gong on. God bless you with wisdom and protection.
 
After a long, painful talk, my husband understands the seriousness of the situation and has agreed to counseling…and not with a session limit like last time!

Ironically, I think finally calling it abuse to his face is part of what made him realize it was serious…I had avoided using the term in the past, imagining it would make him even more abusive.

Thanks for your prayers. I’m hopeful that God can help us heal for good this time!
 
Please pray for the success of our marriage counseling, which starts tomorrow:gopray2:
 
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