Trouble getting along with my dad

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For quite a while now, I’ve had some problems getting along with my dad, and at times I feel guilty that I go against the commandment “Honor your father and mother.” I let myself get so frustrated with him sometiems, and I talk back to him and give him ugly hateful glares when he yells at me…like when he yells at me to do one thing, then angrily asks why I didn’t do something else.

I also feel very awkward when I’m having a conversation with him, because I know that anything I say can and will likely be used against me later on. So I pretty much tell him little, and whenever I do talk to him I usually seriously regret it because I might accidentally blurt something he doesn’t like and would end up losing his temper and punishing someone.

For example, while we were in the car with my little brother, I absent-mindedly mentioned that my little brother was going to spend the night at my grandparents house that night. My dad said, “What? I didn’t know about this…I didn’t approve that. I don’t want him going over there, sometimes your mom’s parents are a bad influence on him. They show him movies without my approval. That reminds me, I do not want him seeing Harry Potter. Your grandparents didn’t already show him that, did they?”

At that point, I said “I don’t know,” because I knew that they did show him that movie a few months ago. But, then my little brother chimed in and said, “Yeah, I saw Harry Potter! It was a cool movie, and it wasn’t scary, it had spiders and stuff, but it wasn’t scary!” Then my dad got really angry at my grandparents…So, if it wasn’t for my mentioning him sleeping over, that wouldn’t happened, and there wouldn’t have been a violent, heated argument with my mom the next morning.

Anything I could do to maybe decrease the awkwardness and fear of saying anything to him? I’d like to have a normal conversation with him, maybe tell him how stuff is going with life so far…but I always feel I’ll say something wrong that will get either me or someone else in trouble.
 
I do not know how old you are…but I would say that your relationship with your father is not all that unusual. As far as your father not wanting your younger sibling to see Harry Potter - that was not on your watch - that was on your grandparents watch and you did nothing wrong there. Your father was just venting.

Perhaps you could ask your mother to help you speak with your father - to have a conversation with him. How often do you sit together without the television on? How often are you in the car without the radio on? The media is very distracting and not conducive to family conversations, so you might want to ask your dad if you could just talk without the media in the background.

You may also want to go for a walk with your father.

Ask your father about his growing up - what it was like when he was young. What he liked about growing up and what he disliked about it. You may be surprised at how much you have in common with him.🙂

It is good that you are keeping the fourth commandment in mind when you are struggling with your father. Pray for God’s assistance. God Bless you and your family.
 
When was the last time you told your dad you loved him? When was the last time you told him how special he is? When was the last time you told him you missed him?

Have you tried to write him a note telling him how much he means to you and your family?

Have you tried telling how you felt when he did something special for you?

Have you told him how he makes you proud?

And if you can’t answer any of these questions, is it really because he is a bad person; or is it because you are so wound up with the negatives that you are not thinking of the positives?

Being a parent is hard enough. It is even harder when the parent feels that they are being taken for granted.

What would it be like if he died tomorrow? And I don’t mean the funeral; what would it be like to come home from school, and know he will never come home from work? What would you miss? Tell him.
 
Wow…jeez, I’m worse than I thought…I don’t think I ever miss him when he’s gone…Actually, I guess I prefer him not being around. At least in those times, he isn’t yelling at my mom or breaking stuff. As for the other questions, I really don’t know how to answer them…

I guess I should pray on this one, I’m still a bit unsure about stuff though.
I do not know how old you are…but I would say that your relationship with your father is not all that unusual.
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I’m 15, and I guess you’re right about it not being unusual…
As far as your father not wanting your younger sibling to see Harry Potter - that was not on your watch - that was on your grandparents watch and you did nothing wrong there. Your father was just venting.
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Well, he wouldn’t have found out if I hadn’t said anything, and I did get my grandparents telling me to stop “telling on my little brother.”
 
Parents like that will never change… You must master the smile-and-nod technique, then when you are in your room you can :banghead: . My advice: move out of the house for college, even if it’s in the same town, live on-campus.
 
You could try, “Okay, here’s the deal Dad. I’ve got some stuff on my mind, nothing too big or anything, but I need some Dad (name removed by moderator)ut, and need your best Dad behavior…” (This is assuming you have the kind of relationship with him that he can handle a smiling, joking sort of way of talking about a more serious topic.)

Then go on and tell him your problem with talking to him. He’s the Dad in question. Technically, he should be more help than us with fixing how to talk to him. 🙂

BTW, lots of parents will accept it if the son/daughter says they need the chance to say what’s on their mind now and then without having to worrry about any consequences, lectures, or whatever. How parents typically talk to their kids is often a product of distraction, and not their concept of ideal.

Oh, I just noticed about your Dad breaking stuff…is there any issue with that that makes you afraid of him?
 
My :twocents: worth…

I find myself in a similar situation…I suggest deep prayer and time with Christ in the Eucharist if possible. If you can make a holy hour every day or once a week.

Also, pray to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost and hopeless causes. I’m not saying that your relationship with your father is a lost cause, but as someone who has tried everything to better his relationship with a parent without any results, I know that at times it can seem hopeless.

Also, find a spiritual director, one you can talk to about your relationship with your father. Use that time to focus on ways to improve and or cope, not as a time to place blame.

Have you tried putting yourself in your father’s shoes? Is he stressed over work, bills, family problems, something else? Even if you don’t agree with his reaction to the stresses in his life, you should try to understand and empathize. This does not mean, however, that you have to agree with his behaviour. What you must do is respect him and remember that you are his son and he is your dad. Don’t talk back (even if you are right and he is wrong). Dont disrespect him (even if you are right and he is wrong). Remember to be humble in all you do. Also, remember that in suffering and trials we are united and glorified to a suffering and glorified Christ. Look to the lives of the saints. Can you think of one saint who didn’t suffer for Christ? Maybe this is your cross to bear and this is how God is drawing you closer to Him???

God bless you and pray for me. I will be praying for you, your family and your father. :gopray2:
 
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Max:
Wow…jeez, I’m worse than I thought…
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I don’t think anyone here is saying you are bad. I certainly don’t think that!

One of the problems those of us online have is its hard to tell from a post how serious a situation is. That’s something you will need to determine with someone face to face. Without knowing your family I will echo the sentiment that talking to your mom is an excellent place to start.

something you said did concern me, but again, I’m at the other end of a computer so I don’t want to read too much into it yet. However, when you say he breaks things I’m concerned. I don’t consider physical violence normal at all. If the situation at home is serious please talk to a priest, a teacher, a doctor or someone you trust for advice and help.
 
Max,

From reading your posts I get the impression you are taking responsibility for a lot of things that you have no control over. Your situation isn’t ‘normal’ – although it may feel ‘normal’ to you. Parents should not throw things and have fits. Sometimes adults can act like overgrown children. Sometimes, though, parents have frustrations and situations that their children can’t understand and the adults behave badly.

First it seems that your father and mother have some serious issues in their relationship. It also seems that your grandparents and your father have issues with each other. You are not at “fault” for any of these problems.

They have to fix their own problems. You can not fix them.

Your mother and grandparents should not be hiding things from your father especially the whereabouts of his child. You are not responsible for covering up for your mother or grandparents or aiding them in hiding things from your father. They should be adult enough to engage in an adult conversation and come to an understanding.

You are not responsible for making your dad throw things or lose his temper. He is an adult; he is responsible for controlling himself.

Considering your situation it is not unusual to feel that you don’t want your dad around. This does not make you “worse than you thought”. The fact that you realize you feel this way is a step toward dealing with it.

Since you can’t change your dad or your mom or grandparents, change the ‘person’ that you have control over; yourself.

You have made the first good step, pray about it.

Second good step, talk about it to someone you can trust, who will give you good advice. I would pick a teacher, priest, coach, someone with some experience who can guide you with out playing the blame game.

Third step; don’t expect your parents to be perfect. We all have this ideal parent made up inside our head. Don’t expect your parents to match this ideal. Learn to accept the love your parents can give. Just as it is unfair for them to place unreasonable burdens on you, you can not place burdens on them that they are unable to carry.

Forth step; control your anger. Control those mean faces and sarcastic attitudes that come up when you are talking to your father. You know they don’t help the situation. If you feel overwhelmed and want to act out — see step number one.

Fifth point; don’t take sides. You can love your mom, dad and grandparents with out being a “traitor” to any of them. You are getting to be of age and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You probably can recognize many of the “games” that family’s can play. “Games” that are used to hurt and control others. Don’t play the games. It is best for you stay in control of yourself. Don’t do things to upset others. Be aware of the things others do to try to upset you. Stay in control. That is part of being an adult.

As others have stated here, try to spend time with your dad. You like it when others notice the good things you do. You like it when people respect you for your knowledge. Your dad has his strengths and he has experiences that he would love to share with his son, give him that opportunity.

Things can seem awful dark at times but this will pass. I know it doesn’t seem like it will ever end (it didn’t when I was 15). You have an opportunity to develop a relationship with your dad. Love him and you will be keeping our heavenly Father’s command.

Mr. Buck
 
My dad yelled and screamed at us and yelled at my mom. It was awful. And it was quite frightening. I grew up wanting to be invisible and THAT was so NOT the Lord’s plan for my life. It is hard to tell, online, how bad it is there, but you are right in naming it for what it is. And you should NOT walk on eggshells, trying not to set your dad off. That will ‘train’ you to do that with other emotionally abusive people later on.

I agree with the person who said, ‘Get out as soon as you can.’ With my dad, it didn’t have to do with ‘he had a bad day at work.’ ANYONE can have a bad day at work. It has to do with how you CHOOSE to handle your big feelings. Two-year olds blow it out on those around them and blame others; mature people do not yell and scream at others. Maybe there is a priest or a counselor you can talk to?? Is it really how the Lord would have your dad treat you? Don’t forget, YOU are a child of God, His precious son.
 
Max, my dear - I trust you do not think that I thought you were bad…or even close to being bad. I know how difficult fathers can be - I had an emotionally abusive father. I had mind games and garbage from him and because I could not stand the lunacy, I was the scapegoat - the bad one - in the family. Fast forward to being over 50 and my father having passed away.

I want to tell you that God - only God - was my life line. I also want to tell you that as my dad was in his advanced stages of Alzheimers, I was the daughter that was at his side and at my mother’s side. Five out of the seven silbings never came to help. My younger sister and I helped. I prayed over my father as his heart stopped beating. THAT WAS GOD! That was so God - so beautiful and I will be forever grateful that God orchestrated His love for both my father and me during my father’s last minutes alive.

Four days before my father died - he looked at me with such beautiful love in his eyes … straight at me - this father who viewed me as an irritant to him all of his life. I knew then that all the years of pain and suffering that we had both encountered - for I am sure my father had his demons…were well worth it. Sometimes we do not know what the outcome will be - but I am blessed.

It is difficult with your father right now - I am sympathetic to your pain. I have been there and I am praying for you. God Bless you - and hold on to God for HE is YOUR FATHER who will never hurt you.
 
Can you tell how many of us have had similar experiences, and survived? I remember getting chewed out for showing a movie to my cousins when I was your age (rated PG) and it was one they’d already seen!!!

I love my Father, I love my Mother. But they were super-controlling and I rebelled because I couldn’t talk to them. At 18, I found a college that was far enough away where I finally felt free and independent enough to live my life the way I wanted. Except I found out, things weren’t always greener on the other side.

What does your Mom say? How does she feel about your predicament? If your father is abusive (mine was not, just like my mom - super-controlling), then perhaps you should find a guidance counselor or therapist through your school that can safeguard your confidentiality. (Especially if you can’t talk to your Mom).

Are your grandparents aware of your father’s behavior?

Sometimes, if you confront your father (as I did mine), it gets you nowhere (especially if he’s stubborn and feels there’s nothing wrong with his behavior). Your Mom is key here. If she does nothing, or sides with him, then you may want to consider the counselor. I wish I had. It would have saved me from making some decisions I regret.

Obviously, our hearts are with you.
 
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Max:
For quite a while now, I’ve had some problems getting along with my dad, and at times I feel guilty that I go against the commandment “Honor your father and mother.” I let myself get so frustrated with him sometiems, and I talk back to him and give him ugly hateful glares when he yells at me…like when he yells at me to do one thing, then angrily asks why I didn’t do something else.

I also feel very awkward when I’m having a conversation with him, because I know that anything I say can and will likely be used against me later on. So I pretty much tell him little, and whenever I do talk to him I usually seriously regret it because I might accidentally blurt something he doesn’t like and would end up losing his temper and punishing someone.

For example, while we were in the car with my little brother, I absent-mindedly mentioned that my little brother was going to spend the night at my grandparents house that night. My dad said, “What? I didn’t know about this…I didn’t approve that. I don’t want him going over there, sometimes your mom’s parents are a bad influence on him. They show him movies without my approval. That reminds me, I do not want him seeing Harry Potter. Your grandparents didn’t already show him that, did they?”

At that point, I said “I don’t know,” because I knew that they did show him that movie a few months ago. But, then my little brother chimed in and said, “Yeah, I saw Harry Potter! It was a cool movie, and it wasn’t scary, it had spiders and stuff, but it wasn’t scary!” Then my dad got really angry at my grandparents…So, if it wasn’t for my mentioning him sleeping over, that wouldn’t happened, and there wouldn’t have been a violent, heated argument with my mom the next morning.

Anything I could do to maybe decrease the awkwardness and fear of saying anything to him? I’d like to have a normal conversation with him, maybe tell him how stuff is going with life so far…but I always feel I’ll say something wrong that will get either me or someone else in trouble.
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First, you are not a bad person for struggling with your relationship with your father. Please make sure you understand HE is the adult, YOU are the child (even at 15… you’re still growing and learning). As such, it is his responsibility to love, cherish, protect, and care for YOU. You should not walk on eggshells wondering if something you say will send him into a rage, possibly a violent one. Your father has serious anger management problems.

I’d suggest talking first to your mom, secondly to a priest, and thirdly to a school counselor. You sound like a fine, caring person and you have to realize the problem does not lie within you. You have not done anything wrong.

All teenagers do experience difficulty with parents, that is partly because the teen is growing more independent and the parent has to adjust. But, what you have described-- violent outbursts for minor things-- is not normal.

If you are honoring your parents by obeying the rules of the house, taking your school work seriously, and honoring God by going to church and avoiding sinful behaviors then you ARE fulfilling the commandment you mention.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you-- in fact, I can think of a few dozen people I know who could only wish for a great teenager like you! Please seek professional help, I think that your family needs counseling.
 
What does your Mom say? How does she feel about your predicament?
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Well, my mom suffers the yelling 10 times more than I do. He gets into many violent rages because of things my mom does…it can range from not paying a bill to “using the wrong tone of voice.” If anyone has to walk on eggshells, it’s her.

And my dad STRONGLY discourages her to fight back, and he forces her to apologize for something she didn’t do, or something she shouldn’t have to apologize for. If she refuses, he gets more insane in his rage he swears and insults her “You ing b! You stupid idiot!” and breaks stuff, and even when he’s angry enough he’d throw stuff at HER. But, at least when he throws objects at her…he makes sure that they’re either light or he holds back his full strength when throwing them. But he just refuses to lose arguments even when he’s wrong…

That’s another reason why I dislike my dad…he treats my mom terribly, and it’s hard to watch. I don’t know what to do during those times except to act like nothing’s going on and pretty much pretend to be indifferent about it. After he leaves for work or whatever, my mom breathes a sigh of relief and vents about how she can’t stand him, saying, “So help me GOD, if I had enough money I’d get the hell out of here. I hear they have some good job openings in…”

But, yeah, you get the idea…I can talk to my mom and usually do, even suggested counseling. But, she said that she knew my dad would find a way to turn the counselors against her somehow, because he has a knack for turning things in his favor. So, I guess all there is to do is pray about it. Thank you all for your prayers, I appreciate it tremendously.

~Max
 
Max, based on your last post alone I would encourage you to talk to an adult in your area that can do something to help. As I noted before, this is an imperfect medium for being able to assess the seriousness of a situation, and I know I’m only hearing one side of the story. But for that very reason it makes sense to talk to someone who knows the family and can give you advice and encouragement, and more help if needed. My first choice at this point would be your Pastor, but other people like teachers and doctors are also good options.

You’re correct to say that praying will help. And I will also pray for you and your family. But the Lord has given us many places here on Earth to go for help as well, like the people I mentioned above, and I think He wants us to use them also, when necessary.

God bless and don’t hesitate to keep talking to us here.
 
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Max:
Well, my mom suffers the yelling 10 times more than I do. He gets into many violent rages because of things my mom does…it can range from not paying a bill to “using the wrong tone of voice.” If anyone has to walk on eggshells, it’s her.

And my dad STRONGLY discourages her to fight back, and he forces her to apologize for something she didn’t do, or something she shouldn’t have to apologize for. If she refuses, he gets more insane in his rage he swears and insults her “You ing b! You stupid idiot!” and breaks stuff, and even when he’s angry enough he’d throw stuff at HER. But, at least when he throws objects at her…he makes sure that they’re either light or he holds back his full strength when throwing them. But he just refuses to lose arguments even when he’s wrong…

That’s another reason why I dislike my dad…he treats my mom terribly, and it’s hard to watch. I don’t know what to do during those times except to act like nothing’s going on and pretty much pretend to be indifferent about it. After he leaves for work or whatever, my mom breathes a sigh of relief and vents about how she can’t stand him, saying, “So help me GOD, if I had enough money I’d get the hell out of here. I hear they have some good job openings in…”

But, yeah, you get the idea…I can talk to my mom and usually do, even suggested counseling. But, she said that she knew my dad would find a way to turn the counselors against her somehow, because he has a knack for turning things in his favor. So, I guess all there is to do is pray about it. Thank you all for your prayers, I appreciate it tremendously.

~Max
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Max, get professional help, starting with your school counselor and/or priest.
 
Max, this was my life when I was a teenager. My dad was occasionally a crazy, deceitful, and violent guy; at other times, he was reasonable and decent. For whatever reason, we just never got along. Part of the problem was that I never knew who was in there.
  1. Find a responsible adult to talk to NOW. You need some outside perspective on this.
  2. Protect yourself. You’re 15; you’ll be leaving in 3 years. You’ve got to find a way to hang on until then.
  3. For me, the worst thing was knowing the effect that everything was having on my mom and that my younger sibs were going to face the same thing in a few years. In fact, some of them were facing it worse than I was, already. You can’t do anything to help them RIGHT NOW.
I found parish priests to be utterly useless in this area. They knew my father as a reasonable, religious man who went to daily Mass and confession once a week. When I told them what he was like at home, they told me I was lying, and then they told him. The priests at my high school, who didn’t know his public face, were much more unbiased.

Gah. Time is on your side, Max. You’re going to get out of the house pretty soon. Don’t trust him, and work hard to not provoke him. Once you get out and get some perspective, it’s going to be your job to provide a lifeline to the outside world for your younger brother and your mom.

My mom finally left my dad during my sophomore year of college. She took the other five kids, and she moved out. She divorced him. He stalked, threatened, and harassed her for the next 17 years, and it didn’t end until she died. Actually, it didn’t end for a while after that, because we didn’t tell him that she died, and he kept sending her nasty letters. It was unbelieveable.

I see no reason to honor such a man, and I don’t. I don’t know about your situation, but I wouldn’t worry too much about “honoring” someone who treats you and the ones you love like that.
 
Max, (as many people have said) I had a very similar home life, except my mother was just as bad as my father. I too struggled with the idea of honoring my parents ( I used to joke that God hadn’t met my parents when he said that). This caused sever distress about going home and I would stay away as long as I could, often trying to sneak in at night while they were alseep. My home life made me insecure at school and generally overburdened mentally. To this day I can walk in complete silence, because any noise could draw attention to you, and once you had their attention…

It wasn’t until years later that i realized both of my parents were unhappy in their marriage and taking it out on the kids. That doesn’t justify what they did, but it was a hint about their imperfection. They were not being malicious, they were trying to keep everything the same… my brother and I were never to grow up, and their marrige was never to collapse. I dealt with my personal issues for years and I finally found one thing that really helped me. I began taking martial arts in an attempt to cope with myself as a person and overcome all the doubt that had been drilled into me for so many years. I am now 25 and the happiest I have ever been. I am not saying the answer is to kung-fu chop your dad (deserving or not), I am saying that I attained the confidence to face such trivial challenges as someone elses hostility. Fear is a method of control, take away his method in a non violent and parent respecting fashion, just gain the confidence to no longer be affraid. There is a sleeping giant inside of you, you maintain such civility and respect in a time hostility and anxiety, you truley are an embodyment of the warrior spirit. God is exercising your faith, just exercise your mind and body to meet the challenge. You WILL make it.
 
There have been a number of responses which have suggested your parish priest or school counselor. Another suggestion is your doctor; many are trained in dealing with the realities of the problems you face. You need to be able to speak to the doctor in private; this is not a conversation to have with your mom present. If you can’t arrnge that, see the school counselor or a teacher you trust.

God bless.
 
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