Troubled marriage retreat

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Izzypiper

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Hello,
I’m new to this forum and would grateful appreciate it if anyone has been to any Marriage Retreats for troubled marriages and/or marriages that just need to learn to communicate better. My dear husband and I love each other so much! We have been to counseling, we just keep doing same cycle over and over again with arguments. I think a retreat would help give us a deeper look at the root of our issues and help us. Please let us know any suggestions - please!

I would love to hear feed back on if it helped too.
 
Yes definitely go to a marriage retreat. I’ve been to a couple of them. You’ll learn techniques that will assist you in communication with each other. The techniques we learned were so excruciating that we’d do anything to avoid having to use them. They were very effective. Also, you’ll meet other couples who are worse off than yourselves, and that could make you feel better. But seriously, as long as both of you are reasonable, a good marriage retreat should do your marriage some good.
 
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Thank you so much for telling me your experience.
Do you mind telling me which retreats you recommend? There are so many that are not catholic but few that I can find through our church. I saw one for next February here, so far that is all I can find.

Did you and your dear husband argue a lot and did it seemed to go in cycles? We just can’t figure out how to stop it.
 
Hubby and I have never gone to a marriage retreat, but there are two I have heard of and one we have discussed attending.

Marriage Encounter is for healthy marriages. It’s kind of a “marital checkup” focused on improving communication between couples. This is a weekend retreat and I’ve indicated to Hubby that I’d like us to go at some point.

Retrouvaille (RETRO-v-eye) is intended as “emergency surgery”. This is for marriages in deep trouble. Some couples who attend Retrouvaille are quite literally on the verge of divorce. It has been known to save marriages. This is a weekend retreat as well and I think there are some follow-up appointments as well.
 
My wife had been part of the presenting team for Worldwide Marriage Encounter for many years. I do second the comments made ⬆️⬆️ By @His_helpmeet.

There is one caveat I will mention. You mentioned you have been to counseling and repeat the same or similar problems. There is a need for openness to listening and change on the part of each spouse in implementing tools and techniques learned. If not, they could as an excuse to support current behavior.

Here is a brief intro video
And the website is wwme.org.
 
Dear Child of God,
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbandsin everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Change the words you use. Do not use the,”YOU DO THIS! You make me feel!” It’s attacking. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN?! Repeat what the other says. Say,”THIS UNSETTLES ME! Is this a good time to talk? If fatigue is felt, emotions can flare. Sit down. Eye contact. IDONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU FEEL THIS WAY? Let him explain. He has experienced things differently than you. Sometimes LET IT GO.
 
I had to stop writing for word limit reason. Did you discuss what your visions of marriage & family were? If there is a problem , “Don’t say Divorce, say fix it!” Jobs, careers. Who makes more money? If guy makes less, the wife has to build him up by verbally appreciating other gifts he has. I.e. He’s a handy man or a great Gardner…The money he saves doing these chores is significant. If you have to move, changing jobs is hard on both.Can you agree to go, if it’s a good deal? Money isn’t everything. Being around family has great import. Dysfunctional families! Live 1 hr away? In the end, problems are easier to solve when you live close. Honor your Father & Mother. Take care of your parents in old age, even if they are addle minded… OOPS! That’s a topic! Nursing homes? Mom-in-Law additions. Or in your home?? How to share Holidays. Children-wanted? How many? Birth control? (NoNo/ church)
WHAT IS YOUR PHILOSOPHY ABOUT RAISING KIDS. Religious Private schools are better w lots of hobbies. (SAVE $$) YES, who saves? Who spends? Budget?? Good idea. If you don’t keep kids in more civilized schools & keep them busy w sports, ballet, music,etc, you’ll be spending $$ on atty fees in teen age. Get kids doing charity, like visiting nursing homes.
THE FAITH TAUGHT IN THE FAMILY: Saying the rosary every night, etc.
alcohol- how to live w it. Cigarettes-stop would be good. Infidelities are a symptom of a problem. Did spouse stop listening to the other? Something changed. Forgive & move on. NO PORN.
Who raises youngsters better? Who can handle teenage better?
That’s all the categories. Don’t use the YOU… Mention you’re confused & don’t understand what he’s saying. WRITE NOTES…
Pray together every night at bedtime together.
The Lord is w you. Keep the doors open.
We surrender Lord, to You. Guide us w Your wisdom, on how we should go.
In Jesus name
Amen
 
Izzypiper said:
Do you mind telling me which retreats you recommend?
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I don’t remember the names. They weren’t Catholic retreats. Although there was a Catholic priest involved with one of them.
Izzypiper said:
Did you and your dear husband argue a lot and did it seemed to go in cycles?
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Yes, that’s a common problem with couples. Eventually, we could see these “cyclical” arguments coming, and we would pump the brakes. I suppose at some point we realized that the grief it caused wasn’t worth the argument.

But, I suppose it also depends on what the cyclical arguments are about. Ours were not about anything major. If the arguments involved something more serious like misuse of family finances, drugs and alcohol, or verbal or physical abuse - then something additional to marriage retreats may be necessary.
 
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“Izzypiper said:
Did you and your dear husband argue a lot and did it seemed to go in cycles? We just can’t figure out how to stop it.
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Once you realize the conversation is just going in circles, I recommend stop talking about it. It is amazing how quickly that brings an argument to an end. Nobody wants to argue with themselves. You have to be careful so that it’s not passive aggressive, though. Just have an agreement ahead of time that once an argument disolves to the point of going in circles that will be the end of it. You can revisit the issue at a later time. No retreat necessary.
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My husband gets very upset anytime I ask for help with money & it’s the same issues that get resolved because he tells me I stress him out. I don’t even know how much he has in account - his mom knows.
 
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Well this is your problem, then. You should be arguing about this. Hiding money from a spouse is a recipe for disaster. By not having full knowledge of your financial affairs you are giving him the power to run the show however he wishes. This is how people are able to have affairs and gambling problems and a bunch of other things without their spouse ever knowing.

Joint accounts are the only acceptable way to go, in my opinion. Full transparancy. Not only that, but you should be weighing in on all of the big financial decisions. It doesn’t matter how much each of you put into the pot. If you are a married couple it belongs to both of you.

I wouldn’t focus on the fact that you argue. I would focus on the fact that your husband thnks this is an acceptable way to manage your finances, as a married couple. To add salt to the wound, he thinks his mom has a place in yours and his financial affairs. Huge red flag.

I would let him know in no uncertain terms this is unacceptable and that things are going to change immediately. Full disclosure and a true partnership moving forward.
 
I agree and I have explained to him

That this has made me loose respect for him on so many levels. He still argues point and explains the reason why he hasn’t is due to an old credit card debt he hasn’t paid for and if he were to switch they would take all of our Kinney until paid off. I told him he needed to pay it off.

I had no idea about any of this before were married. I though we were in same page for finaces we did the pre martial classes and meet with the father multiple times.

Maybe I’m naive and keep praying and hoping that a martial retreat will help him see why it’s important to have a transparency marriage.

His father has been deceased for a while

I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else and I hope not. But this is where are continued cycle goes and we have talked about it in counseling so that’s why I feel that going through the Catholic Church in a marriage retreats would be helpful. At least I hope so. I just pray and hope it does help and he will go.

of other things without their spouse ever knowing.
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Just keep in mind that regardless if he agrees to attend a retreat with you, actions speak louder than words. Until he takes appropriate action, the problem still exists, no matter how much lip service he pays. It sounds to me like he is definitely trying to hide something from you. Many couples have credit card debt but that doesn’t mean that they don’t allow each other to see the accounts. It could be that he is ashamed to be in that situation. A retreat may help with his shame if that is what is fueling his behavior. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
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Thank you so much for your prayers and also replying. I’m scared of what will happen and I don’t want a divorce but at same time I don’t agree with his ways. I love him dearly too. Thank you for your prayers .
 
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