True love Story

[Mike.McKenzie]

How do you know when somebody is your soul mate. I have posted sever threads but do not get alot of feedback. So i will now tell the story.

When i was 18 i met a beautiful and very mature girl, through mutual friends that she does not even associate with at all. I dated this girl for 4 months before i had to leave for marine corps bootcamp. We had a tramendous connection from day one more that most, a huge spark. When i left i gave her an option i said you dont have to wait for me. She said are you crazy of course i will. It made me feel better about leaving but i did not truly expect her to stick by my side at all. Weeks went by and no response i thought she had left me out to dry. Then one day we got a mail call and i received a letter for every day that i was gone from her. Now anybody who knows about being gone in the military, letters are very important and are infact what keep a person going. For the duration of boot camp she still wrote me and even had her friends write me. So she was the only person to write me whatsoever, not even my family. So naturally i was deeply touched. She then flew down for my graduation with her family to watch me graduate in San Diego. I was so happy and when i got home i spent all the time with her. I was then gone for 6 more months straight and still the same thing letters and this time phone calls. It was great and when i got back 1 day after her birthday everything was great.

For the next 12 months we had a darn near flawless relationship i know she did not cheet and i know that for a fact cause some of her best friends were mine as well. They told me she did not leave her house but for only one week for a night on the town.

Well the we started to have problems for a few months due to our stubborness but still very much loved each other. So for about two years and three months we were fairly descent. Then that last three months i made a vital mistake. I began to ignore her spend time with friends and do other things i was not proud of that i she doesnt know. I then brought her to her breaking point and she broke it off.

Now we are not even friends but i truly love her and realize i made a mistake and realize that i truly took advantage of her. I really want her back now and for the past year have been fighting to do so, the fight almost seems pointless. She now has a boyfriend who does and sells drugs and drinks and i fear for her just because the guy has alot of money to spend on her. I never have and never will do drugs. But i am 21 now so i do have an occasional beer, and when she finds out she is very angry at me.

One of the reasons that i failed to mention that she is upset as well is because her parents let me borrow 850 dallors and i have still yet to pay them back fully. Also her bestfriends mom lent me 1500 dallors to pay a cell phone bill when i was in North Carolina. I have yet to pay her back fully as well.

Since we have been broken up she has come to me a few times to hang out at my apartment which i no longer have. She also impressed with the fact i got a mustang which i wrecked horribly. Now she upset and told me that if i dont pay her the money by April 17 she will never even speak to me. I think she may miss me a very small amount but none the less she does.

Now i dont know what to do and dont know how to get her back. But since her i have dated many girls and they have not showed me the love at all that she did. I cant get her out of my mind, i cry myself to sleep every night literally and i begin to wonder will i ever get her back? How do i get the only girl i have evey truly loved back. I know there are other girls but i have never met a girl or anybody for that matter who was truly dedicated as much as she was. I have truly lost my love and believe strongly that she is the one, and i let her get away. I need advise. I know i will truly change and i have since being with her i will never make the mistake as i did with her.

 

[NightRider]

A good place to start would be to pray and turn it over to the Lord. He is the one in charge! Then, tell her everything you just wrote above, *in person, *listen to what she has to say and believe her. You can do this! Keep us posted and let us know what transpires. Meanwhile, trust the Lord!

 

[Hermione]

I couldn’t vote on your poll because none of the choices matched what I think…

I think you’ll have a chance at a good relationship with her once you do your BEST (noone is perfect!) to do these things (and until you do, I don’t think you SHOULD be in a relationship with her or anyone else):

1. Take your Catholic faith very, very seriously.
2. Pray a lot about what God wants you to do, and pursue only if you feel that marriage is your vocation!
3. Be with a person for the purpose of discerning marriage, not just the fun of it.
4. Grow in the virtue of charity (synonymous with LOVE) by learning to care for other people before yourself. By being sensitive, empathetic, willing to sacrifice for others etc. Essentially you’ve got to be willing to put your partner ahead of you.
5. Become chaste not just physically but also in your thoughts and activities. Don’t think lustful thoughts. Don’t have lustful conversations etc.

I don’t want to criticize you or anything like that, but you said some things that didn’t sit well with me!

“For the next 12 months we had a darn near flawless relationship i know she did not cheet and i know that for a fact cause some of her best friends were mine as well.”

Maybe it’s not what you meant to say, but it seems like you’re saying that not cheating on someone is a sign of a good relationship!!! To me that’s like saying that not murdering someone is a sign of charity!!!

“She is also impressed with the fact i got a mustang…”

I would feel much better if she was impressed by how you pray the Rosary and read the Bible every day!!! Or by how you help other people. Or by how kind you are. Or how pure… you know?

I don’t know if this girl is “the one.” She could be, but maybe not. She treated you very well… but there are many other women who would love you that way too. So please don’t think that she’s the only one capable of treating you with love like that!

I think the think you should focus on right now is growing in faith and becoming a good Catholic man who is ready to discern marriage. AND MOST OF ALL READY TO BE A GOOD CATHOLIC HUSBAND. THIS MEANS LOVING YOUR WIFE AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. This would also include employment and preparing to have a family and children. My fiance and I met when we were young and ended up becoming best friends and then falling in love… we have to wait for a LONG time to marriage (have to finish college!), and I can tell you that this wait is not easy. I wish we could get married now now NOW!!!

 

[Alterum]

Dear Mike,

I, of course, agree with Hermione for the most part. However, I think it is important to point out a few other things. There is no such thing as a “soul mate.” In other words, God does not predestine two people to be husband and wife by somehow attaching their souls. If God means you to marry, then all you have to do is follow Him, and not worry about a thing. The essential part in all of this is following God; follow Him in all your thoughts and actions, not just those related to women. You will grow tremendously as a person the closer you come to God.

I have little insight into your situation, but the thing that worries me after reading your post is this: It’s been a while since this girl broke up with you. She refuses to forgive you for whatever it is that you did. By all indications, she wants little to do with you, and she is deeply resentful. Yet she still occupies the preeminent position in your mind. You say you cry yourself to sleep every night because of her. Mike, it sounds like you’re obsessed with her. I said what I did earlier about “soul mates” so that I could say this: Since soul mates don’t exist, that girl is not your soul mate. In fact, although your relationship began very pleasantly, it seems as though you’ve run into virtually insurmountable problems. Moreover, you still have plenty of areas in which to mature and grow; and if you grow as a person, your relationships will be far more mature. That said, you refuse to let go of the love you felt when you were with this girl. Why torture yourself? Give yourself time and distance from this girl. Realize that she’s just another person, albeit a very nice person at that. Maybe something might work out in the future, but you need to stop obsessing.

After reading your post, the thing that struck me most is how truly sorry you are for having compromised the relationship, and your strong resolve never to do something like that again. This is such an admirable thing! And it’s a wonderful message that you send to all the people who “mess up” in a big way (which is all of us at one time or another!) - out of evil can come a greater good if we accept God’s promptings And clearly, God is showing you the way - and giving you the means and incentive - to better yourself!

So if you’ll permit me, a bit of advice: If I were you, I would strongly consider letting go of your unnatural attachment to this girl. If you want to continue dating (with the intent to discern marriage), try looking in good, God-centered places. (Perhaps you’ve been looking in the wrong places?) There are many wonderful girls who will love you and forgive all your faults. Try going to Church or perhaps joining a Church group. Maybe you feel strongly about a moral issue; join a related organization. Volunteer your time to help the poor, elderly, or otherwise needy. Do something you enjoy! Remember to pray and direct your whole being toward God as much as is possible. God will never disappoint!

Again, I don’t have very much insight into your situation, but I thought I’d provide a different angle; I could be completely off-base. Prayer is always the best thing, and so you are in my prayers to start

 

[Benadam]

You mentioned that she visited you to just hang out. Can you tell me something about what happened and if there seemed to be a particular topic of discussion during these visits?.. Did she have a hidden agenda perhaps?

 

[jman507]

First off, I want to say thanks for being in the military. That is a hard life with a lot of sacrifice. That is one vocation where you can say you diffinantly may have to pick up leave home and be asked to actually to possibly lay down your life.

Next, I’d like to say that it is not enough to be a good person. Doing what you should does not mean that you are going to get what you want. Maybe you will or maybe you won’t. Thats more of a matter of if what you want matches with what you have. If you want the situation with a person to be different, first off you can show the other person that you have changed, but then your going to have to rely on God to help give a bit of grace to make that person’s heart to warm up a bit. LOL and remember guys are not like women. Besides if they were your mother would have kicked you to the curb long ago & you wonder why women seem crazy. That was God’s plan.

You really need to meditate on what it means to be a man and to grow more towards that. To be a man you must sacrifice, as Christ has did with laying down his life. Oh sometimes its easy to think, I could go and actually die to save my family, but that also means may also have to die to your old way of life to to a new one to give your family what it needs. I know you feel like your breaking down inside, but even in these times you must keep together.

But you want some advice, start out with Harmione’s. Thats some good stuff. Start to pray, just take a few minutes right now and make your own prayer and then take a few minutes to try to listen to the Lord. He may not actually talk to you, but if you feel you are being lead listen to that. There are lots of different ways to pray, start asking others and reading on ways to pray. Also talk to a priest and go to confession. They have great insight & if you haven’t been to confession and you give a good one, you’ll come out feeling great.

Read the scriptures too. I suggest the gosples and the patriarchs Genisis 11 and on. If your not to familar, be not afraid. You are not reading to understand so much, you are praying/reading to make a connection. Then also work on your relationships with others. If your not going to be nice to someone old, what does that say is going to happen when you both get older. If your not nice to children, what does that say is going to happen when you have kids. Don’t forget your Blessed Mother either. She understands how you feel in your heart.

Well, I think I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll PM you, check your messages. I cannot say if she will come back or not. Pay off the debts as you can its the honorable thing to do. Keep it together and not show her what your going through. Make the changes you have too. Your far from the first man to make changes, cause a woman. If you make the right changes you will be a blessing to some woman and children, regardless of if it’s her or not.

 

[kage_ar]

I second and third what was said above - no such thing as “soul mates”, this is a very humanistic view. Let GOD guide you in all things.

Be honest, PAY YOUR DEBTS - and do not borrow money from family in the future.

Work hard, pray, be a shining example of Christian love.

The rest will follow.

 

[rayne89]

kage_ar:

I second and third what was said above - no such thing as “soul mates”, this is a very humanistic view. Let GOD guide you in all things.

I do believe in soul mates. Does that mean if you find your soul mate that everything is perfect? Hardly. The idea that if you find your soul mate you ride of into the sunset and live happily ever after is a fairy tale. I think your soul mate is someone God find’s for you. My husband and I have been through about every marriage crisis you can imagine. Some very painful stuff. I *know him as well as I know my own self and he knows *me. I do feel we are “one flesh.” Not in a suffercating over bearing way. But in a deep loving accepting way, if that makes any sense.

Mike,
When you say she gets angry when you have an occasional beer? Are you having a beer while carousing at bars while hanging out with your single buddies. Do you have a past history of accesive drinking causing problems in your relationship? Did you wreck your mustang while you were under the influence? These are things you need to be truly honest with yourself about. I am a former military wife and alcohol abuse is hardly uncommon with military and wrecks relationship and marriages.

You need to pay off your debt, and show that you have changed. You need to be ready to sacrifice what you want or feel like doing for what is in the best interest for both of you. You need to act responsible and sincere. And then most important pray and be ready to accept God’s will.

 

[Benadam]

kage_ar:

I second and third what was said above - no such thing as “soul mates”, this is a very humanistic view. Let GOD guide you in all things.

Be honest, PAY YOUR DEBTS - and do not borrow money from family in the future.

Work hard, pray, be a shining example of Christian love.

The rest will follow.

I agree and Jesus according to the Holy Scriptures does as well.

" those fit for the resurrection are not given in marriage for they can no longer die."

 

[Benadam]

kage_ar:

I second and third what was said above - no such thing as “soul mates”, this is a very humanistic view. Let GOD guide you in all things.

Be honest, PAY YOUR DEBTS - and do not borrow money from family in the future.

Work hard, pray, be a shining example of Christian love.

The rest will follow.

I agree and Jesus according to the Holy Scriptures does as well.

" those fit for the resurrection are not given in marriage for they are like the angels and can no longer die."

 

[jrabs]

OK - I’ll chime in here because I thought I too, had a “soul mate”.

Let God pick for you. Trust that God will bring you His choice, in His time and in His way. Stay out of meddling and trying to bring about your own results. And man is that ever hard.
Just spend your time right now in faith and much prayer. Have God be your focus and He will bless you more than you could ever know.

I dated a man in college - made a mistake and married someone else. Fast forward 20 years, I am now divorce and annuled.
One day I end up reading about this man from college again in another city’s newspaper. Yep - I just so happened to pick up a newspaper from another city. What are the chances???

Well, I got in touch with him and immedialtey fell in love again. He told me he had never married because he was in love with me all these 20 years.

Nice - we believed we were soul mates and all that stuff. God did bring us togehter for a reason - but we are not togehter any longer.
It was a rough time for me after I broke up with him. Why God Why?

I am still unsure of God’s reasons, if maybe just to pray for him daily. I do not think he has anyone who prays for him as his family is all dead.
Maybe it was just to draw me closer to God - since that is who I have leaned on in this time of healing for me.

What ever the reasons, this time I have sat back and just let God heal me, and work in me. Oh what peace I have now.

I may always love this man, but if we had married like we wanted, I am sure it would have been me, once again strepping out of God’s plan.
I recently met a great man at daily mass. Maybe God’s choice?

 

[chloe]

You have received great advice and it probably will overwelm you.

You will find love again. DO not let this event overcome your thoughts and time. If it is meant to be then, it will happen. Trust in God. It is ok to apologize and let this person know that you are truly sorry for making whatever mistakes you made, but it won’t guarantee that she will come back. And, for God sake, if you owe someone money, pay it back pronto! This may well be a lesson for you to learn from your mistakes so that the next time around you will be more prepared and ready to take on the committment of marriage with someone.

Praying will help you get through this so turn to God and don’t be afraid to ask for his help and trust in his will for you. Don’t ignore the fact that your relationship was falling apart which led you astray to begin with!! After all, if this person is mixed up with someone who is into drugs etc., is that someone who you would be able to rationalize with? Don’t ignore the obvious out loneliness. You will find love again. Believe it and it will happen.

And, last but not least, fall in love with someone who will do whatever it takes to be with you in GOOD and BAD. If this person truly loved you & was “meant to be with you”, they would have forgiven you and still be by your side. Sometimes we can love people but not necessarily be the right match for them. As far as soul mates, I’m not so sure that we have only one soul mate, we could probably live happily with several different types of personalities/characteristics. If you found love once, you will find it again.

 

[shannin]

kage_ar:

I second and third what was said above - no such thing as “soul mates”, this is a very humanistic view. Let GOD guide you in all things.

Be honest, PAY YOUR DEBTS - and do not borrow money from family in the future.

Work hard, pray, be a shining example of Christian love.

The rest will follow.

Yes, PAY YOUR DEBTS to her family & friends and let God guide you and the rest will indeed follow. Also, soul mates do not exist.

Bless you,
Shannin

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’ll say what has been said again: Pay those debts. In my opinion, aside from prayer and confession, your first priority ought to be paying these. If it were me, I’d spend every bit of income I had (short of a little bit for unexpected emergencies) on this repayment. I’d avoid unnecessary expensese (restaurants, movies etc) as much as possible until this debt is paid. Even though this is not your intention, it might appear as though you are taking advantage of your lendors. I wouldn’t do this because she is threatening not to speak to you again. I’d do this because it just needs to be done. Your motivation needs to come from somewhere other than desire for her approval.

The other “red flag” that hit me was that she was impressed (and I’m guessing disappointed after the crash) with the mustang. And how does she go from a nice person like you to a drug dealer? What qualities in him make her willing to put up with this pretty big flaw? I don’t want to judge her without knowing her, but that gives me questions about either her character or her maturity or what she values in a man.

Maybe she will be the one. But before you can ever know this, you need to get your life in order (financially at least) so you look like a serious prospect to her. And then you need to look seriously at your values and goals, and at hers and make sure they are compatable.

God Bless.
TKC

 

[Mike_Olson]

“Then that last three months i made a vital mistake. I began to ignore her spend time with friends and do other things i was not proud of that i she doesnt know. I then brought her to her breaking point and she broke it off.”

What made you start to ignore her? Did you grow bored with the relationship? You do need to spend time taking a honest look at your motivations. Pray that God will show you.

“But i am 21 now so i do have an occasional beer, and when she finds out she is very angry at me.”

Sounds to me like you may have a alcohol problem was this part of the reason you broke up in the first place?? Drinking and putting your friends before her, no woman likes that. Pray for change if this is the case. I am an alcohol/addict and this almost led to my marriages dissolution. You are obsessed with this girl more than in love. I know some about that too. I was obsessed with a girl other than my wife . The way you write it looks like obsession to me. Even through all our troubles, my better half (I mean that literally) has put up with me for 24 years. You have gotten really good advice from all posters, take it, it starts with you, what you have to do to become a good Catholic and don’t make the mistake of doing it for her, do it for yourself. With God all things are possible, if he so wills it things will work out for you with this girl. Don’t count on it though…he may have something better in store for you!

 

[Prometheum_x]

chloe:

Sometimes we can love people but not necessarily be the right match for them.

While I have known that in some form or another, I have never seen it put quite like that. Thank you. . . I shall have to think about that some.