Un-Merry Christmas

[BayCityRickL]

A member of my family and I are about as estranged as two people could be.

I can only refer you to St. Francis of Assisi who was, it seems, estranged from his own father. After Francis removed his clothes and gave them back to his father, he never talked to him again – if I have the story straight.

Of course, I will not go into the ugly details. There’s just nothing left to say to this person. It is assuredly better for me NOT to see this person at Christmas. Do you know what I mean?

 

[the_phoenix]

Dear BayCityRickL:

I once read that St. Francis was so hurt by his father’s disowning him that St. Francis would pay a beggar man money so that when St. Francis and his father happened to meet in public and the father cursed him, the beggar man would then turn and give St. Francis a blessing.

I’ve also experienced problems with family members. I was able to be in the same room and have dinner with the persons involved, but also took very strong word and action such that the entire family knew where I stood, what behavior I would and would not tolerate, and what would in fact cause me to get up from the table and leave.

While these relationships may not be perfect, in my case, I’ve always felt I should at least make my best serious effort to share Christmas dinner. In my case, things have improved … it’s definitely taken some time though.

Will pray for you,

~~ the phoenix

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Are you trying to convince yourself not to see this person?

If it is a parent or grandparent, plan to drop by if you can. Imagine yourself looking back to this year from the time in the future when the two of you are reconciled. It can happen, if the door is left open. As they deserve your respect, if nothing else, make the effort to be the one to do that.

If it is some other relative or friend, and you expect to run into them, it is okay to restrict yourself to “Merry Christmas, Bob” and then to wander over to chat with others. If you don’t expect acknowledgement, you don’t have to wait for it. Don’t waste any of the season mulling over whether you should have gotten some. If you get a rude reply, you can give a non-response. “Oh, I see. Well, like I said… Merry Christmas, Bob!” Repeat variations, as cheerfully as possible, for as long as necessary. But try not to hold yourself entirely out of gatherings that will miss you on account of this rift. Leave only if it is proven to be truly necessary to save the gathering, and leave with a sense of giving for the sake of the long term, not anger at the present… “Well, it was worth trying. I’ll try to see you all later. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” And have an agreeable Plan B in place, so you honestly can go and be fine.

Always think in the long term. You and they are eternal. Whatever you are estranged over is not. Therefore, there is something left to say to this person. You just may have to wait until Heaven before you say it… and it will be, “Thank God, that all that nonsense is over! How wonderful to see you!” (Followed by embraces and happy tears… that is a picture for Christmas, no?)

 

[SemperJase]

BayCityRickL:

There’s just nothing left to say to this person. It is assuredly better for me NOT to see this person at Christmas. Do you know what I mean?

I know what you mean. There are situations that are irreconcilable as long as at least one person holds a grudge. My wife and I have gotten to the point where we no longer find it necessary to expose ourselves to insults from a certain person. In hindsight, I wonder why it took us so long.

 

[BayCityRickL]

Even this evening since I posted this thread, I have mulled this over. This may not be a general solution for everybody, but distancing myself from this person, even in a mental way this evening, has helped me to put this person into perspective slightly more than I have done before.

So, I beg your indulgence for thinking this problem through in this forum. And, I appreciate the comments so far and will look for others as times go by.

Yes, the preceding post sort of nails part of the problem for me too, but my situation is not just being the constant target of insults. but, that is a major component of the problem. This person and I do not have a stable relationship. Part of my frustration is constantly trying to sort out what that relationship is. And, I find it difficult to try to communicate with someone who is neither interested in nor very capable of communicating. This is a also a person who does not understand themself very well.

Some babies will cry when they’re hungry, and some of those will cry when they’re full, as well. And, they’ll cry when they’re wet, and diaper-full, and tired. Dealing with this person is like dealing with such a baby.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

BayCityRickL:

Some babies will cry when they’re hungry, and some of those will cry when they’re full, as well. And, they’ll cry when they’re wet, and diaper-full, and tired. Dealing with this person is like dealing with such a baby.

My nephew was like that…literally. It turned out that he had a hernia. Poor baby, he was essentially in constant pain. It was corrected with surgery.

Alas, you make it clear that you are not a surgeon. It is sad when a person is a constant irritant to you, or vice versa, especially when you feel you should have a close relationship. There are some maladies, though, that aren’t within your power to fix. You do your best and keep your hope that you will someday meet under better circumstances, when God has healed it all.

It is okay to leave something that looks dead in God’s hands and wait to see if spring might come. You don’t need to stand in the cold and worry about it. You do what little you can, and after that you just try not to step on the place where it might come up.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

There’s a man who hurt me very badly, or it seemed at the time, and I have wished for a long time that we never cross paths again – to make matters worse, some others not only agreed with him, but helped him do it.

Yes, he was ill-informed and, given his level of responsibility, should have known wayy better than to do what he did to me.

I’d rather not speak of it, though I’m sure it can never match your own story except in the remotest of ways.

I don’t konw about you, but no matter how horrible it was, after reading your story, suddenly I don’t feel so bad about my own sorry situation. I don’t know why, but my life is changing even now as I write this small and somewhat unrelated reply.

Thank you for sharing, and I hope you will find peace with this matter very soon.

Alan

 

[Giannawannabe]

BayCityRickL:

A member of my family and I are about as estranged as two people could be.

I can only refer you to St. Francis of Assisi who was, it seems, estranged from his own father. After Francis removed his clothes and gave them back to his father, he never talked to him again – if I have the story straight.

Of course, I will not go into the ugly details. There’s just nothing left to say to this person. It is assuredly better for me NOT to see this person at Christmas. Do you know what I mean?

If you feel comfortable, Rick, would you be able to share whether this family member is in your immediate family or your extended family? If it is a brother/sister/father/mother person, then it is an entirely different matter, than if it is a cousin/aunt/uncle type person. If not seeing this person at Christmas will mean not seeing the rest of your immediate family, I would say that you may have to bite the bullet and see him/her at the family gathering. I have some very difficult immediate family. I HAVE to see these people at Christmas or else I would miss my brothers, sisters, nieces/nephews who come from out of town. I’m not willing to do that, so I have to learn to keep my distance from the toxic people while milling about with the family members I want to see. It’s difficult, but possible. I’m sorry for your pain, and will pray for you and your difficult family member.

 

[ConcernCatholic]

I just had to put in my two cents on this one. Sometimes it is best to avoid the person that is toxic in your life. My mom and sister can’t and won’t get along for any reason. Every time they are together, they find more reasons to hate each other. I do mean hate, there is nothing loving in their relationship at all. The last time they were together, they made everybody else miserable. It wasn’t so much what they said but more the tension. It was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. It really spoiled whatever it was that was going on. Even if they don’t say anything to each other, they both spend the entire time seeing each other analyzing the others every intention. We have since learned to make sure those two do not cross paths. If that means that I have to have two birthday parties for my children, then that is what I do because I don’t want to put anyone through the inevitable pain that would result from them seeing each other. It is sometimes best to avoid someone that is that annoying so that it doesn’t turn into hate. After all, aren’t we supposed to resist temptation.

I will pray for you. I know how difficult these situations can be.

Say a few prayers for my mom and sister too!!! They need all the help they can get.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

ConcernCatholic:

Sometimes it is best to avoid the person that is toxic in your life. My mom and sister can’t and won’t get along for any reason…The last time they were together, they made everybody else miserable… Even if they don’t say anything to each other, they both spend the entire time seeing each other analyzing the others every intention.
…
Say a few prayers for my mom and sister too!!! They need all the help they can get.

There is so much of this, and it is felt so deeply at this time of year, people like your sister and mom make a very good prayer intention for Advent.

BayCityRickL, maybe the people you should ask are the other ones in your family or circle who are affected. Since they can see it from the outside, they may have some insights that escape both you and the rest of us. They’ll also know if this person will make *their *Christmas better or worse for your having been absent. If nothing else, they’ll know why you aren’t there. Maybe, like ConcernCatholic, they’ll want to make arrangements for an alternative meeting that includes you, one that is healthy and warm… and they may be very relieved that you were willing to raise the topic, so they didn’t have to.

My prayers will be with you and all that have this problem.

 

[wacky_wonderful]

ConcernCatholic:

I just had to put in my two cents on this one. Sometimes it is best to avoid the person that is toxic in your life. My mom and sister can’t and won’t get along for any reason. Every time they are together, they find more reasons to hate each other. I do mean hate, there is nothing loving in their relationship at all.

Wow, so I’m not alone. My mother is heavily into the occult. Has been for years and years. Not interested in God. Very long story, but suffice it to say that we have not had contact with each other in 25+ years. Same thing for my dad. They are divorced. Neither one wants anything to do with me or my brother. We weren’t wanted. This forum has given me more comfort in the past 2 days than you can ever know. Thanks!!

 

[SeekerJen]

Sometimes avoidance needs to be done for the sake of all concerned. It took my parents quite some time to realize the strain that my dad’s extremely dysfunctional family was putting on their marriage. Now that we’ve stopped obeying their every beck and call, my parents are getting along much better, my father is much happier, my mom no longer cares about the constant ostracization, and even though it was nice to see my cousins more often, taking the step back has allowed me to see exactly how toxic some of these people are, and the level to which some of my cousins’ minds have been poisoned by hearing the constant insults directed at other family members. We love them, of course, they’re our flesh and blood. But that doesn’t mean we need to let them trample our lives and emotions.

Of course, right now my dad’s the black sheep again for no obvious reason. The family “patriarch” (dad’s second-oldest brother) is currently not speaking to us. We have no idea what was done to offend- unless it was failing to show up for tamale breakfast last weekend- it wouldn’t be told to us if we asked, and quite frankly, after decades of this nonsense, we don’t really care about the reasons anymore. We’re here when they decide to drop the grudges. It’s sad- this uncle’s Christmas Day parties used to be such fun for all. I’m not sure we would have been welcomed in the door if we had showed up this year, and I doubt very much that many would have crossed my uncle to speak with us at length. Sigh. And this uncle is my godfather.