Unable to forgive....anyone

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Delphinus85

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I have a very bad problem I really need help with.

About a year ago I had a great room mate. The best I’d ever had in college. We watched movies together and we got along great. I really loved her, and she got along great with my fiancee (now husband). At anyrate, I had a friend who needed a place to live so she moved in with us. Things were going great until she started sleeping in the living room and they moved me into a bedroom. I had left some dishes on the counter and she wrote me this huge note basically calling me a child and saying she was sick of cleaning up after me. We had this huge fight because I was angry she left this note where my other room mate could see it to make me look bad. It worked. My other room mate took her side.

I started hanging out in my room after that, even though we talked about it, and we agreed to forget it and move on. But i was scared of them. When I started to get over it I got slammed with homework, but I made a point to do their dishes once in a while when I had time, and trying to talk to them. They usually ignored me, and I could her them in their room talking and giggling. (even sometimes talking about me). They slammed their doors alot (usually late at night when I was sleeping) and when one of them noticed that someone was doing their dishes, the other took credit for it!

At any rate, I resolved to silently bear it and try to make the relationship work, then they got worse. We had only one parking spot for the apartment and I had asked them to keep it open for me. They didn’t and I had to walk a half a mile in the dark to my apartment carrying a laptop in the middle of the night in a not-so-safe neighborhood. I forgured they just forgot. The next night I had to be out late for an astronomy class, and I left them a note asking them to PLEASE leave spot for me. Again, they didn’t and I was lucky enough to find a spot a little closer to the complex. I was late calling my fiancee (who was worried about me after the previous night and told me to call him as soon as I could). I was rushing to get ready for bed and I was inadvertently slamming doors. I woke them up (oops) and they came out, guns blazing, accusing me of being pissed off because they doidn’t leave me a spot. I really wasn’t that upset, and I needed to get to bed.

At anyrate, after everything that was going on, and only 2 weeks of school left, I decided to leave to go live with a friend down the road. I packed up a few pots and pans I had collected over the years (since i had lived alone before and needed the pans) so I had something to cook with, and a little food. I left.

The phone calls started. Nasty messages on my phone accusing me of stealing their cookware. Them stopping me on the street to yell at me, calling me on my phone, and them getting the school involved. They were accusing me of stealing thir cookware since I contributed most of the stuff since I had already been living on my own for several years. I did no such thing, but I checked and sure enough in one of the pans was a couple cups and silverware. I took them to the school office to give back to them. Their attitude and language made it clear that there would be no talking to them calmly, and I didn’t need that. They were told to pick up their stuff in the office. I left a note apologizing for taking their stuff on accident, and for the way I’d been acting since they seemed to take so much offense to it. I don’ tknow what set it off…

next thing I knew I had school authorities calling me a theif for taking their pans. I was given a list of everything they said was theirs and it was EVERYTHING I owned save for a dented saucepan and some plates and bowls. Naturally I wasn’t going to give up my stuff I needed to cook with. I had also left a pet fish in the apartment, and all my clothes. He took me back to the apartment to get my stuff and they came in my room screaming at me and accusing me and my fiancee of stealing their stuff when he explained that he bought me HALF the stuff they were accusing me of stealing, and his friend gave me the other half of the stuff. [continues]
 
[continuation]

They had backed me into a corner and were calling me all kinds of dirty names, accusing me of things, and on top of it all, my fish had somehow died (I know it sounds stupid, but I was attached to that little guy). I screamed, blew up, threw things at the wall and started screaming profanities, not at them but along the lines of “get the f * * * out of my room!” and whatnot. They finally backed away. I don’t remember much after that. I remember later though that my fiancee told me that I kind of went blank. Crying, talking about wanting to kill myself, shivering, and hyperventillating. I guess at one point I even tried to jump out of his car into traffic. See, that day they school had even called me and told me that they were told that I was living with my fiancee and that was something that would get me expelled. And the person accusing me was someone in admin that I had built a close relationship with and she said she’d always trust me. I obviously wasn’t living wth my fiancee, and the person I was living with was a female friend.

Now, this was all over 6 months ago. I still can’t move on. I can’t forgive myself for getting so angry and acting that way (I never have before) the worst part is I can’t forgive them. I keep having nightmares about it (reliving it mostly) and I hate myself so much for it, and I am STILL mad at them. I can’t seem to get past it, I can’t seem to forgive them. I want to. I’ve tried prayer, fasting, everything I can think of. I can’t move on, and I can’t forgive myself. I’ve never acted in such anger and rage in my life. I am honestly scared at how I reacted. I’ve never talked to anyone about this because I don’t have anyone neutral in the situation (we all ran in similar circles) and I didn’t want to be a gossip. I’ve concidered counselling, but I don’t know how that will help. I have never been treated so inhumanely in all my life, and I was physically abused as a child! I have forgiven my dad and now he and I are close, but I can’t forgive them. PLEASE. Any suggestions?

The worst part is since all of this was at a christian university, and eveyone involved claimed to be such a great christian, I haven’t exactly been following God too closely lately. I feel anger towards him even. And I am scared because of this. Honestly…I miss God.
 
Hi Delphinus85,
I feel for you in what has happened. I don’t know if I can help at all, but I have done things in my life that I have been very ashamed of, including getting very angry at another person. I couldn’t forgive myself and thought “how could God forgive such a person like me”, although I never got angry at God for what I went through because the only person to blame was myself. The only way I was able to deal with this after several months was to go to confession and ask for God’s forgiveness because He was the one who deserved my apology the most. I also knew that I had to apologise to the other person involved even though they had thrown the first “punch” which caused my anger. I can tell you now, after my confession, God blessed me with peace and I could get on with my life again.
You say you miss God…well He misses you too. Do not blame Him for the actions of others for He would never treat anyone in such a cruel way. Go to confession, ask God for forgiveness, write a letter to your room-mates and ask for their forgiveness for your behaviour. I know they were just as much, or even more, to blame but it is the only way you will find peace with yourself. Humility is a great thing in God’s eyes, and your asking for forgiveness from both Him and others is most pleasing to Him. If, after doing these things you still can’t forgive yourself then think on this…the devil *loves *to see people torment themselves over their past sins. He does all he can to make people despair, because despair leads people away from asking God for forgiveness. Who would you rather make happy - God, who loves you so much, or the devil, who hates us all with a passion?
You’re in my prayers. God bless.
 
Sounds like a roommate situation I had. It sounds like verbal and emotional abuse and that is much harder to deal with. It also sounds like they have mental health issues.

You’ve left the situation. That’s good. It will take time to get over this. I know that is my situation there are still times when I am going to bed that I have to remind myself that I am safe, that the front door is locked, that the ex-roommate doesn’t know where I live, that I can call the police. But the first few months after I had moved (read evicted by this roommate) I had to deal with anxiety and fear. I was safe but this roommate had done everything to wear me down verbally and emotionally hurt me (add to that I had to deal with 18 years of it from my parents) and I wasn’t is exactly great shape.

Time away from that person and situation helped. It’s been three years now and I still have the occasional issue. You may not be able to forgive them right now. That’s okay. You want to forgive them is enough right now. You might consider counseling since the counselor will be a neutral party. Also, it’s not your fault. Yes, you acted in a way that wish you hadn’t. They are responsible for their actions. You are only responsible for your actions. And you’re still mad. You are still in a fight or flight mode. You don’t feel safe. If you have to write it a thousand times, tell yourself you are safe. It will get better. Changes don’t happen over night. It takes time.

When you pray, tell God that you are unable to forgive these people and that you need His grace to do so. He is willing and able to help you out in this. Tell Him you’re mad at Him. I know that might seem strange but it will help.

Also, may be you should think about transferring schools. If the environment you’e in is not conducive to studying, learning, and you emotional and spiritual health, you can change that.

PM if you want to vent any more or just complain about not so nice roommates. Otherwise, I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Hi Delphinus85,
I feel for you in what has happened. I don’t know if I can help at all, but I have done things in my life that I have been very ashamed of, including getting very angry at another person. I couldn’t forgive myself and thought “how could God forgive such a person like me”, although I never got angry at God for what I went through because the only person to blame was myself. The only way I was able to deal with this after several months was to go to confession and ask for God’s forgiveness because He was the one who deserved my apology the most. I also knew that I had to apologise to the other person involved even though they had thrown the first “punch” which caused my anger. I can tell you now, after my confession, God blessed me with peace and I could get on with my life again.
You say you miss God…well He misses you too. Do not blame Him for the actions of others for He would never treat anyone in such a cruel way. Go to confession, ask God for forgiveness, write a letter to your room-mates and ask for their forgiveness for your behaviour. I know they were just as much, or even more, to blame but it is the only way you will find peace with yourself. Humility is a great thing in God’s eyes, and your asking for forgiveness from both Him and others is most pleasing to Him. If, after doing these things you still can’t forgive yourself then think on this…the devil *loves *to see people torment themselves over their past sins. He does all he can to make people despair, because despair leads people away from asking God for forgiveness. Who would you rather make happy - God, who loves you so much, or the devil, who hates us all with a passion?
You’re in my prayers. God bless.
 
thank you all for your replies. 2 points of clarification. I have sense moved far away from the school, got married, and lost all contact with these people.

JesusLoveAll - Thank you, I have concidered writing a letter to them, but I don’t know where they are, and I already wrote one when it all happened, and it was after that things got even worse.
 
I, too, have suffered great injustice at the hands of “friends.” It does take a LONG time to get over it. At the time, most of the feelings are all about the incident itself – the details of who said what to whom. But after a while you realize that the real pain comes from the betrayal by someone you cared about, trusted, shared your dreams with, etc. You opened your arms, your home, your heart to someone – and instead of valuing you, they spat on you. The humilation and shame of being told, in effect, that you are worth nothing is perhaps the greatest pain a person can suffer. It is easy to close yourself off from people and to no longer trust anyone. But the better way is to make new friends with people who are fair, just, considerate, kind, and loving in their relationships with you. As you slowly heal, you will eventually look back with pity on those “friends” who hurt you. Their lies and deceit show you the kind of people they really are. It helps me to remember that when they go to judgment all their lies, and the consequences and damage caused by those lies, will be exposed and will be met with Justice. So I struggle to forgive them, again and again as I sometimes slide back into self-pity. I pray for forgiveness for my weak nature, and I pray for the strength to finally, fully, forgive them. And I comfort myself with the thought that God will give them all the justice and mercy to which they are entitled. This leaves me with nothing but to put them out of my mind. I do not want the person I am today to be shaped by the evil things that were done to me or said to me or about me. And so I move on.
May God bless you in your continued efforts to be happy, healthy, and whole!
 
thank you. I just wish I knew how much longer Iam going to be tortured by this. And of course all of this happened the same time I was becoming catholic. I had already lost a lot of friends, and since this was a protestant school (fundamentalist at that) I was already a second rate citizen, and measures were being taken to ensure I knew that.
 
You said, “I just wish I knew how much longer I am going to be tortured by this.” Well that is up to you.
Not to share too much information, but I am 50 years old and I still carry the guilt of things I did when I was as young as 8 years old, and the shame of incidents that took place at work or between friends when I was 15, 20, 30, and 40 years old. But, I am one of those personality types who is anal, workaholic, perfectionist, have mild bouts of scrupulosity, etc. Also, I have never been married and have never had someone who truly loved me. This reinforces my feelings of low self-worth and encourages me to hang on to my wounded pride, shame, etc.
So, I would hold myself up to you as a negative role-model. You DO NOT want to end up like me! Already, you are married and have someone in your life who loves you and values you – so you are already far ahead of the game! You need to love yourself, except God’s love for you, except God’s forgiveness, and share that forgiveness with the people in your life who have hurt you.
What I have learned from the various painful incidents in my life is that people are basically evil. It is God’s love that saves us. It is Christ on the cross who forgives us. It is the Holy Spirit within us who motivates us to pray and who prays with us. By ourselves, we can accomplish nothing that is good. Despite the fact that your “friends” were attending a Christian college, it seems to me that they had moved away from God and that is how they were able to do and say what they did. Read the Psalms and you will see that you are not alone in suffering persecution and in crying out to God for relief, protection, forgiveness, and salvation.
“How much longer am I going to be tortured by this?” That is up to you.
 
ThePenitent said:
You said, “I just wish I knew how much longer I am going to be tortured by this.” Well that is up to you.
Not to share too much information, but I am 50 years old and I still carry the guilt of things I did when I was as young as 8 years old, and the shame of incidents that took place at work or between friends when I was 15, 20, 30, and 40 years old. But, I am one of those personality types who is anal, workaholic, perfectionist, have mild bouts of scrupulosity, etc. Also, I have never been married and have never had someone who truly loved me. This reinforces my feelings of low self-worth and encourages me to hang on to my wounded pride, shame, etc.
So, I would hold myself up to you as a negative role-model. You DO NOT want to end up like me! Already, you are married and have someone in your life who loves you and values you – so you are already far ahead of the game! You need to love yourself, except God’s love for you, except God’s forgiveness, and share that forgiveness with the people in your life who have hurt you.
What I have learned from the various painful incidents in my life is that people are basically evil. It is God’s love that saves us. It is Christ on the cross who forgives us. It is the Holy Spirit within us who motivates us to pray and who prays with us. By ourselves, we can accomplish nothing that is good. Despite the fact that your “friends” were attending a Christian college, it seems to me that they had moved away from God and that is how they were able to do and say what they did. Read the Psalms and you will see that you are not alone in suffering persecution and in crying out to God for relief, protection, forgiveness, and salvation.
“How much longer am I going to be tortured by this?” That is up to you.
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yes…i know it is up to me. And if i had my way about it, I’d be over and done with it now. Most says these days, I am okay. But every once in a while…well once or twice a week I have nightmares about it. Or something will happen to remind me of it (do you know how hard cooking is? I don’t even like going near pots and pans because of the whole thing)
 
this is one type of situation where resorting to the legal system can actually assist in healing and getting over the situation, and leaving behind the damage it does. Things like written leases and agreements among co-renters, including listing of personal property brought into the place by the renters, division of chores etc. Things like a timely letter on a lawyer’s letterhead. Many colleges have free legal help for students dealing with such issues, and rental issues are among the most common (along with sexual harrassment). The legal process – and I don’t mean just suing someone or calling police – but the entire system of contracts, torts etc., helps us to look at the situation rationally, identify the issues, and find solutions. Your story is very good for anyone contemplating such an arrangement. Renter 3 should have been made to sign an amendment to the lease when she came.

as for forgiveness, it is about you, not about them. it also is a process (like grieving) that takes place in definites steps, over a period of time, and nobody can tell you “just forgive and move on” any more than they can tell you “just say goodbye to your deceased loved one and move on”. You have to go through the same steps of acceptance, lhonesty, etting go, anger, sadness, self-recrimination, forgiveness, and the last step, reconciliation is sometimes never going to be possible, but getting to forgiveness eventually is your goal. For the time being try to get to the stage where you can say “I would like to forgive, but I just cannot do it right now, but I would like to forgive someday.” that is the first step. Forgiveness is essential to your own mental, physical and spiritual help, even if you need guidance in working through those steps.
 
puzzleannie said:
this is one type of situation where resorting to the legal system can actually assist in healing and getting over the situation, and leaving behind the damage it does. Things like written leases and agreements among co-renters, including listing of personal property brought into the place by the renters, division of chores etc. Things like a timely letter on a lawyer’s letterhead. Many colleges have free legal help for students dealing with such issues, and rental issues are among the most common (along with sexual harrassment). The legal process – and I don’t mean just suing someone or calling police – but the entire system of contracts, torts etc., helps us to look at the situation rationally, identify the issues, and find solutions. Your story is very good for anyone contemplating such an arrangement. Renter 3 should have been made to sign an amendment to the lease when she came.

as for forgiveness, it is about you, not about them. it also is a process (like grieving) that takes place in definites steps, over a period of time, and nobody can tell you “just forgive and move on” any more than they can tell you “just say goodbye to your deceased loved one and move on”. You have to go through the same steps of acceptance, lhonesty, etting go, anger, sadness, self-recrimination, forgiveness, and the last step, reconciliation is sometimes never going to be possible, but getting to forgiveness eventually is your goal. For the time being try to get to the stage where you can say “I would like to forgive, but I just cannot do it right now, but I would like to forgive someday.” that is the first step. Forgiveness is essential to your own mental, physical and spiritual help, even if you need guidance in working through those steps.
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Yeah, we never had an official chore list. We basically cleaned up after ourselves, and if someone had left a mess, we ignored it until it got in our way, and usually never happened. We just…existed together and everything was fine. It was like living with a friend. You don’t really talk everything out beforehand, and everything just flows well. I guess you could say the newcomer trashed all of that. Although, I knew her beforehand (as I said, she was a friend of mine who needed a place to stay) and she divided alot of people against each other. I thought she had changed, and I myself had had to work through forgiving her stuff she had done to me BEFORE all of this. Like I said, I am really quick to forgive, forget, and give the benefit of the doubt that they learned from their experience as I had.

As for the second part. thank you for this. Everyone is telling me to just move on, and not let it bother me anymore, and it’s just not working. What’s even more frustrating is it’s been 6 months and I still can’t “move on”
 
I didnt read your whole thread or all the replies but if you have resentments towards another person and are having trouble forgiving then the best thing to do is to pray for them. Every Day!! You will feel your resentments towards them slip away, sometimes within days.

This is an old AA trick. I havnt heard of it ever failing but I have heard of it succeeding. Alot.

God Bless and I will say a prayer for you:

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

God Bless
In Jesus through Mary
Steve
 
Sorry I didn’t get back sooner. It’s great that you moved on and away from these people. And congrats on being married.

Don’t beat yourself up about not getting over this in six months. It will take time. It is going to take time. Like puzzleannie said, forgiveness is a process. Hey, I’m still working through all this myself. I have moved on for the most part but there are still times, moments where this experience, this ex-roommate still pops up.

Well, I’m glad you’re here.
 
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