Underwear

[CuriousInIL]

I know that there have been threads that discuss related issues, but I have not found this issue specifically discussed. All are invited to weigh in though I am particularly interested in your opinions, ladies.

A husband buying “nice” (also could substitute “sexy” or “special” or ?–you get the point) underwear for his wife.

Two questions:
Is there any moral issue with this?
Do you appreciate it when he does this or would you so prefer something else that it really doesn’t seem like a gift for you?

 

[amdgjmj]

I was just wondering the same thing! Is a wife wearing sexy lingerie for her husband a near occasion, if not an occasion, for lust?

 

[frogman80]

It would not be immoral for a husband to buy his wife underwear.

My wife would be very appreciative of this gesture… I just haven’t gotten the gumption to do it yet . I have tried, but I get the cold sweats and start turning shades of red that crayola hasn’t even seen before. Ahh… maybe someday…

 

[JimO]

amdgjmj:

I was just wondering the same thing! Is a wife wearing sexy lingerie for her husband a near occasion, if not an occasion, for lust?

You must be joking.

 

[12345678]

amdgjmj:

I was just wondering the same thing! Is a wife wearing sexy lingerie for her husband a near occasion, if not an occasion, for lust?

I had the same question when preparing for marriage. I asked a good priest I trusted and he said to be careful, it could happen. It depends on a lot of factors (the clothes themselves, the disposition of the people involved etc.). I can tell you right now people will disagree, but this is what the priest said. Basically, he told me to use judgement ( dress more like a loving attractive wife than a porn star).
And just in case anyone wants to say this, certain clothes *can * cause more lust than nudity.

Like Christopher West said: “But truly “good” sex has nothing *essential * to do with these things.” (Talking about “Candlelight, making a nice atmosphere, wearing an attractive nightgown,” etc…)

 

[frogman80]

amdgjmj:

I was just wondering the same thing! Is a wife wearing sexy lingerie for her husband a near occasion, if not an occasion, for lust?

No no no!!!

Please people try to understand lust in its proper context. OUTSIDE of marriage, lust is very easy to fall into… looking lustfully at people… thinking lustful thoughts about people. This is wrong, mainly because you are not married to that person.

INSIDE of marriage, thinking about your spouse, or looking at your spouse is ok… it is not lustful. Hmmm… let’s think of an example of lust in marriage… um… Contraception would bring lust into a marriage because it is contrary to marital intercourse… it selfishly and forcefully reduces the marital act to lustful action.

Please read this definition here:
newadvent.org/cathen/09438a.htm

From the above link:

The wrongfulness of lust is reducible to this: that venereal satisfaction is sought for either outside wedlock or, at any rate, in a manner which is contrary to the laws that govern marital intercourse. Every such criminal indulgence is a mortal sin, provided of course, it be voluntary in itself and fully deliberate. This is the testimony of St. Paul in the Epistle to the Galatians, v. 19:

 

[12345678]

No no no!!!

Please people try to understand lust in its proper context. OUTSIDE of marriage, lust is very easy to fall into… looking lustfully at people… thinking lustful thoughts about people. This is wrong, mainly because you are not married to that person.

INSIDE of marriage, thinking about your spouse, or looking at your spouse is ok… it is not lustful. Hmmm… let’s think of an example of lust in marriage… um… Contraception would bring lust into a marriage because it is contrary to marital intercourse… it selfishly and forcefully reduces the marital act to lustful action.

Please read this definition here:
newadvent.org/cathen/09438a.htm

From the above link:

Hey, inside marriage, thanks to original sin, lust can happen quite easily too (obviously outside marriage any act that is only for marriage is disordered automatically). Us married people have to be on guard against it too. It can happen not only through activities that are in themselves sinful, but it could happen even in actions that are proper to marriage, especially if the people involved do not understand “God’s plan for our sexuality”.

Christopher West said:
“I don’t hold myself out as one who loves his wife perfectly in this regard…The human heart is a battlefield between love and lust. While the battle lessens the more we mature in the truth of God’s plan for our sexuality, it never ceases entirely in this life.”

 

[vluvski]

Sexy lingerie is not a problem in and of itself. The bigger concern is how the couple views their sexual relationship. I might even go so far as to say that the husband buying sexy lingerie for his wife could be good and holy, in that it would show the wife that the husband still thinks she is the most attractive woman he has ever seen, and it might give the wife a stronger drive to satisfy her husband.

IMO, lust happens even in marriage whenever one spouse objectifies the other, and uses him or her for gratification rather than giving him or herself in the marital act as a gift.

On the other hand, I believe it is detrimental to a marriage and the bond that sex creates within marriage to be constantly paranoid that you are being lustful toward your husband or wife.

Approach your husband or wife with love and respect, and show love in non-sexual ways as well, and you should be OK.

 

[TarAshly]

no its not morally illict or anything. I appreciate it when my husband does this for special occasions or just because. Because he breaks into hives if i even near the lingerie section in a store. it embarrasses him, so i know he went through a lot to make me feel special and sexy. and hey just cause we’re wives doesnt mean we have to be old frumps and sleep in potato sacks. Wives are sexy too!

 

[12345678]

And answering the original thread, I think it can be perfectly fine. It basically depends on the couple, the reasons why the husband is buying it etc.

If a husband buys it for his own pleasure, that’s one thing, but if he buys it because he thinks his wife would like it and he buys it to show his wife that he thinks she is beautiful etc etc and thinks it will make her feel pretty or appreciated then that is a whole different story. I agree with the poster that said it depends on how the couple views their sexual relationship.

If the couple has had arguments because she feel objectified, or that he insists too much on her dressing sexy etc etc, then it may not be something that would flatter her, but make her feel worse. The man knows himself and his wife and should evaluate what his motives and expectations are.

In conclusion, in marriage, love for the other comes first. If this gift mainly supports that love for the other, then go for it. If it supports the self seeking pleasure more than anything, then don’t.

 

[frogman80]

12345678:

Hey, inside marriage lust can happen easily too (obviously outside marriage any act that is only for marriage is disordered automatically) but don’t paint it so foreign to marriage. It can happen not only through activities that are in themselves sinful, but it could happen even in actions that are proper to marriage.

Christopher West said:
“I don’t hold myself out as one who loves his wife perfectly in this regard…The human heart is a battlefield between love and lust. While the battle lessens the more we mature in the truth of God’s plan for our sexuality, it never ceases entirely in this life.”

Sorry… didn’t mean to mis-paint

Let us try this from our Catechism:

2351 Lust is disordered desire for or inordinate enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.

Lust can exist within marriage. (There is my touch up coat!) But I just want to make sure that those with scruples do not misunderstand… pleasure is not lust. Sexual pleasure is not lust. Attraction is not lust… sexual attraction is not lust. Passion is not lust. A LOVING husband and wife who LOVE one another would have a difficult time lustfully having sex… when disordered passions and selfishness start to enter is when lust can become a problem.

2362 “The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude.”[144] Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure:
The Creator himself established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. **Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. ** They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation.[145]

 

[frogman80]

vluvski:

…IMO, lust happens even in marriage whenever one spouse objectifies the other, and uses him or her for gratification rather than giving him or herself in the marital act as a gift.

On the other hand, I believe it is detrimental to a marriage and the bond that sex creates within marriage to be constantly paranoid that you are being lustful toward your husband or wife.

Approach your husband or wife with love and respect, and show love in non-sexual ways as well, and you should be OK.

Well said…

 

[Cupofkindness]

I’m with TarAshley. Any man that’s willing to navigate through the endless racks and displays of underwear present in a lingerie department to find a few special things for his wife is indeed performing an act of love for his wife and his marriage. He just needs to chose garments that will fit properly and will make her feel lovely. Since that can’t be a bad thing for a marriage, I can’t see why it would be a sin in most marriages.

 

[contemplative]

CuriousInIL:

Two questions:
Is there any moral issue with this?

No

Do you appreciate it when he does this or would you so prefer something else that it really doesn’t seem like a gift for you?

This a very personal question. Throughout the many years I have been married I have learned to immediately squelch that which I don’t care for.
If a wife does not want to receive such intimate items from her husband then she could use a couple of different tactics…

balk loudly
or
simply** never** where the item you were gifted with

 

[12345678]

frogman80:

Sorry… didn’t mean to mis-paint

Let us try this from our Catechism:

Lust can exist within marriage. (There is my touch up coat!) But I just want to make sure that those with scruples do not misunderstand… pleasure is not lust. Sexual pleasure is not lust. Attraction is not lust… sexual attraction is not lust. Passion is not lust. A LOVING husband and wife who LOVE one another would have a difficult time lustfully having sex… when disordered passions and selfishness start to enter is when lust can become a problem.

Ok nice color

BTW, even in the marital act (which is procreative and should be unitive) lust can be present (it can be disordered).

Also, I am glad you posted the quote from the Catechism showing that pleasure in marriage is good. That is important to keep in mind in all of this.

I do agree with the poster that says to not be paranoid about it, but I must add we have to be aware that it can happen to make sure we avoid it. By our nature it can happen, but if we work on putting our spouse first and loving them with our whole self we should be just fine. I just did not want people to think that as long as they are married and not participating in illicit forms of sex that they won’t lust (I’ve seen posts on here that suggest that). I mean, even Christopher West who knows a lot about this area of our Faith accepts that this is not easy, but like the quote I included says, “the battle lessens the more we mature in the truth of God’s plan for our sexuality”. We just need to put effort into avoiding it, so we cannot totally ignore that we can fall into lust.

 

[the-3rd-parent]

As a single unmarried woman, I would not be comfortable with my husband buying “nice” underwear for me as that probably also means uncomfortable. Its also the sort of gift that would be embarrassing to open in front of other people.

I however see nothing wrong with dressing nice for your husband, but I pick my own cloths.

 

[vluvski]

the-3rd-parent:

Its also the sort of gift that would be embarrassing to open in front of other people.

Yes, giving that sort of gift in front of anyone else, even when mutually agreeable, is tacky at best.

As a bride to be, my bridesmaids have expressed interest in throwing me a bachelorette/lingerie party. Think I should give them some guidance as to what I am willing to wear, or just see how carried away they get for kicks?

 

[TarAshly]

you should let them know what you would want to wear for your new hubby. I had one of those. well actually both of those and trust me some of the stuff i got stays buried at the back of the drawer in underwear oblivion. I’d return it but i would be to embarrased for anyone to know i had it in the first place! theres always gonna be some kicks and tricks at lingerie showers, best just to offer some guidence and keep a sense of humor. I told my bridesmaids to tell everyone to bring a bag containing what they would sleep in. My best friend brought an empty bag. IT WAS HILARIOUS! congrats on your upcoming nuptuals! It will be a year for me and IInsureU (aka DH Erich) on Dec. 11. Marriage is such a blessing…most of the time