Unexpected #5 & unsupportive spouse

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Miamijaydoc

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So, I secretly write this from my smartphone. Though I am the convert(2010) and my husband’s the Cradle Catholic, it’s me who has supported the practice of NFP. I’m an MD. My husband is a finance exec. We had both originally hoped on 4 children, but he was “done” after 3. I was a “crazy convert” by then though. #4 was conceived on an unusually early ovulation(I’m typically a 33day cycle). She has ended up being a total light in our lives. My husband refused NFP(condoms) for a long time after her. We have been back to NFP for ~9 months. I had a strong impression of having another baby when visiting a Eucharistic adoration chapel which freaked me out(our lives are insane). Then, amidst a move and us both starting new jobs, that sneaky day 8 ovulation happened again(you would think I would have learned, but I honestly have a very regular cycle and these were three years apart-the early ovulations).
So, we just bought a house, I’m still unpacking, three kids have just started a new school, I start my new job In less than a month… I know my husband will go absolutely ape-s— crazy. I’m currently trying to hide things(procrastination and avoidance at it’s best!). Neither his mothher or my parents support me in the practice of NFP. This is going to be VERY tough. Plus, I’m a surgeon & my new partners will flip-out as well. I know this is in the Lord’s hands and I’ve been praying for the HS to work some magic in my husband, but I am scared to death. I would greatly appreciate any advice and prayers. My 40th bday is this fall. We have a 10yo, 8yo, 5yo and 2.5yo. Thank you in advance. Xoxo
 
Congratulations.

Please don’t presume the worst possible reaction from your husband. He may surprise you. But I guess you should be prepared for a bad reaction (and a return to him using condoms).

Don’t worry what anyone else thinks - colleagues, extanded family. This is between you and your husband and your other children. Perhaps the excitement of your other children (if they get excited; they usually do) will help everyong put this all into perspective.
 
Miamijaydoc

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I do want to congratulate you on your newest little blessing!!! I will pray for you; I know it is tough when everyone around you does not welcome a new little one as they should. When I am faced with comments etc due to a new pregnancy, I try to remind myself that the only reason someone would act that way is because they really don’t understand how much of a blessing a baby is, and so it may not really be their fault… I will pray the HS softens your husband’s heart with this newest little blessing.

God bless you and your family!
 
Congratulations and God bless you, your husband and your family! Every child is a blessing. After the shock of the first one, two, three, four, or more are easy. We have five kids plus one late term miscarriage that broke my heart. My Catholic parents were NOT supportive or encouraging after the third. They are the light of my life and my place in the world. The youngest is now 13 and the others are 17, 20, 22, and 24. A daughter (the eldest) and four boys. Let people squawk. This is a gift from God.
 
Miamijaydoc said:
So, I secretly write this from my smartphone. Though I am the convert(2010) and my husband’s the Cradle Catholic, it’s me who has supported the practice of NFP. I’m an MD. My husband is a finance exec. We had both originally hoped on 4 children, but he was “done” after 3. I was a “crazy convert” by then though. #4 was conceived on an unusually early ovulation(I’m typically a 33day cycle). She has ended up being a total light in our lives. My husband refused NFP(condoms) for a long time after her. We have been back to NFP for ~9 months. I had a strong impression of having another baby when visiting a Eucharistic adoration chapel which freaked me out(our lives are insane). Then, amidst a move and us both starting new jobs, that sneaky day 8 ovulation happened again(you would think I would have learned, but I honestly have a very regular cycle and these were three years apart-the early ovulations).
So, we just bought a house, I’m still unpacking, three kids have just started a new school, I start my new job In less than a month… I know my husband will go absolutely ape-s— crazy. I’m currently trying to hide things(procrastination and avoidance at it’s best!). Neither his mothher or my parents support me in the practice of NFP. This is going to be VERY tough. Plus, I’m a surgeon & my new partners will flip-out as well. I know this is in the Lord’s hands and I’ve been praying for the HS to work some magic in my husband, but I am scared to death. I would greatly appreciate any advice and prayers. My 40th bday is this fall. We have a 10yo, 8yo, 5yo and 2.5yo. Thank you in advance. Xoxo
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First of all, I’ve said a prayer for you.

Secondly, congratulations!

Thirdly, when you speak to your DH I suggest you supply him with failure rates for the common types of contraception as compared to your method of NFP. This sort of thing does not happen only to people on NFP.

Fourthly, why on earth do your mother-in-law or your parents know anything about your sex life, and why would they consider it their business? If they don’t know what goes on behind bedroom doors, they can’t cast it back in your face. 😉 I suggest any rude remarks about #5 be met with a cool, “I’m sorry you feel that way about our baby. Perhaps you’ll change your mind when he or she arrives.” (If you’re like me, and depending on their level of rudeness, substituting “But since you do feel that way, I’ll be sure not to bother you with your grandchildren from now on” might be an option. 😉 But then, I can be nasty when I’m hormonal and someone being unkind about my kid would make me that much nastier." )

On a slight tangent from #4, and not at all to be morbid…but is there any reason you must tell your coworkers and in-laws immediately? Let me be blunt: sadly, at 39, there’s a 20-35% chance that this pregnancy could end in miscarriage. Would it be feasible to put off telling anyone besides your DH until you’re 15-20 weeks along? DH and I didn’t announce our DD’s pregnancy until I was 13-14 weeks along anyway, even though I’m in my mid-20s; if I did have a miscarriage, I could have dealt with it a lot more easily if I didn’t have to deal with his coworkers asking about it every time I turned around. A lot of people don’t announce until the first trimester is over, anyway. If you wait until 20 weeks, that still gives your coworkers several months to finagle a schedule or substitution for you for the couple of months you’d take off for maternity leave, plus when telling your parents and in-laws you’ll be able to announce a specific gender; this might make it more “real” to them, and they may be more accepting.

Fifthly, regarding NFP: might I suggest in the future that you consider using ovulation predictor kits on a daily basis starting early in your cycle–assuming, of course, that you intend to avoid again? I know that these early ovulations are very rare for you, but the OPKs are pretty cheap, and might help catch them early. Depending on your habits, a CD8 ovulation could show up as a faint positive by CD5 or so; not sure if you do ahem anything while you’re on your period, but this might give you at least a little advanced warning.

Last point: again, I’m going to be blunt. You’re a surgeon. Your husband is a “financial executive.” Between you, you’re probably pulling in around a half-million dollars per year at least. Would one baby’s diaper/formula/nanny-or-daycare costs really cause you total ruin? If your predictions about his reactions are true, it sounds like he’s seriously overreacting.

God bless and keep you. You will be okay.
 
My Catholic neighbors, in their 80’s, had 8 children and enjoyed the grandchildren and great grandchildren. I used to enjoy going there at lunch time when both of them sat at the table and the phone always rang when I was there, there was always someone coming by, someone bringing ‘extra’ food for their supper, someone cutting the grass, shovelling the snow. I found that the kitchen table always (I mean always) had an arrangement of flowers. There were always birthday parties where someone came to pick them up, drive them to appointments, drive them for groceries, etc. When the husband got cancer he stayed at home right to the end and died in his own bed with lots of people around saying the rosary. That’s a gift many never have and it was made possible by loving family members.

In contrast, my dad, (who died on this day 7 years ago by the way, may he rest in the mercy of God) had just me at his bedside. My brother who lives in the same city was too busy. We did not grow up with the sacraments in the Church. My heart ached that my brother who had his reasons I suppose, wouldn’t couldn’t spend an hour. Reminded me of Jesus in the Agony in the Garden. Very different from my 80 year old neighbors.

Time has a way of marching on and when a person turns 80 they often say that the years flew by. There are going to be very many people spending their later years alone. You and your husband won’t be one of those. God bless you and Congrats! You are a light to the world.
 
Wow! This seems like a great opportunity to put **all **your trust in the Providence of God.

Padre Pio always simply said:

***Pray, Hope, and Don’t Worry!
Your husband will get over it in time and come to be deeply in love with this new addition to your family.

You are bringing with God a new person into being in the Universe that will exist for all eternity. What can you compare that to?
 
Thank you, everyone. Without going into a ton of detail, we have had some VERY hard years. I accepted a job 2yrs ago that sounded great. Sold my solo practice and moved the family there. We totally felt God calling is and there were many signs. But the job ended up being a disaster, and that’s putting it mildly. I’m at peace knowing that I met wonderful people and friends and that God had his reasons. (Solo practice is a dying breed; I wasn’t taking a paycheck home for the last year-paid overhead, staff, etc). Then this job died on ~1 yr. My marriage was at rock bottom, but we are better. My husband was also taking his company through bankruptcy proceedings through all of this. Trust me, we are quite familiar with trials. I do my best daily to trust in God and not feel like a Job(friends and family even bring that comparison up). “Do you guys never get a break?”
The kids are wonderful but very high maintenance. The elder three all have ADHD. The oldest is brilliant(2 grades ahead) but has major emotional issues and anxieties. We are paying a lot of $ for him to go to a supportive school. That’s the brief, brief version.
We moved into our home here and in the first 6 days things started falling apart(toilet leaks resulting in a ceiling caving in, basement leak, cat urine-stained carpet everywhere…there’s more). So, you can see, the perspective from which my finance husband will greet the news of another child. He’s very short-tempered as well(another bonus). His mother even suggested he seek anger management counseling last time she visited.😁
I’m at peace with God and his plans. I just know that our marriage will really be rocked because I can forsee his reaction. It will not be pretty. God has his ways; I trust in that. I’m just hoping that the HS can smooth over my husband’s reaction and warm his heart. (Oh, and we’ve never told anyone pregnancy news until week 15. My first was in residency. I was their first married female. I didn’t “admit” to pregnancy until month 6. It was the awkward elephant in the room, but there was one resident in particular who would be a complete --s about it. I figured I could only take three months of his remarks.).
Thanks again everyone. Prayers can work miracles-even in "impossibly short-tempered & short-sighted spouses!😉).
 
Maybe start with DH, “Honey, do you think we should get rid of #4 child?” or “Do you remember how you felt I told you I was pregnant with #4, compared to how you feel now about her?” This kind of strategy might work. 😃

I think we should always expect to have little crosses and bigger crosses in our daily lives…still trying to accept my own as best I can, however. 🙂

This life is passing. But your little souls that you tend will never pass away.
 
First I would like to say Congratulations! Try to focus on the joy of another baby and just ignore your husband. What else is there to do but say, honey if you want to dance then you have to pay the piper! I hope he gets with the program and lets you enjoy this pregnancy and your new baby.👍
 
white_sheep said:
Hire a servant or two.
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Just to clarify, I don’t intend this as a snarky comment, but a serious suggestion. The employ of domestic servants, or housekeepers and nannies in today’s terms, was common in the past for the more successful, which you seem to be. It can help alleviate many of the specific burdens you deal with including juggling everything and having an irregular schedule. Even if for only a few years.

Most of the people I know who follow Church teaching on contraception do not have the idea well received by family or friends. All I know to tell them is that you’re Catholic and follow Church teaching on the matter. They won’t ever come around to your way of thinking, the best you can hope for is that they realize the matter is settled and that you don’t want to hear what they think about it.
 
Sounds like you and your honey need a weekend away to unwind and relax before dropping this bomb on him. Is there any way to make that happen?

Hire a babysitter for the weekend or divvy out kids to friends for the weekend, get away, enjoy each other, focus on each other and TALK. Get your husband to open up about why he’s so angry. Likely, it is the stress of everyday. My husband battles that, too, in his high pressure job (and he’s his own boss, which makes it even worse if your prone to a Type A personality).

Again, unwind, relax, and talk about what you both need to let go of, expectation wise, to create more calm in each other’s lives and how to make your home a sanctuary and safe-haven for yourselves and your kids. Get him to talking about what he loves about each of his children. I think once you do that and he softens and realizes that children are truly a blessing, then you might sneak in the hint of the baby. But, absolutely don’t do it in the middle of a tense situation as you describe. Create some calm first.

Also, do consider some domestic help. I know it can be expensive, but just having a clean house every couple of weeks does wonders 😃 My husband finally let me get someone a couple of months ago and she is such a blessing!
 
Congratulations! A new baby to hug and kiss and cuddle will eventually be at the forefront of everyone’s minds, rather than the “inconvenience”.
I do want to encourage you to hire help if at all possible. As a young mother of four stairsteps, I had to do something. Over my husband’s objections, I hired our first housekeeper. It was wonderful, and we both quickly realized the benefits. We had one nanny/housekeeper for eight years in Texas (we’re a military family) that we are still close to!
Someone mentioned an 80-year-old couple in this thread. Well, I’m only 50, and our house is constantly busy! Grandchildren coming over, children calling, sleepovers, family dinners…it’s a dream come true for me.
I would keep the news to myself from anyone who won’t be delighted. Your husband will be upset but I feel certain he will love this new little one as much as any of them…in fact, being the baby, 'nuff said.
I will pray for you!
 
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