Ungrateful adult children

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frustratedmom

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Why are adult children so ungrateful when you attempt to help them out? My daughter, age 21, did a favor by driving a friend back home to Ft Myers (we live in Ft. Lauderdale) and when she arrived over there, her car, which has been having problems, broke down and was unable to be driven home. This happened at 1 am this morning. I started driving over there to rescue her and her boyfriend who was with her, but was unable to get there because the major road was closed due to an earlier fire.
While I was attempting to drive over there, I received a call from her stating that the police told them that the car must be moved immediately as they were stopped in a turn lane. I tried to explain to the police that I had to be with the car in order to use AAA for towing and that I would be at least 2 hours in arriving. The policeman advised me that the reason he stopped was because he saw two people laying in the grass near the car and thought that they were injured. Instead of staying in the car and waiting for help, these two were laying in the grass.
A towing company was called by the police and the car was towed to a lot. My daughter and her boyfriend ended up staying the night with the friend that they drove home in the first place.
I told my daughter to call me as soon as she woke up in the morning and we would decide what to do.
She was supposed to be at work the next morning at 9:30 and I advised her to call them early and explain the situation.
She never called me, I ended up calling her at 9:15.
She was told by the towing company that it would cost at least $500 to tow the car home.
I told her that I would call UHaul to find a truck to rent and a tow dolly for the car, it would be cheaper that way.
In the meantime, the boyfriends mom took the extra long way to Ft.Myers, avoiding the highway closure due to fire and arrived within the hour.
I should mention I have two younger children at home (6 & 11) who had school and whom I woke up and dropped off at a family members home the night before at 1 am.
Anyway, since the boyfriends mom was there, I knew that she would be able to handle the situation and waited here for them.
They finally arrived home (at the boyfriends house) around 6pm.
My daughter sent me a text message asking me "Should I take the car to my house (she lives in a duplex) or should I bring the car to your house (where I live with my two youngest children). Logically, I told her to bring the car to her house.
She called when they arrived back and said, very bitterly “I’m just going to leave the car here at Chris’ house (boyfriend) since you don’t want the car at your house!”
I told her “I never said that. You asked me if the car should be brought to your house or my house and I simply said your house. I never said that it couldn’t be brought to my house, you asked a question and I answered it”.
She fought with me over that issue for a few minutes and was very angry at me.
I told her I didn’t understand why she was angry with me, I’ve been trying to help in any way I can.
She was over the night before, doing laundry and had brought her two dogs over with her. When the road trip request came up, she left her laundry and the dogs here with me and ran off to help the boyfriends friend get back to Ft. Myers knowing that her car was not running right and had broken down within the last week.
I’ve offered to pay for the cost of bringing back the car, the cost of having a mechanic look at the car to see if it’s repairable (most likely a costly transmission repair), but I told her I would not, could not afford to fix a transmission ($4000 - $6000 repair).
She said that she would probably end up selling the car and didn’t want me to get mad at her for having the car at my house.
I NEVER said anything of the sort. I actually told her that I wasn’t mad at her, I was upset because the car had broken down again.
I specifically told her to be careful and that I love her.
Now today, instead of appreciation for staying up until 2am trying to get to her, for offering to pay for costs (which she cannot do as she has no money saved up), for trying to help, I get a nasty attitude like I have done something wrong.
When she finally called me back, she said she had decided to leave the car at her boyfriends house because if she brought the car to my house the car would be in the grass and if the mechanic needed to look under the car, the ground wouldn’t hold the weight of the car/jack. Then she said “Just leave the dogs in the yard and I’ll walk around back to get them and my laundry.”
What is going on???
When did I become the bad guy in all this?
Now she doesn’t even want to look at me or come in my house?
Please tell me where I did something wrong here.
:confused:
 
I suspect that she may actually be feeling guilty for making a not-so-wise decision to drive an ‘iffy’ car on an out-of-town trip at night. I think that she may be snapping at you to try & cover up her guilt, because she feels ashamed and doesn’t want to humble herself to say “Wow, Mom, I guess that wasn’t such a smart thing to do. I’m really sorry for causing you all this worry and expense.” I bet she feels that way inside, but at that age kids can be so ‘prickly’ about admitting that they’ve done something foolish. This is just my guess about what’s going on in her head. 🙂

In any case, I’m sorry that she hasn’t shown more gratitude to you. :hug1:
 
I feel for you! I have 4 kids of my own, 3 girls and 1 boy. I never know from one day to the next if im the good guy or the bad guy. Keep doing as you are and she will come to you soon and maake things right as you have done nothing wrong and she knows this. My oldest gets crossed at me from time to time but in the end all is good. to answer your question, you have not done anything but what you should have.
 
Print your story out and keep it for when she has teenagers and is complaining. Then just give it to her without a word.

It goes with the age. She isn’t an adult yet really. She’s barely out of her teens and hasn’t learned to maintain a car.

I’d suggest that instead of paying for the repairs and towing, inform her that if she’s going to treat you like the bad guy, you can be the bad guy for free and she can pay for her own repairs and towing. Or reimburse you from the sale of the car.

Tell her if she ever wants you to come get her at 2:00 am again she better treat you better or you will let the phone ring.

Seriously, I have daughters that behave this horribly and after a while you can’t indulge it. You have two younger children you need to concentrate on.

No more dog sitting and free laundry if she can’t treat you with some love and respect. I don’t care how ashamed she was or embarrassed. Her feelings don’t give her an excuse to hurt yours.
 
As an older mother, I have experienced what you are going through, and now I see my grandchildren treating their parents just horribly. The thing you are not seing is the 6 & 11 year olds are taking all of this in. They are learning how to be a teenager & young adult by watching their sister!! They are learning what buttons to push and how to get their way. You can’t be walked on unless you first lie down. Be assertive within reason, let her know you love her, and let her stew for awhile…she will be back!!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Seriously, I have daughters that behave this horribly and after a while you can’t indulge it. You have two younger children you need to concentrate on.
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Hahaha, thank goodness I’m the only child! :rotfl:
sistermouse said:
As an older mother, I have experienced what you are going through, and now I see my grandchildren treating their parents just horribly. The thing you are not seing is the 6 & 11 year olds are taking all of this in. They are learning how to be a teenager & young adult by watching their sister!! They are learning what buttons to push and how to get their way. You can’t be walked on unless you first lie down. Be assertive within reason, let her know you love her, and let her stew for awhile…she will be back!!
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Yeah, I’ve seen younger female siblings from other families start to rebel and get their way when they have seen the parents succumbing to the oldest sibling’s whims, especially when it comes to romantic relationships/sex. It gets to be a real pain for the parents who can’t control their children anymore.
 
I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. From my own experience, when I was 21 and living away at college I let the Chevy Silverado that my dad bought for me go a LONG time without an oil change. I was driving home one weekend when it threw a rod. Dad drove an hour and half to pick me up, and proceeded to have the truck towed and shelled out more than $3k for repairs. Did I show him an ounce of gratitude? Nope. Why? Well, for a lot of reasons - I was embarrassed that the truck was ruined because of my own negligence and didn’t know how to admit that I’d made a costly mistake. I felt guily that he had to spend so much money on me. And I was annoyed with myself for not being able to handle the problem on my own. It wasn’t until two years later when I finally finished paying him back for the repairs that I actually found it in myself to express how grateful I really was, not only for the help with the truck but for everything he’d done to get me through college, etc.

I think this is a normal phase for young adults, and your daughter will outgrow it and ultimately realize how much gratitude you are due. In the meantime though, don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself and point out to her that she is an adult and you are by no means obligated to help her out.
 
–Them getting out of the car to wait. My parents, my trucker friend, my youth group ministers, driver training and even poliece have told me to NEVER wait in the car when the car is not fully pulled over…or when its pulled over on the highway. You just don’t know what could come careening behind you carelessly and either kill you themselves or thrust you into traffic, killing many.

–She seemes trapped between letting you help and letting bf’s mom help. A very awkward situation, indeed. Especally, when she was vaguely coming. I hate to call people and tell them that I still know nothing.

–Being misunderstood. I don’t know how your relationship with your daughter is but she had a VERY rough day. I understand you were awakened at all hours and as a parent you worry but she was the one with the broken car, outside, after trying to do something nice.

Maybe she wasn’t ready to talk to you. She wasn’t ready to hear, or be reminded, after a very bad night she’d need to spend 6k on her car…probably more than the car is worth. At nearly 25, with a full-time job and a bit of money in the bank I’d be devistated, irratated, and lost if someone told me I needed to put three times the money I have into my car. I can’t imagine that i’d be any better to be 21 and in that situation.
 
There is more to this story than what you are posting. You may not even know what it is. But something else is going either with your daughter or with the relationship between you and your daughter that made this incident escalate into what it did.
 
Wow, you sure are persistant! I admit that I didn’t have the best family life growing up, but I would never have expected my mom to go out of her way in the way you described like you did for her. And she’s 21? I wouldn’t have expected that at 17 (I’m only 22)!

Perhaps you should take a step back and let your daughter have her fit. Sometimes a dose of reality helps people grow up. At 21 she should be old enough to call for a tow truck, talk to a concerned policeman, and take care of her car by herself without expecting anything from you OR from causing you to feel obligated to leave your young ones behind to drive around detours and ‘rescue’ her. That was a strange word - rescue. If she was laying in the grass, it doesn’t seem like she was too concerned about her situation. Maybe she didn’t need to be rescued? I say let her sort this mess out. It sounds like you enabled her and she used you. Now you feel like the victim and I bet if you were to talk to her she’d feel like the victim too. She needs to grow up and you need to take a step back. You can’t help an adult who doesn’t want help, give your daughter some space to help herself.

–
 
You’re not alone!

I have three grown children. Two of the three are very grateful. The youngest, age 23, is one of the most ungrateful and moody human beings I have ever encountered, but she’s about to graduate college and will be moving out shortly. (I can’t wait!)

I would have kicked her out of the house years ago, but my wife asked me to hold off until she graduates.

The best thing you can do is let them deal with the consequences for their own stupidity.
👍
 
Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement, I know this phase will pass and my daughter and I will be the best of friends again soon.

We have always, always had a great relationship but sometimes I feel I do enable her too much but she is my daughter and it’s my job as a parent to look out for her. I’ll still be doing it when she’s 50.

I know she needs to stand on her own two feet, and believe me, she is doing a great job of it so far, but when unexpected expenses hit you (like a major car repair) it doesn’t make life any easier. Yes, she could have avoided all this had she made a better decision in driving to the other coast, all I can take from this is that it gave her another one of life’s “not too nice” experiences which I hope she will carry with her.

Thanks again to all of you for your insight, thoughts and encouragement.:)🙂
 
My only daughter is 40 yrs. old I have always helped her financially. Bought an apartment, cars, clothes, everything. She has been responsible with jobs but usually gets layoff and salaries reduced. She has a problem functioning. We never had a good relationship. She always seemed to resent me. She finally got married at 38 to a man 36. Now both 38/40. Her husband never appreciates anything I do for them. He calls me “she”. He claims that I break his privacy. He lives in the apartment that I paid and drives the car that I paid. He has job but does not make enough money to support his wife and baby. I buy just about everything for the baby starting from diapers to food. I even clean their home and cook for them. He still resents it and never has said thank you. She never says thank you either, except in very rare occasions. It is obvious that they want me out of their life. I am stepping out as much as I can finally. But eventually they will need financial help or care for the baby. I try to be a good mother, mother in law, and a great grandmother. Baby, one year old, loves me! We have a lot of gun together.
They never remembers by birthday or mother’s day. She never calls me to chat or even a walk. I live one block away. She always accuses me that I am angry if I say anything. If I ever mention that both should be grateful she is rude to me y lately I opt for leaving. she has asked me to leave her apartment many times and more lately and when she gets angry says that she does not need anything from me. She always blames for anything that goes wrong in her life. Including the fact that she does not cook because I confused her with the groceries that I buy for her.
My plan is to keep my distance from both of them and probably they are right that I have intervene too much into their privacy like updating they apartment by myself and fixing their air conditioning and repairing anything that goes wrong including light bulbs. Due to my daughter situation I tried to compensate so that they will not get stress with money and thinking that it would be nice to find dinner on the table after work. Since the baby was born, I have spent everyday from 10:00 to 5:45 pm helping the baby except evenings and weekends because of his “privacy” . I used to invite them to dinner in my home once a week that they seemed annoyed and her husband never say thank you but ate everything.
today I called her to see if I could take the baby to the park that she told me it was not necessary, that she will do it. I am not bore with my life. I am a very busy person. I go to the gym, play bridge, play golf and take care of all the financials paper work at home.
I am in pain, hurt and angry. I miss my granddaughter. They have hurt me so much that I am willing to live without the warm and closeness of my granddaughter.
TereTere
 
how old is she
at what age would you consider having her deal with her own problems esp. when they are long distance, and when she is with another competent adult?

advice from one who has been down this block before: if you want to discuss the incident with the car, keep the conversation focused on that situation. that is not the time to unload on her about all your other (justifiable) grievances. The time to deal with an issue is when it happens. Your daughter cannot continue to take advantage of you unless you enable her to do that.
 
TereTere, it sounds like you need to stop doing all that you are doing. If you are always there to do everything for a child, then they tend to have little motivation to do things for themselves. It sounds like that is what happened for your daughter.

Don’t pay, don’t cook, don’t clean, and don’t complain or attempt to make them feel guilty.

Remember you are her mother, not her savior. She needs to find her own solutions to her problems.
 
dulcissima said:
TereTere, it sounds like you need to stop doing all that you are doing. If you are always there to do everything for a child, then they tend to have little motivation to do things for themselves. It sounds like that is what happened for your daughter.

Don’t pay, don’t cook, don’t clean, and don’t complain or attempt to make them feel guilty.

Remember you are her mother, not her savior. She needs to find her own solutions to her problems.
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By posting this here, and not offering support or advice to the OP, shes intentionally hijacking the thread. Its very rude and does nothing to help. Don’t feed the trolls.
 
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