Unhappy Marriage

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nniels

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My wife and I have been married now for almost 25 years (May). We have 6 children. We just adopted a 5-year old boy from Guatemala 6 months ago. Up until yesterday I traveled about 70% of the time in a typical week, clearly I needed to stop it. This past week my wife told me to stop or get out, she is very sad/hurt/empty and lonely. I am very sorry. I will take immediate action and cut out travel, although based on what she has said over this past week, not sure if she could every love me again. I was traveling this past week when it hit, very sad-long nights in the hotel alone. I am very sad, heartbroken and will try to change. I love my wife deeply and don’t want to hurt her anymore or loose her. Last night we talked at home, I apologized and am asking for a 2nd chance to work out our marriage issues.

I asked her if she likes being with me, A? “I don’t know”. I asked her if she love me, A? " I don’t know". She is not talking and I feel like I am now smoothering her trying to understand.

I view myself as a good husband (completely faithful), good person, hardworking provider, but I am never around to help her.

What steps would you recommend that I take, marriage counseling through our Parish, other thoughts?
 
Perhaps she is suffering from depression. Have her see a doctor. My wife has gone through similar situations mood wise, and is on medication that really helps.

Have the two of you prayed together?
 
How long have you had this pattern of traveling 70% of the time? Is that much travel absolutely necessary to maintain your job or is this self imposed (sales)? Just so I understand this; you’re there 30% of the time to help raise (6) kids and one adopted child? It sounds like your wife has been one busy lady while you were away. Kids need a father as much as a wife needs a husband hence the salient feature of a two parent household. I’m not judging, only pointing out that your wife may not be the only wounded party here.
As for counseling, that is ‘hit or miss’ at best IMHO. You need to get your wife away from her daily environment/responsibilities so you two can talk through this.
Cute story: I have a friend who was a Service Manager which kept him busy on the road a majority of the time, just like you. I remember him telling his wife (talking on a speaker phone) how the project was a mess and that the customer required that he work the weekend. There was a pause and then a petite but stern voice responded, “well, there’s going to be a whole lot of love making going on this weekend and you better get home if you want to get in on it.” I’ll never forget that exchange between a couple that were probably the same age as you folks. He didn’t stay the weekend! I remember him being in the office that following Monday asking management to reassign him to a position that didn’t require travel.
Commit yourself to working things out and let the healing begin.
God Bless.
 
The early years of my marriage my husband was forced to travel or lose his job. I was young and had three little children at home. Needless to say when my husband came home it was not to loving arms. More of the hostile jealous wife and mother.

It took many years to overcome this awful behavior as a wife and a whole lot of prayer to get my husbands position changed. But in changing this life style of a lot of money. We had to give up a whole lot.
Property, fancy vacations etc. We had both decided it was what was best to raise our children.
Your wife needs a whole lot of TLC!
Pray together to find a job in your area that does not require travel. Six children are a whole lot of children to raise alone.
 
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Chris7:
Kids need a father as much as a wife needs a husband hence the salient feature of a two parent household. I’m not judging, only pointing out that your wife may not be the only wounded party here.
Commit yourself to working things out and let the healing begin.
God Bless.
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😃 Great points.
 
GO HERE

divorcebusting.com/index.shtml

retrouvaille is great too…but you have to scheduele the weekend which could be a while…Divorce Busting, in the meantime…is a good place to start immediately.

God Bless…good luck
 
We went through a 3 yr period of time where my husband commuted every week and was *only *home on the weekends. We eventually concluded it was no way to live our life and raise our 3 kids and made some adjustments. But it was not an overnight revelation. We both knew what we getting into and worked hard to make the best of it. We regularly discussed and assessed how each of us was coping and when it started getting too difficult to maintain, we made a plan and a move within about 6 months.

The odd thing to me about your post is the sound of your wife snapping rather suddenly over a long-term situation in your lives. Had she communicated dissatisfaction to you at some previous time that was never addressed or resolved? Is this child you adopted presenting her with some unique challenges? Even if she “hit the wall” it doesn’t explain your angst about her feelings for you. A 25 year marriage simply doesn’t dissolve overnight. There’s part of the story that’s missing…
 
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nniels:
I asked her if she likes being with me, A? “I don’t know”. I asked her if she love me, A? " I don’t know". She is not talking and I feel like I am now smoothering her trying to understand.

I view myself as a good husband (completely faithful), good person, hardworking provider, but I am never around to help her.

What steps would you recommend that I take, marriage counseling through our Parish, other thoughts?
Click to expand...
Sounds like something that has been brewing for a long time. I think there are a number of things that you could do. Communication and perception are key. It’s all about meeting each other’s needs in the way that the other person needs them met.
  1. Go to a Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille retreat together, they are designed to help marriages.
  2. Get counseling from a Catholic counselor
  3. Get a couple of books on communication. Sounds like both of you have some communication issues. She seems to lack the ability to express her needs-- if you’ve been traveling all these years and she *just now * tells you it’s a problem, she clearly has communication issues. You might not realize that the things you are doing to communicate love are not the thing she needs you to do and vice versa.
Books I can recommend include:

For Better… Forever, by Greg Popcak (Catholic counselor)
The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs (forget the author)

All these books are very good and could help.

Don’t talk “separation” or “divorce” and try not to let her talk that way. Always talk “fixing the marriage”, “improving the marriage”, “repairing the marriage”.

Things didn’t break down over night and they won’t get fixed over night. Try to get her to see that and that you are committed to working it all out.
 
Your wife is probably feeling extremely overwhelmed.

She probably needs your time and energy to help at home. She probably has more responsibility than she can handle. But you already know that.

Let me caution you that it’s one thing to take some of the workload back. It’s another to take back the power abd the ‘freedom’ that your wife has had when you are not there.

I’m not sure what your travel schedule it like but if you’re frequently gone overnight then a couple of things have probably happened. You’ve left your wife to handle all the problems of dealing with the kids so she is exhausted. But you’ve also set her life up so that she’s not used to having to set aside time for you. When you are at home you may be more of an interference than you are a help.

It’s not going to be easy introducing yourself back into the lives of your wife and family but you need to do it. Your children will take a while to learn that they can turn to you as well as to your wife. But you should try to gradually take on some of the small daily tasks like reading bedtime stories or helping with homework. You won’t do things the way your wife does so understand it will take a while for your children and your wife to warm up to your style.

And make time for your wife. While I can’t speak for your wife, one of the most romantic things my husband could do for me when my children were little was to make arrangements for babysitting. (You don’t want her to associated spending time with you with the chore of finding a competent sitter.)

I think you have a whole lot of praying to do. You may very well need to attend a retrouvaille weekend or spend some time in counciling if there are other problems in the marriage. With six children you probably shouldn’t be quitting your job overnight but you can start making some first steps.
 
Definitely stop traveling and, perhaps, even take some time off the work on your marriage. I hope that you two can work this out. I feel sad for you.
 
Lift your marriage to the Lord in prayer first and foremost.
Then, start to pay attention to the little things you might do to make her day easier. (Trust me, she’ll appreciate even the smallest thing — e.g. thank her for dinner!) Do things without looking for a pat on the back…out of service to Christ as your role is to be the Spiritual leader in your family.

You might even ask her to pray with you over your troubles and then speak openly to God together about things. This is an incredibly powerful thing and your marriage will be blessed.

See a good Christian counselor alone and then together.

Check out this website for humor and bringing joy back into your relationship:

laughyourway.org

God Bless You!
D.
 
Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers as I put out my initial message. God bless all of you for taking the time!

Quick response to all your thoughts:
  • Again, first of all thank you!
  • Yes, I have been in a sales/consulting services, traveling position for over 15 years. Over this past year I have traveled much more than most, right in the middle of taking on the adoption.
  • We are now considering the possibility of seeing a councilor from our Parish. I might be a bit more willing than her.
  • We have been praying together most nights lately.
  • We have had several “heated” discussions, I guess after my heart was ripped out this past week I finally started coming back at her. I am very dead and bitter about the sock and surprise of the situation. Someone commented about “communications”, I wish she had more confidence to let me know how she really felt as we went through the years. We both need to get better with “communications”.
  • Last night my 17 year old son heard the “discussion” and got involved in our mess. He packed a bag and told mom he would leave if she kicked dad out. It hit her hard and now she is backing down due to the kids.
  • Not sure where this will lead, although she said she is willing to try.
God Bless.
 
Your wife is most likely tired and overwhelmed with the constant caregiving role. I have been there, done that. One day goes into another, decisions to be made, etc. etc. When you are away do you talk to her every morning and night? That does help, but the solution is to work close to home where you are a vital part of the family and able to take on some responsibilites as well as provide comfort and love for one each other.

What is love? It is looking for all the goodness in someone then choosing to love him/her. Love is positive, love is giving. Love is forgiving and kind. Help your wife see all the goodness in you. she has been alone too long.

Marriage Encounter may just be enough to give your marriage a boost. A weekend away to relax and talk without interruption. It is a fabulous weekend to help you really fall in love again. Ask your parish priest to point you to one in your area. You can go on line to find one as well. If nothing else, get a sitter for the children and go on a romantic weekend, just the two of you. Buy your wife a gift certificate for a massage, pedicure and the works. That is a mini-vacation in itself. Of course, good counseling is always something to pursue.

Above all, sit with her, hold her hand and pray. Remind each other of when you met, your wedding day. Laugh together!

Love and peace

Mom of 5

P.S. go to www.wwme.org to find Marriage Encounter weekends.
 
Dear Niels,
you and your wife are in my prayers.
It sounds as if your wife is depressed. Please take some of the excellent advice offered above. If she is reluctant to enter counseling, you might suggest that both of you owe it to the children.
Think what a separation would do to the child you have just adopted. He already has abandonment and separation issues. You both committed yourselves to be his parents, you have to do the best you can to follow through, no matter how hard it is.
Not to mention your own biochildren. I have seen firsthand how divorce damaged my own oldest sons; they don’t even realize it at this point, but both say they’ll never get married or have children. That’s not sheer coincidence.
You sound very concerned and loving. I’m sure you and your wife will be able to work through this and your marriage will be stronger for it.
 
Niels,

If you are in sales, you are probably really good at getting your point across and getting people to agree to things. Most people who can make a career in sales are really gifted at this. The problem is that gift can be misused. It can be a real problem in a marriage if one person is always getting their way and the needs of the other person are always overlooked.

If communication is a problem in your marriage, it might be because you have not stepped out of your natural ability to negotiate things to your advantage and see what it is that your wife needs. This could be happening even if it is not your intention.

Your wife might get a sense of freedom when you are gone that she loses when you are back.

Just be aware, that if communication is a problem, and your wife is having a hard time letting you know what is going on with her needs, you might need to put some effort into dropping down a notch or two and playing at her speed for a while.
 
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