Unilateral arranged marriage (?)

[QuesOnMarriage]

So, first time poster, and trying to keep this short. Basic background to topic. Married 16 yes, 5 kids (15-5). Spouse recently sober for 2 years. Previous to that had 4 years of active alcoholism. That period included an emotional affair with person in rehab.
Due to trust issues from that EA, recently found out that spouse did not love me as of wedding day. Rather, since love let her down (meaning desired spouse became priest) and I was a “good guy” with positive traits she decided to go with that.
This, question is whether this is some type of unilateral arranged marriage? Meaning, one spouse believes the covenant is based on love of the other (agape, eros, etc) and the other views the matrimony as an arrangement based on good qualities or traits but not the emotional love to bind.
Frankly, this info (with EA in past) creates extreme feelings of being manipulated and deceived. Had I known this was her basis for marriage I would not have moved forward. Speaking with priest (frequent confessor) yielded a response along the lines of “emotional love in modern marriage is too higly emphasized; focus should be on forgiveness and moving forward”.
Of course now, 16 years later there are the 5 kids and my own covenant given before God and family. Reconciling my promise/covenant with spouse’s approach has caused much anxiety.
Thoughts on this topic greatly appreciated.

 

[1ke]

recently found out that spouse did not love me as of wedding day.

You’ve been married 15 years and have 5 children. Whether she was “in love” with you on the wedding day or not, you’ve had a long and successful marriage. I am sure it was hurtful to hear this sort of information, because we all want to be loved. But love isn’t just a feeling-- feelings can be deceptive. Love is much more.

Feelings grow, feelings change-- hopefully for the better. Maybe she didn’t start out with romantic feelings, but perhaps these feelings grew.

The commitment to the marriage is an act of the will. That is where true love is found.

This, question is whether this is some type of unilateral arranged marriage? Meaning, one spouse believes the covenant is based on love of the other (agape, eros, etc) and the other views the matrimony as an arrangement based on good qualities or traits but not the emotional love to bind.

I don’t even know what that means.

Reconciling my promise/covenant with spouse’s approach has caused much anxiety.
Thoughts on this topic greatly appreciated.

You and your spouse need marriage counseling.

 

[Retsel]

…recently found out that spouse did not love me as of wedding day.

Boilerplate marriage/relationship statements (e.g., Love you but not in love with you.), do not normally appear out of thin air.

What did she actually say?

Fyi: Genuine reconciliation/recovery from an affair can easily take ten years.

 

[QuesOnMarriage]

1ke: I agree with your statement that “love isn’t just a feeling-- feelings can be deceptive.”
The thrust of my background was on the historical and, for some cultures, current practice of arranged marriages. “Love” in that context often - hopefully - does come over time to both spouses. I can have respect for many a person, and possibly contemplate committing my life to more than one person. But the emotional love is what adds to that decision making process.

I also agree that “[t]he commitment to the marriage is an act of the will.”

The second paragraph you quoted perhaps was not artfully stated. My point was that if I knew my marriage was in a sense ‘arranged’ (i.e., one person entering into the marriage commitment on a different basis than the other), then I likely would have not entered into a covenant or commitment with that person.

Stated differently, if I had known that my spouse viewed this as a good arrangement but she lacked the emotional connection known commonly as ‘love’, and was forthcoming about that perspective, I would likely have not decided to get married. I do not think that such is a surprising notion.

Unlike historical and other cultural practices, my perspective is that this was not built on a mutually agreed commitment. In those historical and other cultural arranged marriages, both parties to the marriage understand that, to a degree, this was a non-volitional marriage. That is, both understand the marriage is being entered into for other reasons such as for political or other motivations and at the direction of others they respect and chose to obey. The typical modern American marriage is not premised on such a similar context. Marrying for good character qualities or traits is certainly responsible and prudent, but as the vows state, it is also premised on a commitment to love the other person. That ‘love’ is the bedrock for emotional commitment, bringing forth children, etc. That ‘love’ obviously will grow, deepen, and become more stable over the life of the marriage.

I do appreciate greatly your thoughts and comments. And, finally, I do agree that counseling is necessary to move forward. How to approach that step is perhaps part of why I posted here. I find that listening to (name removed by moderator)ut from others helps identify potential logs in my eye, as the Scriptures state, before seeking to remove splinters from another.

 

[QuesOnMarriage]

It was that because love let her down (again, a desire to marry another man who was discerning priesthood and who appears to have strung her along during that discernment; as well as other prior relationships in which the emotional commitment was stronger) she was proceeding to marry me based on me being a ‘good guy’ with good qualities. And that 13 years later she still felt guilty for not being in love on our wedding day.

And yes, I have done much reading on the topic of recovery from an emotional affair. Also have been seeing a therapist for nearly 2 years on a monthly basis to work through PTSD from alcoholism effects as well as that EA. Further, been involved with a spiritual director and a men’s sharing group.

Posting here is to see from a broader community sense, what (name removed by moderator)ut I may receive to further pray on and consider.

 

[Irishmom2]

“I never loved you, “ is something people sometimes say when they are trying to justify their emotional or other affairs.

However, in your case, you know about your wife’s past relationship history and how she may have done what you said: married you because you are a good guy. Were you aware of her past relationships at the time?

What is the state of your marriage currently? (You do not need to answer.) I am wondering if she is okay with things as they are now, is this something that is only bothering you, or both of you. The answer to that decides individual or couples counseling.

As many have said, love is not a feeling, it is a decision. We decide every day to do and say loving things to our spouse, and even to our children. Sometimes it is easy, but other days, it can be very difficult. We may love them, but we don’t like them some days. Those are the days we really need to decide to love them by our words and our actions.

 

[tuscany]

I have no words of wisdom for you, just know that you are in my prayers. God bless you.

Blessed Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful-
Mother and love the weary, abused, neglected
or forgotten among us-
Give your aid to all needing help or healing-
Assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering-
Be with those needing peace-
Console the lonely or brokenhearted-
Comfort the lost, hopeless or fearful-
Guard the unborn-
Pray for those who are dying or who have died-
Enlighten those who do not yet see truth or have hardened hearts-
Help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go-
Show us the way to do the right thing-
Protect those who are in danger, and
Guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen

 

[Viki63]

This, question is whether this is some type of unilateral arranged marriage?

No, yours is not an arranged marriage, which is a marriage set up by your parents without much (name removed by moderator)ut from either spouse.

I doubt that many marriages over the centuries have been marriages based on "love.’ Mostly they have been business contracts arranged for the good of the families or the tribe. Sometimes they have been based on love, but I suspect usually that love was really infatuation, a chemical reaction or spark provided by nature to help propagate the species.
Most couples probably don’t love each other equally. If I were you I wouldn’t worry about the past, but consider counselling if you feel the need.
I married my husband because he’s a nice guy and I was infatuated with him. The infatuation has died away, but I still respect and admire him for his good qualities, and put up with the not-so-good. The duty of one’s spouse is to help you get to heaven, not to meet all your emotional needs. Only God can do that.

 

[QuesOnMarriage]

I did not know the full extent of this prior, main relationship until 13 years into marriage. Disclosure about the details of that prior relationship and her level of feelings came during period of sobriety. At time of disclosure I mentioned that her recitation came across as me being in second place - i.e., other guy stringing her along for so long that she decided to marry me since I was interested.

This bothers me. Being one who values honesty, to now realize that the person I married did so apparently as a back up option to her first choice, and that decision made because the first choice strung her along, smacks of deception.

There is more to our pre-marriage story. But it is long and complicated. Suffice to say, one engagement broken off by her, started dating again, and then re-engaged. From her recitation of her relationship with the now priest, it is fairly clear that during that time period she was still attached to and hoping the guy would not become a priest and instead marry her. When his indecision became too much, that is when (chronologically) she decided to marry me.

So, I guess, shame on me for not seeing the signs during that second engagement period.

 

[Irishmom2]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that. That must have been a lot to take in when she revealed it.

 

[QuesOnMarriage]

I used the arranged marriage term as an analogy. Whether a true “arranged marriage” was based on love (emotional attraction and feelings) is of course unlikely in the historical sense.

One can of course envision a historically arranged marriage as having one spouse attracted to the other (for example, husband) while the other is told to enter the marriage (for example wife). The one told to enter marriage may even see admirable traits or qualities. Key difference in such a hypothetical is that both understand the premise - it is arranged rather than chosen.

In modern day, generally a husband and wife chose to enter the marriage covenant based on not only attractive qualities and traits but emotional connection (“love”). It is not openly arranged as that term is understood in its historical or cultural context.

Did you tell your husband prior to making marriage vow that you were infatuated with him? Did “infatuation” on your end equate to his level of emotional connection to you at the time of marriage?

I guess if my spouse told me she was ‘infatuated’ with me and admired [fill in blank] trait(s)/quality(ies) I would question if infatuation would be enough to carry us through the inevitable rocky points, stressful times a marriage will inevitably encounter. Seems like ‘infatuation’ - at least to me - is a starting point for a dating relationship or even to consider a marriage, but would not last into marriage unless during dating or courtship the infatuation became more akin to “love” - something that not only admires/respects/values the good but allows the forgiveness and putting up of the “not-so-good”.

 

[Viki63]

You are right, of course. The thing is, infatuation feels like love, so you can’t tell the difference until time has passed.
Well, it’s been 27 years and two kids, so something held us together.
At times I had to remind myself that my marriage vow was to Christ first, my husband second.
You have 5 kids, so they should be your priority. They need committed parents. So hopefully you will be able to work through your feelings of disappointment over how your wife felt 16 years ago. I agree with your priest, your focus should be on forgiveness and moving forward.

 

[1ke]

In modern day, generally a husband and wife chose to enter the marriage covenant based on not only attractive qualities and traits but emotional connection (“love”).

While that may be true in the whole, it isn’t required.

You are hung up on “love” feelings. Your wife has been with you all these years, had children with you— that IS love. Not everyone expresses themselves the same way, not everyone has the same emotional needs, not everyone will say the feeling of love is important. It doesn’t mean they didn’t enter in the marriage with the right intentions or that they do not love their spouse or children.

Your feelings are hurt. You are going to have to get past that.

 

[CoffeeCatholic]

It’s not an arranged marriage, it’s just… unfortunate.
But there are many people who are married for all sorts of reasons (including rebound relationships) and make it work and it lasts until ‘death do us part’.

Marriages even for 100% love will wax and wane. Valley’s and peaks. Your love and friendship for and with your spouse will go through changes. Even if you both married for deep love and nothing less, there is not anything that says that 16+ years later you wouldn’t be in a similar spot emotionally - just for different reasons.

You know that perhaps you were a rebound partner but you are still her partner, her husband, the father of five kiddos. Since you’ve been married for almost 2 decades and have a handful of children together, I assume there is love there (on her part) even if you are feeling used as a rebound partner. And since she is sober now and the emotional affair is over and everything is out in the open, it would be a great time to date again, and get to know each other and build that ‘friendship’ back up again. Being best friends is the best way to ensure a long and happy marriage through all the ups and downs.

(Just my thoughts, typed as I was thinking them off the top of my head… LOL)

 

[QuesOnMarriage]

Thanks to all for your thought provoking feedback, insights and perspectives.

My goal was to express thoughts and gain different views.

You have given me lots to consider and pray about and through. Thank you for taking the time to respond to this.

 

[Irishmom2]

@QuesOnMarriage,

May God bless you and guide you. May he heal you and your marriage, and bring you peace.

 

[MNathaniel]

I’m sorry to hear about your pain, friend.

You have asked for “thoughts on this topic.” I think my first thought would be…:

What, specifically, are you trying to discern?

1. Are you trying to discern whether your marriage is invalid and qualifies for an annulment? (It doesn’t sound like you think this, since you mention that you have established a ‘covenant’ with your wife 'before God. Or are you saying ‘covenant’ because you don’t think the other word, ‘sacrament’ applies, and you really are seeking to know if your marriage ‘counts’ and an annulment is possible?)
2. Are you trying to discern whether your wife is (or was) guilty of a sin, in ‘deceiving’ you by entering into marriage with you for reasons you would have rejected her over, had you known?
3. Or you trying to discern the precise degree to which your wife has wronged you?

The reason I’m asking these questions, is in case (when you ask them to yourself), you might find that they’re moot. I mean, provided you do believe that your marriage to her is sacramental, and you’re trying to find a way to move forward together from an emotionally rocky current place, I would hope that your response to the 2nd or 3rd question would be: "Wait… what would answering this help? Even if the answer is that “Yes, my wife sinned, and she has wronged me to a profound degree… I have done worse against God, and He forgives me, and I must forgive my wife if I wish to continue to receive God’s mercy.”

Now, if your question is:

• How can I move forward with my wife in our continued marriage commitment, from the midst of these feelings of betrayal and bitterness?

Then I imagine folks might have some good targeted advice for you, about how they’ve personally moved forward after betrayal, and forgiven and accepted something hard, and later found more joy in it. And since it sounds like you feel like your situation may be analogous to an arranged marriage – maybe seeking out and talking to some people who are actually in arranged marriages (e.g. someone from India who’s gone that traditional route) might be helpful and have some insights for you! And I imagine that it’s actually fairly common that in arranged marriages (which doesn’t always mean meeting the day of the wedding), one of the spouses actually did fall in love beforehand, and maybe that’s why he tried to get the attention of the matchmaker/parents to ‘arrange’ the marriage, while the other spouse participated for different reasons.

Anyway, it’s out of my area of experience. At the same time… while it might be hard to hear right now (and maybe you need additional kinds of help first, before you’re ready to get to this step), I think your priest’s counsel to focus on forgiveness and moving forward is right. It’s just, I think maybe you need to also talk to people with more understanding of what you’re going through, who can help you sort through your feelings about having a relationship of a different kind than you initially wanted.

 

[MNathaniel]

Hmmm. Oh, one thought really comes to me when I’m reading this follow-up comment of yours…

For whatever it’s worth, it sounds to me like God is allowing you to be closely united to His heart, in terms of experiencing being loved imperfectly.

I think of how shoddy our love – my love – for God has so often been. Wanting to love Him properly. Believing with my mind that He is good and that I ‘should’ love Him… but in our fallen nature, the flesh sometimes does not cooperate with the will, and it can take years of choosing to love God (in actions) before actually ‘feeling’ what we might consider feelings of ‘being in love’ with God.

And when I think of how much God loves me, and how perfectly and deeply God loves me, and how shallowly and imperfectly and in fits I’ve loved Him…

Well, it just sounds to me like you’re experiencing something like what God experiences, when we first come to Him (and often for years, while we’re trying to live out our relationship with Him). We choose to be with Him, and we do want to be – and at the same time, our affections are not properly ordered, and He has to bear such poor reciprocity of what He gives to us.

Not trying to put your wife down in this, at all (nor deify you, haha). Just suggesting… maybe take this to prayer with God, and thank Him for letting you be united to His heart in this aspect (that of being imperfectly loved and chosen by your beloved), and ask Him for help in bearing this and in loving your wife as He loves you?

 

[VonDerTann]

QuesOnMarriage, I have to say, your posts are very sad and I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. You are in my prayers. I feel for you.

In some ways this is worse than being confronted with a spouse’s affair, because that’s a serious incident which can break a marriage. This whole “episode,” where OP has learned that he was…I dunno, a “plan B,” is hard because there’s no clear “right way” to proceed.

I’d add the following: No, 1KE, the wife does NOT “love” OP just because she’s been with him all these years and had his children. She more likely just fell into a pattern where those things happened because she felt they were supposed to happen. What 1KE is describing, to me, is the oft-believed but false concept that a wife will “grow to love” a man she doesn’t love if she stays with him long enough and he’s a good man - which is precisely what OP is describing himself as. This happens in marriages where the husband is good provider but there’s really no serious affection by wife for him. But in those cases the wife doesn’t “grow to love” husband, she just sort of hangs with him in a grey area of “respect but not love” and it leads to lonliness and heartache.

And that’s all the more tragic, and deceitful, where husband loves wife and realizes one day she doesn’t love him back, but she just had his kids and let him provide for them all.

So, sorry, 1KE, I found your entire series of posts on this thread cold and very harsh - you make it sound like OP is the one who has to “grow up” or “put these feelings behind him” or as if he’s the bad one. He’s not. He’s just been basically told that his whole marriage is a sham: He was “plan B plus 15 years” and he’s hurting (understandably), and maybe - just maybe - got deceived into marrying OP. He is absolutely correct to be “hung up” on love, and shame on any woman who condemns him for this: If genders were reversed and a husband announced on this board he didn’t love the woman who’d had his kids, the women of this board would likely attack him, perhaps savagely.

What I will say is that, at a minimum, OP has to decide: OP, if you have an otherwise good marriage and a happy family (you are still dad, regardless of what happens), maybe you have to put aside your feelings. To me, the only other alternative is to see if an annulment is an option (which seems harsh to all involved). To me it’s really that stark.

OP, I will pray for you, but at a minimum your feeling are IMHO understandable.

BTW - it takes 10 years to get over something like this? People are pulling numbers out of thin air. It might take a month. It might last a lifetime.

 

[idahogal]

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been having in your marriage. As a wife who experienced her spouse’s emotional affair, I can appreciate some of what you are going through.

From reading your comments it seems as though you are having almost more pain from her former relationship with the now priest than from the emotional affair after your marriage. It can be devastating to be perceived as being in second place but many, many people are not their spouse’s first and only love. I would say that the majority of people were seriously in love with someone in their past other than their spouse. I remember running into one of my husband’s first girlfriends from high school after we had been married for several years. It was easy to see the mutual affection that they still had for each other.

I want to commend you for being faithful to your wife while she was battling her alcoholism. That is a huge cross to bear and you seem to have done it with no resentment.

I guess if I were to give advice, I would suggest starting over. Make this day one in a new stage in your relationship and work together to love God, each other and your children. I know the years after my husband’s emotional affair ended were the best of our marriage. Pray to be relieved of the insecurities you are experiencing and allow God to fill you with His love so you can understand how precious you are to Him. That will free you from needing to receive that affirmation from your spouse.