Unplanned pregnancy

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People always ask me if my youngest was planned. We have six children. The fourth and fifth children died before birth and many people know this. I tell them that God did for us what we were to afraid to do. We are so thankful he did!!! We named our little Girl Isabella witch means, “devoted to God.” I don’t mind telling that story over and over again because I get to speak about my faith and Joseph and Theresa who passed away.
 
The best answer to this question, IMHO, comes from Letitia Baldridge, who was Jacqueline Kennedy’s social secretary and the author of several book son etiquette.

This question is rude and the answer is none of anybody’s business. Look at the asker incredulously and say, “I beg your pardon?” Of course, the radical pro-lifer in me loves the “God plans every pregnancy” response 😃

Congratulations,
-S-
 
Can you please tell me why it would be such an offensive question?

Rape victims apart, of course. I can understand that because it would be a sore topic. But for a Catholic, why would it be an offensive question?

I mean, you kinda have to assume that the questioner is not Catholic and therefore think in terms of ABC. Most folks are just curious.

And besides, I’m sure you would view it as a chance to speak to them about NFP and God, right? (Without the sarcasm, hopefully)
 
People don’t have boundaries anymore. It is not someone’s right to reach into your mind and soul and demand you account for whether or not at a moment in your life you were prepared and/or willing to accept God’s gift of another soul to raise.

Coupled with the implications that you were making that decision (or not) while you were having intercourse with your spouse…

it can lead to their conclusions that you are a. careless b. angry at God c. disappointed d. disaffected with Church teaching about birth control or something e. a control freak

Besides, the answer you give at 3 months can change as a couple who didn’t plan the baby begins to be very happy about it. But when their opinion changes, the rest of the world will remember they weren’t planning it. Heaven help that someday someone tells the child “You were an accident.”

We can go on… really, is it anyone’s business what goes on deep in your mind and heart? Are there not some areas of your life that should remain sacred, private and between you and God and your spouse?
 
PennitentMan said:
Can you please tell me why it would be such an offensive question?

Rape victims apart, of course. I can understand that because it would be a sore topic. But for a Catholic, why would it be an offensive question?

I mean, you kinda have to assume that the questioner is not Catholic and therefore think in terms of ABC. Most folks are just curious.

And besides, I’m sure you would view it as a chance to speak to them about NFP and God, right? (Without the sarcasm, hopefully)
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Whether or not the questioner is Catholic, it’s basically asking whether the parents-to-be were using birth control. That’s an incredibly personal question, whether the questioner means NFP or ABC. Compare:

“We’re having another child!”
“That’s great! When are you due?”
“September. We’re hoping for a girl.”
“Was this an ‘accident’?”

with

“We’re having another child!”
“That’s great! When are you due?”
“September. We’re hoping for a girl.”
“So were you using condoms?”

It’s the same conversation, just phrased differently. It’s a rude inquiry into the parents’ sex life.
 
That’s the beauty of knowing NFP. Sometimes you plan not to conceive, sometimes you plan to conceive and sometimes God’s design for human sexuality leads you to bend the rules when your “serious reason” to avoid isn’t as serious as your conscious mind rationalizes you into thinking that it is.

We had DD #3 during a period when we were only leaning towards changing our minds on our serious reason. We knew darn well that cheating on the first day of mucus signs had potential consequences. But somewhere deep inside, we weren’t too worried about those consequences!

I don’t know if you guys were like we were above, but my response was “We weren’t planning NOT to…”

My other approach is to say that some people have “planned children,” some people have “unplanned children,” and some people have “Oh what the heck” children. We have two of the first category and one of the third.
 
Another reason this question can be rude is for someone like me who’s had 4 miscarriages and only 1 successful pregnancy (hopefully this one will make it 2 successful) in 2 years. It brings back to my mind all the best laid plans of those lost babies. Plus, the look on people’s faces & sometimes their follow-up comments indicate they think you’re a nut for not actively avoiding pregnancy. Its also offensive b/c most people equate ‘unplanned’ with ‘unwanted’. Sometimes you can almost see the thoughts in their head about ‘getting rid of it’.

BTW Usually my answer is “We knew it was a possibility, we weren’t actively trying, but we weren’t actively avoiding either.”

Even some close friends/family members act shocked when I announce I’m pregnant again. I had one tell me “You know how to stop that right?” I’ve also had several people tell me that I didn’t need to get pregnant until I was ‘healthy’ again. The ‘healthy’ dealt w/ my miscarriages, but they weren’t caused by a lack of health on my part & I resent the implication that I’m putting myself & my baby at risk by allowing myself to get pregnant. I also resent the implication that I’m not smart enough to know what’s good for myself &/or to listen to my husband when/if he’s concerned about my health.
 
PennitentMan said:
Can you please tell me why it would be such an offensive question?

Rape victims apart, of course. I can understand that because it would be a sore topic. But for a Catholic, why would it be an offensive question?

I mean, you kinda have to assume that the questioner is not Catholic and therefore think in terms of ABC. Most folks are just curious.

And besides, I’m sure you would view it as a chance to speak to them about NFP and God, right? (Without the sarcasm, hopefully)
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Hi Pennitant man, nice to see you back.

In answer to your question, I know an adult woman (non-Catholic) whose non-Catholic mother used to tell frequently explain to anyone who would listen how she ended up with three children. The doctor refused to prescribe the birth control pill while the mom was nursing and she ended up getting pregnant. This adult woman finally yelled at her mother to stop telling people that story because it made it sound like her mother didn’t want her. The mom was confused and responded “of course I want you”, but the truth was she did *not *want her daughter from the very beginning and she made that quite clear to everyone who ever heard her tell the story. (and I’ve heard her tell the story, several times…)

Planned is perceived as “wanted”, unplanned perceived as “un-wanted”.

Years of hearing this story left the daughter feeling that her mother did not want her. These are not simply pregnancies being discussed, these are human beings who might grow up to feel “unwanted” or “wanted” based on the answer to what some people think of as an innocent question of curiousity. It’s okay to be curious, but that doesn’t give anyone a right to ask every question that ever crosses one’s mind, especially when the answer may deeply hurt another person’s feelings.

Most people plan their pregnancies these days, some do not, and some people who plan pregnancy do not get pregnant. This is really quite a personal subject. No one needs to know the details around conception except the parents. It is not a subject for casual conversation.

Some people–both those whose parents used NFP and those who used artificial birth control–were not planned or wanted by the parents, but as noted in the previous post God wanted and planned them from all eternity
 
“Of course. Every person in existence was planned! Sometimes the parents were in on God’s plan and sometimes they weren’t!” 🙂

I would also be tempted to say something like, “Well, yes, we were hoping to be blessed with another little one but didn’t know exactly if/when that would happen. I am so happy to be expecting our #th child. But you know, most people think that’s a very, very rude question to ask. So you probably don’t want to go around asking every pregnant lady you come across if her baby was planned or not. ;)”

I like manualman’s “what the heck” children! :rotfl: I think we also have one of the first and two of the second (not TTA but not actively going out of our way to TTC). It’s funny how people think children are either planned or unplanned, with no middle ground.
 
I had to jump in here, although my ‘prego’ days are over due to surgery a long time ago. BUT, when my 3rd was on the way and we were in the Air Force living in Mississippi, many folks had that same audacity and I was too young to have a good answer.
NOW, after our bios have flown the coop, we foster and have adopted 3 and are in the process of 2 more. These last 2 are only 8 months apart and the nasty joy I get from watching folks look at me and my DH when they ask if they are twins and I say they are 8 months apart is PRICELESS! No one can believe us ‘old folks’ are that ‘active’. It shuts them up every time.😃
 
taye said:
One of my past pregnancies was “sort of” unplanned, meaning that we had started to think about having another child, but I got pregnant before we finalized our decision (while using NFP to postpone). How does one answer the dreaded question: “Was this a planned pregnancy?” I find this questions extremely rude and unnecessary (especially in the case of pregnancy resulting from rape).
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Of course it was planned. God planned it.

Everything is under God’s plan.

When someone asks you if it was a planned pregnancy, proudly say “yes, of course-- under God’s Great supervision”.
 
I will second some other responder’s answers… it is actually a complete lack of boundaries.

You are not doing them a favor by trying to smooth over an awkward situation… I say, let them be confronted with how rude and awkward the question is so they don’t so it to someone else in the future!

I heard from a well-respected Catholic psychologist to respond with one of two things when asked a question that rudely imposes on personal boundaries…

“Why do you ask?”

or

“I usually only discuss things like that with my close friends.”

Of course, there is also the response I heard from a proper Southern grandma…

“Why, how very rude of you to ask!” 😉
 
I am a Catholic and I don’t believe in abortion. I feel that if you have an unplanned pregnancy, a woman has no choice but to carry the baby to term.
 
I realize I didn’t make it entirely clear from my previous posts, but we are presently in “pregnancy avoidance” mode (using NFP). I just found out that I’m not pregnant… If God would have allowed another child into our life I would have accepted it, even though it would not have been without difficulty. Part of me wishes we could have another child, but in our situation (psychological reasons & fatigue), I think it’s best to take it one day at a time. No one said raising a child with special needs (Autism, mild) was going to be easy. Add to that a “spirited” two year old and a daughter whom you’re too busy to spend time with…

I thank you for the advice anyway, who knows, I may need it someday… I’m sure someone else has found this discussion helpful.
 
Godfollower said:
Another possible answer to the rude: “No, the pregnancy wasn’t planned. We just can’t figure out what keeps causing it!” Looking really bewildered would help.

🙂
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That is hilarious!!! Thanks for the laugh.

I will never understand people who think other people’s sex lives/number of children is even remotely their concern! I agree with the others here - just tell them it’s none of their business; maybe that will finally make them realize how intrusive they’re being.
 
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