Unreasonable Father?

  • Thread starter Thread starter lovedance4ever
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
SamH said:
I didn’t see that.

If the 18 year old is still living as a child then they should be treated as a child. If they aren’t mature enough to support themself they aren’t mature enough to make decisions about international trips.

I have the bad habit of thinking 18 means “grown up”.
Click to expand...
This will vary between cultures, though.

I think the bad habit is of assigning maturity to a set age and then viewing it as black-and-white. The gray area offers enough substance to warrant a closer, more thoughtful examination of the situation. Of any situation, for that matter.
 
SamH said:
It can, but usually it doesn’t. Especially if the child is a dependent instead of a provider.
Click to expand...
I have only the anecdotal experience about myself and my sister. We were fully supported by our parents when we were students at the university and we left home when we were 25, we both had a PhD in our pocket and a job waiting. Now we live in two continents apart and we are offering the same treatment to our children if they want to take advantage of it. Our parents and ourselves agreed that it was a better decision to live together, to accelerate the studies and to get a better paying job earlier.
 
SamH said:
It can, but usually it doesn’t. Especially if the child is a dependent instead of a provider.
Click to expand...
Usually?

I don’t know. I see your point, but my opposing one is that … well, I have two siblings in college right now. Opposite coasts of the US. Run with very different crowds. Both have more friends/peers than appendages that have had to be rescued by parents financially because of the whole “18-and-grown” thing.

Excessive credit card debt is so common, even to those kids who could have lived at home but felt they “had to” or “should” or “deserved to” live on their own. To the post you quoted, I agree - sometimes it’s more mature to defer that social illusion of being grown by staying at home.
 
SamH said:
I didn’t see that.

If the 18 year old is still living as a child then they should be treated as a child. If they aren’t mature enough to support themself they aren’t mature enough to make decisions about international trips.

I have the bad habit of thinking 18 means “grown up”.
Click to expand...
This is so insulting. Do you seriously believe that making money equals maturity? In that case you have some growing up to do. 🤷
 
SamH said:
It can, but usually it doesn’t. Especially if the child is a dependent instead of a provider.
Click to expand...
Well, it certainly is not like that in my case. My parents are currently struggling financially (the only reason I am able to go to Siena is because of my financial aid and scholarships), and I have contributed a lot of money in the past; gas money, money to fix various broken appliances around the house, etc. When I want something, I usually pay for it. This past summer, I planned and funded a trip to Gettysburg, PA and drove there with one of my friends. Yes, I live under my parents roof and appreciate all that they continue to give me, but (and not to sound arrogant) I do consider myself more capable and mature than some of my peers.

I thank all of you for your thoughtful comments! Right now, my father is more accepting of the idea, and seems to be almost excited (thanks to my mom). Comparing Siena’s crime statistics to crime statistics in America was a very good idea, but most importantly, we all have been praying about it. If it is God’s will, I will go. And if it is not, then He has something better in mind for me.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
This is so insulting. Do you seriously believe that making money equals maturity? In that case you have some growing up to do. 🤷
Click to expand...
I think the problem is when a student wants to do something and has their hand out at the same time. Kind of, I want to go to Europe and you get to pay for it.

If they are paying their own way it is much easier to back their decision. But if they need financial support, well, they are dependent on having their parents agreeing with their decision.

It looks like from the OP, she was oh so excited about the trip and expected Mom and Dad to jump on the bandwagon. Dad had to think about it for a while. And the OP was panicking. Everyone seems to have calmed down now.
 
Siena…apart from having low crime…is a lovely town. I really hope you get to go there for a while. Not to mention the wonderful wines from the surrounding regions - Chianti Classico, Brunello di Montalcino, Vin Santo, etc - which you’ll be legally able to drink. And the food of course…

Glad to hear your father is getting on board. I hope it works out.
 
IMO your father is being completely unreasonable in not engaging in discussions with you (and your mother all together) the pro’s and con’s of such an opportunity. It seems he is not even willing to look at it as a potential opportunity.

If your not financiallly indpendent and able to get through the rest of your schooling without the support of your dad, he has to be on board, no?

I suggest you approach him with love. I suggest you tell him how much you love him and provide lots of specific examples of times he was ‘there for you’ as you were growing up, and this is part of why you love and respect him so much…as a way to start the convo…

I then suggest you explain that it seems like it could be a great opportunity for you and your disappointed that you dad, the man who raised you, who you love and respect, doesn’t seem willing to even discuss it with you. Explain your in transtion period from childhood to adulthood, legally an adult, and while you value his wisdom and guidance…it’s time that you learn and practice taking on more and more responsibilty for yourself.

Let him know your an adult, your coming to him out of love and respect, your not throwing temper tantrums to try and get your way. YOu value his (name removed by moderator)ut, but would hope that he could and does recognize that you are a young MAN now and would appreciate it if you could have conversations with him about this subject, father to son, man to man.

Basically you need to open up the lines of communication if you need his support and backing. It also comes through in your post how much you do value his opinion. Talk specifically about good and responsible decisions and actions you have made over the past year-3 years, and how he was instrumental in helping you make those decisions since he has been raising you and has guided and taught you to make more and more decisions for yourself and you have proven that you are capable of making wise decisions and staying safe and out of trouble, unlike many other teenagers, thanks to your dad’s guidance and support over the years.

Tell him, ask him, tell him that if he loves and respects you you feel as though he should be willing to engage you in open and honest 2 way mutually respectable conversations about the subject and then ask him to commit to doing so.

Then have those conversations. If he cuts you off or presents as close minded respectufully poin that out to him and remind him your an adult now and want to have adult conversations about the subject. Remind him you value his opinon and (name removed by moderator)ut but feel like your being treated like a small child where he just says no and doesn’t give much of an explaination. Let him know that in your opinion, especially when it comes to very big decisions, it takes several conversations where both parties are open minded and respectful in order to come to a final decision. Ask that he be and remain open minded. Let him know your praying on it for guidance whether or not it’s right for you- and do so.

that should get the conversations going, hopefully. And make sure to agree with points he raises as concerns if they are valid, that is part of being an adult and having a reasonable adult conversation. Ask that in return he do the same when you point out positives.

Good Luck and God Bless,
Bill
 
lovedance4ever said:
Well, it certainly is not like that in my case. My parents are currently struggling financially (the only reason I am able to go to Siena is because of my financial aid and scholarships), and I have contributed a lot of money in the past; gas money, money to fix various broken appliances around the house, etc. When I want something, I usually pay for it. This past summer, I planned and funded a trip to Gettysburg, PA and drove there with one of my friends. Yes, I live under my parents roof and appreciate all that they continue to give me, but (and not to sound arrogant) I do consider myself more capable and mature than some of my peers.

I thank all of you for your thoughtful comments! Right now, my father is more accepting of the idea, and seems to be almost excited (thanks to my mom). Comparing Siena’s crime statistics to crime statistics in America was a very good idea, but most importantly, we all have been praying about it. If it is God’s will, I will go. And if it is not, then He has something better in mind for me.
Click to expand...
I’m glad things are working out better with your father. However, one comment you wrote in your initial post stuck in my mind:
lovedance4ever said:
Right now, he is very solemn, and will not speak to me very much. 😦 :mad:
Click to expand...
The “silent treatment” is often used to “guilt”, manipulate, and control people, so be on guard for that in the future (like when it comes time for you to get married or respond to a religious calling).
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top