Unreasonable mother or is it me?

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thelady1090

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Hi,
I am having some really big issues with my Catholic and also Mexican mother. I am 20 years old, have a full time job, attend college as a full time student, pay for all my bills and insurance, except for rent… because I still live with my parents. My parents do not like each other. They do not speak to each other. My father treats my mother like dirt and she only tells him off. It has been this way for the entire 20 years of my existence. She did not want to leave him at first because of her child (me) and now that I am older she does not want to leave because she is scared and because she does not want to be alone. Well, the issue is that my mother is quite controlling with me. I can tell her where I’m going and who I’m going to be with and she gets mad at me for coming home late… About midnight. She yells at me and tells me that I can’t be going out every 8 days and how I’m never home. I don’t know if it’s because she’s jealous that I don’t spend time with her or what. I just don’t like spending time at home because it’s always awkward and I’m alone in my room all day. It seems like she is always mad and I can never do anything that will content her, no matter what. It puts A LOT of stress on me because I have to deal with school, work, my boyfriend, and friends. I barely have time to hang out with my bf and when I do she gets upset and gives me a guilt trip. There is a lot of other things she does. And I’m tired of crying and being stressed out and upset because my mother is mad at me. I want to move out because I cannot make my own decisions apparently, but I don’t know if I should. She would be really dissapointed and upset and I don’t want to let her down, but I feel like I need to be out on my own. Am i right or wrong here?
 
If you are living at home, you should follow the rules. If you don’t like the rules move out. 🤷
 
At age 20 you are entitled to move out as you can do so and can support yourself.
Your mother may perhaps never be ready to let you go.
You sound very capable and a fine young woman.
Remaining at home is probably not the healthiest thing for your human development.

Your dear mother and father are apparently not able to deal with relationship well, with each other or you.
Remaining home wont change that, nor is leaving likely to change the dynamic, and you may possibly be blamed for moving out. Be quiet and calm about it as possible and don’t enter into ‘arguments’ or engage with manipulation, as you will know you are doing the right thing but wish to do so with dignity and respect. Whatever difficulties your parents have they have raised a capable and good daughter.

As a young adult, you have a right to leave home and set yourself up for a healthy future, while also showing reasoanble kindness and respect to your parents. I pray you have learned from your parents relationship difficulties to desire to have maturity and balance in you own relationships.

Create your boundaries respectfully but firmly, knowing that it is usually painful for parents when their children leave home. Decide on the kind things you are able to do while retaining independence and a sensible amount of space for yourself, and for your emotional and mental health.

God bless you, and God bless your mother and father. God grant that in your launch as an adult, your parents will be able to find a new, happier dynamic between themselves, now that their essential marriage relationship is highlighted in being alone with each other.

While loving them remember that their problems are theirs to solves, and thus avoid co-dependency that allows you to be part of their problem by making it yours.

Best wishes,
Trishie
 
Trishie said:
At age 20 you are entitled to move out as you can do so and can support yourself.
Your mother may perhaps never be ready to let you go.
You sound very capable and a fine young woman.
Remaining at home is probably not the healthiest thing for your human development.

Your dear mother and father are apparently not able to deal with relationship well, with each other or you.
Remaining home wont change that, nor is leaving likely to change the dynamic, and you may possibly be blamed for moving out. Be quiet and calm about it as possible and don’t enter into ‘arguments’ or engage with manipulation, as you will know you are doing the right thing but wish to do so with dignity and respect. Whatever difficulties your parents have they have raised a capable and good daughter.

As a young adult, you have a right to leave home and set yourself up for a healthy future, while also showing reasoanble kindness and respect to your parents. I pray you have learned from your parents relationship difficulties to desire to have maturity and balance in you own relationships.

Create your boundaries respectfully but firmly, knowing that it is usually painful for parents when their children leave home. Decide on the kind things you are able to do while retaining independence and a sensible amount of space for yourself, and for your emotional and mental health.

God bless you, and God bless your mother and father. God grant that in your launch as an adult, your parents will be able to find a new, happier dynamic between themselves, now that their essential marriage relationship is highlighted in being alone with each other.

While loving them remember that their problems are theirs to solves, and thus avoid co-dependency that allows you to be part of their problem by making it yours.

Best wishes,
Trishie
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Trishie,
This is the best advice I have heard in the longest time. This gives me insight and hope. Thank you so much.
 
If I was in your shoes, the first thing I would do is merely pray for her! What can we mere mortals do compared to what God can do? Also, remember that your parents still are your parents and you have an obligation to respect them. Perhaps just some loving and tender respect will change the mood in your ailing family! 🙂

Other than that, I can’t say much more since I don’t have experience in this subject whatsoever.

I will be praying for you and your family! 🙂
 
thelady1090 said:
Hi,
I am having some really big issues with my Catholic and also Mexican mother. I am 20 years old, have a full time job, attend college as a full time student, pay for all my bills and insurance, except for rent… because I still live with my parents. My parents do not like each other. They do not speak to each other. My father treats my mother like dirt and she only tells him off. It has been this way for the entire 20 years of my existence. She did not want to leave him at first because of her child (me) and now that I am older she does not want to leave because she is scared and because she does not want to be alone. Well, the issue is that my mother is quite controlling with me. I can tell her where I’m going and who I’m going to be with and she gets mad at me for coming home late… About midnight. She yells at me and tells me that I can’t be going out every 8 days and how I’m never home. I don’t know if it’s because she’s jealous that I don’t spend time with her or what. I just don’t like spending time at home because it’s always awkward and I’m alone in my room all day. It seems like she is always mad and I can never do anything that will content her, no matter what. It puts A LOT of stress on me because I have to deal with school, work, my boyfriend, and friends. I barely have time to hang out with my bf and when I do she gets upset and gives me a guilt trip. There is a lot of other things she does. And I’m tired of crying and being stressed out and upset because my mother is mad at me. I want to move out because I cannot make my own decisions apparently, but I don’t know if I should. She would be really dissapointed and upset and I don’t want to let her down, but I feel like I need to be out on my own. Am i right or wrong here?
Click to expand...
I don’t think she is jealous. Maybe if you look at her behaviour differently, you would not get so upset? She is doing some things wrongly - yelling at you and showing her anger. If you see that she loves you, may be afraid for you and your choices especially as her choices and decisions may not have been the best. She may be feeling frustrated and helpless.

Sit down with her when she is not angry, talk to her, give her a written schedule of your days, assure her that you will tell her if that schedule changes, if you are going out at night, the time you will be back. Tell her firmly that you are an adult and she has to respect you and to stop her yelling. Introduce her to yor boyfriend, share things with her. Assure her of your love for her.

You have a right to your own life but your mother is your mother. You have your whole life before you. Feel sad for her and you won’t be so upset with her.

Prayers for you and your mum. God bless.
 
Many good advices. One thing that you could do though. Pay rent, if you really want to live “at home”. That way you can, to a certain level, live your own life and be in control of it without the obligation to obey your parents. It is no “magic wand” but it give you a bit more latitude to live a life you like to.
 
Trishie said the most beautiful words… There gifted words… So read what she said a couple times,…
On my part… Moving out if you are capable of supporting yourself would be a blessing for you for a peaceful lifestyle … And good for your mother, she is far to dependent on you,
She needs you in her life more than you need her… Because her whole focus is on you and you alone… You can’t breath without her being there, just to make sure you breath correctly.
Moving out will be as good for her as it would be for you… If you do leave , make a family dinner night… Say Thursday night every week… By doing that you have set boundaries …
Just one regular night per week…
My mother was a bit over possessive as well… So I understand…
 
I too think that if you want to move out, move 🙂 You are now an adult. It seems your mother still needs to learn about being the parent of an adult (believe me, I too am still learning, but when I put it like that, it helps me learn.).

However, it seems like your mother doesn’t have any friends? It sounds like her life may be very isolated. I think it might be kind of you to do something with her a couple of timees a month–movies, museums, and if you can find a group she might enjoy where she could meet other women, like a book-reading club or something related to her interests, that you two could do together for a while, til she was ready to do it on her own, that would be perfect.

It’s not easy to have a child move out… not that the child should stay because of that, but it’s a huge adjust ment for parents. For children, it’s an adventure, fulfilling their lives more, gaining independence… for parents it’s a loss in so many ways. But that is part of a parent’s cross, and I tell you this so you will have sympathy, *not guilt. *
 
Personally, I am all for moving. It sounds to me like your mom will only change on HER schedule and frankly, that could be never.

Love your mom, pray for her, but do NOT let her control you. Sure it would be nice if you could take all the advice other’s have given you and turn your relationship into a good one. But I seriously doubt it will work. Don’t put yourself through a headache

Angie
 
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