Update on my daughter issues

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lonegreywolf20

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It’s been a little bit since I updated things on my 18 year old daughter who moved out the day after she turned 18 because I am too controlling. As I mentioned before, she went back to live with her mom and her mom was encouraging her to get a GED. That never happened. She didn’t go back to school either.

She has come back down here, not living with me as I won’t allow her to as she brings strife and discord to my apartment and her younger siblings do not need that. She is living with her boyfriend with her mother’s blessing. Her mother paid for her to come back down here. Although, her mother has already said to me that she expects a phone call asking to come back up there within a month.

My daughter messaged me a couple Sundays ago wanting to come over to see me. I told her it has to be a weekend and not with the boyfriend. I suspected that she had ulterior motives in this and she didn’t prove me wrong. The conversation devolved with her basically screaming at me over messages about how crappy a father I am for leaving them over 10 years ago, that I am pathetic, etc, etc, etc… I simply told her that I don’t need her to come over to my home for her to tell me all this. That I already know her opinion of me and her younger siblings don’t need to hear it. She basically accused me of not wanting to be a man and taking what she has to give me in conversation. I reminded her that there is my side of what happened that led to her mother and I breaking up (we weren’t married) and that I am not ready to tell my side, but I have accepted my part that I played in it. Her mother has yet to do the same and continues to just blame me.

I will not tell her my side because she has a younger full sibling who is only twelve and has no choice in where she can live if my revelation of what happened ruins her relationship with her mother. She has six years to go and I am not going to do that to her. I am protecting her. She would not come live with me because she doesn’t really see me as her father because she was only two years old when we broke up and I left and went 1200 miles away. She grew up with another man in her life as her dad and I am thankful for him and hold no ill will towards him and his part in what happened as he too had a part in it. He has also passed away.

Anyway, that’s my update. It’s been hard and I have held onto my side of the story going on eleven years and not told any of them.

Am I in the wrong for holding back?
 
Without knowing all the details I don’t know if anyone can be too specific.

But the fact that there are other minor children is what prompted me to post. I recommend Divorce Poison by Warshak and Warshak. The drs. Warshak can give advice on when to be silent and when to speak. It also explains WHY there is a time to be silent and a time to speak:
  1. How will the children be helped or harmed if I speak?
  2. How would the children be helped or harmed if I do not speak?
  3. If I were still in a good relationship with the other party, and I wanted to protect and nurture the children’s relationship with that other party, how would I proceed?
It is a sadly necessary and excellent book. Highly recommended.
 
I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but I think the way you responded to your daughter would only inflame things.
Instead of stating you don’t need her coming to your house and expressing and that you already know how she feels etc you should be acknowledging her feelings and sincerely apologising.
You need to be mature and don’t run away from her angry/hurt feelings or shut them down.
It can be hard to be on the receiving end of yelling or anger etc but you need to remember your daughter didn’t create this situation and is the ‘victim’.

TBH,your response comes off a bit cold and insensitive.
Regardless of the issues with her mother,and even if there was infidelity on the mothers behalf or young age and maturity on your behalf,you still made the decision to move 1200 miles away from your daughter and not see her often.
This is not justifiable in the eyes of a child,not for work,immaturity or stress reasons etc…
Regardless of the mothers action,the responsible and loving thing would have been to move relatively near to your daughter and stay in her life and maintain the father daughter relationship.

There is unfinished emotional business here and it willl be more productive if you address it differently.
You don’t have to tell your daughter exactly what happened in the marriage.You can just say there were greater issues which weren’t your doing.
You need to have maturity though and say to her with sincerity that you regret the decision you made to not be in her life,you are deeply sorry for her pain and the years she missed out on a relationship with you and that you wish you could do things over again differently if you had the chance to turn back time.
That you can’t take back time or her hurt but that you want to make the decision now to be the best father to her possible from now forward.

She may still express hurt/anger but if you say this consistently,and without an attitude of ‘get over it’ then her hurt will lessen in time and hopefully the relationship will improve.

Also,tbh,her decision making in regard to her boyfriend might potentially be indirectly related to having her father leave.
 
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I think you are right to not tell your daughter about what her mother did that caused the breakup. Kids, even adult kids, shouldn’t be part of that. You might be focusing on the wrong issue there, anyway. It sounds like she is less upset about your non-marriage breaking up and more upset at your going so far away that you weren’t able to be part of her life. Unless you had to go into witness protection or something like that, that choice wasn’t her mother’s fault anyway.
 
Well, I was a stay at home dad when we broke up. So, no car and no money to my name. She was starting a relationship with the man she cheated on me with.

So, it was live on the streets in rural Upstate, NY or go where I had support from my family. That meant moving 1200 miles away.
 
I don’t think you owe your daughter too much, at this point. From other posts, it seems she knew the basics of your breakup with her mother. You did give her a place to live, while finishing high school and not getting along with her mom.

Does your ex seem to think your daughter wants you to allow her boyfriend to move in? That’s a big responsibility…even if they promise to live chastely. Is her bf of age? If not, his parents could cause trouble for you!

Just allow her to visit, but don’t let her to start arguments, or try to ‘guilt’ you into anything. It sounds as if she’s done that before. Don’t allow her to disrupt your household, by trying it again. You’ve been a good dad, and can continue to be…by not allowing her to cross any borders!
 
I don’t know what your options were at the time, but the fact remains that your daughter was deeply hurt by your decision to move so far away from her. Explaining why it was all her mother’s fault isn’t going to take away that pain, even if she accepts that. (Which she probably won’t.) I wonder if you fully understand how hard abandonment is on children, even well into adulthood. It causes anxiety, anger, and often effects decision making regarding relationships, particularly romantic relationships. Regardless of whose “fault” it was, the damage is the same to your daughter. When she brings this up to you, I wouldn’t dismiss her pain. I would console her and acknowledge her feelings. I would assure her that going forth, you intend to be a permanent fixture in her life.
 
Thank you for your reply. I have heard that I am a good dad from many, so hearing from another is comforting.

She is living with the boyfriend now and I believe he has his own place. I haven’t been able to find anything that tells me otherwise and my daughter isn’t forth coming with the information. She will not even tell my girlfriend whom she talks to when she needs advice.

He is of age and from what I can tell still in high school.
 
I have done that continually and even after she said I’m not her dad, but her sperm donor I still said I am here for you and always will be.

However, there has to be some boundaries in order to protect myself and her younger siblings. That is what I am trying to establish with her. I also do not need to constantly hear verbal abuse from her.
 
I can certainly understand not wanting to have these conversations within earshot of your other children, but there has to be other options. She’s probably going to have to hear you say these things more than once. Maybe you can see her other places, outside of your home? Or even consider going to a counselor together now and then.
 
I have said it multiple times when she was living with me and not living with me. She only hears what she wants to hear.

Part of the problem and this came from her, their mom raised them to hate me. So, she has latched on to that. Her other full siblings all have better relationships with me.

The other thing is that when she was with me it was all about how much she hated her mom and how much she hated her then boyfriend and now fiance because she cheated with him on the guy that she cheated on me with. When she went back with her mom it flipped and now that she is back down here living with the boyfriend she hates us both.

She called my girlfriend on Sunday asking for her advice on how to handle the boyfriend setting a double standard and that she cannot call her mom to go back home because her mom just sent her down here.
 
As bizarre as that behavior seems, it’s actually somewhat typical for a girl with parental abandonment issues. If you can’t get her to a counselor, maybe consider seeing one yourself, to help you make sense of the situation and know where to set boundaries and how to best deal with her behavior.
 
Telling one’s children about their other parents sins/failings is rarely helpful.
 
The next time she calls and wants to come over, invite her out to lunch or dinner instead. It is fine to say no boyfriend. Tell her you would like to treat her. Set a date, time and place.

Sometimes people just need to know they have been heard. If you meet up in a public place over a meal, it is less likely things will become volatile. It may be easier to have a more civil conversation where she will tell you the things she needs you to hear. They will be ugly, and it will be uncomfortable for you. She may need to repeat herself at multiple meetings. It is OK. It sounds like you and her mother created a real mess for her to be raised in. I realize that sounds harsh. It sounds like you are trying to do better, now. Even if your wife was the cheater, you weren’t married and you brought kids into an unstable situation. Rather than defending yourself, tell her she is right. You weren’t able to step up and be a dad when she was little. Let her know how sorry you are, and how much you regret it. Let her know how you are trying to do better, and specifically what you are doing.

She came from dysfunction, so you can expect that is how she is going to live her life until she figures out there is a better way. Putting her down for living with her boyfriend isn’t going to expedite the process for her. I wouldn’t say anything negative about it.

Let her know you love her and you want the best for her. Recognize she is an adult and can make her own choices and that you will do your best to be there for her when she needs you.

And no, don’t tell her “your side” of the story. It will cause her more pain and it sounds like she already has enough. “I am so sorry things were the way they were, and I am sorry for my role in all of that” is all you should ever say about it.

I hope things look up soon for both you and her.
 
Sorry,but this relationship can only move forward once you have maturity and stop justifying your feelings/actions.
I’m very sorry that your wife was unfaithful and it’s natural that you would have hurt feelings towards her,however the children should not suffer in such circumstances or pay for their parent/s sin/choices.
Moving with family temporary for a few months makes sense if you were jobless etc, but you are talking about years missed out of your daughters life, not just a few months.
Just like your wife was responsible for her decision to cheat,you are responsible for your decision to not be a present father in your daughters life.

Many people make poor decisions when young,whether due to immaturity,self absorption,not thinking clearly etc…but the time has to come now to own those mistakes and not just rationalise them away as being ‘side effects’ of you being a ‘victim’ of your wife’s actions.
Children should not be ‘collateral damage’ of their parents choices.

You are the mature adult.Your daughter is just 18.

Perhaps look at it another way.How would it seem to you if a mother gave birth to a child and then just left many miles away for many years of the child’s life?

People get unemployed,have bad life circumstances etc and this is in no way their fault but the effects of absence on the child is the same.

This might sound bizarre or ironic to you,but it seems like this daughter is actually most similar to you.
After many years you still hold onto hurt and so does she.

As other posters mentioned,regarding the boyfriend,i think you should not be too harsh as sometimes people from broken homes current decisions about relationship partners are influenced by their upbringing.

For example,how many times in life do we see girls with absent fathers being attracted to “bad boy” type of guys.
I don’t think it’s just a pure coincidence.
Life is a continuum and people’s past can affect their present decisions if that makes sense.
 
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lonegreywolf20 said:
have done that continually and even after she said I’m not her dad, but her sperm donor I still said I am here for you and always will be.
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There needs to be consistency in your response to your daughter on the issue.
It sounds like you give her mixed messages-sometimes saying your sorry and want to be a good father to her and other times saying something along the lines of it wasn’t your own fault,you were a victim and she should basically get over it.
You are also giving her mixed messages when you become intolerant of hearing her hurt feelings and instead framing them as verbal abuse.
A person who takes ownership of their actions wouldn’t view her feelings this way.

I’m sure you naturally had strong feelings when your wife was unfaithful so why would you expect your daughter to have any less strong feelings about something that’s affected her own life negatively?

If you had of expressed your anger and hurt feelings to your wife and her infidelity and she had said to you on some days “I’m very sorry” and then on other days “get over it,move on,I won’t accept your verbal abuse” im curious what would have been your feelings and responses?
 
I have never once said that I am a victim to her always taking responsibility for my part in what happened. I have only ever said there is more to the story than she knows.

If me having boundaries in regards to my daughter verbally abusing me is an issue with you I don’t know how to help you with that, but I will not take verbal abuse from my daughter.

I’m done with this thread and thank you to those who have responded. I got what I needed and much of what I didn’t even ask for and was unwarranted advice that really wasn’t any part of my question.
 
Im really sorry if I seemed too harsh.
At the same time,it’s good to be receptive and open to honesty and that people might see things from a different angle.
Receptiveness doesn’t mean necessarily agreeing but receptiveness shows a mindset of maturity and openness to change and self reflection.

The fact that you want to improve your relationship with your daughter and have peace and harmony shows that you are trying.

If you just wanted a straight up answer “should you tell your children your side of the breakup” then I assume most posters would say no.That it’s not good to involve them in adult issues.
It seems there’s more deeper issues than that though.

I hope you can find a way to move forward and understand your daughters feelings.
 
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