Update on my situation (re: Alcoholic husband)

[LSK]

Hi, I’m Joey and I’m an alcoholic.

I know what both of you are going through. I can empathize 100%. What you have to do is stop the enabling behavior. Once you do that his disease will cause him to panic where he will try all kinds of strategies to get you to resume enabling. Don’t buy any for him, don’t give him money to do it himself.

If he threatens withdrawal tell him you’ll take him to the hospital. If he refuses you if there is a state statute allowing for a 72 hour hold for the safety of the patient then use it. And it is for his safety. Alcohol withdrawal is not only incredibly uncomfortable if he get delirium tremens there is an up to 50% mortality rate if left untreated.

Another piece of advice. You can’t do anything to make him change so don’t try. That’s one of the first lessons of Al-Anon. You can’t fix him but you can learn to stop helping and how to live a good life without his disease always stealing the spotlight.

And finally, you need to get into Al-Anon. They can help. You need to get on with your recovery regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

Hi, My name is Leslie and I’m an alcoholic.

My sobriety date is 5.4.1992. I am active in the appropriate 12 step group, have a sponsor and a home group.

I absolutely understand your husband. In fact, he makes perfect sense to me - but that is because I am an alcoholic and I know what he is really saying to you. He is saying, "I cannot stay sober. I can’t. I did it for six weeks and finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and I needed some relief. "

What most people who do not have my disease never get is this: it is a disease that hits you two ways, physically and mentally. He can take care of the physical part by not drinking…the mental part is a heckuva lot tougher and as someone who has done the sober part one day at a time for over 24 years I can tell you that if all I had to do was just not drink and ‘straighten up’ I sure as hell wouldn’t need 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, 12 Concepts, a sponsor and a homegroup.

I also agree that just because he has the disease of alcoholism does not mean you have to jump through his hoops.

Please speak to your priest and seek out Al Anon. Please make sure your children understand that they have NOTHING to do with his bad behavior. Children tend to think that if they could just be good enough all of the Mommy and Daddy problems will disappear.

I remember when my family sat me down and told me that if I wanted to keep drinking that was my business, but that they were no longer going to be involved in any way shape or form. Where I passed out, I stayed…if I vomited or peed on myself, oh well, if I ended up on the street then they would be sad but they would not rescue me.

Not everyone agrees with the tough love approach. Senator George McGovern lost his daughter Theresa to this disease and stated in his book about the experience of parenting an alcoholic child that he wishes he had never listened to all the tough love advocates, so that he could have at least been there to hold his daughter when she died. Instead, she died frozen to death in a snowbank.

I am going to keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me. You can also reach me through my blog.

 

[breye]

Thank you for posting an update!!!

I was so worried about you. I have been around this subject, and I understand how alcoholism is a disease - I think a lot of the posters here have not had the experience, and so don’t understand how strange it is. I can guess that your husband is a nice man - you did marry him and have children with him! - but this has taken over his mind and his life. It is hurting you, him, and the kids.

The fact that he COULD stop for 6 weeks is a great sign - please, please try to get him to AA. AA is based on a Christian point of view - Step 2: We come to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step 3: Made a decision to turn the will and care of our lives over to God.

Your husband will benefit greatly from this. He seems to know that he is an alcoholic, but is having trouble with the thought of giving it up. Get him to go to some AA meetings, even if he feels he doesn’t need it. Just beg him to go. Hopefully, it will start to ruminate in him, and he will get a sponsor, and start working the steps. With that, your family could become whole again. I have seen it happen, and I truly believe this is the best option for you.

b

 

[Irishmom2]

I think a lot of the posters here have not had the experience, and so don’t understand how strange it is.

I am not sure what makes you say this. It seems to me that everything you posted is exactly what other people already said, so not sure why you are passing judgement on “a lot of the posters here.”

 

[breye]

Irishmom2
No, you are completely right. This new post of hers has shown much compassion. I made a mistake in not distinguishing - she had many negative comments on the first post that I found disheartening.

Thanks for pointing out my slip, I do appreciate that this post is almost entirely helpful,
br

 

[His_helpmeet]

I could not find my previous post, but wanted to provide an update and maybe get some advice or thoughts on the current situation.

My last update was that over Easter my husband had gotten drunk, upset my sister (who then contacted his work), fell down the stairs and broke his foot.

He was sober for just shy of 6 weeks, but his birthday was this past Saturday and he told me he needed to “Let loose and get a little drunk.” I told him I’d take the kids to my parents for the weekend, or we could rent him a hotel room (which honestly I think is being much more generous than I need to be), but he absolutely refused and insisted he get to see his kids.

He bought a 12 pk of beer and a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. Said he’d only drink for Friday and Sat. I told him we had an agreement before and that I would be taking the kids and he just flew off then handle - said he felt he had to make that agreement “under duress” and that he can’t live under the “constant threat” of me taking the kids from him.

He ended up giving the bottle to my dad, but went out Sat morning and bought a 1 liter bottle, drank the whole thing and insisted I go get him more. I refused. He said he “might die from withdrawal.” I was super nice (sarcasm) and told him he had to deal with the consequences of his choices (he didn’t die). He then had 3- 20oz beers at the restaurant on Sunday to “celebrate Mother’s Day.”

So now… he doesn’t want to drive to work because he says he doesn’t trust me… he thinks I’m going to pack up the kids and leave. He wants to move because he says we live too close to my parents and I just run to them whenever we have a marital problem (this doesn’t seem like a “marital” problem… not to say we don’t have those too, but this is a drinking problem).

He says he should be able to drink whenever he wants as long as he doesn’t drink like he did before (though he bought 2.75 liters of vodka for just 2 days of drinking… so it doesn’t seem like he has plans to not drink like before).

Beyond all of this, he says no one respects him because my dad came out to check on the kids when he found out my husband was drinking; my dad lost it on him and told him to straighten up. He told my husband he doesn’t care if he went 6 weeks without drinking, as we just threw it down the drain by drinking again. My husband says it’s not fair that everyone discounts how well he has been doing… and while I see his point to a degree, it makes me angry when all he can focus on is how well he did… when he’s back to drinking.

So he is not drinking as of Sunday after we left the restaurant. But he’s just super overbearing now. He wants to work from home, in my office, to make sure I’m not making plans to leave him, and to make sure I’m not talking with other men. He says my parents aren’t allowed to visit the house (nor is my sister).

Lately he has been upset if he calls and I either a) can’t answer the phone because I’m working or dealing with kid stuff or b) I answer but I’m in the middle of things so I sound frustrated (I try not to, but honestly it’s not just him, I’d be frustrated if I had to answer the phone for anyone during some of those times - bath time for the kids, for example).

He was upset that my BIL volunteered to put up our DIY playset while he was at work - he insisted I have someone else there with me so I wasn’t “tempted.” He got upset that I took the kids to swimming lessons and while we were there, me and the kids sat in the gym with BIL and watched my niece’s volleyball game while we waited for it to be our lesson time (10 minutes).

Now don’t get me wrong here… I realize most, if not all of this, is red flag stuff. My struggle comes in when he argues that everything that happened (me taking the kids before, not answering his calls, staying with my parents, etc) has made him insecure and this is a normal response. I recognize that it’s not, not really… but at the same time when I try to put myself in his shoes, I can see where I’d probably be a bit insecure too… so I start rationalizing etc.

SO, I guess I’m just curious, besides the “get yourself and your kids out of there now!” comments (because I truly don’t feel in danger), what should be done here? Counseling? Does any of this seem salvageable? I made a forever vow, and it’s for-better-or-for-worse… at the same time, this whole situation is truly bringing me down and at what point do I have the right to say that I don’t have to stand for the controlling, the drinking, the arrogance, etc? I’m just so exhausted with all of this (and four kids, 2 cats and 1 dog) that it gets hard to look forward in the situation.

Sorry for the long post.

I STRONGLY, STRONGLY urge you to consider Al-Anon. This is a support organization for those who are suffering due to the alcoholism of a loved one. If you are not able to go to a group you might see if you can find some support online.

If your husband is not willing to recognize that he has a problem and start committing to sobriety (and that means 100% sobriety) unfortunately he cannot change. There is also the possibility that he is becoming a “dry drunk” - meaning that while he may not actively be drinking, he is still exhibiting the other behaviours consistent with alcoholism.