Upset about boyfriend/possible fiance's secret activity

[puzzleannie]

OP states she is discerning whether or not it is time to become engaged and therefore start planning to marry this person. She describes finding out that he keeps secret an ongoing, not one-time activity, she finds deplorable. She is asking whether to continue the relationship, so our answers should speak to that situation. If it is a deal-breaker for her, she should break it off now. The behavior will not change, nor will the secrecy surrounding it, without a major effort on his part, and she does not describe any willingness on his part to change.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear puzzleannie

OP states she is discerning whether or not it is time to become engaged and therefore start planning to marry this person. She describes finding out that he keeps secret an ongoing, not one-time activity, she finds deplorable. She is asking whether to continue the relationship, so our answers should speak to that situation. If it is a deal-breaker for her, she should break it off now. The behavior will not change, nor will the secrecy surrounding it, without a major effort on his part, and she does not describe any willingness on his part to change.

Clearly the OP would not be doing anything wrong, if she were to consider this issue a deal-breaker. She has every right to leave the guy because of this issue, especially after more than a year of concealment. But then again she also has every right to stay and fight for the relationship. The fact of the matter is that neither of us knows what would be the best response in this situation, as it depends entirely on whether she is ready to deal with this issue and whether he is worthy of such an effort. While the rest of us can advice her to the best of our ability, it is for her decide.

Concerning the part about him being unwilling to change, I am not entirely sure you are right about that. It might be a lie on his part, but she clearly told us that he promised not to do it again. However I do agree that he needs to show continual willingness to re-earn her trust, and that they both need to focus on this issue (not necessarily the same as breaking off the relationship) instead of getting engaged.

God bless you
TL