Upset spouse - marital relations

[love4sure]

My husband and I have been very blessed and fertile. We have small children. That also has created a huge issue in our marriage.

My husband and I want to take a break from having kids. Pregnancies are very hard for me to deal with. Raising small children close in age is extremely difficult at times. Not enough space in the house. Not enough money. I am simply scared to get pregnant right now.

We know our obligation/duty and what’s expected of us as a married couple based on church teachings. However, I don’t like to get physically close to him because I’m always tired and don’t want to get him started and turn him down half way. My husband is extremely upset about not having relations.

My idea is to use NFP but I don’t know how well I can stick to it with little babies and ever-changing schedules. Usually i don’t even have the desire to have sex because of my fatigue and fear of getting pregnant. Those who have the same or similar issue, how do you handle it with your spouse?

 

[1ke]

With a schedule that changes, you might want to look at Marquette model NFP. It doesn’t rely so heavily on temperature, which requires taking at the same time and a certain number of hours of sleep.

 

[PaulGH]

Marquette is a very good suggestion. If you want to go even simpler, then I would recommend the Billings Ovulation Method. All it requires is that you check your cervical mucus each time you go to the bathroom, which according to my wife takes less than a minute, and then writing the results on a chart once a day. In other words, it’s not hard (at least once you get some practice at how to interpret the mucus sign), and it doesn’t require much time or a consistent schedule.

 

[casey_zia]

If you want to go even simpler, then I would recommend the Billings Ovulation Method. All it requires is that you check your cervical mucus each time you go to the bathroom, which according to my wife takes less than a minute, and then writing the results on a chart once a day. In other words, it’s not hard (at least once you get some practice at how to interpret the mucus sign), and it doesn’t require much time or a consistent schedule.

Get some good instruction–for your husband, too, so he understands what you are doing. And find a certified teacher–even via the internet–to help with your charting and understanding those charts. The Billings rules are simple, and it’s a method that will work throughout the rest of your fertile life! It’s about awareness of sensations (vaginal mucus), no temperatures, no internal exams.

What does your husband think about NFP and the required abstinence, regardless of the method? Living it out changes hearts–for both spouses. His generosity in denying himself when you are in a fertile time will change your heart to be generous towards him when you aren’t fertile, even if you are tired.

 

[DChokie84]

Obviously, I don’t post much, but I can certainly relate to how difficult it can be with young children. With a 6m old and 2 year old, I know it can be crazy stressful! As within my marriage, my hunch is that this goes deeper than just a single issue. In the bigger picture, this is really a communication issue. To help work through it, I would recommend trying to learn how truly different men and women are in terms of what they need to feel loved. Basically, women generally need to receive caring attention, true understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and continual reassurance, while men need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.

If you are anything like most people, my guess is that you aren’t getting the understanding, validation, and respect you need to feel loved. As a result of being and exhausted and stressed, you will, of course, try to share these feelings with your husband as this makes you feel better. Unfortunately, without a trained eye, your husband may see these feelings and think that they are all his fault, that he is the one causing you to be unhappy. He will then try to solve them for you, but in reality all you want is someone to listen to you and provide support without providing solutions and comments.

With regard to your specific issue, I think your husband is taking you refusal as a rejection and disapproval when you really don’t intend to give that message. I would recommend trying to make him feel needed, tell him you need him to watch the kids for a bit while you relax or go out with some friends. If he is willing, make sure to tell him how much you appreciate him and everything he does. Perhaps if you had a chance to get some time off and not feel stressed out all the time, you may, on occasion, be more in the mood to have relations.

You might want to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus if you ever get some time. I’ve found some good tips in there. Also, you might want to take any suggestions I make with a grain of salt as I’m a 27 male and dont really know much.

Hang in there!!

 

[love4sure]

With a schedule that changes, you might want to look at Marquette model NFP. It doesn’t rely so heavily on temperature, which requires taking at the same time and a certain number of hours of sleep.

Thank you, 1ke. I’ll look into that model. If it requires a certain amount of sleep though, it might be difficult for me as my sleeping patterns vary day to day.

 

[love4sure]

Marquette is a very good suggestion. If you want to go even simpler, then I would recommend the Billings Ovulation Method. All it requires is that you check your cervical mucus each time you go to the bathroom, which according to my wife takes less than a minute, and then writing the results on a chart once a day. In other words, it’s not hard (at least once you get some practice at how to interpret the mucus sign), and it doesn’t require much time or a consistent schedule.

Thank you, PaulGH. I’ll look into it. I think the NFP classes I took before the wedding went over the method you explained. I just need to learn it again.

 

[Castello]

I am a chronic insomniac, the mucous only methods worked for us for a couple of decades.

 

[love4sure]

:

What does your husband think about NFP and the required abstinence, regardless of the method? Living it out changes hearts–for both spouses. His generosity in denying himself when you are in a fertile time will change your heart to be generous towards him when you aren’t fertile, even if you are tired.

My husband understands NFP takes lots of effort and consistency on the wife’s end. He has been extremely generous about abstinence. In fact, we can probably count on one hand the times we had relations within the past year. I know it’s hard for him as a man at the prime age.

On the other hand, I don’t even have the desire. PERIOD. I love my husband and would love to show my generosity through intimacy…but I don’t even think about it anymore. Too busy, too tired, too embarrassed, and too scared. Those are my honest feelings…

 

[love4sure]

Obviously, I don’t post much, but I can certainly relate to how difficult it can be with young children. With a 6m old and 2 year old, I know it can be crazy stressful! As within my marriage, my hunch is that this goes deeper than just a single issue. In the bigger picture, this is really a communication issue. To help work through it, I would recommend trying to learn how truly different men and women are in terms of what they need to feel loved. Basically, women generally need to receive caring attention, true understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and continual reassurance, while men need to receive trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement.

If you are anything like most people, my guess is that you aren’t getting the understanding, validation, and respect you need to feel loved. As a result of being and exhausted and stressed, you will, of course, try to share these feelings with your husband as this makes you feel better. Unfortunately, without a trained eye, your husband may see these feelings and think that they are all his fault, that he is the one causing you to be unhappy. He will then try to solve them for you, but in reality all you want is someone to listen to you and provide support without providing solutions and comments.

With regard to your specific issue, I think your husband is taking you refusal as a rejection and disapproval when you really don’t intend to give that message. I would recommend trying to make him feel needed, tell him you need him to watch the kids for a bit while you relax or go out with some friends. If he is willing, make sure to tell him how much you appreciate him and everything he does. Perhaps if you had a chance to get some time off and not feel stressed out all the time, you may, on occasion, be more in the mood to have relations.

You might want to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus if you ever get some time. I’ve found some good tips in there. Also, you might want to take any suggestions I make with a grain of salt as I’m a 27 male and dont really know much.

Hang in there!!

Thank you, DChokie. You are right on many things. We do have communication problems that need to be solved. He does not think he is the cause of my feelings though. He listens to me complain, share my thoughts, and suggests ideas when I ask him for them. I just feel the gap between his desire to be intimate through sex and mine is getting bigger. I am reluctant to look around and see if my babies are awake when he approaches me. I think of my fertility as something negative when he wants to have sex. I feel really guilty when I know he simply has the need as a man to be satisfied after waiting for months and months without complaining…Just like you said, I know he feels rejected. He hates that…

 

[Castello]

My husband understands NFP takes lots of effort and consistency on the wife’s end. He has been extremely generous about abstinence. In fact, we can probably count on one hand the times we had relations within the past year. I know it’s hard for him as a man at the prime age.

On the other hand, I don’t even have the desire. PERIOD. I love my husband and would love to show my generosity through intimacy…but I don’t even think about it anymore. Too busy, too tired, too embarrassed, and too scared. Those are my honest feelings…

This is about way more than NFP… how sad to be embarrassed to have relations with your husband. Retrouvaille. Find the next weekend near you and book it.

retrouvaille.org/

 

[Rita77]

My husband and I have been very blessed and fertile. We have small children. That also has created a huge issue in our marriage.

My husband and I want to take a break from having kids. Pregnancies are very hard for me to deal with. Raising small children close in age is extremely difficult at times. Not enough space in the house. Not enough money. I am simply scared to get pregnant right now.

We know our obligation/duty and what’s expected of us as a married couple based on church teachings. However, I don’t like to get physically close to him because I’m always tired and don’t want to get him started and turn him down half way. My husband is extremely upset about not having relations.

My idea is to use NFP but I don’t know how well I can stick to it with little babies and ever-changing schedules. Usually i don’t even have the desire to have sex because of my fatigue and fear of getting pregnant. Those who have the same or similar issue, how do you handle it with your spouse?

I know how you feel I have a husband like yours and 4 kids close together. I had to just kept learning about nfp until I found something that work for me. my husband still isn’t happy about it sometimes.

**Saint Joseph is a great saint to pray to for intersection he knows a lot about abstinence (be married to the most beautiful perfect women virgin Mary) he can help husbands like ours. **

God will reward us for trusting in him so much with our fertility. I know its one of the hardest things to do. I will pray for you.:hug1:

 

[SummerSmiles]

Thank you, 1ke. I’ll look into that model. If it requires a certain amount of sleep though, it might be difficult for me as my sleeping patterns vary day to day.

This is exactly why this model would probably be the best one for you to learn. You take mucous readings throughout the day and record the most fertile sign you observe. It doesn’t matter how much sleep that you get at a time.

NFP is no easy road, though. It takes a few cycles to learn. I found that once I learned the method, it took a lot of the fear of getting pregnant out of our sex life. Anytime I started getting worried about being pregnant, I had my chart to look at and reassure myself with. I also learned a lot about trusting in God and His plan. It’s not without rewards as well. My husband struggled with the periodic abstinence for years. It took a ton of communication on both of our parts. But today, we’re both very happy with the method and what it has done to strengthen our marriage. The days we do get to be intimate are all the more sweeter because of the days when we must abstain. We’ve also learned other meaningful ways of expressing our love to one another. Keep praying for your husband.

 

[Debora123]

My husband understands NFP takes lots of effort and consistency on the wife’s end. He has been extremely generous about abstinence.** In fact, we can probably count on one hand the times we had relations within the past year.** I know it’s hard for him as a man at the prime age.

On the other hand, I don’t even have the desire. PERIOD. I love my husband and would love to show my generosity through intimacy…but I don’t even think about it anymore. Too busy, too tired, too embarrassed, and too scared. Those are my honest feelings…

You need to see a counseling priest and a professional therapist. This is very unhealthy for your marriage and very unfair to your husband as well as to yourself.

 

[smithec]

You need to see a counseling priest and a professional therapist. This is very unhealthy for your marriage and very unfair to your husband as well as to yourself.

Agreed, this is a very unhealthy fear to be harboring. Also, I think Dchokie84 has made some excellent comments. As a married father of 4 it becomes hard for us sometimes to still feel as if we are desired for anything more than our paycheck and cutting the lawn.

My wife and I have used NFP since our wedding night (both kept the big V till that night). we switched after our second child was born from CCL to Creighton (a billings derivative) and have had wonderful success with that method. It’s so easy even I know when the fertile time is beginning before she even asks me to record the days status on our chart. It helps both her and I to know what is and is not going to happen on any given night, which is a grave matter for us as she developed a life threatening complication during our most recent child’s pregnancy.

I recommend you find a good instructor in a cervical mucus method (don’t be put off by cost, this is your marriage we are talking about here), and take a series of classes. Don’t rely on a two hour pre-cana style session only as those are just an introduction. Our classes went on for 6 months twice a month with annual followups after that. Yes it was a couple hundred dollars total (far less than the pill would cost long term), but it was well worth the time and money to find a system that was easy and worked for us.

Feel free to PM or reply if you have any specific questions. I do hope you are able to find a good system and remove that fear from your life. God Bless.

 

[Castello]

Speaking of cost, if your insurance will cover fertility treatments, you will likely be covered for Creighton - they are a medical program and have the insurance billing codes.

 

[anp1215]

Do you use the cervical sign? Honestly, this is my “favorite” sign to use (for lack of a better term) because it’s the easiest for me to interpret. If you wish to use the Billings (mucous only method), this is a great way to “cross check,” so you are getting that extra security of relying on more than one sign.

It is really simple to check your cervix, and only takes a few seconds. It took me a few times to “find it,” but after that it was really easy. The NFP instructors taught us that a hard, closed cervix (infertile) feels like the tip of your nose, and a soft, open one (fertile) feels like the softness of your lips. I think the best place to check is in the shower, since you’re already undressed and your hands are clean. And of course, this sign doesn’t require a certain number of hours of sleep or a set time, though it is best to check in the afternoon or evening since you have not been laying down all night.

My NFP instructor also mentioned another bonus: she actually detected a growth on her cervix since she was so “familiar” with it, and had the growth removed surgically.

Anyway, I thought I would recommend this as another sign you can use to check fertility.