Upsetting mother in law

  • Thread starter Thread starter itrustinyoujesus
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I

itrustinyoujesus

Guest
I have been with my husband for 9 years. My MIL is a protestant who watches Jimmy Swaggart religiously. She believes the catholic church is evil and has told me the catholic church will bring me to hell. She has said many hurtful things over the years towards my catholic faith and I have spent a great deal of our relationship trying to please and satisfy her. What my MIL doesn’t know is that my husband converted to Catholicism 5 years ago, It’s something that we would never be able to tell her because she would be so upset if she knew. A year ago she told my husband that if we had another child she refuses to attend their baptism or go to anything in the catholic church. I am hurt by this but find this the better option because she has attended my little sisters communion before and mocked it the entire time. She is extremely disrespectful and believes its her way or the highway. I have put up with a lot through the years and I feel like I’m reaching my end. Our son is severely autistic and she has often said judgmental and hurtful things such as he is “playing a part” and he would speak if we did what the school did for him. She thinks hes well and capable of speaking even though hes been nonverbal with the exception of a few words for almost 9 years. For the times that I did confide in her with my sadness and fears for my son she has made me feel not so great. Mothers day was the last straw for me. I have my 8 year old son who is high risk for corona virus and my 76 year old aunt at home who is also high risk. She insists that we meet up for mothers day and is not extremely respectful of social distancing and boundaries. I asked to meet up in a public place, she actually thought this was silly and thought we should bbq in the backyard which I said no to. Upon meeting up I showed her the haircut I gave my son and was explaining how it was very difficult because he was screaming and crying and wouldn’t cooperate due to sensory issues. She began hysterical laughing and said that he looked like a cancer patient. I was flabbergasted but none of her children stood up to her. They were all shocked and my husbands sister said that he doesn’t but no one ever tells her what she is saying is inappropriate or wrong. I awkwardly laughed and said thats nice that you say that about your grandson and she continued to laugh and told me if she didn’t think I couldn’t take it she wouldn’t have said it. She doesn’t try very hard to have a close relationship with my son either but makes extra effort for my husbands brothers daughter who is neuro typical and speaks. She has said hurtful and insensitive things about children and adults with disabilities for years and I actually held back even telling her about his diagnosis for years to begin with. I am at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. I would like to move far away from her and limit contact as much as possible but I don’t want her to drive me out of my home state. I want to start putting my foot down with her and I just don’t know how. My husband feels the same way but the whole family is intimidated by her and won’t stand up to her.
 
Last edited:
I feel for you. I truly do. I have difficult relationships with some of my in-laws (some of it related to my son’s autism diagnosis), and it makes family life very difficult at times. My husband knows and understands that it is his responsibility to deal with his relatives. It makes things much easier for myself and the kids.

She is your husband’s mother. He needs to decide it is a problem and make up his mind deal with it. I think it is reasonable for you to set healthy boundaries until the problem is addressed. Tell him that you don’t think it is appropriate for your children to be around her until he addresses the problem, and stick to that.
 
Simply tell your husband that you cannot deal any more with this toxic behavior from his mom, and that you will no longer be around her yourself and that furthermore you don’t want the kids to be around her because of her inappropriate remarks about your son and about the religion that you are trying to raise your kids in. It’s his mom, let him deal with it, and you stand your ground and stay away from her and keep your kids away from her.

There is no reason to knock yourself out trying to please/ accommodate someone who is toxic and insensitive to you and your family.
 
Yes, pray for her, but keep your children and yourself safe! The woman is toxic. Let your husband visit her alone. You and your children have had enough of her toxic and cruel behavior.

Please, don’t take this pandemic lightly. To the best of your ability, keep your family safe.
God Bless!
 
Might not be a popular response - your husband should man up & sort it out.

He’s the man of the house as well as a husband & a father. He has a duty to care for and protect his family.

Honouring one’s mother does not give a free pass for said mother to treat one’s wife & child in any type of abusive or controlling manner.
 
I have a feeling this will a very popular bit of advice–imo the best!
 
If she were throwing physical punches, would you say something?

I’m assuming your son didn’t understand what was said about his haircut, but if he did, would you stay silent?

If she threw physical punches at your child… do you see what I’m getting at?

There is no such thing as a type of abuse that is “better” than another.

Time to tell her that your husband is Catholic and let HER take herself out of the picture. As hard as it is to set your foot down now, imagine how hard it will be to continue living like this for another 20 or 30 years.
 
itrustinyoujesus said:
I want to start putting my foot down with her and I just don’t know how.
Click to expand...
You start by realizing that “No.” is a complete sentence.

MIL: Let’s meet up for Mother’s Day.

Your husband: No.

MIL: but I want the family to gather on Mother’s Day.

Your husband: maybe next year. We aren’t comfortable with that this year.

MIL: but…

Your husband: no buts. We love you. But we aren’t doing in person get together. Would you like to talk by phone or FaceTime?

Repeat “no” and if she goes on a tirade, hang up.

Then you directly confront and stop bad behavior as it is happening.

MIL: ha ha ha, that haircut is ridiculous

Your husband: that’s a hurtful thing to say. I am disappointed in you. When you can be respectful and appropriate, give us a call. Until then we’ll be on our way.

Then pack up and leave.

The key to all of this is that you really can’t care what she or anyone else thinks about you. It’s your life, you have a right to live it and you have a right to demand that the people in it are respectful and supportive.

You really just need to put it back on her. “When you can be appropriate give us a call”. “When you can respect our parenting choices give us a call”.
“When you can respect our choice of religion give us a call.”

And the opposite:

“You made the choice to be disrespectful/mocking/hurtful (whatever), we’ll be going now/hanging up now/skipping this years event/unable to invite you to XYZ event until you are ready to have a different sort of relationship with us. Let us know when you are ready to talk.”

BTW— this isn’t easy. When I did this with my dad and stepmom 20ish years ago, we didn’t speak for probably 2-3 years. But then it was like a switch got flipped. They were ready to treat me differently, and they knew I meant business.
 
Last edited:
People do not have to be anti Catholic to be jerks.

Your husband and his siblings need to learn boundaries. “hidden conversion”, wow. She can get mad, that is not something an adult fears when making important, moral, spiritual decisions.

Do get some counseling and boundaries boundaries boundaries.
 
You got a husband problem if he’s allowing this woman to treat his wife and children this way. He needs to get on this. Either she acts right of she doesn’t get to come around.
 
Your husband needs to stand up to her and tell her to back off. I cant for the life of me understand why he would need to be so afraid of her. Is she paying your guys’ rent? Is he afraid she will cut him out of her will? Does he think it is a violation of the commandment to honor his parents if he stands up to her? Whatever the problem is, some boundaries need to be set or this woman will make you two miserable until The Lord calls her home. Now is the time to have courage.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Your husband needs to stand up to her and tell her to back off. I cant for the life of me understand why he would need to be so afraid of her. Is she paying your guys’ rent? Is he afraid she will cut him out of her will? Does he think it is a violation of the commandment to honor his parents if he stands up to her? Whatever the problem is, some boundaries need to be set or this woman will make you two miserable until The Lord calls her home. Now is the time to have courage.
Click to expand...
I also think it’s only putting off the inevitable.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top