Using God to convince

[Mt19_26]

My wife and I had some difficult times recently in which she became emotionally attached to someone else. After it was discovered we both agreed to make an attempt to save our marriage. During the recovery phase she told me her “attachment” was over and she would back that up by telling me how much she wanted the marriage, how remorseful she was for what she had done, and how she only wanted to do what God would want her to do. She said her main concern was God and her salvation and that she would never do anything again to put her salvation in jeopardy. Well…she later admitted that she never “let go” of this other person and was still attached to him. I feel as if she mislead me with what she kept telling me. Especially in regards to God…which bothers me alot. Was this a simple sin of lying or is it much worse because she use her faith to convince me that she was doing nothing wrong?

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Mt19:26:

Was this a simple sin of lying or is it much worse because she use her faith to convince me that she was doing nothing wrong?

If by “let go” you mean emotionally, then she may not know how to control that and she may have been stating an honest attempt to let go.

Whether she sinned by lying or worse is not specifically an issue. Unless she is physically unfaithful you are still married to her. Judging herbuys nothing.

I think a good strategy is to find out what needs your wife is getting fulfilled by this attraction and see if you can work together with her on the problem.

She might have been trying to convince herself as well as you there is nothing wrong, especially if you and she are not in the habit of discussing your feelings about deep things. Usually people don’t discuss their most personal feelings, even with their wives, because they are defensive and wounded. If that is a problem maybe you two need to go on a Marriage Encounter weekend. Also maybe find a spiritual director for one or both of you.

Just my :twocents:

Alan

 

[Steve_Andersen]

She may have been honest in her intentions but sometimes we don’t/can’t do what we say we are going to do

It is part of the human condition

The flesh is weak and all that … and so are the emotions for that matter

If you love her she is probably worth the benefit of the doubt

It hurts and takes a while…believe me I know…. But it is worth it

 

[Mt19_26]

AlanFromWichita:

Whether she sinned by lying or worse is not specifically an issue. Unless she is physically unfaithful you are still married to her. Judging herbuys nothing.

I guess the wording in my post might have seen like I was trying to judge her. What I was really seeking help on is how do I keep from doubting her at times. We are again trying to recover but even when I see her faith growing and I see her expressing that she wants the marriage work I sometimes become doubtful as to whether or not she’s being sincere. I saw her faith appear strong during the first unfaithfulness, and then even stronger when we tried to recover the first time. Now, I am alittle “gun shy” I guess.

 

[CARose]

May I recommend that rather than a Marriage Encounter weekend, that you and your wife consider Retrouvaille which is specifically targeted to couples who have marriages in distress (it even helps those who have already seperated and are merely going in with the hope of improving their communications while apart, and some couples even come back together after the program.)

May I recommend that you pray for her whenever you can, before you talk to her, while you’re talking with her, when you wake in the middle of the night next to her and when you’re away from her. Ask for your ability to forgive her, as you will be judged as you judge. Ask that she have a change of heart such that her extra-marital attachments be released. Pray that you learn to open up to her in the ways that she desires, so that the two of you can learn to be the loving couple you married to be.

God be with you,

CARose

 

[Windmill]

Pray for her, let her know that you are praying for her, and assume the best of intentions. Nothing can kill like suspicion.

I like the Marriage Encounter/Retrouvaille idea. Good call. Many times, people seek solace from another person besides thier spouse when communication breaks down. I find that I often have trouble expressing myself and sharing because I don’t have those skills. Marriage Encounter teaches you to communicate. That may be what she is seeking from a male companion.

Rich

P.S. Even if a person is “physically unfaithful”, they are still married to their spouse. I don’t know where the person above got the idea that the marriage would be invalid in God’s eyes.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Mt19:26:

I guess the wording in my post might have seen like I was trying to judge her. What I was really seeking help on is how do I keep from doubting her at times. We are again trying to recover but even when I see her faith growing and I see her expressing that she wants the marriage work I sometimes become doubtful as to whether or not she’s being sincere. I saw her faith appear strong during the first unfaithfulness, and then even stronger when we tried to recover the first time. Now, I am alittle “gun shy” I guess.

That is understandable, and thank you for the clarification.

From here it sounds like you need to know whether to keep a little bit of distance from her lest she hurt you again. It depends on your style, whether you like to tiptoe or jump right in. At all times the marriage should be bringing you closer, but if you’re not ready to give yourself fully, do it gradually starting from where you are. This can be as subtle as just holding a little emotional reserve, which it sounds like is your current strategy. Eventually one would hope that you will become one with your wife again, with no barriers between you: her with indicative track record and you with fear for her weakness and/or insincerity.

Ultimately one wishes to be completely vulnerable to his spouse without anxiety that she will hurt him. Without that vulnerability, honesty suffers because the truth can hurt.

Alan