Vasectomy

[taraeliz]

My husband and I are both catholics, as is our 3 year old son. When we married 6 years ago, neither one of us planned to have children. Since that time I have had 2 suprises - one that ended in a miscarriage. Last week my husband had a vasectomy even though he knew that I was against it. It isn’t that I want more children, but if that is in God’s design I wouldn’t have minded. I realize that when we married we were not planning on having kids, but since that time our lives have changed dramatically. Am I wrong for being upset? I just wish that he would have been willing to discuss the matter prior to the in-and-out surgery. Now I am finding myself less attracted to him physically and I feel VERY distant emotionally. I am going to counseling, but he feels that he doesn’t have a problem. I have no idea if I am being irrational with these feelings or if they are somehow justified. Thoughts?

 

[Tietjen]

My husband and I are both catholics, as is our 3 year old son. When we married 6 years ago, neither one of us planned to have children. Since that time I have had 2 suprises - one that ended in a miscarriage. Last week my husband had a vasectomy even though he knew that I was against it. It isn’t that I want more children, but if that is in God’s design I wouldn’t have minded. I realize that when we married we were not planning on having kids, but since that time our lives have changed dramatically. Am I wrong for being upset? I just wish that he would have been willing to discuss the matter prior to the in-and-out surgery. Now I am finding myself less attracted to him physically and I feel VERY distant emotionally. I am going to counseling, but he feels that he doesn’t have a problem. I have no idea if I am being irrational with these feelings or if they are somehow justified. Thoughts?

I am sorry that you are going through this. To answer your question simlpy, yes - you are justified in feeling the way you do. What your husband did was wrong. I will include you both in my prayers.

 

[JadensMom]

Some people will probably call me harsh for this, but in your situation I’d probably file for an annulment. I desperately want another child and for my husband to deny me in the manner you described wouldn’t just make me find him less physically attractive, it would pretty much emasculate him in my eyes.

You have to make your own decision, but to me a good man is a good father who wants to help his wife to motherhood as she wishes.

 

[KCT]

I am going to counseling, but he feels that he doesn’t have a problem. I have no idea if I am being irrational with these feelings or if they are somehow justified. Thoughts?

I hope you can find a Catholic counselor. I doubt the average secular therapist will have a problem w/ vasectomy. They may agree that a husband and wife should have discussed such a move, but it’s unlikely they will see it from a Catholic perspective.

And yes, I believe you should be upset. In marriage, 2 become 1 flesh. He has ignored that and made a huge decision based only on what he wants.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Some people will probably call me harsh for this, but in your situation I’d probably file for an annulment.

**Not harsh but maybe selfish? They have a 3 year old son. This is a problem, that with God’s grace, can be dealt with and overcome. It is not something that warrants destroying a little boys home!

**

 

[masondoggy]

I wouldn’t necessarily give advice to go out and file for an annulment, but it sounds to me like this is an invalid marriage to begin with because the couple was not open to life when the marriage took place.

My advice would be to seek counseling from a good priest.

And I certainly can understand your pain. I would be devastated if my husband did something like that against my wishes.

Prayers for you…

 

[taraeliz]

I had said that we didn’t PLAN to have children. I was told that I would be unable to have a child. Apparently God didn’t get that particular memo And I am very happy he didn’t. My son is a constant source of joy in my life. That is one reason among many that I am so upset. I feel that our home would have been a wonderful place for another child. I again would not be opposed to having another child, but I would have rathered God make that choice, not a doctor with a laser, and my husband without my consent.

 

[allhers]

I wouldn’t necessarily give advice to go out and file for an annulment, but it sounds to me like this is an invalid marriage to begin with because the couple was not open to life when the marriage took place.

My advice would be to seek counseling from a good priest.

And I certainly can understand your pain. I would be devastated if my husband did something like that against my wishes.

Prayers for you…

I agree with this advice, especially the part that I bolded.
What he did is NOT good. I am going to find that encyclical that one of the Pope’s wrote back in the sixties, I will be back to post a link to it. I think your husband needs to read it and then perhaps he will understand.

Pope Paul VI, Humanae vitae.
Here’s the link: vatican.va/holy_father/paul_vi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae_en.html

Pay particular attention to this part, but read it all, its awesome.
Married Love

1. In the light of these facts the characteristic features and exigencies of married love are clearly indicated, and it is of the highest importance to evaluate them exactly.

This love is above all fully human, a compound of sense and spirit. It is not, then, merely a question of natural instinct or emotional drive. It is also, and above all, an act of the free will, whose trust is such that it is meant not only to survive the joys and sorrows of daily life, but also to grow, so that husband and wife become in a way one heart and one soul, and together attain their human fulfillment.

It is a love which is total—that very special form of personal friendship in which husband and wife generously share everything, allowing no unreasonable exceptions and not thinking solely of their own convenience. Whoever really loves his partner loves not only for what he receives, but loves that partner for the partner’s own sake, content to be able to enrich the other with the gift of himself.
(my bold)