vent/vocation

[john78]

So,

This is kind of a mixed thread part venting part i dont know what…

I realized while in discernment i have to address and work on my anxiety, this after talking with my S.D/ the past month i have done way too much internal discerning, so much so i lost sleep over it and missed out on a few things i had the opprotunity to attend…

but it isnt as if anxiety rules my life, i have spouts of anxiety/panic attacks i guess in certain situations and it really blind sides me… i can be excited and ready to go to anything for an anology of your choice, and the next i freeze and cant move …

but this happens so rarely, so how detrimental is it, who knows, am i willing to work on it yes, win, lose or draw i dont want to have an anxiety/panic attack at every major event in my life or even on non events.

So I am moving forward on a bunch of fronts, with my S.D, just recently sought out for a vocations director, will be participating more at my parish and hopefully find some employment in some form or another soon, be it a paying job or even volunteer work.

and i tend to be some what of an introvert, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it is a negative aspect, just as the word propaganda is not confined as a negative.

And I realize everything I need to work on and have accepted a long time ago that I do have things to work on.

It just is what it is …

What I find odd though I have never felt odd/ anxiety/ out of place/ uncertain / the constant pressures of my life during mass or/ rather especially in adoration.

and “patience” is the only thing that enters mind during the brief moments of real silence in adoration when i am the only one in there.

and im like good grief i need more patience ? I have been praying for more patience with my parents/ with myself in general and now being in discernment instead of some overwhelming calling that i can not deny, the word patience is what struck me the most.

I have had other striking thoughts or phrases enter my mind at times which I cant over think on but merely tuck away to reflect upon at a later time when there is some clarity or reference or a situation i can use to better understand why things pop up in my head.

whispers is more what i can relate it to if anything, how there is some scripture passage of someone trying to hear God, and all these loud events happened around the person yet it was not God trying to speak to the person, but a whisper in the wind came to the person and it was God…

And I can’t help but think how much eaiser it is to hear loud things, rather than a whisper where one can only hope that he or she is not going mental.

though to be fair God doesn’t whisper to people to do irrational or bad things, so why does he need to say it loudly …

I will say this though, finding out the process of what it takes to get into a seminary is frustrating, one would think there would be a website from the vatican, your local parish, detailing everything…

how long it is suggested one spends in discernment with a spritual director/vocations director, how there is a process of going through background checks, psychological exams, writting essays, how long it could take to hear back from a seminary to find out if you are accepted or not, that one might go to a formation house before the seminary.

all these kinds of things took me about a month to figure out, and i had to literally pull the information out of people.

The only thing i am happy about is that it is a very long process, and i relate to my time in the army, how it took nothing but a passing score on the asvab test, some generic questions from a recuiter, sign the dotted line and off you go, pending what you want to get into you can be off on your way in a month or if you choose the Navy you could wait up to a year or more before getting in due to the mass amount of applicants.

I am greatful to know that people care in regards to discerning, that there are people to work with.

and that most important, it isn’t up to me… a person can choose how to serve in the military pretty much right up until they sign the dotted line…

but what i am looking at now is out of my hands, all i can do is say i am here, and follow things until the end.

I have had the opprotunity to meet some seminarians in my town, a great group of guys , very kind and welcoming, non judgemental, no pressure or interrogating, it felt like i had been with friends i had known for a long time.

I also like that fact that there is no commitment at this point in time in my life, and that there is no failure if it turns out i am not called.

and how true that is… how can anyone fail for not being called into a religious vocation if that person has at least attempted to step forward and say here i am… versus those who could be called and ignore or dont even try to step forward for what ever reason…

so from now till i hear from this vocational director i am working on making sure i can properly address and handle anxiety/ and what ever degree of introvertness i have, being more sociable and moving forward.

And I am greatful for this forum, it is hard to be open about ones faith when there is either no one to talk to about it or the people you know just dont care or just dont want to talk about faith in any form.

 

[jpjd]

Best wishes to you in your discernment, John. You are lucky that you have a spiritual director to help you! Prayers for you.

 

[john78]

I am a little concernd , if there is a shortage of priests, are vocation directors pushing through those who really shouldnt move forward in the process of discernment towards a seminary ?

I imagine a bishop has final say of who moves forward into a seminary, so that is reassuring , i just hope that even though I am moving forward in discernment, that i am not given some kind of pass to enter into a seminary just because there is a lack of priests.

I think i could make for a wonderful priest, if i can transform my life to where it needs to be to properly serve God in this manner.

one doesn’t enter the military as a full blown solider, one has to train and study and then take further training for a proper M.O.S …

and during all that time, life happens, and either you adapt and move forward, or you dont and muster out.

right now i have two things to work on, anxiety, and being some what shy or introvertness… I work well in small groups, and one on one with people, but i tend to shy from being the first one to introduce myself in large social groups and do not really seek to meet new people, though i open up rather easily once i do so some how meet people face to face and become comfortable around them and start building trust.

and i am discussing all of this with my vocation director/ and spiritual director…

realizing they are human just like any of us, i have to be on my toes and aware that im not moving forward based on desperation from a lack of priests or what have you, but that this is a real calling, that i am being tested from all sides.

i am really reaching out for as much information as possible, disgarding information that doesn’t apply to me, and really trying to grow in a better understanding of why in the world I matter to God, and why he could possibly want me to serve him in such a manner of a religious vocation.

The easy answer is because He Loves me, but big deal God Loves everyone, I am trying to grasp on a personal level, one on one, what is so special about me that God is even bothering. Because the truth is the world won’t stop turning with out me, yet trying to understand what gifts God has given me is kind of hard for me to understand at the moment, then to try and wrap my head around the reasons why, and my purpose and mission in life.

maybe i will never understand and maybe i am not ment to understand, but to probably trust God to the best of my ability and to do the best I can with what i do understand is probably all i can honestly do.

 

[john78]

anxiety, first meeting coming up with Vocations Director this weekend, not really sure what to expect… figure this kind of nervousness/anxiety is normal… though found it odd to be offered to spend the weekend out on location where chruch function is being held…

didn’t really want to pack my bags and make a weekend trip for first i guess introductions…

trying to not over think things…

I would like to think I could serve our Lord very well in this vocation, i guess i am cautiously optomistic, and rather hesitant because history proves, that those who are called, are not called to live an easy life in a religious vocation, as beautiful and wonderful a religious vocation is, those who serve also face persecution, ridicule, martyrdom , all sorts of struggles… and that is probably what is concerning me now, wondering if push comes to shove will i be able to carry on in truth.

I was able to make it out of the army with all my fingers and toes, even though i served in peace time, i paid a price, i lost a lot and gained very little.

where as in a religious vocation, I have to completely turn myself over to God and truely learn to Trust in Him, and in this discernment process , i think i am having to learn now how to do just that.

 

[john78]

well I have been getting a good bit of views, hopefully someone can give me some insight…

I had some great answers regarding prayer under moral theology section…

and I guess a concern i see in myself while in discernment is a lack of daily prayer, and maybe partially it is due to lazyness, part not fully grasping the concept of a relationship with God through prayer, and also being unemployed, one would think okay being unemployed, plenty of time to pray and look for a job all at the same time…

and really if i wasnt bouncing in the wind like a leaf and could be more decisive, and passionate about anything I would be doing so many things right now starting tomorrow.

Going to morning mass, doing some yard work, some exercising, look for more places to put in for employment, house chores.

etc.

and i look at myself and wonder how much is lazyness, how much is being an introvert, how much is mental, how much is just me being lost and uncertain…

I tried being a tad social today, went out to local sports bar, middle of the day downtown, not very busy, so it was a good place to go get a drink and shoot some pool, and i did just that, but being as empty as the place was, i had a chance to be socialable with the bartender, yet i couldn’t bring myself to try and strike up a conversation,so i just enjoyed my drink, shot some pool and was on my way… I stepped out of my comfort zone by doing something that when i was in the army was the norm for me, and I would have chatted up the bar tender easily, but that isn’t me anymore, i couldn’t strike up a conversation, and it wasnt as if i didnt want to, i just had nothing to talk about and didnt feel like talking about the weather. so on one hand i achieved something on the other i missed an opprotunity as well.

it was nice to be out for a change of pace, and looked into some art stuff downtown as well for an event coming up.

So it just led me to think, can I change my life around ?

I see the potential i have in a religious vocation, i want to change but with out a proper support system it will be challenging, and i realize i am going to have make new friends but friends that are also in discernment who can help me break out so to speak.

I have stopped trying to socialize and make new friends because the only way i know how is through sport bars and drinking and the downtown scene… with the sarcasim, crude behaviour, etc…

I am going to give things at least a chance, socially interacting with people i have to move a bit slower than others, i know my limits and i am trying to work in those limits and break out when i can and am comfortable.

and i am comfortable with art, i like discussing it, being involved with it, but even then i am not very passionate about it and i am actually fairly good at it … yet finding people in this world that i connect with or want to is still awkward.

I feel like I am caught between worlds, trying to desperatly fit in somewhere and just not fitting in anywhere, and wanting to make the world a better place while i am at it.

I feel like i got left behind some where and here i am wondering what am i going to do, how am i going to keep things in check, fix things that need to be fixed , adapt and overcome , keep my faith strong and keep growing in faith in God.

but

i dont know if i can change my life around and adapt to a new lifestyle fast enough.

i really dont know if i should really even try, but I am forcing myself to try, because i dont want to come back into discernment again later down the road, waffeling back and forth.

I want to see this through, and if it isn’t ment to be then fine at least I will know…

I see my vocation director this weekend, and from there we shall see what happens.

 

[jpjd]

Vocations Directors and bishops do not push men through just to ease the priest shortage. If that were the case, we would not have a shortage right now.

Just as the man discerns the priesthood, the Church discerns the man as well. It serves no one to have a man in seminary and priesthood who is not suited for it. I personally know of two men from my parish who were interested in the seminary, who discerned them out; one for academic reasons and the other I believe for personality reasons.

Good luck with your meeting this weekend, and again, prayers for you.

 

[john78]

well life is coming to a screaching hault very fast for me …

my anxiety is a bigger problem than i thought, and will need to be addressed first before i can continue discerning.

my meeting with the vocations director this weekend did not go well, due to it was an informal meeting, a summer end outing for brothers leaving a summer formation house preparing to return to their respective seminaries. my anxiety was the major issue, other things that happened during the event that i did not enjoy or found conflicting are merely miniscule compared to what i have come to realize.

but things that i did notice while i was there by the vocations director, another priest, and the young men and men there, quickly affected me . only one person there really gave me some solid insight, everything else i saw was immaturity from young people, just being young… everything else is debateable and not worth debating because i see so much, i see my perceptions and i know i can not put that on someone else and say shame on you because i think you are wrong. I also tend to spot actors, and then i have to ask myself is this person really putting on an act , or am i in a new environment and these people have something going for them that i am not use to. what I went through is a mix of both that i would have to get into further details into which; i mean why bother.

and i realize that once i have addressed my anxiety and get it undercontrol, the second thing i will have to do is be prepared to accept the mistakes others make and move forward and past it as they help me move forward in discernment. An last would be coming to terms that I would have to be willing to accept that I would never be allowed a relationship with a woman outside the confines of any vows in the end that would be sworn on my part.

If I even can get to a true discernment.