Very Delicate Situation

[PiusXIII]

What I am about to describe concerns 3 close friends of mine. I will change their names here for their privacy.

Last night my good friend (we’ll call him Ted) told me of a situation I was not previously aware of and which disturbed me very much.

Ted has a girlfriend, Barb. We also have an old female friend, Angie.

Apparently about a month ago at a party, Ted, Barb and Angie—possibly under the influence of alcohol—began talking about sharing a sexual experience together–the 3 of them. Apparently at some point in the party, Ted went to his room and found Barb and Angie on the bed together engaging in sexual acts.

Since this has happened, he and Barb have seen Angie many times----nothing like that has happened again but apparently they have decided that in the near future they would share in such activities again.

Although it sounds like Ted was the one who encouraged this activity amonth the 2 women, now it sounds like he’s regretting it. Anytime Barb and Angie are in the same room together alone, he becomes insanely jealous. He and Angie were always close (platonic) friends but he stated now he didn’t trust her because of her “bad influence” on Barb.

I was dumbfounded by this revelation and was unsure of what to say in response.

I did tell him that’s why, regardless of the immorality of it, open relationships like that are just not practical—because someone always ends up hurt and jealous.

I feel this was not a good enough answer and I also have a feeling this subject will come up with him again soon—can anyone give me any tips of how I can tell him how wrong and hurtful this act was to him and all his relationships? Is there a book anyone might recommend? I don’t know if he’d listen anyway—he is Catholic but hasn’t attended Mass in a long time. But I feel like I should do something to make it clear that I don’t approve of some of the choices he and his girlfriend have made and that they are hurting themselves by doing the things they have been doing.

 

[Magicsilence]

First, of all, are all three “lost catholics”, because if so then the process to salvation is a lot easier. This situation does indeed have to be handled delicately. I would make it very clear you do not approve of the situation. If they are indeed your friends I would have thought that they would know of your position with the catholic faith. Remember the key is not to criticize but show the light, if even one was a catholic at one point then it should be a lot easier than if they werent. Talk to them and find out the root of the problem.

 

[martino]

Why cant Ted just tell his Barb that he doesnt want either of them having sex with Angie anymore. This may cause Barb to leave Ted for Angie but quite frankly…he deserves it!

Getting Ted and Barb to stop having sex with each other is more difficult but I guess you can only tackle one thing at a time.

 

[felra]

Personally, why beat around the bush with someone that you have an established relationship with. If this is a close friend who values your friendship, why should he not value/respect the opinion of your Catholic conscience and beliefs? Why not call a spade a spade. If you don’t, then who exactly who is going to talk straight with this friend of yours? In fact, as I write this, I recall your recent response to me on one of my threads to “call the sin by its name”. In fact, I went back and found your original post which I believe is very good advice back at you for the current situation confronting you: Re: Help!..surrounded by fornicating, cohabitating neighbors.

As a secondary consideration, I would seriously reconsider my “close” relationship with these folks. You may find yourself “catching” what they have if they persist in this decadent behavior as indicative of a spiritual malady. Be cautious and careful. Keep Jesus between yourself and them in no uncertain terms; and if they are Catholic, then also in spoken terms for the sake of their souls.

 

[fix]

PiusXIII:

I did tell him that’s why, regardless of the immorality of it, open relationships like that are just not practical—because someone always ends up hurt and jealous…

Actually, from a secular standpoint I can’t see how one can argue this is wrong when most folks except fornication and sodomy are perfectly acceptable. The problem is not that folks get hurt or jealous, that is true in all types of human relations.

 

[Benedictus]

Ted needs to figure out what to do on his own. If he can’t do that, then he really shouldn’t be dating. The last thing people should do in a situation like this is ask others for advice.

 

[space_ghost]

PiusXIII:

What I am about to describe concerns 3 close friends of mine. I will change their names here for their privacy.

Last night my good friend (we’ll call him Ted) told me of a situation I was not previously aware of and which disturbed me very much.

Ted has a girlfriend, Barb. We also have an old female friend, Angie.

Apparently about a month ago at a party, Ted, Barb and Angie—possibly under the influence of alcohol—began talking about sharing a sexual experience together–the 3 of them. Apparently at some point in the party, Ted went to his room and found Barb and Angie on the bed together engaging in sexual acts.

Since this has happened, he and Barb have seen Angie many times----nothing like that has happened again but apparently they have decided that in the near future they would share in such activities again.

Although it sounds like Ted was the one who encouraged this activity amonth the 2 women, now it sounds like he’s regretting it. Anytime Barb and Angie are in the same room together alone, he becomes insanely jealous. He and Angie were always close (platonic) friends but he stated now he didn’t trust her because of her “bad influence” on Barb.

I was dumbfounded by this revelation and was unsure of what to say in response.

I did tell him that’s why, regardless of the immorality of it, open relationships like that are just not practical—because someone always ends up hurt and jealous.

I feel this was not a good enough answer and I also have a feeling this subject will come up with him again soon—can anyone give me any tips of how I can tell him how wrong and hurtful this act was to him and all his relationships? Is there a book anyone might recommend? I don’t know if he’d listen anyway—he is Catholic but hasn’t attended Mass in a long time. But I feel like I should do something to make it clear that I don’t approve of some of the choices he and his girlfriend have made and that they are hurting themselves by doing the things they have been doing.

…first i want to commend you for at least being honest enough with your friends to confirm that the weapon they are toying with can destroy them mentally, emotionally, physically and most importantly spiritually…

…realistically, i feel they know right from wrong, but like most, human weakness draws them into sin… freewill is a gift from God, but a gift to do great, good, and courageous things with…

…if they turn that into sin… well, they will have to come to terms with that and it will have to be their decision…

…continue to be the good friend that you obviously are. When asked, be honest, even if it cost you their friendship… continue to remind them what they already know…

the rest is up to them and their conscience…

I wish you pardon and Peace, and most of all i wish you the return of good, healthy, happy, repentant and thankful friends…

Life if way to short to risk on such behavior…

 

[Saint_Andrew]

Hello

For a start Ted has got you involved in this, in a delicate way you should tell him you do not approve of it, if not then end the friendship, like mentioned above, do not fall into sin.

The seeds of evil are around us.

God Bless
Saint Andrew.

 

[The_Angelus]

Well, it sounds like Ted is really in a pickle. And, to be honest, he’s not exactly blameless.

The thing he has to do is strengthen his morals. And nobody says that’s easy. But he has to be strong enough to tell Barb that 1) he thinks it’s wrong, 2) he wants no part of it, and 3) he doesn’t want her cheating on him - even with another woman, or maybe especially with another woman! Somehow he has got to stand up to her. Not only that, but he has to do what he believes in, which is another not-easy thing.

My best suggestion, Pius, is for you to encourage him to be strong in his beliefs. That he is regretful is progress and should be encouraged. Don’t pound a bible or anything - just get him to think about this: does he really want a 3-person relationship, or do he and Barb want to stay together and share a personal love?

Best of luck.

 

[puzzleannie]

if you are going to use this space to speculate about the sexual sins of third parties, could you please indicate this in your title so we don’t waste our time joining you in your voyeurism. thank you.