Very depressed.. need advice

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darkangel123

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Long story short, I’m a 24 year old catholic woman from India and my parents want me to have an arranged marriage even though they know that I am in love with this amazing catholic man. They consider marrying for love as shameful - it has to do with Indian culture.
The fact that my boyfriend is not settled yet doesn’t help. He is pursuing one of the toughest courses in India (the pass percentage is fixed to something below 10% and results are altered to suit the percentage. Yes it is unfair and there is nothing we can do about it)and has come up to the final level. He has even passed one half of the final level and only one more part is remaining. He is going to write the final part this May and the results will be out in July. So that is another 6 months to go.

Now the problem is, there is no guarantee that he will pass the next time because these results like I said are unpredictable. He has been struggling with the final level since 2014 and only this month , after a lot of prayer and sacrifice from both of us, he managed to pass the first part. I am so thankful to God for making him pass.
But my parents on the other hand, are citing this as the reason to reject him saying that I am growing old and should get married before I turn 25 this year end. All of our friends and relatives are asking why I am not married yet and this adds fuel to their anger. My boyfriend will definitely settle in another one year at the most (when I would still be 25) and we could get married. But my parents are not willing to accept this and have started looking out for guys for me.
I have stopped arguing because it makes my life hell as I live with them and we all work together as well. I asked them to go ahead and try and find someone for me hoping that God would save me from getting into a forced marriage. I told my dad clearly that I will not be happy with anyone else and if they forcefully get me married to someone else it will not be a marriage because I will not mean my vows. He seemed ok with that as long as I toe the line.

Now my question is, I see a lot of my friends getting married/engaged to their boyfriends and it makes me wonder, why not me? Why aren’t things working out for me like how it has for others? My parents say that , this is because it’s God’s Will that I should not marry my boyfriend. If that is the case, then why did God make me meet and fall in love with him, that too very deeply? All good things come from God, so does love. Why did this happen to me if it is not meant to be? I really love my boyfriend and he loves me too. We both are so compatible. Only my parents and these exams are standing in the way. My parents I can handle only if he passes these exams but that is also not in our hands. Why should this happen to me? This thought is making me very depressed. I cannot think about breaking up with my boyfriend , it completely shatters me. Then why aren’t things working out for us? Now that he has passed one part, things have definitely improved but my parents are not willing to wait. And the reason they say is that other people are questioning them.
Another problem is, I go to mass everyday and my parish priest says that obeying my parents is doing God’s will. Since I am seeing my boyfriend without their approval, I am disobedient to them and hence to God. In today’s sermon, he even told that all prayers and sacrifices are meaningless if there is no obedience and I know that he was talking to me. Is this true? The way he talks is also very forceful and he is one of the most bigoted persons I have met because he openly told me that the community my boyfriend belongs to is cunning and therefore he should not be trusted. This makes me feel like stopping to go to church all together.
 
I’m sorry for your pain. The first thing that came to mind while reading your post was, do your parents realize that if you are forced into a marriage you don’t want to be in, that sets up the marriage to be invalid and worthy of annulment in the eyes of the Church?
 
I suggest you read the catechism regarding the 4th commandments which very clearly states that adult children DO NOT owe “obedience” to parents and the choice of a spouse and a vocation is the adult child’s not the parents.

Forced marriages are invalid. Do not enter a forced marriage.

I think you need to be prepare for your boyfriend not passing the exam. Decide how you two move forward in marriage without whatever that exam brings, it is not the end of the world. If you both have jobs, then move forward with marriage.

I know culturally things are different there, so you also have to be prepared for the social consequences of going against your parents.
 
It sounds as though you have two choices: let your parents pick a husband for you, or marry the man you want. I would not assume that God picked your boyfriend for you. That was your choice and it will be your choice whether or not to marry him. Don’t assume that he will be successful at the career he wants, he may have to make another choice. Are you willing to wed “for richer or for poorer?” Are you willing to walk away from your parents if they disapprove of your choice?
 
As others have said, an enforced marriage is unacceptable in the Church. So unless you agree to have your folks choose a husband for you, the conflict with them is inevitable. Don’t let it scare you.

That said, “falling in love” is not per se a sign of God’s will, but often just young people being young.

Are you ok with, and practically prepared for, BF never passing his exam, and so having to settle for a career presumably lower than his dream? More important, does he have a plan B? This scenario occurs every day even in less conservative countries.

If so, then go ahead.

If not, then breathe and pull back. 25 is still quite young. You have time.

ICXC NIKA
 
Yes my parents are aware that forced marriages are invalid in the eyes of the church and that the church explicitly states that children should choose their career and spouse , but they refuse to follow that telling that it is not relevant for India. They say that as long as I promise to keep mum and act happy for others, they are okay(even if I am unhappy, they are fine with me putting a show for others in a forced marriage) They are of the opinion that I will start falling my my husband after I get married to him, seeing that there is no way out (divorce is taboo) .

Yes, I know that falling in love is not a sign from God, but what I meant was good things come from God, so falling in love is not a bad thing (as opposed to what my parents say)

As for his career, I am sure that he will make it. It may not be soon, but eventually, say in another 2 years, he will make it. I will help him make it because I have passed the exams that he is attempting now.
For richer , for poorer, yes. I would rather be with him than with anyone else.

Yes, we are young but in my country this is already too old. People my age are having babies now. So my parents are getting anxious that things are getting delayed for me and so are pressuring me to have an arranged marriage.
 
Such exams have only become more and more competitive over the years. I wrote AIEEE in 2005 and passed more by God’s grace than by any efforts of mine. Your boyfriend may not be writing this exam but, as GEddie mentioned, I do hope he has a plan B just in case.

Yes, there is this idea from the more traditional minded in our Indian culture that has parents getting their daughters married off as soon as they earn their college degrees. It may sound strange to those in other countries yet it still happens here. I’ve seen it among my own relatives and, sadly, it is not easy to change that mindset. Still, I hope and pray that you will not be pressured into marrying anyone against your wishes. You do have time but your relatives talk may not really help you. FYI one of my sisters got married at 27.

I’ll pray for you and your parents and also for your boyfriend’s success.
 
darkangel123 said:
Yes my parents are aware that forced marriages are invalid in the eyes of the church and that the church explicitly states that children should choose their career and spouse , but they refuse to follow that telling that it is not relevant for India. They say that as long as I promise to keep mum and act happy for others, they are okay(even if I am unhappy, they are fine with me putting a show for others in a forced marriage) They are of the opinion that I will start falling my my husband after I get married to him, seeing that there is no way out (divorce is taboo) .

Yes, I know that falling in love is not a sign from God, but what I meant was good things come from God, so falling in love is not a bad thing (as opposed to what my parents say)

As for his career, I am sure that he will make it. It may not be soon, but eventually, say in another 2 years, he will make it. I will help him make it because I have passed the exams that he is attempting now.
For richer , for poorer, yes. I would rather be with him than with anyone else.

Yes, we are young but in my country this is already too old. People my age are having babies now. So my parents are getting anxious that things are getting delayed for me and so are pressuring me to have an arranged marriage.
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Well, I guess it all comes down to a choice: your parents’ happiness or yours. As far as the 4th Commandment, you, as an adult, are not obligated to obey your parents. It is your parents who are going against the Commandment and the Church by interfering in the life of an adult child. If you go against them, you will face their anger, guilt, disownment, etc. If you obey them, you will likely be miserable for the rest of your life. Rest assured that God says, “A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” Here in the states, pre-Cana courses state that the relationship between husband and wife trumps all other human relationships. You must ask yourself, “Am
I going to choose my boyfriend/potential husband or my parents?”
 
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