Vocation and wideness in mercy?

[MtLevi]

I’ve perused a number of “wrong/missed/ignored vocation” threads. I’ve done more than my fair share of backwards discernment and feel that I have ignored a call to monastic life. My discernment period was fraught with fear, confusion and traumatic interactions. (I’ll admit I was really angling for marriage.) I did feel some peace thinking about monastic life, but I felt most like myself when I was looking for a wife. I found a tremendous woman just over 10 years ago. We have 3 beautiful children now. I still get “ants in the pants” anxiety about rushing over to a monastery. My pastor and deacon have reassured me that God doesn’t work that way.

So, if I am in fact living a less than “ideal” vocation for myself, then I’d be living apart from His Will, correct?

If so, then is our marriage (not in His Will, but allowed) and our children (not in His Will, but allowed) from Satan?

In regards to wideness in mercy, is there really wideness in it? Vocation writings from the saints sound rather dire (and pretty terrifying) compared to some of the reassurances made by fellow posters on this forum.

Right about now, I’m feeling rather irredeemable.

Prayers, insights…
Thanks.

 

[MtLevi]

Ok, so I was in a dark place yesterday when I composed this. Our marriage and children are not from Satan. No way, no how.

My other questions still stand though.

 

[MtLevi]

I guess I’ll carry on. Today was another disturbing day, mentally. It’s like the Holy Spirit is coaching me on how my marriage is going to, well, be no more. That I’m not the father my children deserve or need and that my wife will find another husband who’ll treat her and my children much better. I’m going to have to suffer greatly in order to make it to Heaven.

You know, I thought it was supposed to be metaphorical, Matthew 19:29 and Luke 18:29-30

Matthew
“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.”

Luke
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times more in this age—and in the age to come, eternal life.”…

But it’s sounding like it’s meant to be LITERAL for me. When I 1st read it as a kid, I took it literally and it disturbed me.

Certainly not how I envisioned life. Some light and easy yoke/burden.

 

[otjm]

I am not sure, when reading your posts, if this is a matter that you have a fantasy vision of monastic life, or if there is a need for some counseling.

Monastic life looks enticing - decades ago I talked with the Trappists. Later reflection (and reading) indicated that monastic life is anything but easy. Instead of having one person to live with, you have a whole bunch of them, and there is no “getting away” from the ones who rub you the wrong way.

It is is also a life over which you have very little control; you are under the authority of the abbot (and anyone else who may be in one way or another your superior); your life can be extremely regimented, and in either situation, you will have to struggle with who you are, and how you need to change. I think the term “metanoia” applies to both situations - monastic and marriage.

No one is the “father your children need or deserve”. Some are better fathers than others; but each child is a unique individual, and what you do with one may not work with the other. And having raised children, I can guarantee there will be times you truly will wonder why you ever started down that path. That does not mean it is not a path God intended, or that you cannot find salvation in it.

That does not mean you are not doing the will of God.

It has been said that we are all presented with opportunities - including vocations - and that if you do not choose to go through one door, God will provide you another. Some people seem to have absolutely clear and unhesitating understanding of their vocation - what they are called to do. Others, not so much; but we all make choices, and are then faced with the reality of living out those choices as best we can, to do God’s will as best we can discern it. And that includes those times where we may well feel we are totally lost and wandering.

You have a wife and children, That is now your vocation - to do your best to help them get to heaven. Time to “buck up” and get on with it. Whether monasticism was a vocation you might have been called to or was just a “dream”, it no longer is. Spending time ruminating over what “might have been” is wasted time you could be spending dealing with the vocation you have.