Vocation doubts

[milkybar_kid]

From an early age I have been attracted to the priesthood, in particular the Jesuits. I am nearing the end of university and treating my potential vocation more seriously.
However, I have worries and it could be helpful to hear your thoughts?

Firstly, priest mentors have asked me to consider the content of the simple vows: obedience, chastity, poverty. My reaction is quite positive! I am not materialistic and although I am not a virgin, I view celibacy as a necessary sacrifice to serve God. Obedience could be challenging because my life is currently at its autonomic peak! (student life miles from home)

In the end, two things bother me:

• I cannot come to terms with sins I have comitted and do not know how I can repent satisfactorily.
• I feel that deciding to become a priest would be selfish in itself, because as well as answering the call, it would be partly out of desire for self fulfillment. Selfishness through selflessness if that makes sense?

 

[Hidden_One]

In the end, two things bother me:

• I cannot come to terms with sins I have comitted and do not know how I can repent satisfactorily.

Speak to your confessor/spiritual director, and obey his (I assume that the spiritual director you may have would be a priest, given your situation) direction on this. To repent satisfactorily is merely to have contrition - preferably perfect contrition - and to go to Confession, and confess. Then do your penance. (I suspect that you have already done these things.) Then you’re good. If you wish to do additional penance, again, mention this to and defer to your confessor/spiritual director.

• I feel that deciding to become a priest would be selfish in itself, because as well as answering the call, it would be partly out of desire for self fulfillment. Selfishness through selflessness if that makes sense?

If God is calling you to the priesthood, it would be the ultimate in selfishness and pride to refuse His call. Does He not know what He is doing? I shall quote St. Jean-Baptiste-Marie Vianney: “The priest is not a priest for himself, he is a priest for you.” To live the priestly life is to offer yourself totally to God. Insofar as a particular priest is selfish, he is directly failing in his vocation.

Remember also that desires which are not evil - such as the desire for fulfilment - do not render improper the undertaking of tasks which are also not evil, particularly when these are tasks which you have been commanded to undertake. Thus, you cannot dismiss the priesthood at this time; IF it is your vocation, you can only do harm by fleeing from it on any account.

I will leave you with another quotation from the aforementioned Patron Saint of Priests.

“There are no two good ways of serving God. There is only one: serve him as he desires to be served.”

 

[skallal]

Hey Milky,

HiddenOne is right that sins are no excuse to not answer God’s call. What I mean is, if God can call Augustine after he lived with a woman for 14 years and had a kid, he calls you too. You, like Augustine, can decide that your life is starting anew. You’re taking a new direction, and you’re not interested any more in that old stuff you used to do. You may have done some things in the past that you would never do again. Why? Because you’re a different person now, you’ve matured, and it’s time to move on to what really matters… God.

As far as desiring self fulfillment, that’s not selfishness, it’s self love, you know “**Love **your neighbor as yourself.” As C.S. Lewis notes, that’s a pretty crummy law if we’re supposed to despise ourselves. You’re meant for GLORY, and if you go for glory then that’s the best thing there is. If it makes you feel better, you’ll suffer plenty on the way to self fulfillment, ok? Trust me.

 

[anode]

From an early age I have been attracted to the priesthood, in particular the Jesuits. I am nearing the end of university and treating my potential vocation more seriously.
However, I have worries and it could be helpful to hear your thoughts?

Firstly, priest mentors have asked me to consider the content of the simple vows: obedience, chastity, poverty. My reaction is quite positive! I am not materialistic and although I am not a virgin, I view celibacy as a necessary sacrifice to serve God. Obedience could be challenging because my life is currently at its autonomic peak! (student life miles from home)

In the end, two things bother me:

• I cannot come to terms with sins I have committed and do not know how I can repent satisfactorily.
• I feel that deciding to become a priest would be selfish in itself, because as well as answering the call, it would be partly out of desire for self fulfillment. Selfishness through selflessness if that makes sense?

You really need to talk about this one w/ your spiritual director and or a Jesuit that you have taken into your confidence . In addition to the usual prayer penances, you might consider some sort of *restitution, *such as money, or services, to atone for sin to the individual or an institution. something that will really be a penance. If you have treated someone badly, you can atone to that person with something that is a real penance for you.

Re the second, there is nothing wrong with enjoying your work or feeling fulfilled by it. Some people actually enjoy doing good . Virtue is supposed to be liberating, and for many it is.

I am glad that you are interested in the Jesuits. I have a high regard for them. From what you have written, it sounds as if they would be a good fit for you.

 

[milkybar_kid]

I respect all your comments.

1. In theory I accept that the sacrament of reconciliation and Christ’s sacrifice on the cross have cleansed my sins. (but obviously not in practice otherwise I would not have these doubts)

I am unable to forgive myself and feel impure despite the sacrament, prayer and penance. In my view such a fall from grace takes time to recover from and essentially a spiritual reawakening is required. For which I must be patient.

1. Thank you for the response to my second point about desire and selfish/less/ness. It was particularly helpful and in many ways confirmed what I already believe. I am reminded of St. Aloysius’ Gonzaga’s words, “ad majora natus sum - I am born for greater things”.

I want to make the most of my life and talents to serve God, but deciding how best I can do so is difficult. Perhaps this is where I confuse selfish desire and the right path.

After concluding this, I simply fear the same as many other prospective vocations. Will I have the strength to see it through?

Overall you have encouraged in me, a sense of responsibility in responding to the determination and call of God.
Best wishes!

 

[Hidden_One]

1. In theory I accept that the sacrament of reconciliation and Christ’s sacrifice on the cross have cleansed my sins. (but obviously not in practice otherwise I would not have these doubts)

This is why I immediately encouraged you to speak to your spiritual director/confessor. What have you to lose?

But it is a matter of yours, and this is enough of my pushing.

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

The first answer to any vocation questions should always be get a spiritual director.

Especially if you have a tendency to scrupulosity.

I would also submit that while you say you accept the Sacrament of Reconciliation “in theory” (what ever that means) it is obvious that you do not because you do not accept the forgiveness that is received though it.

 

[troubador]

The sense of unworthiness that you describe is common. There is nothing that you can do to make that go away other than accept God’s free gift of grace and forgiveness. We do not merit the gift through our own actions. Once we can let go of the pride or “false pride” that keeps us hanging on to our sins, we experience an amazing new freedom. God does for us what we could not do for ourselves. We no longer have to be perfect or earn a sense of worthiness by our goodness. God’s mercy conquers all!:extrahappy:

 

[edders]

…I view celibacy as a necessary sacrifice…

This doesn’t sound like a positive enough attitude to me. Celibacy is something to be embraced rather than ‘put up with’. If you go in thinking like this eventually it will make you unhappy.

 

[anode]

Well, celibacy* is *a sacrifice…

but i sense that you really don’t want to become a priest, and that you’re using these excuses not to become one. You’re devout and the priesthood is something you have always been interested in, but now that you actually are free to apply and enter, you’re looking for reasons to back down. Better to just decide that it’s not for you.

 

[peary]

From an early age I have been attracted to the priesthood, in particular the Jesuits. I am nearing the end of university and treating my potential vocation more seriously.
However, I have worries and it could be helpful to hear your thoughts?

Firstly, priest mentors have asked me to consider the content of the simple vows: obedience, chastity, poverty. My reaction is quite positive! I am not materialistic and although I am not a virgin, I view celibacy as a necessary sacrifice to serve God. Obedience could be challenging because my life is currently at its autonomic peak! (student life miles from home)

In the end, two things bother me:

• I cannot come to terms with sins I have comitted and do not know how I can repent satisfactorily.
• I feel that deciding to become a priest would be selfish in itself, because as well as answering the call, it would be partly out of desire for self fulfillment. Selfishness through selflessness if that makes sense?

You might need more time for discernment. Most of the priests I have talked tell me that the toughest vow is that of Obedience - being sent somewhere where you do not desire to go but must go anyway. If you are thinking that becoming a priest would be something selfish on your part, then chances are you don’t have a true vocation. How is your prayer life? Do you go to Mass more than once a week? Do you offer your services and volunteer at your church parish? This is the stuff for discernment. If any of these is lacking, I would question my own intentions.

As for past sins, confess 'em and forget 'em. To hang on to them shows that you are not operating from Grace but from scrupulousness. Discuss these matters with a priest. Good luck.

 

[Hidden_One]

I would like to state my personal opinion that posters online who do not [even] personally know any given discerner have absolutely no business asserting that s/he has or does not have a vocation to the priesthood, religious life, or consecrate life.

I would also caution CA posters from attempting to read the hearts and souls of [the afforementioned] discerners… without Divine grace, you can’t, and it’s not your job to do so. It is proper, in my eyes, only to respond to the actual written words, avoiding reading between the lines as much as possible and ***directing the discerner toward personal interaction with someone for whom it is proper to offer spiritual guidance ***when such guidance is requested of us forumers.

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

I would like to state my personal opinion that posters online who do not [even] personally know any given discerner have absolutely no business asserting that s/he has or does not have a vocation to the priesthood, religious life, or consecrate life.

I would also say that the opposite applies.

But I would also say that the signs of a person not having a vocation might be more present to posters here than the signs of a person having a vocation.

For example, those who do not adhere to what the Church Teaches, those who argue against what the Church Teaches, those who are very arrogant and argumentative, might not have vocations and users here are not out of place to point that out.

 

[Hidden_One]

I would also say that the opposite applies.

If you mean that those who do know the person have no business saying so, I agree with you, in almost all cases.

But I would also say that the signs of a person not having a vocation might be more present to posters here than the signs of a person having a vocation.

For example, those who do not adhere to what the Church Teaches, those who argue against what the Church Teaches, those who are very arrogant and argumentative, might not have vocations and users here are not out of place to point that out.

I would argue that those are not necessarily signs that someone does not have a vocation [aside from marriage] but rather that said person has things to do before discerning it. Who would have said (at least by your standards), at 22, that the future St. Augustine had a vocation to the Catholic priesthood?

I do agree in part, though: it is not intrinsically improper for certain things - such as unorthodoxy, arrogance, etc - to be pointed to as obstacles to pursuing a vocation [including the one to marriage] by posters here. That said, I think that you’ll agree with me that this is more easily done poorly than properly.

 

[Friar_David_O.Carm]

If you mean that those who do know the person have no business saying so, I agree with you, in almost all cases.

No what I meant by my comment is that it is not the place of posters here to tell people that they do have a vocation and/or criticize the Church when it does not confirm the feeling of some who think that they have a calling.

 

[Hidden_One]

That too I would agree with.

It is one thing to encourage someone to pursue a possible vocation, another to say that it is there, and quite another to criticize the Church.

 

[IronicCatholic]

Your first concern is not entirely a vocation question, it is a Christian life no matter what question. Even after reconciliation, I had a hard time forgiving myself for months, even years…and taking a long time to get myself to confession in the first place didn’t help (ingrained thought patterns and all). But eventually I realized I could think of the event without the self-hatred I used to have, and thank God seriously for His mercy. Obviously I deeply wish it hadn’t happened, but God can turn all things to a good end, and it brought me humility and the awareness that I need and want God. I felt more fully healed through an encounter with charismatic prayer–basically, an encounter with the Holy Spirit. His presence made the “teaching” suddenly seem easy. I would encourage you to ask God to help you accept His forgiveness. That strikes me as a prayer God loves to answer.

As for “it’s attractive, so I’m being selfish”–I guess it depends on what it attractive about it to you. If fulfilling who God created you to be is “selfish,” then don’t worry about it. It’s ultimately about God, not you, but your true vocation (whatever that is) will be attractive to you.

Peace and good discerning!

 

[JesuitLoyola]

From an early age I have been attracted to the priesthood, in particular the Jesuits. I am nearing the end of university and treating my potential vocation more seriously.
However, I have worries and it could be helpful to hear your thoughts?

Firstly, priest mentors have asked me to consider the content of the simple vows: obedience, chastity, poverty. My reaction is quite positive! I am not materialistic and although I am not a virgin, I view celibacy as a necessary sacrifice to serve God. Obedience could be challenging because my life is currently at its autonomic peak! (student life miles from home)

In the end, two things bother me:

• I cannot come to terms with sins I have comitted and do not know how I can repent satisfactorily.
• I feel that deciding to become a priest would be selfish in itself, because as well as answering the call, it would be partly out of desire for self fulfillment. Selfishness through selflessness if that makes sense?

I just stumbled upon your post and felt you should read 1 Corinthians 1:26-29

 "26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him."

Just remember here that God also choses the sinful to teach the sinner (St. Augustine is always a very good example as well as St. Paul). On one hand it is normal to feel remorse even after confession for sins one has committed, but the power of the Church given by Christ allows sin to be removed completely and it is your part as a member of the faithful to acknowledge that your sins have indeed been forgiven. Not to do this is to deny the power and grace Christ has plain and simple. That is ultimately the devil’s plan with scrupulosity. (Judas felt he was beyond forgiveness and the devil won with him).

 

[vocjemar]

From an early age I have been attracted to the priesthood, in particular the Jesuits. I am nearing the end of university and treating my potential vocation more seriously.
However, I have worries and it could be helpful to hear your thoughts?

Firstly, priest mentors have asked me to consider the content of the simple vows: obedience, chastity, poverty. My reaction is quite positive! I am not materialistic and although I am not a virgin, I view celibacy as a necessary sacrifice to serve God. Obedience could be challenging because my life is currently at its autonomic peak! (student life miles from home)

In the end, two things bother me:

• I cannot come to terms with sins I have comitted and do not know how I can repent satisfactorily.
• I feel that deciding to become a priest would be selfish in itself, because as well as answering the call, it would be partly out of desire for self fulfillment. Selfishness through selflessness if that makes sense?

 

[lpp]

Know that you are not the only one who is going through these doubts that you’re having when it comes to discerning if religious life is what God is calling you to. I went through the same doubts and even now, I still have them.

During high school, I felt a calling to religious life but put that thought in the back of my mind and never really thought about it again. About 3 years later, the calling became stronger and I began to really discern and think about religous life. Currently, I am looking for the Order that I feel that God is calling me to be a part of and to serve Him with my whole being.

During my discernment, like you, I had doubts. The one that I had the most trouble overcoming was that I am unworthy because of my sins. I just couldn’t forgive myself for the sins I’d committed even though I know that God has forgiven me. There was point when I just broke down and cried myself to sleep. Discernment takes time. It took me about 5 years just discern whether God is calling me to serve Him in a religious life. For some people it’s shorter, others longer. If God is calling you to the religious life, He will make sure that you get to where He wants you to go. Just open up to Him, listen, pray, and let Him works in you. It will take some time, but if He is calling you, He will lead you there.