Vow

[Hailz]

I have been struggling with masturbation since I was 12 (I am 20 now), and wanting so desperately to beat this addiction, I made a vow. I told God that I would not get married until I had gone one year with masturbating. Believe me, this was not a ‘spur of the moment’ decision; I put a LOT of thought and prayer into it. It’s not too strict, and it’s not too lenient – it’s just right, and I have absolutely *no *regrets about making it, because I think it will help me a great deal. Aside from God, my boyfriend is the most important person/thing in my life… and I *really *want to marry him. I’m convinced that the thought of having to delay our marriage will stop me in moments of temptation. Also, as much as I want to get married, it just doesn’t seem like the right thing to do while I still have this addiction. So, like I said, I have no regrets. The only problem is my boyfriend’s response to it! See, he knows about my struggles with masturbation, but I chose not to tell him that I was considering making a vow. I’m not entirely sure why… I think I was worried that he would talk me out of it. (He had a not-so-good experience with making a vow in order to beat the same problem…) But after I had made the vow, I knew that it wouldn’t be fair to keep it from him, and so I told him. But I wish I hadn’t. He instantly informed me of how to go about getting that vow dispensed, and when I told him that I had no intention of doing that, he said that he’d *make *me do it. That really hurt me because not only does he not believe I can beat this, he came across as possessive and controlling (which is NOT like him at all). I spoke to him about it the following day, and he apologised for what he said, and explained that he was in the wrong and that it wouldn’t happen again. Apparently it made him think that I didn’t want to marry him as much as he wants to marry me… which isn’t true AT ALL! I *think *it’s all cleared up now… but he refuses to say whether or not he wants me to keep the vow, and I can’t help but think that means that he wants me to get it dispensed, and just doesn’t want to upset me again by telling me. So… what do I do?!? Was it wrong of me to make that vow? Should I get it dispensed? Thanks in advance!

 

[JRKH]

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep this vow and if you feel this is what you must do then by all means do so.
Question - - - Is this fellow your fiance, or just your serious boyfriend?
If he is your fiance, and there were (officially) plans being made to marry, then would say that He had a right to be in on the decision. If he is just your boyfriend - that is another matter.

Just my 2c worth.

Peace
James

 

[joandarc2008]

If he is your boyfriend and not your fiance and you are doing fine with the vow than chances are you will have met the requirements by the time you are looking at getting married regardless.

If he is your fiance save this discussion for marriage prep with your deacon/priest. At this point it is a HUGE red flag. Look back have there been other discussions like this or is this the only one?

If this is your boyfriend be on the lookout- if this starts to be a consistent reaction than this may be a relationship you may wish to look at not continuing as this might not be healthy marital behavior especially since this vow was made between you and God before he was in the picture.

 

[Hailz]

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep this vow and if you feel this is what you must do then by all means do so.
Question - - - Is this fellow your fiance, or just your serious boyfriend?
If he is your fiance, and there were (officially) plans being made to marry, then would say that He had a right to be in on the decision. If he is just your boyfriend - that is another matter.

Just my 2c worth.

Peace
James

He is *technically *just my boyfriend, but we rarely use that term; it’s normally “unofficial fiance” or “future husband”. We intend on getting engaged early next year when I will be in the same country as him. (We are in a Long Distance Relationship). I admit that I should have told him while I was considering it… but I’m not convinced that I shouldn’t have made it (or should get it dispensed) when that’s what he wants and not what I feel like is the right thing to do. James, please could you explain why you believe he had a right to be in on the decision if there were “officially” plans to marry? Shouldn’t he wait until I am ready? And I am NOT ready until I beat this stupid addiction!

If he is your boyfriend and not your fiance and you are doing fine with the vow than chances are you will have met the requirements by the time you are looking at getting married regardless.

If he is your fiance save this discussion for marriage prep with your deacon/priest. At this point it is a HUGE red flag. Look back have there been other discussions like this or is this the only one?

If this is your boyfriend be on the lookout- if this starts to be a consistent reaction than this may be a relationship you may wish to look at not continuing as this might not be healthy marital behavior especially since this vow was made between you and God before he was in the picture.

Yeah, that’s why I decided that it should be one year. It won’t interfere with our plans unless I slip up… and marriage being delayed is a price I do NOT want to pay for self-gratification! But he’s clearly convinced that I will slip up. Sigh How nice to know he believes in me! Anyways, no, there have not been ANY other discussions like that. And, like I said in the original post, he has assured me that it won’t happen again. What do you mean it was made “between me and God before he was in the picture”? You don’t think I should I have told him? Anyways, thanks for your advice, and I will definitely be “on the lookout”.

 

[joandarc2008]

I mean that when you make a vow - the vow is between you and God - it is not a promise to the man in your life and therefore no promise to an earthly man should therefore supersede a promise to God.

 

[JRKH]

James, please could you explain why you believe he had a right to be in on the decision if there were “officially” plans to marry? Shouldn’t he wait until I am ready? And I am NOT ready until I beat this stupid addiction!

Happy to explain. If he was officially your fiance and there were plans in the works to marry, then he would have the right to expect that you would consult with him if you were contemplating a decision that could alter/delay those plans.
A fiance is a person who have committed to marry. A fiance is a person who you should be just as committed to, and trusting of, as a husband, since that is what you intend him to be. As such, a decision such as this one, that could effect joint plans and arrangements should be discussed.

A boyfriend, on the other hand, does not have this same right since, in this stage of a relationship, you are still discerning whether or not he is the right person to marry.

It appears that your relationship is somewhere between these two definitions so I can see where perhaps he has the expectation that you would have talked with him first, and you have the feeling that this was your personal decision to make.

Peace
James