That’s good to hear. I can tell you from experience that making compromises is not worth it. That is, compromises as regards chastity.
But this doesn’t mean one should end up afraid to hug or kiss the beloved person, I think. It sucks when the other person isn’t even remotely likely to be meaning anything sexual or getting any sexual signals out of it, while you’re still worrying if you aren’t sending anything, whatever. But one still has to watch it. I don’t even want to think experience is key here because I believe God didn’t create love for experience and I don’t believe He wants us to learn about it from failed relationships or from the relationship count.
As for other things, there is the faith, the religion, and there’s what we feel about it. It’s two different things. For example there’s no compromising for me about, let’s say, following or not following lent. I’d rather get shot. But running into debates about abortion, euthanasia and other things all the time wasn’t very healthy for my last relationship (over on Epiphany/Offering, her decision). Debating created the feeling of disagreeing all the time or most of the time, coupled with impaired communication and the stupid feeling that the relationship itself was thus shallow. Poor lass tried as she could to convince me out of that and talk about something else instead, given neither of us would change the other’s views, but no. I had to prove things, I had to show we in fact agreed but spoke about it differently, whatever. Talking once or twice wouldn’t have been so hurtful. I suppose whoever posts a lot in internet forums is prone to the debating thing. Avoid that all you can is my advice. I know you can’t, as I couldn’t really, but I didn’t pray enough to be in connection with Jesus instead of just arguing the philosophical stuff over and over. What’s even worse is that she was visibly catholicising slowly as it went, but the debates and mentioning some easy-to-misinterpret-hard-to-fathom-by-a-non-believer rules (people develop scary and very, very wrong ideas, so shutting up about it is more truthful than talking about it without consideration) without proper context interrupted the process. God seems to be too merciful to allow me to see the extent of damage done, but I sort of sense it will come with time. I wish I had been able to control my tongue.
But, we’re talking about you here, not about me.
Congrats on the engagement and all the best to you both.
Don’t allow debating to break the bond between you two.
But don’t let this prevent you from talking about the essentials, the things that need to be talked about. I suppose it all comes down to one thing: pray first, talk next. The hard part is knowing when not to talk. It feels like treachery to swallow it and shut up, but on the other hand, force doesn’t convert hearts. Even if it’s forcing debates on people, confronting them all the time, undermining and attacking their views on the world regularly etc. I guess I’d better stop now before I accidentally convince someone to avoid talking about important things, which is not my intention.
Just mind the manner, I’d say. There’s nothing wrong in good manners and while sometimes some people need a push or even a proverbial bucket of cold water, I seriously think most of the time merciful kindness is the better way. And praying a lot. Preaching never works without example and I doubt being an addicted debater is what a Christian example is supposed to be. But I was finishing…
Ah, but need to get back to chastity for a while. Yep, it does feel like the person who is not a believer is not getting anything out of the deal and the decision to abstain from sexual relations is unilateral. The decision is indeed unilateral and there’s no exchange per se. However, being consequent about cutting the sexual thing and at the same time developing the bond in other ways and showing love to the other person should give some testimony. The non-believer can get a lot “in exchange” for lack of the sexual part and even come to appreciate the absence of it. It’s hard to cut the whole of it, rather than just cap it before intercourse, but that’s ultimately the way that works the best, apart from the fact one doesn’t need intercourse to cross the sixth. Basically, hints, allusions, the need to back off etc create hunger. Without such hints, allusions, without the room for sexual impulses, there’s less need for actual fighting. Temptation is always better avoided than fought. And we can be creative in inventing ways we can spend time together, ways that won’t endanger as so much and will strengthen the bond, provide some hobby, some diversion, teach us to act as a team, whatever. Perhaps limiting the contact is sometimes better, as sexual temptations often come from boredom, I think. Nothing else to do, flirting starts… As there was boredom at the beginning of it, there isn’t that much depth to it. So then starts innuendo and more and more explicit stuff. Don’t need that.
I guess you’ll need to tell him what a handsome and generally great guy he is in order to spare his male ego, to show him some love and support in dealing with the restriction, but I would be careful with talking about rights or replacements.