Wanting to build a house. Justified?

[Marek]

Hi. I have a certain dillemma and I’m looking for advice. For clarity’s sake, I live in Poland, please try to accommodate this.

We’re a family of five and currently live in a separate apartment in a detached home built in the 80s. My mother-in-law occupies the ground floor and we live upstairs.

The area of the outline of the apartment is about 970 sq.ft, minus stairs and walls. We don’t like the layout of the house, but we adapted (to) it as best we could.

Some time ago, an idea started growing within me to build a house that would address those problems. Since we already have a plot of land, about half the cost of building is gone. (I think that I would not even think about a new house if we didn’t).

I struggle with a tendency to be proud, vain and stubborn. I make rash decisions, and more often than not, I’ve gone against my wife in our decisions (for whatever reason).

Nevertheless, when the matter is serious, I try my best to discuss this openly. When I realized that I want it to happen, I shared it openly. Unsurprisingly, she’s against the idea. I can’t blame her, it’s a life-changing decision.

She pointed out that there might be good reasons for building a new house, but she doesn’t see them as of now. We already havea place to live, so the obvious reasons to move would be if our house turned out to be dangerous to live in, or if it made economic sense to build new rather than invest in this house (e.g., cost of living, esp. heating wise).

So far, there is no sign of structural damage to the house. Repairs should cost less than finishing work on a new house and while cost of living would be lower, it would pay for itself in maybe a century. An equivalent investment into our current house could yield largely the same cost savings, anyway.

I had a few reasons for wanting to build:

• I’m going to turn forty in two years. This is more or less the last call to build a new house because a housing loan might be impossible in a few years.
• I can work from home, but my current working space is in the living room and it’s not working out.
• Our children could each have a separate room. Not a problem so far, but my girls are eight and seven and my boy is three, and he has a separate (smaller) room, so there’s room for conflict (pardon the pun).
• We could have a master bedroom
• We could have more bathrooms than we have now (we have one now and a separate toilet, but it’s an area for conflict when they’re teens).
• We could go further with a dedicated laundry room and with a separate dining area and sitting space (currently, the 190 sq.ft. living room is for dining, TV, drying laundry and my work).
• We could use more kitchen area.

She agreed that these are valid, just not compelling. I agree that they’re weak, and read like luxuries, so a decision based on them could be foolish.

I’m asking the question whether it makes sense to build a new house and whether there are reasons I overlooked that may turn out to be more important?

 

[Irishmom2]

Personally, it sounds like your home is too small to accommodate your family if you work from home and don’t have a separate space to do so. You do not say what your wife’s objections to building a new house are. Is it possible she does not want her mom to be alone?

If you could afford to build the house that you want, it would probably work out better for your family.
Another option might be to build a home with a mother in law suite for your wife’s mother, or a separate little guest house on your property for her.

 

[Pattylt]

Are you currently renting your apartment? I wasn’t clear on this.
Is part or all of your wife’s hesitations due to her mother being downstairs and thus close…available for sitting and other help?

My personal feelings on home ownership is that, if it is at all possible, do it. Rents rise. The increase in value of the rental only benefits the owner, never the renter. In the US there are tax advantages to an owner but none to renters.

Will you be building this house? Or contracting it out. Do you have the skills needed to participate in at least some of the construction? Example; you can’t build the house yourself but you’re a plumber and could do all the plumbing projects for some saving of money.

If you have no real construction skills, would that also mean you’d have to pay someone else every time a repair is needed? That one advantage a renter doesn’t have to worry about.

Pride in home ownership isn’t the same as the pride of sin. It’s mearly achieving a goal for your whole family. As long as you pay the bills on time, no one can make you move…a renter could always have their rental sold out from under them. Always remember, home ownership has its costs but I think the benefits far outweighs them.

 

[Marek]

To clarify:

• We’re not renting.
• The house and the plot it’s on is the property of my mother in law. She already said she would transfer the house and the land to us at some point in the future.
• The house is on a strip of land that’s large enough to fit even a couple more houses. That’s why I said we have land. We’d live right next door, but in a separate house.
• We could afford to build a house and I envision paying back the loan in ten years without stretching the finances too much.
• I wouldn’t be building the house, but I do most repairs at home myself (those that don’t involve certifications or would be too dangerous to do, like gas).

My wife is wary that a lot of my colleagues at work either are building or have moved in to new homes over the last couple of years and that this might be a motivation (sort of, “I can have my own house if I want to, too!”).

 

[humbleseeker]

Could you just add on to the current house?

 

[Xantippe]

I think a lot depends on your local circumstances, which are probably very different than building a house in the US.

Some thoughts:

–Your home situation does sound really small.
–No, over 40 is not going to be too late to build a house. Don’t panic!
–You can save money yourself for the project.
–Your wife may be friendlier to the project if you have substantial savings available to do it.
–It will cost more than you think.
–It will take longer than you think. My parents built a house starting around when I was 8, almost 9, and it took about five years. I wouldn’t say that they finished–it was more that they stopped rather than that they finished.
–Growing up with my parents building was actually a very good experience for us as kids–but looking back from the mom perspective, it was NUTS to try to finish a house while living in the house.
–My husband and I had the opportunity to buy land in a good location and build, but we didn’t do it, partly because my husband and I have very different ideas about homes, and I am sure that building a house from the ground up would have caused a lot of fights. (True story: I have had at least one conversation with my husband about why painting is necessary.)
–Your wife may be sensing that you have enough taste differences that it would be really hard to build a house together, where EVERY decision has to be made.
–As other people have mentioned, you can build a mother-in-law unit for your mother-in-law (ground floor, own bath, own kitchen, etc.).
–In your shoes, I would start saving money and also keep talking to your wife about what she wants in a house.
–It’s very likely that your life circumstances are going to change over the next year or two. As things change, it’s very likely that your wife’s views and your own views will change. For example, your MIL might need a different household set-up, or your youngest will be bigger and easier to deal with and your wife will be more willing to take on a big new project. In 2-3 years, things could be quite different.
–Do not start this until your wife is enthusiastic about it! It’s much too big and stressful a project to start without both spouses being on board.
–Good luck!

 

[Marek]

@humbleseeker: No. Not without very significant construction changes which would cost more than tearing it down and building from scratch.

There is an alternative that I discussed with both my wife and her mother. We could buy a flat for my mother in law and she would let us have the entire house.

While that would give us more room than we know what to do with, it might end up costing more than building a new house. There’s the cost of the flat, next the cost of adapting the ground floor and renovations to the house.

Finances are an issue. A housing loan (for new buildings or for buying a flat) is more affordable than a cash loan for adapting or renovations, though I would have to look up the exact numbers.
If a house cost 25% more than flat+renovations to the current house, it’s more affordable.

–
@Xantippe: I agree about a house costing more and taking longer than expect. We discussed what we might want in our house when we were getting married, but we didn’t discuss it later. We did have different ideas about the looks, and while my taste did change over the years, it diverged even more from hers those 10-15 years ago.
I agree that my wife would have to be enthusiastic about it. Fortunately, when it comes to significant expenses, I have enough sensibility to not go ahead if she’s not happy about it (so far it worked well when it comes to cars).

 

[jlc2k2]

How would things work in your current house if you had another child? How would they work in a new house?

 

[Xantippe]

I agree that my wife would have to be enthusiastic about it. Fortunately, when it comes to significant expenses, I have enough sensibility to not go ahead if she’s not happy about it (so far it worked well when it comes to cars).

And it’s not just the expense, it’s also that it’s a very lengthy project that offers practically infinite opportunities for “I told you so” if there is a reluctant spouse involved.

And that’s true even of just buying a house–there are so many things that are going to break or wear out that the reluctant spouse is always “right” to a certain extent.

You might want to start keeping a wish list for your future house with your wife. Maybe have have a “need” and a “want” list for each of you?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We can discuss this all day long on the thread, but your wife and yourself are the only ones whose opinions in the end matter, and your wife is not in favor.

Remember that one day your kids will move out and your MIL will pass away, or perhaps have to move to a nursing home. Then it will be just the two of you. Do you want to be dealing with some big house, and any associated debt? Is it that important to you to have a big house now when, with a large family, there are going to be lots of other needs for you to spend your money on?

And as someone else said, if your wife doesn’t like the idea, and anything goes haywire with it down the road, then it’s going to give rise to “I told you so” on her part.

Bottom line is if she doesn’t come around to embracing the idea with you, it would be a bit foolish for you to do it, unless you had a plan to pay for it entirely out of your own pocket with no possible detriment to her or the kids whatever, like you hit the lottery or were independently wealthy.

 

[Sunbreak]

I know that in Poland it is more common than in the US to have living arrangements like you have now. It seems like your wife is happy with the current situation. Maybe you can ask her why she doesn’t want a new house. Certainly your reasons are valid enough to want a new house. So it comes down to preferences. We could come up with more reasons you should build a new house, but I suspect it won’t matter to your wife if she wants to stay put.

 

[Marek]

Well, if we have another child (and we are considering that), what we do depends on whether it’s a boy or a girl. If it’s a boy, we get a bunk bed and put him in the room with his brother. A deep and tall wardrobe and space efficient desks should be enough for two. It’s the practical answer.
If it’s a girl, it’s more of a problem, and I honestly don’t know yet what we’d do. The easy answer would be to get a flat for the MIL and adapt the ground floor.

Agreed. She’s content with the living arrangements we have now and doesn’t feel that building a new house makes sense.
Considering how our friends make do with a 380 sq.ft. flat with two children, her point is that we have it much better and any problems we have are more due to underutilizing the room we do have rather than lacking it in the first place.

She did say she would reconsider if I was able to give her reasons, and my original motivation behind this question was to fish for ideas how to convince her, but I realized it’s a fool’s errand. I feel that convincing her with arguments is not charitable and her decision would be one of resignation rather than actual agreement.

Dealing with a big house is not that much of an issue. We live close to a large city and almost door to door with a university campus and a medical university (less than 20 minutes commute). Once our children would move out, the logical thing would be to rent out rooms to students.