War on marraige

[JimG]

Well, yes, it seems everyone has lost the ability to make a firm commitment. Our mortgage contracts are stronger than our marriages, and harder to get out of. But it was not always so. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, to love and to cherish, till death, used to mean just that.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am going to discourage my son against marriage. Divorce is common and men stand to lose so much in a divorce. It just isn’t worth it.

I totally disagree. I see so many men resent paying child support and it angers me that men would see providing for their kid as ‘loosing’

What about the women who have to leave financially irresponsible men and now their credit is ruined because the date he racked up during their marriage.

Not to mention I find it odd you would discouraged your sons but not your daughters. If men aren’t getting married, then how can women ?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I too am recovering from a broken marriage…

I am terribly sorry for this. As cliché as this is going to sound, turn to God in prayer, he will guide you through

No affair, no abuse, no adiction, but after more than 20 years my wife just simply was not happy anymore and gave up on us. For how long, or why, I dont exactly know…

Now, I am not trying to criticize you, nor do I know what your wife is thinking. I am just trying to give you insight on what your wife may or may not be thinking.

Often when a woman walks away from a man and he says ‘I don’t know what I did wrong’, that is confirming to the wife her reasons for walking away. Let me explain. A woman will communicate to her man when she is not happy. And some men either blatantly ignore her, or innocently don’t understand what she means. But in both scenarios, nothing changes so the woman jumps to the conclusion the man does not listen. If a woman jumps to the conclusion she did not express herself clearly, she will try again but only for so long. So when a man says ‘I didn’t know you were unhappy’, a woman thinks 'Of course not you never listened to me, I should have left years ago.

So for now, don’t concentrate on ‘she never told me what was wrong’. Concentrate on God’s will and if you do see your wife, do not say 'I would have done things differently had I known, listen to what she says and do your best on a go forward basis.

I just know that I dedicated my life to our family, worked hard to provide for them, had lots of fun times in the process. …

Sadly, men often work hard out of love for their families and women just see that as them ignoring them. Totally unfair

Everyday I feel like loose a little of that hope, and I don’t like that. …

It is normal to feel like that. But again, turn to God. He is the only one who can fix that

Its discouraging hearing people tell me to move on, there’s someone else out there, etc. …

That would bug me too. I would simply not talk about it with people like that

Angie

 

[dedo]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’ve found them all very interesting. To continue on, I’m was wondering if you’ve heard the term “Walk away wife(or spouse)” syndrome ? Not sure who coined the phrase,but I first read about it in a book called divorce busting. This is very much like what happened in our case, and with othe couplkes ive talked with or heard about. It seems to be prevalent. I wonder what is the underlying cause.
Not sure if I’m allowed to post this link. Mods, Please feel free to remove it if not. I have no association, other than I’ve read the book.

divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

I am sorry for the loss of your marriage.

The link you posted looks like a good source for people who want to improve their marriage. I have not read the book but I might get a copy.

It is amazing that we don’t each routinely read something from time to time about how to do better in something as important as marriage.

You are right that society does make marriage hard.

Thanks for posting this.

 

[holyrood]

A well respected divorce attorney told me once that once the word “divorce” enters the mind of the couple, and gets thrown around as a possibility or threat that marriage will end up in divorce at some point. His thought is that for so many years in the past divorce wasn’t seen as an option so over time people learned to make it through tough times.

Just his opinion but I thought it was interesting.
Mary.

I agree with this.

The flip side of it is (as per my experience), I believe this is one reason my (now ex) husband figured he didn’t have to stop any of his bad behavior*. In his mind, divorce was off the table, so what was I going to do about it? Every time I objected, I discovered it only dug me in deeper, as he’d twist my words and portray me as a nutcase to his sympathizing friends.

In the end, I even would have remained married and faithful to my vows, simply living in separate bedrooms, until I discovered he was essentially stealing money from my bank account–which, btw, I kept because he’d already walked out on me once and left me high and dry with two small children and a baby on the way. It was my only peace of mind that I’d be able to provide for them if he ever did it again. But divorce became my only legal protection to make sure I could keep a roof over my own and nine children’s heads.

Sadly, I saw many similar cases on the infidelity board, with long lists of abuses on the part of only one party, who believed that as long as divorce wasn’t an option, they could continue as they pleased.

*lies, deceptions, secret credit cards, being gone for hours on end, gaslighting to the point I literally was becoming unable to function due to second guessing my own perceptions, verbal and emotional abuse, physical and emotional affairs that could have left me with diseases or harmed our children during pregnancy, questionable secret relationships with a number of other women, throwing me under the bus and telling me repeatedly I wasn’t good enough for his friends and family, and threats of physical violence, telling blatantly untrue stories about me to other people such that even now I have people thinking badly of me over things that never happened, digging us into so much debt (all kept secret from me) that I believe we would eventually have lost the house.

 

[Groo]

I totally disagree. I see so many men resent paying child support and it angers me that men would see providing for their kid as ‘loosing’

What about the women who have to leave financially irresponsible men and now their credit is ruined because the date he racked up during their marriage.

Not to mention I find it odd you would discouraged your sons but not your daughters. If men aren’t getting married, then how can women ?

Women are more likely to file for divorce. Roughly 66% of divorces are initiated by women. If a woman decides she doesn’t like her husband anymore and wants to leave for a better catch, she can do so with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

The court system is anti-father and anti-male. Men are more likely to lose access to their children and then become slaves to the state through alimony and child support. And if they can’t pay they end up in debtors prison.

And I guess what you are saying is that it is OK for women to leave their husbands if they are financially irresponsible. I am sure that is in the Bible somewhere. I suppose there are no financially irresponsible women around either.

Bottom line - I don’t want my boy to screw up his life over some idiot woman.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Please, let’s make this the one thread that isn’t derailed by feeding obvious trolls.

 

[SED]

I am terribly sorry for this. As cliché as this is going to sound, turn to God in prayer, he will guide you through

Now, I am not trying to criticize you, nor do I know what your wife is thinking. I am just trying to give you insight on what your wife may or may not be thinking.

Often when a woman walks away from a man and he says ‘I don’t know what I did wrong’, that is confirming to the wife her reasons for walking away. Let me explain. A woman will communicate to her man when she is not happy. And some men either blatantly ignore her, or innocently don’t understand what she means. But in both scenarios, nothing changes so the woman jumps to the conclusion the man does not listen. If a woman jumps to the conclusion she did not express herself clearly, she will try again but only for so long. So when a man says ‘I didn’t know you were unhappy’, a woman thinks 'Of course not you never listened to me, I should have left years ago.

So for now, don’t concentrate on ‘she never told me what was wrong’. Concentrate on God’s will and if you do see your wife, do not say 'I would have done things differently had I known, listen to what she says and do your best on a go forward basis.

Sadly, men often work hard out of love for their families and women just see that as them ignoring them. Totally unfair

It is normal to feel like that. But again, turn to God. He is the only one who can fix that

That would bug me too. I would simply not talk about it with people like that

Angie

Thank you so much for your reply, Its not taken as criticism at all. I’m glad to hear others perspectives. With that said, I do agree with some of the things you’ve said. I don’t think she up and decided one day, I want out. Comunication was a part of it, but there was much more than that. I certainly know much of what I did, or in some cases didnt do. I have my share of fault for allowimg this to happen. It happened over time, and there were signs when we saw trouble coming and I should have been more proactive, went to counseling sooner, insisted on putting us first, been less critical, ignored the little things. been more positive about my general outlook on life, and sought Gods help most of all.

My biggest mistake of all was thinking “We are better than this”, and can fix things ourselves. Aka: Pride

Well I’ve learned a lot about what humility is now. We still talk quite a bit, but not about us. I don’t pursue, I try to understand what happened, although I may never completely understand. I continue to go to couseling myself, I’m trying to be the best I can for our family, and leave the rest to in Gods hands.

One great thing has come from all of this. I have never been closer to God. I turned to God, and only through Him have I been able to continue to get through this. I continue to pray for our marriage, and that I do his will, whatever that may be.

Someday, I’d love to be a success story of going through a separation and reconciliation, and use this experience to help others in trouble. I’ve thought that if we ever get through this, I would like become a Retrouvaille speaker or something like that to help others. Who better to help others, than someone that has been through it.

I really mean this thread to be more generic, not just about my situation. I’d love to continue hear from others. Thanks everyone.

 

[SED]

she left you because society permits and endorses divorce. she was probably given “you’re stronger” talks by society for walking away. it’s stupid, but our society promotes people destroying their own families.

Yep, one of the things she talked about was the courage it took to leave. I think the real courage would be in staying and facing our issues.

 

[SED]

I would be sad, but also grateful!! why would you want to be around someone who would walk away after that amount of your time, love, and investment? that person is selfish as hell. good riddens.

Because I know she is a good person, and I made a commitment to her before god. I will not break it.

 

[SED]

I am sorry for the loss of your marriage.

The link you posted looks like a good source for people who want to improve their marriage. I have not read the book but I might get a copy.

It is amazing that we don’t each routinely read something from time to time about how to do better in something as important as marriage.

You are right that society does make marriage hard.

Thanks for posting this.

This is another very good book. It basically talks about how you give love,may not be how the other needs to receive it(and vice versa). Such as: physical, emotional, providing, care taking, etc.

amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

 

[SED]

Because I know she is a good person, and I made a commitment to her before god. I will not break it…

And of course I do still love her.,

 

[IBombAtomically]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation! Hopefully, you will reconcile, and I’m glad you’ve been able to bring some good out of the situation.

My husband and I have only been married 5 years so we’re still settling in to our relationship and I can’t speak from my own experience. I did, however, read your link and it stuck a chord with me. My parents are still married, but mostly out of habit. My father basically mentally checked out of the marriage some time ago. My mother was definitely the relationship guardian, she has always been incredibly selfless as a wife and parent and literally does everything for my father. Literally. Growing up, I saw my dad withdraw more and more (he is a very selfish person), while my mom grew more and more dissatisfied and wanted to pull him in, which manifested as “nagging,” lots of positive verbal communication, and eventually anger. With this my dad withdrew more as more, especially once we got the internet and later when he got a laptop. I’ve caught him looking at pictures of other women and doing searches of strip clubs in cities where he’s going for business trips. Although he’s always been nice to me, I’m angry at him for not loving my mom and not trying. Now, my mom says when he gets home from work, he won’t even say hello to her, he’ll just go straight to his computer. He could go for days without speaking to her, and he couldn’t care less that she’s hurting. Also, she’s developed these stress-related mystery ailments that I think are mostly psychological. He won’t even discuss major financial issues with her. I don’t look at him the same way I once did and I don’t love him as much as I used to.

Basically, sorry for my life story, but I had to share how I responded to that article from a daughter’s perspective. I really hope you guys work it out.

 

[SED]

Thank you for sharing.

 

[holyrood]

Women are more likely to file for divorce. Roughly 66% of divorces are initiated by women. If a woman decides she doesn’t like her husband anymore and wants to leave for a better catch, she can do so with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And I guess what you are saying is that it is OK for women to leave their husbands if they are financially irresponsible. I am sure that is in the Bible somewhere. I suppose there are no financially irresponsible women around either.

Bottom line - I don’t want my boy to screw up his life over some idiot woman.

The problem with what you’re saying is that it’s a blanket statement. Some women leave simply ‘for a better catch.’ Some women have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But this is not true for all women who file for divorce, by any means. Not even remotely. I’ve known far too many women who tried for years, in the face of all sorts of unpleasantness, neglect, unkindness, infidelity, verbal and emotional abuse and sometimes even physical abuse, and finally filed for their own protection. There IS such a thing as invalid marriages.

It’s also true that some men simply leave one day ‘for a better catch.’

What I would love to see addressed in this conversation is some discussion of how much of the problem of divorce is that people aren’t committed, aren’t willing to work, and leave for frivolous reasons, and how much of the current problem of divorce is that some spouses behave so badly that they make remaining married almost impossible, and in fact, dangerous?

As to your statement about it being okay to divorce over financial irresponsibility–from my own situation, I didn’t file over mere irresponsibility. I filed, finally, over out and out theft. As long as he was legally married to me, there was nothing I could do about it. This does, of course, ties into ‘financial irresponsibility,’ but when that ‘irresponsibility’ is so great that you may lose your home, and there’s simply nowhere else to house a large family, this is different from simply frittering away too much money and not having any savings. This is outright endangerment of children. And it goes beyond ‘irresponsibility’ at a certain stage, to outright lies and deceptions. It is impossible to build a marriage on lies and deceptions.

My question to anyone who faults me for filing over ‘financial irresponsibility’ is: were you going to welcome me and nine children into your home when his house of credit cards collapsed, we lost our home, and our credit was so badly destroyed that we had no hope of even renting a home? I can assure you there is no apartment in my entire state that would rent to a family this size. And even if there were, the way he was destroying his credit and racking up debt, we never would have qualified, anyway.

I’m appalled and saddened by the state of marriage today, and the routine divorces. But it’s *not *simply a matter of all these people filing because they’re bored and moving on to greener pastures. Some, yes, but not all.

 

[bernadettefaith]

It’s also true that some men simply leave one day ‘for a better catch.’

Yes! My husband talks about leaving me and believes that some day he might find “a better catch.” He doesn’t feel that he would lose much in a divorce.

 

[holyrood]

Yes! My husband talks about leaving me and believes that some day he might find “a better catch.” He doesn’t feel that he would lose much in a divorce.

As a ‘joke’ or seriously? Either way, how hurtful. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be told such a thing.

 

[bernadettefaith]

As a ‘joke’ or seriously? Either way, how hurtful. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be told such a thing.

Sadly, he’s totally serious. I’m not addicted, adulterous, or abusive but he has enough complaints about me (all past issues) that he feels the grass is greener. I have a whole long thread about it that’s been going on for a while . Things got even worse when we found a therapist who supported “personal happiness” over marriage. We found a new therapist and we both like him. He’s much more professional and is pro-marriage. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and he does have some valid reasons to be angry. I just don’t think it justifies the “grass is greener” feelings that he has.