Was I right to ask my wife to dress a certain way?

  • Thread starter Thread starter esperoemdeus
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

esperoemdeus

Guest
For her birthday the kids bought my wife a really racy, lacy and very revealing set of summer pajamas. It was certainly meant for amorous evenings. We practice NFP and I really struggle as it is to cope with the time when she is not available. Then she wears this new pj’s to bed during the time when we cannot make love. I find it really arousing to see my wife in the room in these pj’s.

So I gently asked her if she does not mind only wearing them when we are in our honeymoon phase. I certainly know about men being visually turned on.

She did not take it well and was really angry at me. What right do I have to ask her to dress a certain way she responded. I go to sleep only in a shorts and she does not say anything, she added. I do go to sleep in a shorts in summer and I know she is not “visual”. She told me oftentimes that it takes a bit more than the visual to get her going - such as emotional closeness. Besides, I have no misgivings about the fact that I’m not a looker. She’s quite a sight to behold on the other hand - especially in those pj’s!

I apologised to her and left it at that. It really was not my intention to tell her what to wear. I thought it may be ok for a husband to ask his wife not to dress like that when we’re not on our honeymoon period, but as she says maybe I need to be stronger and “deal with it”.

In general I always compliment her on how good she looks in a certain outfit, etc.

So did I err or not? I really am not sure.
 
Last edited:
I don’t think it’s out of line to ask your wife to wear conservative clothing when she is sexually unavailable due to NFP and you are both agreed on avoiding.

And I agree with the other poster— why are kids buying mom sexy lingerie???
 
Based on what you related, it doesn’t sound like an unreasonable request. Based on your statement, you have been married for some time, and know each other well. Perhaps it is a topic for further discussion ( men and women can interpret the same action SO differently).
 
These were my two youngest, 7 and 9 year olds. They just went into a shop and bought whatever they saw first. I just left it at that and thought that’s what they want - so be it. There’ll be enough time later in life to complicate things.
 
Yes, we have been married over 20 years and have teenagers and the little ones.
 
Don’t send your tweens into a lingerie shop next time, or, say “no, let mom pick her own underthings/nightgowns”
 
It is actually not lingerie but pajamas and it was not a lingerie shop but a large departmental store.
 
Lesson learned, I guess?

Maybe have mom make an Amazon Wish List and let the kids choose from that list.

Back to the PJs, you did allow the girls to buy these, I’m guessing knowing they would be troublesome? If I were your wife, I’d be confused why you let them buy something that you find so bothersome.

Tell you wife “I should have not allowed the girls to buy something so sexy, I am sorry. Can you forgive me for that and maybe we agree to save these for special evenings? And I get what you are saying, I am going to begin sleeping in PJ pants and a Tshirt.”
 
Last edited:
esperoemdeus said:
She did not take it well and was really angry at me. What right do I have to ask her to dress a certain way she responded.
Click to expand...
I don’t really know what to tell you, except that this reaction of hers seems extremely disproportionate, IMHO. Does she get this defensive about other things?
 
She is a very godly and devout woman. She has a very balanced approach to most things in life and I see her as very Spirit filled and wise in many ways. But there is also the side that dislikes criticism and I know that I have that side as well. So I’m no better. I did not mean to criticise her choice of clothing but yes, she did get very angry.

And as I said, she is wise and Spirit filled and so I thought she’d understand where I was coming from. This was not the case however. On a few occasions after that she raised the issue again expressing her disdain that I had the audacity to request her to change her pj’s.

Who knows, maybe I’ll never understand her completely but am called to love irrespective.
 
Who knows, it’s most likely an indication that there are other unresolved issues between us I need to explore with her.
 
esperoemdeus said:
Who knows, it’s most likely an indication that there are other unresolved issues between us I need to explore with her.
Click to expand...
Sounds like you’ve got a mind to figure it out and make it right. Maybe after its sorted you could take the kids to pick out more pajamas since mommy liked the ones they picked. At most stores the less racy ones will be facing the aisles and the racy ones are further in. If they pick something racy say oh she has some like that, remember the red ones? Let’s go for variety! She needs to stay warm on cold nights!
 
Last edited:
I would also be annoyed if my husband took my kids to buy a present for my birthday, allowed them to select a questionably appropriate negligee, then complained that I wore it. Not even touching the issue of your objectifying her body, you kind of put her in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation”. If you allowed your kids to buy the gift, they are going to want to see her wear it. Then you complain that you don’t want her to wear the gift that you let the kids select. Then you basically tell her that you aren’t interested in seeing her look sexy unless you are going to get immediate gratification, which is a tad bit objectifying. I think the main mistake was allowing your children to buy your wife an inappropriate gift in the first place though. If your wife had spontaneously bought the negligee herself, you’d be a little more legit by saying that it sent a “mixed message”. I’d still avoid actually asking her not to wear it, but it would be a little different. You are the one that actually bought this thing though! I would just apologize and expect that you probably won’t be seeing it again.
 
I shouldnt laugh at a serious problem but, my brother, you created this. That was an incredibly odd purchase with the kids. Then, you criticize her for wearing it!? Are you kidding me?
The part I do understand is the whole "dont look a certain way when we are in red light time. The sexual frustration with nfp is one reason my wife and I abandoned it. Perhaps there is a deeper sexual issue here. I remember when we practiced nfp telling my wife similar things. Dont open mouth kiss me, dont wear that to bed etc. The frustration wasn’t about the item or the way it looked but rather it was the nfp that was frustrating.
 
Setting aside the ickiness of having kids buy her clothing that turns you on, even if unintentionally done, her reaction is over the top, IMO. My wife would be appreciative of me communicating with her, and always wants to do what she can to aid me in avoiding temptation or making the times we are not intimate more difficult. I of course likewise only want the best for her, and there are few requests she could make of me that I wouldn’t grant, given we are always supposed to put our spouse first. That’s our duty as spouses.

That said, as I see it, the only way to fix this is to apologize and insist on wearing a matching outfit to bed. I bet that puppy comes off and gets stuffed in a closet before you can finish saying the “Now I lay me” prayer.
 
What kind of pajamas are simultaneously an appropriate gift from the kids, but too risqué to sleep in with one’s husband of 20 years?
 
I think we all the know the answer to that question.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
 
Under Roos are children’s undergarments.

Not for adults.

It says so on the package.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top