Was I selfish here? Advice encouraged & accepted!

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applepie

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Hi,

Looking for advice here regarding a recent situation.

I’m 30 years old (female) and moved out from the family home to my own apartment about 6 months ago. The apartment is about 10 minutes away from the family home. There are 2 bedrooms in my apartment but only 1 bed (the second bedroom is just used for storage).

There are 4 bedrooms in the family house – Mum, Dad, brother & sister all have a room each. When a guest comes to stay as often happens, Mum generally moves into my sister’s room (2 single beds) and a spare guest bedroom is created.

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend of my parents was coming up to stay the night. Dad rang me on the morning she was coming up and asked if Anna could sleep in my apartment that night instead of the family home. He suggested that I move home to the family home for the night and give Anna the key to my apartment.

I mentioned to Dad that it would be awkward with so little time to get the apartment cleaned, sheets changed etc. I also asked him why Anna couldn’t stay as per normal in the family home (she has slept there many times) - he didn’t give any reason, he was rather surprised that I was even questioning him on this. I told him that I didn’t think that it was fair for me to move out of my home for a night so that his friend could stay there when there is a guest bedroom in the family home. He hung up in a huff but later was friendly as normal with me, however he has brought it up a couple of times since, that he feels annoyed that I refused to let one of his friends use my apartment when I have let my own friends sleep there (this happened on a couple of occasions when I let my friend use the bed and I slept on an inflatable mattress in the spare room).

Frankly, I was annoyed that Dad seemed to view my apartment as an extension of the family home (the apartment was not purchased with any financial (name removed by moderator)ut from my parents). The apartment is quite nice and spacious and I think he wanted Anna to benefit from that as opposed to sleeping in a more cramped room in the family house. I think that he also didn’t want my Mum going around changing the sheets and cleaning the family home to make room for Anna to stay there.

All views welcome – please be honest. Was I being selfish here or was I ok? If you feel that I was within my rights to do what I did, do you still think that it would have been the better thing to move over and let Anna sleep in my apartment?

Thanks.
 
Your father has zero right to dictate who sleeps in your home. I certainly would not move out of my home and allow a friend of my parents to take over my place. I have far too many personal items and personal information that would be available for perusal if a person was bored enough to look around.

I think you handled it very well and I would continue to discourage the idea that your apartment is at his disposal. If he didn’t want your friends to sleep in his home, then he could easily have said no, too.
 
Dear Applepie,
I don’t think that you are being unreasonable. It’s probably a good idea, in fact, to set some boundries right now, as it’s harder to do once a pattern has been established. It sounds as if you were nice and respectful. You are entitled, at age 30, to not turn over your apartment to your parents’ friends. So, in my opinion you did entirely the correct thing.
 
You did good.

Since the apartment is completely your financial responsibility, no one has first dibs on it.

I take it you searched for the place, negotiated and signed the lease and are making payments on your own.

It would be one thing to have your father ask you if his friend could stay with you - though that request would seem odd in itself - but totally different to suggest you hand over the key!

He was wrong.
 
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applepie:
Hi,

Looking for advice here regarding a recent situation.

I’m 30 years old (female) and moved out from the family home to my own apartment about 6 months ago. The apartment is about 10 minutes away from the family home. There are 2 bedrooms in my apartment but only 1 bed (the second bedroom is just used for storage).

There are 4 bedrooms in the family house – Mum, Dad, brother & sister all have a room each. When a guest comes to stay as often happens, Mum generally moves into my sister’s room (2 single beds) and a spare guest bedroom is created.

A couple of weeks ago, an old friend of my parents was coming up to stay the night. Dad rang me on the morning she was coming up and asked if Anna could sleep in my apartment that night instead of the family home. He suggested that I move home to the family home for the night and give Anna the key to my apartment.

I mentioned to Dad that it would be awkward with so little time to get the apartment cleaned, sheets changed etc. I also asked him why Anna couldn’t stay as per normal in the family home (she has slept there many times) - he didn’t give any reason, he was rather surprised that I was even questioning him on this. I told him that I didn’t think that it was fair for me to move out of my home for a night so that his friend could stay there when there is a guest bedroom in the family home. He hung up in a huff but later was friendly as normal with me, however he has brought it up a couple of times since, that he feels annoyed that I refused to let one of his friends use my apartment when I have let my own friends sleep there (this happened on a couple of occasions when I let my friend use the bed and I slept on an inflatable mattress in the spare room).

Frankly, I was annoyed that Dad seemed to view my apartment as an extension of the family home (the apartment was not purchased with any financial (name removed by moderator)ut from my parents). The apartment is quite nice and spacious and I think he wanted Anna to benefit from that as opposed to sleeping in a more cramped room in the family house. I think that he also didn’t want my Mum going around changing the sheets and cleaning the family home to make room for Anna to stay there.

All views welcome – please be honest. Was I being selfish here or was I ok? If you feel that I was within my rights to do what I did, do you still think that it would have been the better thing to move over and let Anna sleep in my apartment?

Thanks.
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I prefer to think in terms of tearing down walls rather than setting boundaries. This sounds like semantics but I think it is important to view this as an opportunity to let your family get to know you and your rules for your home rather than saying “I am setting a boundary; you may not cross this”.

I think you were, of course, within your rights to do what you did. Was it selfish? Sure. Is that necessarily bad? I don’t know - what were your motives and do you think it would help if you sat down, privately, with your father and ask him about the resentment he is obviously carrying about this situation.

Have you prayed about this? Have you talked with your confessor? I sometimes am confused about my motives or my feelings around letting someone get to know more about me and it really helps to go to confession and state “I don’t know if I am in sin about this - may I tell you what happenned, Father?”. If your parish is really super active and the lines to the confessional are long, perhaps make an appointment to talk with the priest at a better time.

I am very impressed that you are open to ideas, criticisms and other opinions about your actions. That’s why I am suggesting that you speak to someone about whether this is a sin of selfishness or if this is just a misunderstanding between loved ones.

Does that make sense?
 
I agree with everyone’s comments. And I think you ought to sit down with your father and explain these things to him. You seem quite able to do that.

My family tried to make me the family babysitter simply because I was single and so they thought available at their disposal. Not only did I live a good distance from them, I am not good with infants and have never liked babysitting. I said no and stuck to my guns. This was years ago and nothing catastrophic happened because of it.

The same way with my sister in law who wanted the 4 of them to stay in my one room apartment so that they wouldn’t have to travel all of 30 miles to go to a doctor’s appointment for my niece. I had no place to put any of them but I was on the phone with my sil for about a half hour trying to get her to see sense. She’s the type that gets an idea and everyone else is just supposed to go along with it no matter how inconvenient or ridiculous it is. I set my boundaries and never had trouble with her again.

And you are right to do the same thing. It’s not like you turned away anyone who really needed a bed and had no where else to turn. Your father really had no right to try to impose their guest on you.
 
Thanks guys for the replies.

YingYangMom - About 3 years ago Mum and Dad gave me a loan at the time that I had to put down the first deposit. However I paid that back in full about 2 years ago. The mortgage payments come out of my own salary only. Mum and Dad did come around with me to look at a few apartments when I was interested in buying around 3 years ago. The apartment took ages to build so I only moved in relatively recently!

Princess Abby - the reference to my own friends is actually to my own apartment! Sorry, probably wasn’t clear in my first post. While I have slept the odd night in the family home since I moved out (Dad has always said it is my home and to treat it as such, come over for meals etc) I have never asked if one of my friends could sleep there. He was annoyed that I let my friends sleep in my apartment but that I don’t let his. It is hard for him since I moved out cos I’m the first to do so and he runs a very tight ship in the family home. I think he likes to think that the 2 houses - family home and my apartment are extensions of each other and that I’m still as much part of the family in that sense.
 
I think you did the right thing. I can’t imagine why your dad thought that you should just give over your whole apartment to his friend. It is your place and you decide who stays there. Maybe in the long run it’s good that these boundaries are set and that he won’t think of your apartment as an extension of the family house. If he brings it up again simply tell him you are not comfortable with such an arrangement and that’s the end of it.
 
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applepie:
Thanks guys for the replies.

YingYangMom - About 3 years ago Mum and Dad gave me a loan at the time that I had to put down the first deposit. However I paid that back in full about 2 years ago. The mortgage payments come out of my own salary only. Mum and Dad did come around with me to look at a few apartments when I was interested in buying around 3 years ago. The apartment took ages to build so I only moved in relatively recently!

Princess Abby - the reference to my own friends is actually to my own apartment! Sorry, probably wasn’t clear in my first post. While I have slept the odd night in the family home since I moved out (Dad has always said it is my home and to treat it as such, come over for meals etc) I have never asked if one of my friends could sleep there. He was annoyed that I let my friends sleep in my apartment but that I don’t let his. It is hard for him since I moved out cos I’m the first to do so and he runs a very tight ship in the family home. I think he likes to think that the 2 houses - family home and my apartment are extensions of each other and that I’m still as much part of the family in that sense.
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Awwww…your dad is having trouble adjusting to your leaving the nest. It’s sweet, it truly is because he loves you so much.
You really just need to sit down with him - take him out for coffee/breakfast or something one morning, and share your goals with him - what you look forward to, how you envision your independent lifestyle to help you, how you plan to keep the family close as you grow…that’s the part he needs reassurance on.

He probably feels he’ll lose you all together if he doesn’t somehow impose himself on you - whether it’s directly or indirectly. You can reassure him that will never be the case and that might help him relax a bit. Do try to see things from his perspective and you’ll find the right words to say.
 
Dear Applepie,
Everyone has an achilles heel, and although it sounds as if your family is very close, maybe your Dad is somewhat controlling and having a little difficulty in ‘letting go’. Also, just because your parents helped you out at one time doesn’t give them a right to tell you what to do throughout your adult life. I have adult kids whom I’ve helped and I wouldn’t dream of assuming that they will have my friends stay with them.

Your Dad will eventually adjust, so stick to your guns. Be nice but firm. It sounds like you did just fine even though your Dad isn’t pleased at the moment.
 
It seems like being “part of the family” means Dad gets to dictate to you, even though you live independently and are responsible for yourself financially. It almost seems like he wants to treat your apartment as the family’s guest house! So funny. I would be more than “annoyed.”
 
I guess I see this a bit differently. You lived with your parents for 30 years!!! That is above and beyond the call of duty on their part. Now, your dad asked a favor, and it sounds like you immediately drew a line in the sand. All of a sudden it is YOUR space, YOU would be inconvenienced etc. etc. If the way you presented it is true, then yes, it sounds a bit selfish to me.

If you have some reason to believe this is the start of a regular thing, that your family will expect you to act as if you still live at home, I can understand your hesitating, but you did impose on their parental hospitality for a heck of a long time, and I can see where the lines could have gotten blurry in their minds.

You have been fully adult for a good many years, but enjoying the security they provided. It does not seem unreasonable to me that they might expect some charity in return.

cheddar
 
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cheddarsox:
If you have some reason to believe this is the start of a regular thing, that your family will expect you to act as if you still live at home, I can understand your hesitating, but you did impose on their parental hospitality for a heck of a long time, and I can see where the lines could have gotten blurry in their minds.

Just curious, but how do you know that she imposed on their hospitality? She could have been paying rent, helping to clean, preparing meals etc. She may even have been pressured to stay at home instead of moving out on her own… we don’t know the situation.

You have been fully adult for a good many years, but enjoying the security they provided. It does not seem unreasonable to me that they might expect some charity in return.

To me, at least, there is a big difference between charity and what happened in this situation. Charity would have been her agreeing to have her dad’s friend stay** with her** in her place for some good reason.

Her dad had absolutely no right to demand that she give up her apartment (with her personal things) for one of his friends. He had the right to ask, and she had the right to say yes or no.

She chose no. I fail to see how this is being uncharitable.

Malia
cheddar
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I think most of us believe you did the right thing. And boundaries are not bad things. I had to take the key to my house away from my father several years ago, because he would just let himself in without warning (both sets of parents had keys for emergencies). We handled it diplomatically (as you did), and he recovered very well from the “shock” of his little girl disagreeing with him. It will preserve your relationship with your dad, instead of making you bitter. Good call.
 
I agree with the majority of posters and wouldn’t label you selfish. I am overly protective of my privacy and personal space so there are few people I would offer to my home to without me present. That is just me though.

Autumn
 
Your dad asked a favor of you. For your own reasons you declined to do what he asked. The only thing that was “wrong” was any suggestion on his part that you owed him an accommodation of his request. As with any favor, we are appealing to the graciousness of the person petitioned–they derive no direct benefit from indulging our request. Of course, doing favors for friends and family works as a social lubricant–and sometimes it’s easier to go along to get along. However, I do not think you were “wrong” to balk at the thought of turning over your entire apartment and all the inconvenience that would have entailed especially given that your parents had the option and the space to entertain their friends in their own home.
 
It was a selfish act, but as I see it, not all selfish acts are bad. If you’ve ever really examined the works of Aquinas, but he speaks about morality in terms of your object, your intentions and your circumstance. And it is very clear that while the circumstance was a bed needed, another was available. Your object was to keep your apartment unwanted-guest-free, and your intentions… I’d assume… were to assert your independance. I fail to see why any of those three are “bad” in any way. 🙂

I am still living at home, and my mother has a problem herself, with my grandfather bursting in whenever he feels like it, with a key. So I really do understand your predicament!
 
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cheddarsox:
I guess I see this a bit differently. You lived with your parents for 30 years!!! That is above and beyond the call of duty on their part. Now, your dad asked a favor, and it sounds like you immediately drew a line in the sand. All of a sudden it is YOUR space, YOU would be inconvenienced etc. etc. If the way you presented it is true, then yes, it sounds a bit selfish to me.
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Sorry, but letting her stay to age 30 was their choice. Unless they made it clear that she’d owe them the right to make her apartment their satellite guest house later, they don’t have a right to attach the strings retroactively. (And that would be one weird pact, at that.)

Even if they did… who would call up out of the blue and announce without apology that they expected their daughter to give up her home on practically no notice? Not just accept a guest, but clean up, evacuate the premises, and let that guest roam the place as if it were her own. You must be kidding, Dad. The daughter would have been an utter sweetheart to go for it, and she would have every right to be upset for being put on the spot like that in the first place. And let me tell you… if I were Anna and I learned of the circumstances surrounding the arrangement, I would be mortified.

Next time, Dad, spring for a hotel room if you want Anna to have a place to call her own.
 
I think your response was fair and your dad’s request was out of line at short notice, maybe for something like a family wedding or reunion, with plenty of advance notice, but no way would I give somebody the key to my apartment.

You might want to think about moving further away, sounds like in your family is a little tendency to be controlling
 
I say you did the right thing. Maybe you should have a private talk with your dad, being kind but firm, but otherwise I say just leave it at that, unless the situation reoccurs. 🙂
 
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