Was I too rash?

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rivera01

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Hi everyone. I have a situation I would like to discuss. I’m debating whether or not my actions were just or unjust. I found out that my wife had an affair on Sunday. Although, we are co-habitating, and she has filed for a legal divorce, I know that this does not change the fact that we are married in the eyes of God. We took our vows and promisses in front of Him and our family. I am a strong believer in “Till death do you part”. I have changed my ways and shown her that I am different from what she new in our early years of marriage. This was really devastating to me because I didnt expect this to occur. Even though I made lots of mistakes in the past, I never physically cheated on my wife. i acknowledge that I have not been unfaithful to her in the past with my eyes, mind, and heart; and this is something that I have been struggling before. Thank the Lord that He has helped me become a better person with getting over this sinful behavior. I had hopes that may be the Lord would perform a miracle and let her eyes be open and see that our marriage is still worth us being together. But for me, this was not only a betrayl on me and God, but also on our kids. I told her that while she does not repent of this sinful act, that I would not rather have her in the house. I told her that what she did is very very wrong and do not want my kids or myself to be an accomplice and witness to her disgusting sin. She did in fact leave and is with her parents house, but she has the kids with her. Now I ask my self, was I too rash in telling her what I did?
 
rivera01 said:
What is said below is in all love, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m bullying you. That said, I think you have some ideas and behaviors that need to be corrected right away. I have been direct.

Hi everyone. I have a situation I would like to discuss. I’m debating whether or not my actions were just or unjust. I found out that my wife had an affair on Sunday. Although, we are co-habitating, and she has filed for a legal divorce,
Now wait a minute…are you married or not? Are you legally married? Were you married in the Church? If not, then you need to go to confession and take steps to remedy that situation before you can have any right to an expectation of her fidelity.

I know that this does not change the fact that we are married in the eyes of God.
Says who? Agian, you’re either married or you’re not. If she’s still legally married to someone else, you certainly are not married in the eyes of God.

We took our vows and promisses in front of Him and our family. I am a strong believer in “Till death do you part”.
Obviously not, because you’re cohabiting with a married woman.

I have changed my ways and shown her that I am different from what she new in our early years of marriage.
In what way have you changed? What was your behavior like before? What is it like now?

This was really devastating to me because I didnt expect this to occur. Even though I made lots of mistakes in the past, I never physically cheated on my wife. i acknowledge that I have not been unfaithful to her in the past with my eyes, mind, and heart; and this is something that I have been struggling before. Thank the Lord that He has helped me become a better person with getting over this sinful behavior. I had hopes that may be the Lord would perform a miracle and let her eyes be open and see that our marriage is still worth us being together. But for me, this was not only a betrayl on me and God, but also on our kids. I told her that while she does not repent of this sinful act, that I would not rather have her in the house. I told her that what she did is very very wrong and do not want my kids or myself to be an accomplice and witness to her disgusting sin. She did in fact leave and is with her parents house, but she has the kids with her. Now I ask my self, was I too rash in telling her what I did?
To sum up, this is a web of sin. You and she both need to work to rectify your behavior. Get the help of your priest and a counselor if necessary. Before you can have a healthy relationship, you need to get on the right page with God. Pray, confess, work. You will be in my prayers as well.
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MissMichal:
I recognize that perhaps I am the one who is misunderstanding, but I think the OP:

Is talking about his own wife that he was living with until recently and that they did marry in the Church,

That SHE cheated on him and their marriage with another man,

That she filed for a legal divorce which does not change the fact that the Church still
holds that their marriage is valid (unless they are granted a declaration of nullity), so she is cheating on him with the other man,

That he told her that her sin was disgusting and he would not be a witness or accomplice to it,

That she then took the kids and moved to her parents’ house.

To Rivera01, I’ll pray for you and your family. You are in a horrid situation dealing with an unfaithful wife. She apparently feels that a legal divorce dissolves your marriage and that she is now free to make choices that society accepts as fine, but that are gravely sinful. I understand that you are hurt and angry and I am so sorry.

I wish I had a little more time to address your post, but I will pray for you and your family.
 
Sorry for the mis understandings. Yes we are married thru the Church. I used Co-habitating since this was the term that was used by the police officer that talked to me about the seperation. If this caused some confusion, then I am sorry. We were living together in the same house, but she slept in a different room, is what I tried to say. She is not married or has married another man. This is our fist marriage and she has cheated on me, while being married thru the Church.
 
Okay, I apologize then. I misunderstood.

In that case, you were right to tell her that she needs to repent of her sin, to show both God and you that she intends to end the affair and be better in the future. I don’t know how the conversation went, so I can’t really comment on it much more. If there is something on your conscience (did you lose your temper?), you should go to confession too and apologize to her for anything that might have been your part. Don’t apologize for “causing” her actions, because you didn’t, but acknowledge where you may have been wrong.

You are right to want to reconcile your marriage if you can. Is she talking to you? Are you able to see your kids? I think it’s important to approach her with love and tell her that you still expect an end to her unfaithfulness, that you have forgiven her and you want the marriage to survive. After that, the ball is in her court. She can come home and go to confession or not. Pray for her and be prepared to protect the right to see your children. Whether you stay married or not, you owe them a respectful working relationship with their mother. Do your best to achieve that, even if she doesn’t.

God Bless, and again, my apology for the misunderstanding.
-S-
 
I did go to confession yesterday because I did lose my cool and at a certain point my head because this was a hard blow to me. I didnt lose it with her, but after she left. I cursed, thought of bad things to do to hurt the guy, etc. I recognize that this is not the proper behavior, but ultimately the priest did support my decision that I made with my wife. He said that if she is not willing to change and reconcile with God and me, then what is the point of her being at home. Right now I need alot of prayer because I feel very awful about my situation. I know that I have made my mistakes in the past and I have taken the steps to rectify them, but I have never done this to my wife. I feel that this is very unfair and unmerited on my part. I still love her, but at the same time I feel that if she does repent and decide to come back, it is going to be hard for me to have a physical relationship. It’s going to be hard for me to even accept a kiss from her. And this is not because of anger, but because the thought that she was with someone else is going to be there. God, I feel very bad. Please, please keep me in your prayers.
 
My heart goes out to you brother. I really have no advice just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you and to tell you that I never want to feel the pain you feel. I hope you are comforted by God in this troubling time.
 
I was wondering how the consequences of sin can affect future generations. I know I said that I am suffering with no cause on my part, but my mother told me yesterday about some of the things that happened in her marriage and I was wondering if this is the reason why this can be happening to me. Well what happened is that my mother and father got seperated because she found out that my father had an affair with a cousin of hers. My mother after 2 years of being seperated began living with my god father. I do want to let you know that my parents marraige was in the Catholic Church. My god father gave her 3 more children and are living together since. While my father and mother were seperated, my mother told me that she found out that my father was involved in other more sinful behaviors, orgy’s. She told me that it is not worth me wanting to hurt myself for another person, and implied as if she tried to do this as well after she found out about the affair. I didnt ask her if in fact she did try this but this is what I understood. I was just wondering that if the sins that my parents commited can affect me? Is this is one of the reasons why this is happening to me, that I am suffering the reprecussions of their sins? I know that the Lord will reward me greatly, especially since I am in this unfair situation. I just wish that this was a nightmare and that I would wake up soon. I know unfortunately that it is not, and I have to learn to accept this. I hope God can look upon me and remedy the situation soon. One other thing that I failed to mention on my prior posts is that, I did tell my wife that she will repent for what she is doing to me. This is a very strong feeling that I have, and she told me that she knows that this is going to happen. I asked her, then why doesnt she change her ways and turns her life around. She told me that she is fine with the life that she has right now. Dear Lord have mercy on me, on your lowly son.
 
I also will pray for you. I wish I had something infinitely wise to tell you, but I don’t. I can’t imagine what you are going through. The only thing I can tell you is to pray for the virtues that will allow you to make wise decisions; decisions not based on emotion but based on guidance from our Lord. Remember if all else fails, to always act in the best interest of your children, no matter what your sacrifice is. Also keep living a sacramental life (frequent confession and Holy Communion) filled with prayer. Have faith and pray for more of it.
 
Yes, you were too rash. Adultery, by itself, is never justification for a divorce. You don’t specify if this was a one-time incident, or if this is a continued relationship. I assume that what you mean by “eyes, mind, and heart” is correspondence, or perhaps even dating. Telling yourself that you didn’t cheat because it wasn’t intercourse is a lie. I am not excusing her, but in her eyes, you may as well have. Remember, “Whoever looks at another woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. I’m not talking about wearing sunglasses to the beach, and I assume you aren’t either. I have made a similar mistake with my wife. She asked me how I would feel if she had done that. I thought about it, and I was forced to admit that if she had cheated on me, there would have been nothing for me to say. Now you have lost your wife, and your children. Was it worth it? Sleep on the couch if you have to, but you never tell her to leave if she isn’t a danger. However, if she was unapologetic, AND had every intention of continuing, then yes, you were justified in telling her you could not let it continue. Go see her, and tell her you forgive her, and apologize for whatever you did again, because I am willing to bet that the two are related. And hurry, before it’s too late. :hug1:
 
I am very concerned for your children. Are they school age? Can they go to school from their grandparents house without too much disruption in their lives?

My advice to you would be IF you can keep your cool and NOT fight about this with your wife in front of your children NO NO NO fighting whatsoever … if you can do that, then maybe it’s best for your kids if you let them all come back home? Sleep on the couch… sleep in one of the children’s rooms and let them sleep with Mom - whatever… I just feel badly for your kids getting shuffled all over because you guys couldn’t keep it together. And yes BOTH of you are at fault… you admited you were not such a great husband. I’m happy that you apparently changed but maybe your wife thought it was too little too late. Now she was sooooooo wrong for cheating on you… but your whole thing about not wanting to be around a disgusting sinner like her… pu-leez! YOU are a sinner too. You both made your marrige bed what it is… a train wreck.

If you want your family back, let them come home. For the sake of your innocent children, I hope - in time - you’re able to work it out together.
 
rivera01 said:
I was wondering how the consequences of sin can affect future generations. I know I said that I am suffering with no cause on my part, but my mother told me yesterday about some of the things that happened in her marriage and I was wondering if this is the reason why this can be happening to me. Well what happened is that my mother and father got seperated because she found out that my father had an affair with a cousin of hers. My mother after 2 years of being seperated began living with my god father. I do want to let you know that my parents marraige was in the Catholic Church. My god father gave her 3 more children and are living together since. While my father and mother were seperated, my mother told me that she found out that my father was involved in other more sinful behaviors, orgy’s. She told me that it is not worth me wanting to hurt myself for another person, and implied as if she tried to do this as well after she found out about the affair. I didnt ask her if in fact she did try this but this is what I understood. I was just wondering that if the sins that my parents commited can affect me? Is this is one of the reasons why this is happening to me, that I am suffering the reprecussions of their sins? I know that the Lord will reward me greatly, especially since I am in this unfair situation. I just wish that this was a nightmare and that I would wake up soon. I know unfortunately that it is not, and I have to learn to accept this. I hope God can look upon me and remedy the situation soon. One other thing that I failed to mention on my prior posts is that, I did tell my wife that she will repent for what she is doing to me. This is a very strong feeling that I have, and she told me that she knows that this is going to happen. I asked her, then why doesnt she change her ways and turns her life around. She told me that she is fine with the life that she has right now. Dear Lord have mercy on me, on your lowly son.
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I’m not sure I understand this, but if you’re suggesting that something your parents did in the past is the reason this is happening, no…you don’t have to pay for their sins with your pain.

Without having been there, I don’t think we can really tell if you were harsh or not. It could have been a bit much if your attitude was, “Get out of my sight, you disgusting sinner.” I took your indiscretions to be more of the Jimmy Carter Lusted in My Heart variety than any dating or whatever. But we’re all disgusting sinners, so we need to temper our accusations of others.

What’s up with the kids? How are they doing at grandma’s house? Be sure you keep your sights on their best interests, because they are the innocent parties here.

I understand your comment about not wanting to be with her anymore. My husband left to be with someone else (traded me in on a younger model) and even if he wanted to come back, I don’t think I’d have been able to do it. But don’t forget that whatever happens, your kids need both parents unless one is a danger to them in some way.
 
Ok sorry if I didnt make this clear. I didnt call her a disgusting sinner, I called her sin disgusting, I thought that was clear in my post and has a totally different meaning. I asked her to change her ways and her life, she does not want to. Does this not justify my decision? I am in no way trying to justify myself and make me a saint, because I realize that this is not true. I am trying my gosh darn best to be the best person I can be. I realize that I am not one to cast the first, or for that matter, the last stone. I have changed and this is something that I am proud of. Yes, I have lusted with my eyes heart and mind, this I have admitted, this was my adultery. But, thank the Lord that He has made me a different man. I feel relieved that this is not a problem for me anymore. I know I can fall and this is why I pray constantly for His strength. I also want to point out that I did not start the divorce process, my wife did a couple of months ago. I just want everyone to understand that I am not feeling all high and mighty, I am actually in lots of pain because of this situation. I am not feeling proud or happy about what happened. I still love my wiffe and I am praying to God to let her come back, for her to have a repentant heart and see that the best thing for us is to reconcile; since this is what I want. I have forgiven her, I am willing to let bygones be bygones, as hard as it is to do. I am not full of myself, please this is not the case. I am even willing to throw myself on my knees and beg her to come back. When I discovered this affair, I was not yelling or even insulting her. I was calm and asked her why did she do this? I asked her what have I done to deserve this from her? I was in tears and disbelief and sorrow is what i felt.

As far as the kids are concerned, they are fine. Grandma’s house is just about 5 minutes away, we live in a small town.
 
I’m glad the kids are ok.

I’m also sorry you are in so much pain right now. As I said, what your wife did was soooo very wrong. Have you been able to talk to her at all? Do you think she is willing to come back? If you’re willing to have her live in the home again, I think that’s better than having her at her grandparents house. At your home you can show her how much you have changed and how badly you want to be together?

I’m not sure though. Maybe if you are together, maybe you will just fight?

I don’t think I have any good advice. I will pray for you though.
 
Hi everyone, I would just like to give you guys an update of what has happened in the last couple of weeks. Its been rough going thru this, but thank the Lord that I am still with Him.

After our episode 2 sundays ago, I saw my wife at the store with the kids and I told her that even though she is not asking for it, that I forgive her for what she has done. She told me that she doesnt feel like she has cheated on me because she told me that things were over between us a long time ago. I told her that thru the eyes of God we are still married. I also let her know that I had her lovers cell phone number and sent a text message thru the computer telling him that, In the name of Jesus Christ I forgive him and my wife for the betrayl they commited against me and God. I just sent him that text with out a reply number because I didnt care to hear from him again, or wether or not he thinks I am studid for doing that.

We have been talking with each other more, and I see that we have better communication now than when we were together. Before she would just shut herself out and we would not really talk with each other. She has closed out her feelings for a long time and now that we are seperated she is being more open about what she feels. She told me that now she remebers a lot more and crying. She also told me that she needs time to be apart from me, to orginize her thoughts and feelings. I told her that I will give her all the time she needs. I’ve told her that I will give her all the support she needs, that she can call me and talk to me any time she needs to, and that I will always be there for her. She responded very positively to all this and thanked me. I asked her today about her affair and she told me not to meddle in her personal life. She doesnt want me to interfere and wants me to forget about what she does and care for the kids. I didnt reply back, but I just can’t give up on us. I have a really strong feeling within me to keep on fighting to keep on being there for her.

I feel confused at the same time about this because everyone in her family has told me to give up on her and to move on, my family is responding the same. I don’t want to sound weak, but this feeling that I have is very strong. I just can’t give up on us, despite all that has happened, I still have the will to keep on fighting.
 
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