Was I uncharitable in my actions/speech?

[Rozellelily]

I live in Australia and sadly,recently a girl was raped and killed when walking home through a park after her work/comedy gig.
For some reason I went on twitter (which is strange as I literally hardly hardly ever go on it) and came across people having a public discussion about it.
A lot of feminists were suggesting things like that the police were victim blaming by making statements warning women to have situational awareness when walking alone at night and that people shouldn’t blame the victim and women should be able to walk safety in the park.
This to me seemed like wrong reasoning so I said:

Me:
"noone should EVER blame her.We SHOULD be able to walk the streets at night/we should be able to reclaim our streets backs.In REALITY though,there are some very dangerous individuals out there,so women,don’t live in fear but I caution against walking alone at night."

Her(twitter responder 1):
Albert Einstein had said, one of the most important questions we can ever ask, is whether the universe is a friendly place.
Well, i kind of like mister Einstein and believe our world and people are mostly good.

Me:
They are but most good people don’t casually hang around at night in secluded parks.The 95% good might not be present to help when the 5% bad attempt an attack.

Her(twitter responder 2):
You don’t know me. Why do you presume to know my reality better than I do? Who are you to caution me? A woman just died in horrifying circumstances. If women choose to walk alone they may do so out of necessity, hardship, reason or defiance but they do not do so out of ignorance.
It’s common sense not to. So when we do it, there’s almost always a very good reason for it. Why are you aggressively telling us what we already know? As you say, it’s common sense. Do you think women don’t have common sense? Do you think that’s why women get murdered?

Me:
Actually,I’m a woman too.People & police caution simply because they care about each other.If you choose to walk alone at night because of defiance,be aware that defiance won’t save you from a rapist.Its a risk I won’t be taking.

Did I say something uncharitable?
If yes how should I have responded in a way that gets my point across but while still being charitable?

It’s hard for me to understand the reasoning behind these countless “twitter women” who equate police warning to be cautious as being victim blaming.
Me personally,if a police officer was to say to me be careful when walking in xyz park because a woman was raped there earlier I would be greatful that they warned me!
In no way would I confuse their concern with them blaming me.
They also seem to not understand that realistic warnings to be cautious/situational awareness are not exclusive of making other more important changes such as how men perceive women,better lighting in parks etc…

 

[Lou2U]

Never try to have debates over social media. They never have good end results, as you’ve found out - they just make people frustrated and more entrenched in their own position.

I do think your last response was harsh, and I think your assumption of “defiance” wasn’t a good thing to say. Honestly, I would have just stepped away.

 

[heidi_storage]

I say no, but I also think it’s useless to argue. “Don’t tell me I can’t drink 7 beers at a frat party then walk a mile home at midnight! People shouldn’t rape! Teach your sons not to rape!” Get that kind of mindset, and you cannot really do anything about it.

 

[angel12]

I think that in the context of a general discussion about safety, those remarks would have been fine. But when it’s a discussion about a specific, recent incident, it can come across as victim-blaming, even though I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way. The blame is squarely on the perpetrator.

 

[Rozellelily]

Thanks Lou2U,

I only mentioned defiance because she herself first mentioned defiance as a potential reason Ie:her comment was "If women choose to walk alone they may do so out of necessity, hardship, reason or defiance but they do not do so out of ignorance" not because I was making that assumption of why.

My concern was that if she,I,or anyone choose to walk in secluded parks at night simply due to a display of defiance,potential rapist/killer doesn’t care and it won’t help us.
The act of “defiance” might make a person feel good themselves but is the feeling worth it as this “foolishness” might also cost them their lives?

In which way,could I have said it more charitably and less harsh sounding please?

I would have loved to have also covered the other “options” that she mentioned-
Ie:that I sympathise with women who have to do so due to financial hardship but unfortunately twitter only allows your response to have so many characters.
Somehow,I get the feeling that these words anyway would have fallen on deaf ears though?

I’m totally receptive to any “correction” though you have.

 

[Rozellelily]

Isn’t this her perceptual issue though if she takes it that way though?
Especially regarding when an individual starts a sentence with “no one should ever blame her…”
Wouldn’t that be telling a reasonable person who has good reasoning ability that they believe the victim should never be blamed and that the blame is (of course!) solely on the perpetrator?
I should also point out the context surrounding this is that police came out making a statement for women to be cautious to have situational awareness when walking in secluded parks etc at night.
Some women (including ones I’m referring to) misinterpreted this as victim blaming.

That’s the only statement police made along these lines.
They (or nobody else including me) for no moment thought or mentioned “bad” statements like what was she doing walking alone,what was she wearing or anything else damaging along those lines.
Simply to be cautious and aware.
Which I’m sure they (police) would say to both men and women if for example there was a serial killer about/on loose somewhere.

As it is their (the Twitter women) misinterpretation,aren’t they the ones at fault?
Sometimes it seems some people just want to misinterpret things in anyway they want and then expect society to bend for them/their disordered thinking?

I don’t know how this misinterpretation comes about-perhaps they were victims of sexual abuse in the past and that then is the filter through how they see everything now,I don’t know?
If that’s the case then I have compassion and sympathy,but at the same time the world shouldn’t have to change/adapt itself to people’s distorted perceptions/lens…should it?

I’m a woman too and in no way do I (mis)interpret police,my family or anyone else telling me to be cautious as being victim blaming/blaming me.

 

[Rozellelily]

Like Lou2U said I probably should have walked away but I saw all these Twitter types all just want to have a conversation to each other reaffirming their same mindset-a soapbox of sort-wouldn’t it be good for them to be open and receptive to different opinions too?

Also,they seem very quick to anger and make misperceptions on what people (not just me have said) -isn’t it better to be civil and ask for clarification if needed?

 

[Rozellelily]

They don’t seem open to or capable of understanding that people can objectively caution but at the same time also teach men/sons not to rape.

It’s like they have this imbalance where they can only see things as one way or the other and if a person says one then they feel they don’t/can’t mean the other way too simultaneously etc?

 

[DeniseNY]

I don’t think you were harsh. What you wrote was cautionary, and ithink, prudent. It’s the sad reality of the world in which we live.

 

[Allegra]

In my opinion, this lady was confusing your post with someone else’s. (Which happens a lot when people argue with multiple people online. They seem to combine their opposition into one argument and assume that because one opponent said something, all other opponents are in agreement with that.) Nothing that you posted here indicates “aggression” or assumes anything about her “reality”.

In regards to this issue. Yes, victim blaming does exist. Yes, sometimes people have to walk home alone at night. Yes, that is something to be avoided if possible. No, I don’t think encouraging people to find more creative ways to avoid walking alone at night are “victim blaming”.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Honestly, twitter seems to be a place where people are their very worst selves.

I’d just pray for the soul of the deceased, the family and friends, pray for the perpetrator and his family, and do all you can to be an example of love in your community. Just, don’t do it on twitter.

 

[Lou2U]

I only mentioned defiance because she herself first mentioned defiance as a potential reason Ie:her comment was "If women choose to walk alone they may do so out of necessity, hardship, reason or defiance but they do not do so out of ignorance" not because I was making that assumption of why.

I completely missed that - I’m sorry! Disregard what I said about it.

My concern was that if she,I,or anyone choose to walk in secluded parks at night simply due to a display of defiance,potential rapist/killer doesn’t care and it won’t help us.
The act of “defiance” might make a person feel good themselves but is the feeling worth it as this “foolishness” might also cost them their lives?

I think you have good points, but as you say, twitter isn’t really a good place for discussing this kind of thing. You’re right in that she probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.