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slh3016
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“It was more planned than the question you just asked.”
^^^^This one was the one that made me LOL.
^^^^This one was the one that made me LOL.
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alphawoman
Guest
When people ask if or when we’re having more children, I always say, “Time will tell,” or “we’ll see.” And, if they follow up with, “but do you want more children”, I just repeat myself. It gets boring verrrry quickly for them.
As to the “was your child planned”, I just answer, “that’s a personal question.” Any follow up questions or comments get a repeat in a bored monotone.
On rare occasions where I’m tired and feeling vindictive, I just respond with an equally inappropriate non-sequitur question like, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting question. I wonder, … [insert invasive personal question].”
Example:
As to the “was your child planned”, I just answer, “that’s a personal question.” Any follow up questions or comments get a repeat in a bored monotone.
On rare occasions where I’m tired and feeling vindictive, I just respond with an equally inappropriate non-sequitur question like, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting question. I wonder, … [insert invasive personal question].”
Example:
- have you ever had treatment for anal fissures?
Never been pregnant but always been “blessed” with a belly. I learned to avoid certain fashions that emphasize it. And I never ask THAT question, let alone pat the baby bump.
Once when I was working in a medical supply office, I was standing at the counter discussing the paperwork with the customer. It was about nine in the morning. She reached out and patted my stomach and said, “So how far along are you?”
I said, “IF I am, then probably about twelve hours.”
My BIL and his wife have fourteen children. When people find out, they usually gasp and say, “Shouldn’t they get fixed?” I always respond, “Fixed? They seem to be working just fine!”
Once when I was working in a medical supply office, I was standing at the counter discussing the paperwork with the customer. It was about nine in the morning. She reached out and patted my stomach and said, “So how far along are you?”
I said, “IF I am, then probably about twelve hours.”
My BIL and his wife have fourteen children. When people find out, they usually gasp and say, “Shouldn’t they get fixed?” I always respond, “Fixed? They seem to be working just fine!”
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ToeInTheWater
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I know a woman who said this even though she actually WAS pregnant!
Just to prove a point about how rude that question was.
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ThyKingdomCome
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I haven’t been asked this much. The few times it has been asked, it has seemed pretty innocent. People often don’t have much experience with the concept of being “open to life” or with people who don’t attempt to control their fertility with contraception. And the reality is that within this world of total control, it is quite common for mothers to be perfectly forthright when a pregnancy is unplanned, or a surprise, or etc… So I tend to be pretty forgiving of intrusive questions, because I think many (if not most) people simply don’t realize that it might be an offensive question. For that matter, I’ve probably asked questions that would offend people - because I wanted to get to know a person, or perhaps suspected that their answer would lead us to realize we had something in common - and clumsily attempted to bond or make a connection. I hope that people would be forgiving of my clumsy attempts at kindness, so I try to do the same for others.
I am likely to use that question as an opportunity to evangelize. For example, “Was it planned? Hmmm…well, you see, I use Natural Family Planning, and we had decided that we weren’t going to try to avoid pregnancy, nor were we going to try to get pregnant. So since, NFP allows me to understand so clearly when I am fertile, we certainly knew that when we had relations we might get pregnant, but then we were ok either way.” The beauty of an answer like that is that if you are answering a well-intentioned person, you have just taught them something very valuable about NFP, and potentially planted a seed. But if you are answering an intrusive person, you are likely to give them way more answer than they bargained for, and you will probably shut them up with that level of tmi.
I suppose that even if I knew the person was simply being rude, I wouldn’t start out with, “well, I did have fertile mucus on the day my husband and I made love…” but I sure would be tempted - could you imagine the reaction to that one?
I know there is this whole think about politeness and boundaries. But personally, I believe that we should be shouting about NFP and openness to life from the rooftops. Keeping it a secret is almost like hiding your light under a bushel. I mean, sure, family planning is private, but since much of the battleground of the culture is in the area of sex and fertility, and since inappropriate uses of both of those are bombarding us in a public way at every turn, I don’t know a better way to witness to this than taking these opportunities to let it shine. It is even possible that these rude questions are coming from a deep, subconscious, inner prompting of the Holy Spirit.
I am likely to use that question as an opportunity to evangelize. For example, “Was it planned? Hmmm…well, you see, I use Natural Family Planning, and we had decided that we weren’t going to try to avoid pregnancy, nor were we going to try to get pregnant. So since, NFP allows me to understand so clearly when I am fertile, we certainly knew that when we had relations we might get pregnant, but then we were ok either way.” The beauty of an answer like that is that if you are answering a well-intentioned person, you have just taught them something very valuable about NFP, and potentially planted a seed. But if you are answering an intrusive person, you are likely to give them way more answer than they bargained for, and you will probably shut them up with that level of tmi.
I suppose that even if I knew the person was simply being rude, I wouldn’t start out with, “well, I did have fertile mucus on the day my husband and I made love…” but I sure would be tempted - could you imagine the reaction to that one? I know there is this whole think about politeness and boundaries. But personally, I believe that we should be shouting about NFP and openness to life from the rooftops. Keeping it a secret is almost like hiding your light under a bushel. I mean, sure, family planning is private, but since much of the battleground of the culture is in the area of sex and fertility, and since inappropriate uses of both of those are bombarding us in a public way at every turn, I don’t know a better way to witness to this than taking these opportunities to let it shine. It is even possible that these rude questions are coming from a deep, subconscious, inner prompting of the Holy Spirit.
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ThyKingdomCome
Guest
Oh and I’ve been asked if I was pregnant when I wasn’t. And another time, I was told how noticeable my pregnancy was when I was too early to be showing. That’s when I say, “no, that’s not the baby, that’s just dinner.” I have also been told by a relative, multiple times, in different pregnancies that she couldn’t believe there weren’t twins in there, that’s how big I was. Like most overweight women, I’m self conscious about my weight, and while I joke and laugh it off at the time, it makes me feel awful for someone to point out my problem. So I take the opposite to the extreme. I will not ask someone if she is pregnant or when she is due, even if it seems totally obvious. Recently, I saw a neighbor who was 6 months pregnant, and very obviously so - being otherwise rail thin, and being classically “all baby” and I refused to ask. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Totally silly, but I have this fear that someone will tell me that they have a tumor instead, and my experiences have just bothered me too much for me to be reasonable.
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Anglewannabe
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Just curious but who are these responses intended for? Strangers? Aquaitances ? Close friends? Co-workers? or family
Whenever there is a discussion/complaining session about nosy people asking when someone will marry, get pregnant or stop having kids and the consensus is ‘These questions are rude’ and I tell of a time an aunt has asked me when I will get married, everyone changes their tone and says ‘But that is family, that is OK for her to ask’. I don’t understand why it would be OK for family to hurt you.
So again, who are these snappy come backs intended for?
Whenever there is a discussion/complaining session about nosy people asking when someone will marry, get pregnant or stop having kids and the consensus is ‘These questions are rude’ and I tell of a time an aunt has asked me when I will get married, everyone changes their tone and says ‘But that is family, that is OK for her to ask’. I don’t understand why it would be OK for family to hurt you.
So again, who are these snappy come backs intended for?
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pensmama87
Guest
I don’t think it’s OK for your aunt to ask. Being blood related doesn’t mean a person can’t be nosy or rude.
Basically, to answer your question, I say, “it depends.”
Specifically, it depends on your relationship with the individual person and the context. I remember one wedding my husband and I went to where we were asked repeatedly by several friends intimate questions about our second pregnancy (I was only about two weeks from my due date and we were still the only parents in that social group, so I was a curiosity to them). I wouldn’t have minded talking to them one on one about it (and actually did, later, with several), but in a huge group in front of lots of other people - nope, not the time or place.You can also gauge sometimes whether a stranger’s questions are well-meant or if they’re just nosy, or again, if the circumstances warrant seriously answering a question. Sometimes people say dumb things just to fill silences. Or sometimes they say things to be hurtful or to try and teach you a lesson (this one happened to me if I was out in public with my kids and my babysitting kids - I got lots of stern “Are these ALL yours?” with the clear indication that the appropriate answer was “No.”)
Part of the problem is that the standard, “I’m sorry, I don’t wish to discuss this,” is often heard by the recipient as, “This is a huge problem and I am being private about it but it makes me really really unhappy,” so the nosy or gossipy person now thinks they have inside information on you. A “snappy” comeback can be useful with the individual who never knows limits or boundaries because it draws it sharply but doesn’t offer the same level of emotional vulnerability. It can also very pointedly expose that the other person is being rude.
Our chosen response is actually not very rude - “We weren’t not trying,” but it’s vague enough (yet still answers the question!) And truthfully, in many situations I honestly answer and kindly because I can tell the question is well-meant and the person is honestly curious, and it’s the kind of information I would share with that person. But maybe I am also blessed that I don’t generally get asked that question by people who I think have no right to it.
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Anglewannabe
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Well, that is kind of you. Sadly, you are one of the few people I have met that see things that way. And yes, it is true people always think the offense is because I would want a husband/kids. People seems too hard headed to understand they are the offense
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Xantippe
Guest
Oh, I know! My guardian angel kept me from asking a kid’s teacher when she was due at a meet-the-teacher night. I was this close. She had had the baby about three months earlier.
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EasterJoy
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It is always OK to say, “How are you doing these days? You’re looking good!”
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Allegra
Guest
I had to visit the perinatal center at the hospital and the nurse was apparently new at finding babies in fat women. She was apologizing for having trouble finding the heartbeat when she had the monitor on my spare tire. I told her she was “too high”, and she moved it less than an inch. Seriously, lady, the problem might have something to do with the fact that you’re looking for a baby six inches above my navel! Unless the baby is camping out in my ribcage, I don’t think you’re going to have much luck!
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alphawoman
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Tangent alert: that reminds me of my first (and last) physical with a new doctor. She was palpating my abdomen and became concerned, saying, "I think your liver is inflamed. Do you feel this ridge here?"My response: “Yes, those are my oblique abdominals.” (They were even visible through my skin and she still couldn’t identify them properly!!! Yikes!)
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Ms_Manners
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That’s awesome. Both the number of kids and their response.
After being asked this so many times, I was the person who asked the question once.
Everyone at the dog park seems to be having babies now, I was already pregnant, and here comes a woman we know with a new bump and much bigger bust. So everyone’s pregnant, we are all about the same age, many of us got married at about the same time, I know more than 10 women who are pregnant or have a baby under a year now… My mouth was faster than my brain. Very embarassing.
I think that was the only time I asked that question, usually I really make it a policy not to ask.
(And I totally blame the pregnancy brain, I see baby bumps everywhere.)
I don’t think it’s okay for anyone at all to ask.
I am even uneasy when people go out of their way to point out that their baby wasn’t planned, since usually they complain about how inconvenient it is, and I don’t like to participate in pregnancy-bashing.
Funny, but no one asked us.
It’s our first and we wanted a baby (postponed to work on our finances), we were married for more than 2 years when I got pregnant, and everyone took our NFP (which we didn’t broadcast, but didn’t really hide either) to mean that we were trying.
Even if they asked, no one would believe it actually wasn’t planned, it was a combination of a stressful period and a very short break in my charting.
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Allegra
Guest
Rachel Ray asked one of her guests today. On national TV? That’s pretty nervy, even for her!
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grasscutter
Guest
It would be seriously funny to respond with, “Gosh, I don’t know if it’s planned or not. I haven’t figured out what is causing this. If you know, would you be so kind as to explain it to me. I’m quite confused so please use as much detail as you can.”
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kptrs
Guest
Seriously??? Her show’s about food, right? What’s a planned vs. unplanned pregnancy got to do with anything?
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kptrs
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