Was this wrong of me?

[Willsfirecracke]

My parents have been divorced for a couple years. This entire time I have heard it from both sides about how the other parent is worthless, just not worded that nicely. My older brother ended up pretty much severing contact with both of them because of it. I on the other hand have just been taking it blow after blow. My relationship with my parents are pretty much a love hate relationship anyways. We go extended periods of time where we have no contact what-so-ever.

My little sister is unfortunately stuck in the middle of this whole controversy. At 14 she has been through more than I have at 23. Recently we found out that she was assaulted by my mothers ex boyfriend. Ever since then my dad has been on a rampage. He texts me late at night to complain about something my mom said to my sister or something she did.

Tonight was no exception. My sister apparently told my step mom that she “partly blames my dad for what happened cause if he never left my mom it would have never happened.” To some degree I see where she is coming from. But at 14 I don’t think she really understands what all happened and what all is going on. To be honest I don’t understand either.

My dad texted me to complain saying that my mom is the one shoving that s*** down her throat and planting the ideas in his head. He went off about how she was right and that he shouldn’t have divorced my mom cause then his children wouldn’t be upset with him and his new wife wouldnt be sucking him dry financially.

At this point I have had enough from both of them. I don’t know why they come to me other than I’m the one who usually keeps my mouth shut. But tonight I have had enough. I told my dad that while he was on the regret trail why not wish he hadn’t met my mom to begin with. That would have saved him from a lot of trouble. he agreed with me and I told him that there was no point in dwelling in the past because it only leaves a person bitter. What happened happened. It’s called life. Accept it, deal with it, and move on. I assured him I wasn’t mad, and that I was just tired of hearing his pity party and that he’s not the only one suffering from all this.

I feel bad for what I said, however i don’t feel that i was completely in the wrong. I really don’t see what good it does to complain to your children about your own problems. I feel they are making me choose sides which I refuse to do.

 

[Kindness]

I’m so sorry you and your siblings are suffering this way, especially if your sister’s personal safety is not even protected.

It is totally inappropriate that your parents are coming to you complaining about each other. I know up to now you have tried to turn the other cheek but I think this is the time to set up some personal boundaries. The only way your brother has managed to do this is cut off all contact with your parents. For your sister’s sake I don’t think this is the way to go. Make sure your sister knows she can always talk to you and you are there for her.

With your parents you just have to tell them you will not have conversations with them criticizing the other. If they need to vent they need to turn to other adults and not their own children grown-up or otherwise. If one of them starts change the subject or say,“I won’t be able to stay here/stay on the phone if you are going to criticize, let’s talk about something else”. If they won’t, just say “I have to go” and leave/hang up.

You are under no obligation to suffer more hurt by hearing all this negativity against your other parent. I don’t think your reaction was unreasonable in your conversation with your father but do your best to not be draw into a cycle of negativity.

Do you have any social support, family, friends, spiritual director you can turn to to discuss this with. What about your sister?

 

[aloejamb]

My parents have been divorced for about 6 yrs (after 32 years of marriage)…it’s no picnic and I feel for you. I think what you said is perfectly normal and sometimes love is tough love. I too have had to use tough talk in order to create a healthy boundary for myself. That’s not to say that I haven’t felt guilt about the way I have talked to my parents ( I too was not mad, just passionate in my feelings). The results though are that my wish to stay out of things is respected. My words may not have been well received during the initial conversation but after they have had time to think about it, they realize I am right.
I have also made the mistake right after their divorce of getting involved. My goal at the time was to “help”. It cost me an emotional price that had I to do it again, I would not and I regret it.
I think it is very wise of you at only 23 years of age to be able to say what you did. I was in my early 30’s and was unable to set up these boundaries.
You also have the element of having a sibling who is a minor. This is very tough. I don’t think it to be wrong to advocate on her behalf. Maybe if your parents understand how it makes you feel when they complain about each other to you, they will understand what it is doing to your younger sister.
My thoughts and prayers are with you especially as the holiday season starts.

 

[Willsfirecracke]

Thank you for your replies. This whole things is no walk in the park by any means. This is minor compared to some of the things that I have been through with my parents.

I have a few friends I can talk to. Only one however has had to deal with divorced parents. She has met both of my parents and unfortunately my dad tries to drag her into it as well. She on the other hand has no problem telling him how it is. She’s been helping me through this the best she can without trying to get too involved.

My sister has her friends, and unfortunately i cant talk to highly of them. She is in counseling, and thank goodness for that. We wouldn’t have found out about what happened to her if she wasn’t. We have always told her she can come to us about anything no matter what. Unfortunately it took her over a year to come to us about what happened.

I have lost contact with one parent a time or two because of this same problem, and because I was tired of the verbal and mental abuse from them. however I would like to avoid that from happening this time given the circumstances. I have told my dad on several occasions that I was tired of him talking about my mom the way he does and he puts up his defenses and gets even more negative about her. My mom on occasion does the same thing. I have been at my wits end for quite some time.

 

[Kindness]

Unfortunately we cannot change anyone else, only ourselves and our own behavior. Pray for them (and yourself) and do what is necessary, charitably, to protect yourself from emotional and verbal abuse.

 

[iluvmybabies]

WOW Willsfire I am so sorry you are going through this! I am in a similar situation except it’s my exhusband doing all the damage!! It’s depressing to even try to communicate with him because all he does is insult me and tell me off esp when all I want to do is keep a good and positive communication between us for our 3 children’s sake! He doesn’t care at all! All he wants to do is tell me off every chance he can or say horrible things or try to manipulate everything accordingly to him!!! My daughter is tired of him, she’s 11, she doesn’t even like him, she loves him that is her father but she rather not hear from him than have to deal with his smart remarks or rude comments…And his inability to talk to her for as long as she wants to talk to him…

I don’t know why once a couple separates, divorces or whatever, moves on with their lives they just can’t try to get along even for the children?! He would always tell my daughter things like “i will come see you this year!” But never show up and she would see him on his myspace page shopping taking his new wife out going to disney world etc and then her huge engagement ring my daughter had a nervous breakdown and tried to hurt herself when she was almost 10…she was in and out of counselor’s and help, I was exhausted and tired frustrated and hoping she would recover soon, it was a long fight and the one that had to deal with it all was me…when I finally had the guts to tell him he responded with “well look at the mother she has of course she’d rather kill herself than live with you!” It was so devastating to see this man be the way he is…Still to this day almost 4 years later he is taking me to court to remove child support because he’s done paying for his kids, lol, this isn’t even it, my mother let me know that his grandmother told my grandmother that he’s hired an attorney to remove his parental rights all together!! LOL

I don’t care, I really don’t even better for me, my kids will never have to deal with him…I don’t make my kids choose sides, it’s not fair for them…you know?! I loved that man once, he is the father of my children, I bare him no ill will, but it’s so hard to even want to have anything to do with him when he’s pure EVIL!!! And the ones wanting to be with him are his kids and he doesn’t even care about them!!!

I think you did a wise thing in telling your father to stop!!! You are very wise and I feel so horrible for all of you!!! You will be in my prayers! If your mother starts with you like your father does then tell her the same thing, they need to grow up! They are acting like they are the children and not you! Not only that but not even taking care of your sister? Your parents need to wake up and see the damage they are causing…The lack of interest in your sister’s safety is horrible! Is there anyway you can take her with you? Or your older sibling? Hang in there…GOD BLESS!

 

[Catholic1954]

My parents have been divorced for a couple years. This entire time I have heard it from both sides about how the other parent is worthless, just not worded that nicely. My older brother ended up pretty much severing contact with both of them because of it. I on the other hand have just been taking it blow after blow. My relationship with my parents are pretty much a love hate relationship anyways. We go extended periods of time where we have no contact what-so-ever.

My little sister is unfortunately stuck in the middle of this whole controversy. At 14 she has been through more than I have at 23. Recently we found out that she was assaulted by my mothers ex boyfriend. Ever since then my dad has been on a rampage. He texts me late at night to complain about something my mom said to my sister or something she did.

Tonight was no exception. My sister apparently told my step mom that she “partly blames my dad for what happened cause if he never left my mom it would have never happened.” To some degree I see where she is coming from. But at 14 I don’t think she really understands what all happened and what all is going on. To be honest I don’t understand either.

My dad texted me to complain saying that my mom is the one shoving that s*** down her throat and planting the ideas in his head. He went off about how she was right and that he shouldn’t have divorced my mom cause then his children wouldn’t be upset with him and his new wife wouldnt be sucking him dry financially.

At this point I have had enough from both of them. I don’t know why they come to me other than I’m the one who usually keeps my mouth shut. But tonight I have had enough. I told my dad that while he was on the regret trail why not wish he hadn’t met my mom to begin with. That would have saved him from a lot of trouble. he agreed with me and I told him that there was no point in dwelling in the past because it only leaves a person bitter. What happened happened. It’s called life. Accept it, deal with it, and move on. I assured him I wasn’t mad, and that I was just tired of hearing his pity party and that he’s not the only one suffering from all this.

I feel bad for what I said, however i don’t feel that i was completely in the wrong. I really don’t see what good it does to complain to your children about your own problems. I feel they are making me choose sides which I refuse to do.

Your Dad needed to hear this, and more! Unfortunately, your parents are acting like the children and forcing you guys to be the adults and deal with it. Get together with your brother and sister and call a family meeting; tell both of your parents that if they want to bicker with each other, from now on they will have to do it face to face, and leave you out of it. You will no longer be available to listen, sympathize, offer advice or agree with anything either one of them has to say about the other. It will be hard to stick with that, but after someone gets hung up on, or gets walked out on, they will believe you are serious and stop. BTW has anyone filed a police report or sent your younger sister to counceling regarding the assault?

 

[Willsfirecracke]

Your Dad needed to hear this, and more! Unfortunately, your parents are acting like the children and forcing you guys to be the adults and deal with it. Get together with your brother and sister and call a family meeting; tell both of your parents that if they want to bicker with each other, from now on they will have to do it face to face, and leave you out of it. You will no longer be available to listen, sympathize, offer advice or agree with anything either one of them has to say about the other. It will be hard to stick with that, but after someone gets hung up on, or gets walked out on, they will believe you are serious and stop. BTW has anyone filed a police report or sent your younger sister to counceling regarding the assault?

A police report has been filed, but so far it has been almost 2 months and nothing has been done. We are pressing charges, but that takes a while I guess She has been in counseling since she was 10 and she’s now 14.