Wedding customs

[fencersmother]

Hello!

Can someone clear up a few questions for me?

1. I have read that for Catholic weddings it is not customary, nor required, nor desired, for a bride’s father to “walk her down the aisle” as this implies she is chattel, something he could give away. And, that the bride and groom give themselves to each other, this is not the norm at Catholic weddings. Is this true?
2. The Unity Candle… Our parochial vicar says not permitted; our pastor says permitted and encouraged. What’s right?
3. Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses which lack sleeves - or even lack tops (as is the current fashion): permitted?

Thank you!

 

[Lorelei12]

1. Yes, the bride and groom give themselves to each other, and it is not required that the father/parents of the bride walk her down the aisle. However, it is still pretty common and there’s nothing wrong with it.
2. I think it depends on the parish. In some it is allowed, but in mine it was discouraged. I didn’t care anyway- it’s not part of the rite of marriage.
3. Also probably depends on the parish. There were no specific rules at mine, but my dress had cap sleeves and the bridesmaids had wraps anyway.

 

[Allegra]

Different parishes have different rules. The father-of-the-bride thing is not part of the wedding liturgy and our priest discouraged us from doing it for that reason. He did not forbide it, however, he clarified that he would not say, “Who gives this woman…” or anything like that because in a Catholic marriage, the woman must give herself. We didn’t care about that part. The part of the custom that was meaningful for us was my father walking me down the aisle, not the bit about “giving”.

The unitiy candle is definately not part of the wedding liturgy and our priest told us not to do it during the Mass. He suggested that if the ritual was meaningful for us, we could do it during the cake cutting at the reception.

I know of some parishs that have strict regulations on attire, but I think most do not. I agree with the sentiment that many if not most bridesmaids outfit are rediculous. I was once asked to wear one that looked like a black bath towel wrapped around me. It was completely indecent.

 

[EasterJoy]

Practically speaking, what your pastor allows, is allowed, but do not take that as carte blanche to do what you know well is improper. What is immodest anywhere else is especially out of place in a church and particularly at Mass. You ought to particularly remember that if the bridesmaids have nothing on their shoulders, they can appear to be naked from about ten pews back. A short person won’t be able to see a stitch of clothing on them. This is not good, let’s just say that. Even if it is hot, even if the “shawl” added is hardly more than a whisp of lace, I would highly recommend the women all cover their shoulders.

I have been to few Catholic weddings where the father did not walk the bride down the aisle. He did not “give her away,” though. That language is not in the Catholic liturgy. He simply took leave of her wordlessly when he reached the pew reserved for him and his wife, exchanging a hug and kiss with his daughter before she finished her walk up the aisle. Usually the bride kisses her mother, too, before her father takes his place in the pew of the bride’s parents. Then the bride finishes the last few steps of her walk alone. It seemed more of a symbol of family approval of the bride’s choice than anything else, kind of a “bon voyage” gesture from the established and fruitful marriage to the new one.

As for invented candle-lighting rituals, there are none that are part of the liturgy. It is sometimes tacked on before the greeting or at the end, before the bride and groom leave the church. It is more typical for a priest to draw the line at this ritual. Your pastor is the first one I’ve ever heard of who could be said to “encourage” the practice. Most I know simply endure it, tolerate it, or allow it.

 

[L_Marshall]

Hello!

Can someone clear up a few questions for me?

1. I have read that for Catholic weddings it is not customary, nor required, nor desired, for a bride’s father to “walk her down the aisle” as this implies she is chattel, something he could give away. And, that the bride and groom give themselves to each other, this is not the norm at Catholic weddings. Is this true?
2. The Unity Candle… Our parochial vicar says not permitted; our pastor says permitted and encouraged. What’s right?
3. Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses which lack sleeves - or even lack tops (as is the current fashion): permitted?

Thank you!

For Catholic weddings, many things are local custom. In a large part of the world, there’s no tradition of “giving a daughter away,” so this has never been part of a Catholic wedding. In those areas where the father of the bride walks her down the aisle, it’s permitted. It is neither required, or forbidden; encouraged, or discouraged.

A liturgist I know did some digging, and it ends up that the Unity Candle was invented by Halmark about 25 years ago. It has no tradition in the Catholic Rite of Marriage. I personally think it’s tacky. I would advise against it, as nothing should be added to the Liturgy.

I don’t have good sense or tastes when it comes to things like dresses, so I’ll abstain on the last point.

 

[1ke]

Hello!

Can someone clear up a few questions for me?

1. I have read that for Catholic weddings it is not customary, nor required, nor desired, for a bride’s father to “walk her down the aisle” as this implies she is chattel, something he could give away.

It is correct that the rubrics of the marriage rite do not include the father “giving away” the bride. There is no question asking “who gives this bride” nor any “if anyone’s knows just cause…”, as the investigation of freedom to marry occurs BEFORE the wedding, not AT the wedding.

The “chattel” thing is just something someone made up as an explanation . The real reason is because the bride and groom give the consent, not the parents.

The rubrics envision the bride and groom processing together in the entrance processional (I.e. the procession is basically like the Sunday procession) but does not prohibit the father walking the daughte down the aisle. At our wedding my DH’s parents walked him down the aisle and mine walked me down the aisle. The procession was crucifer, servers, wedding party (maids and groomsmen in pairs), groom escorted by parents, bride escorted by parents, deacon and priest. Escorting and “giving away” are not the same thing.

And, that the bride and groom give themselves to each other, this is not the norm at Catholic weddings. Is this true?

correct. The bride and groom freely exchange consent. That is what makes the marriage valid. Consummation makes it indissoluable.

1. The Unity Candle… Our parochial vicar says not permitted; our pastor says permitted and encouraged. What’s right?

The “unity candle” is not a part of the marriage rite. It is made up, from a tv soap opera. It has no place in the liturgy.

1. Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses which lack sleeves - or even lack tops (as is the current fashion): permitted?

Thank you!

Um, no.

 

[Tarpeian_Rock]

The earliest Catholic wedding I have any memory of was in 1956, the most recent a few months ago. I have never NOT seen the bride walked down the aisle by her father or a father stand-in. That said, the whole “unity candle” thing, definitely a newish innovation, leaves me cold.

 

[AClaire11]

Hello!

Can someone clear up a few questions for me?

1. I have read that for Catholic weddings it is not customary, nor required, nor desired, for a bride’s father to “walk her down the aisle” as this implies she is chattel, something he could give away. And, that the bride and groom give themselves to each other, this is not the norm at Catholic weddings. Is this true?
2. The Unity Candle… Our parochial vicar says not permitted; our pastor says permitted and encouraged. What’s right?
3. Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses which lack sleeves - or even lack tops (as is the current fashion): permitted?

Thank you!

1. In other countries where the legal marriage takes place before the church ceremony, this is common, but I’ve never been to a Catholic wedding where the father didn’t give the daughter away.
2. The Unity Candle has no place in a Catholic wedding ceremony. Listen to the parochial vicar. If you’re comfortable doing so, I’d also find some good Catholic sources about the candle and show them to the pastor.
3. Some churches may not prohibit them, but modesty should always be preserved, especially when taking part in a sacrament. Fashionable shrugs or shawls can be worn over strapless dresses if need be.

 

[Avocadomom]

Our church strongly suggested that my (now) husband and I walk into the church together. I get the symbolism, but no way was that going to fly. I had dreamed of my father escorting me since I was a young girl!

The unity candle is a tacky, secular custom. Same with the sand in the jar.

Of the last ten weddings I’ve been to, every single bride wore strapless and about 7 of those were Catholic weddings.

 

[bluerose]

My father walked me down the aisle and my husband-to-be met us at the first pew (where the parents sat). My father gave me his blessing then I took my husband-to-be’s arm and we finished processing to our places at the front.

No unity candle. The whole idea seemed dumb to us.

Sleeves. No question.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

The “chattel” thing is just something someone made up as an explanation. The real reason is because the bride and groom give the consent, not the parents.

Isn’t that 6 of 1, half a dozen the other?

 

[Sunbreak]

*1) I have read that for Catholic weddings it is not customary, nor required, nor desired, for a bride’s father to “walk her down the aisle” as this implies she is chattel, something he could give away. And, that the bride and groom give themselves to each other, this is not the norm at Catholic weddings. Is this true?
*
In most Catholic weddings I have been to, the father escorts the daughter but doesn’t give her away.

2) The Unity Candle… Our parochial vicar says not permitted; our pastor says permitted and encouraged. What’s right?
It’s not a Catholic custom but secular. Some archdiocesan websites actually say it should not be used.

*3) Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses which lack sleeves - or even lack tops (as is the current fashion): permitted? *
Most parishes have guidelines on this - if the gowns are immodest than the women should be wearing a wrap of some sort to cover up in church. Remember, this is a sacrament not a fashion show.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Hello!

Can someone clear up a few questions for me?

1. I have read that for Catholic weddings it is not customary, nor required, nor desired, for a bride’s father to “walk her down the aisle” as this implies she is chattel, something he could give away. And, that the bride and groom give themselves to each other, this is not the norm at Catholic weddings. Is this true?
2. The Unity Candle… Our parochial vicar says not permitted; our pastor says permitted and encouraged. What’s right?
3. Bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses which lack sleeves - or even lack tops (as is the current fashion): permitted?

Thank you!

1. A bride’s father can walk her down the aisle - but there is no formal “giving of the bride”. This implies that she cannot consent freely. Free consent is a requirement for Catholic marriage.
2. From my understanding, according to the rubrics, a unity candle cannot be used during the Nuptial Mass/service. If the couple wishes to have a unity candle, it can be used at the reception.
3. Women should be dressed modestly in church. Therefore, I cannot condone strapless gowns. I think it would depend on the nature of the dress as far as sleeveless, but in a very conservative parish, I think sleeveless could also be inappropriate. (You can get some very beautiful modest wedding gowns. Mine was GORGEOUS and had short sleeves.)