Weird living situation & arguments

[sillymayonnaise]

To make a long story short, my family was caught in the whirlwind of the current mortgage crisis, and my aunt is living with us. Unfortunately, as much as we all do care about her, we’re all starting to get on each other’s nerves.

Today my aunt and I got in a huge argument. I came home to find my room reorganized, which wouldn’t have been a bad thing, except that I had no idea where everything was. She wasn’t in the room when i found out, and I lost my temper, which is really not like me. But I was alone, and didn’t think to tone it down. When I went downstairs to ask her about the room, I found out that she had heard me from my room, and she cried harder than I’d ever seen her cry in my life. I apologized, and she accepted, and told me to just pretend it never happened.

I know that fights like this happen in every house. We all step on each other’s toes sometimes. But I guess my question is, how can I make her feel like less of burden? She’s been so miserable here these past few months, and I’m sure that our fight today made her feel worse. I know that what I did was wrong, and that there’s no easy way to rectify the things that we said to each other. But I want to make this hard time easier on everyone, and I just don’t know how to avoid these kinds of ridiculous conflicts. I can’t just pretend that today never happened.

Thank you in advance. <3

 

[Trishie]

Someone else’s presence in the house alters the dynamic of relationships for those already living there. It’s natural that there should be some unrest and difficulty.

Your Aunt’s action in re-arranging your room was well-intended but intrusive and unwise. Your annoyance was not surprising, but perhaps it is an opening for better understanding of boundaries and of each others’ needs.

Your Aunt needs to be of use. She feels beholden and is anxious not to be a nuisance, and to help, but her action had the opposite effect.

Can you think of and discuss with her ways in which she can actually be useful and feel needed? She feels like an intruder anyway, apart from the grief and loss of losing her home and independence, and I know from experience how hard it is to lose your own home and know you will never have a place of your own again. It’s not easy to get over that. And it’s awfully difficult to feel you are an intruder, and if it is in her nature to be very sensitive about that, she’s not likely to really overcome the super-sensitivity to any real or imagined indication she is in the way or is imposing on you.

If you can use this blow-up as an opportunity to discuss both boundaries, and ways in which you might welcome her help, then this upsetting event could bear worthwhile fruit. Is there also any way she can get involved with oourside activities…which would be beneficial all around.

Anyway, just my thoughts. God bless, Trishie

 

[griffibo]

Hi SillyM,

I’m sorry to hear about what’s happened.

I guess part of living in an extended family situation is, as Trishie mentioned, working out where the boudaries are. This is especially true for your Aunt as she tries to find her place in this new living situation.

I agree with Trishie that your Aunt probably is suffering in her current situation and probably had the best intentions in rearranging your room - perhaps she still sees you as a child of the family and made an honest mistake when she intruded on your space. In addition, I’m sure you didn’t realise she could hear you venting, otherwise you would have toned it down.

I’m sure your relationship with your Aunt will overcome this hiccup (because fights are totally normal and will occur at times) and you’ll both feel a lot better in a day or two.

Best wishes,
xxx

 

[Salonika]

sillymayonnaise:

Today my aunt and I got in a huge argument. I came home to find my room reorganized.

This is one of those situations that seems to me where an apology is needed for how you reacted not for reacting.

Also your aunt needs to apologise to you as rearranging someone else’s bedroom without their permission is intrusive especially as it involves moving someone else’s personal things. But then I get told I am too private - both personally and with other people’s things - I wouldn’t go into someone’s handbag to get something out even if they asked me to, I 'd turn up with their handbag instead.

So when things have calmed down some talking about boundaries would be a good idea perhaps from the point of view of let’s work out things that will suit us all. This is especially necessary if you and aunt are sharing a bedroom.

May seem a bit hard hearted to have these talks about boundaries but it should help in making sure there is not a repeat of what all in your household wish had not happened. Then you’ll all have the best chance of making the living situation work as well as possible.