Were you harmed by daycare?

[Xantippe]

Depending on how traditional a family is, sometimes a couple with a new baby will send the baby to live with relatives thousands of miles away. No one thinks it’s “abusive” or “harmful.” It’s what’s expected for familial care of a new child. I remember a woman recounted that explanation to me (it was her coworker), and how horrified this woman was. She said she was more surprised her coworker didn’t see anything wrong with it. Sometimes it’s a matter of culture.

Oh my goodness!

I know a Chinese couple in the US that has shipped their toddler back to grandma and grandpa in China, but I didn’t realize that it was an actual cultural thing that a lot of people do.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

Oh my goodness!

I know a Chinese couple in the US that has shipped their toddler back to grandma and grandpa in China, but I didn’t realize that it was an actual cultural thing that a lot of people do.

As I recall, spunjalebi is of South Asian descent. I recall a number of classmates and acquaintances of a similar background, who also had such an upbringing – born in the US, but “shipped back” to be cared for by parents or other relatives for several years.

I think such arrangements are no more considered “daycare” in such cultures, than most modern liberal egalitarian couples would consider the father to be “baby-sitting” his own children if he cares for them when the mother is working or otherwise occupied.

 

[Allegra]

And occasionally, it turns out that the in-home day car provider’s husband or boyfriend is a child molester.

There’s also a lot more awareness than there used to be of how often “helpful” relatives turn out to be up to no good.

There’s just as much a chance that a daycare center worker, parent, or even another child could be a molester. All the daycare center does is the same background check the state does. You can do the same check on any other provider (or their husbands). I really don’t think there’s the slightest reason to believe that an institutional daycare center with a revolving door of staff is less likely to hire a child molester (for nine bucks an hour) then your own informed intuition as a parent.

 

[brbgrl]

I do not have good memories of daycare and my sister was molested by a daycare provider. I do believe she was harmed as she suffered severe mental illness and is no longer with us (not blaming it all on daycare). I turned out “okay”, but do think I suffered some attachment and security issues that I’m still dealing with, but some of that may be related to being raised by a single parent with no father. It all depends on the situation. There are bad parents out there, who’s kids may benefit from spending some time with a loving childcare provider. That being said, my daughter was in a good in-home full-time daycare her first 2 years of life and despite having a good attachment to her provider, it was very stressful for her. She always came home cranky and clingy. And she was sick ALL THE TIME. Having to change childcare providers several times has also been hard on her and my son when he was an infant. We experience major behavioral problems with my daughter and my son refused bottles from every new provider until he built up some trust.

I never used to feel this way, but after having kids, I do believe they belong at home with a parent until at least school age, and I have no issue with parents who homeschool. While I don’t think I’m cut out to homeschool personally, I would love to be home for my kids when they get home from school. I do think it is good to leave your kids for a few hours here and there. They learn you come back and it gives you a break and if they have a healthy (not insecure) attachment it is good for everyone.

I’m sure there are many kids who were reletively unharmed by daycare. It’s hard to say though because you can’t compare them to how they would have turned out had they not gone.

 

[EasterJoy]

I do not have good memories of daycare and my sister was molested by a daycare provider. I do believe she was harmed as she suffered severe mental illness and is no longer with us (not blaming it all on daycare). I turned out “okay”, but do think I suffered some attachment and security issues that I’m still dealing with, but some of that may be related to being raised by a single parent with no father. It all depends on the situation. There are bad parents out there, who’s kids may benefit from spending some time with a loving childcare provider. That being said, my daughter was in a good in-home full-time daycare her first 2 years of life and despite having a good attachment to her provider, it was very stressful for her. She always came home cranky and clingy. And she was sick ALL THE TIME. Having to change childcare providers several times has also been hard on her and my son when he was an infant. We experience major behavioral problems with my daughter and my son refused bottles from every new provider until he built up some trust.

I never used to feel this way, but after having kids, I do believe they belong at home with a parent until at least school age, and I have no issue with parents who homeschool. While I don’t think I’m cut out to homeschool personally, I would love to be home for my kids when they get home from school. I do think it is good to leave your kids for a few hours here and there. They learn you come back and it gives you a break and if they have a healthy (not insecure) attachment it is good for everyone.

I’m sure there are many kids who were reletively unharmed by daycare. It’s hard to say though because you can’t compare them to how they would have turned out had they not gone.

Your post raises and important point in my mind: This is a question for parents to answer having considered their own situation. It is better not to think you can make this decision before you’ve ever had children and then never re-visit it. It depends on how you and your children do in the actual situation you choose.

If parents get too sold on we-both-have-to-work-full-time or one-of-us-must-be-stay-at-home-until-our-children-reach-age-X, they may resist clear signs that their previously best-discerned decision does not apply well to their actual situation. There is some try-it-and-see in play here, for those of us in this world who are fortunate enough to have any choice in the matter.

 

[Xantippe]

Your post raises and important point in my mind: This is a question for parents to answer having considered their own situation. It is better not to think you can make this decision before you’ve ever had children and then never re-visit it. It depends on how you and your children do in the actual situation you choose.

If parents get too sold on we-both-have-to-work-full-time or one-of-us-must-be-stay-at-home-until-our-children-reach-age-X, they may resist clear signs that their previously best-discerned decision does not apply well to their actual situation. There is some try-it-and-see in play here, for those of us in this world who are fortunate enough to have any choice in the matter.

Right.

For example, when there’s a medically very fragile child, group care may need to be taken off the table.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right.

For example, when there’s a medically very fragile child, group care may need to be taken off the table.

Likewise, it can be very hard for someone who has had her heart set on being a SAHM to admit that the isolation the arrangement puts on her in their family circumstance leaves her too much prone to depression or keeps her child from experiences the child needs and cannot get at home. If you get this idea that staying at home with your child is *always *best for the child when it can be done, you may stick in there even when everyone around you can see that making you into an isolated 24/7 caretaker is good for neither you nor your children.

It is not wrong to get salaried employment that doesn’t accomplish much except to pay for childcare, not when the arrangement benefits your child by producing parents with far better mental health. The take-home message is to do what is actually the best and actually possible for your family, rather than choosing a less-satisfactory situation because you are too caught up in what “ought to be” the best arrangement.

 

[Xantippe]

Likewise, it can be very hard for someone who has had her heart set on being a SAHM to admit that the isolation the arrangement puts on her in their family circumstance leaves her too much prone to depression or keeps her child from experiences the child needs and cannot get at home. If you get this idea that staying at home with your child is *always *best for the child when it can be done, you may stick in there even when everyone around you can see that making you into an isolated 24/7 caretaker is good for neither you nor your children.

It is not wrong to get salaried employment that doesn’t accomplish much except to pay for childcare, not when the arrangement benefits your child by producing parents with far better mental health. The take-home message is to do what is actually the best and actually possible for your family, rather than choosing a less-satisfactory situation because you are too caught up in what “ought to be” the best arrangement.

Right.

 

[sailor28]

The reality is children can be harmed by daycare, by homeschooling or by staying home full time with a parent. There is no black or white, right or wrong answer or way to raise children.

Personally, I was harmed by staying home with a mentally ill mother who had too many children too close together and could not care for all of them. I have a great deal of compassion for my mother so I don’t write that with bitterness and I love all my siblings. Daycare or preschool would have been a wonderful respite for me.

When my youngest was born I became ill and could not care for all my children. Since the Catholic culture I was surrounded by thought daycare was evil, my pride initially kept me from getting the help I needed. Eventually, my older kids did go to daycare for a time and they were not harmed. It was then I realized what a narrow perspective I had on the whole issue. It was rather humbling to realize how wrong I was about it.

The work of marriage is prayerfully discerning and working with your spouse to determine the best course of action for your family with your own unique circumstances.

 

[spunjalebi]

Your post raises and important point in my mind: This is a question for parents to answer having considered their own situation. It is better not to think you can make this decision before you’ve ever had children and then never re-visit it. It depends on how you and your children do in the actual situation you choose.

If parents get too sold on we-both-have-to-work-full-time or one-of-us-must-be-stay-at-home-until-our-children-reach-age-X, they may resist clear signs that their previously best-discerned decision does not apply well to their actual situation. There is some try-it-and-see in play here, for those of us in this world who are fortunate enough to have any choice in the matter.

I don’t have children, so my words may be worth a grain of salt BUT—

Having been raised in essentially two cultures at the same time (and dealing with the paradoxes and conflicts), it’s why I have decided families need to decide what is best for their family at a given time. A family may decide one thing at the start of the year, and then it turns upside down by June. Who knows.

Life is too unexpected to make such inflexible rules and expectations about family life. It’s the “mommy wars” or “trad wars” causing people to place their families under these tight constraints. I’ve noticed people have very strong opinions and beliefs about family life, and because it worked for them, they see no reason why it can’t work for others.

 

[brbgrl]

The reality is children can be harmed by daycare, by homeschooling or by staying home full time with a parent. There is no black or white, right or wrong answer or way to raise children.

Personally, I was harmed by staying home with a mentally ill mother who had too many children too close together and could not care for all of them. I have a great deal of compassion for my mother so I don’t write that with bitterness and I love all my siblings. Daycare or preschool would have been a wonderful respite for me.

When my youngest was born I became ill and could not care for all my children. Since the Catholic culture I was surrounded by thought daycare was evil, my pride initially kept me from getting the help I needed. Eventually, my older kids did go to daycare for a time and they were not harmed. It was then I realized what a narrow perspective I had on the whole issue. It was rather humbling to realize how wrong I was about it.

The work of marriage is prayerfully discerning and working with your spouse to determine the best course of action for your family with your own unique circumstances.

Exactly. Every situation is different and comparing yourself to others is not helpful.

 

[EasterJoy]

The reality is children can be harmed by daycare, by homeschooling or by staying home full time with a parent. There is no black or white, right or wrong answer or way to raise children.

Personally, I was harmed by staying home with a mentally ill mother who had too many children too close together and could not care for all of them. I have a great deal of compassion for my mother so I don’t write that with bitterness and I love all my siblings. Daycare or preschool would have been a wonderful respite for me.

When my youngest was born I became ill and could not care for all my children. Since the Catholic culture I was surrounded by thought daycare was evil, my pride initially kept me from getting the help I needed. Eventually, my older kids did go to daycare for a time and they were not harmed. It was then I realized what a narrow perspective I had on the whole issue. It was rather humbling to realize how wrong I was about it.

The work of marriage is prayerfully discerning and working with your spouse to determine the best course of action for your family with your own unique circumstances.

I cannot tell you how often I have heard a story similar to this. Parents are being given so many rigid opinions to follow that they can doubt their own ability to discern what is right for them. Then there is the bandwagon temptation that says you can’t try something and decide it doesn’t work for you without counting it as some huge and costly mistake. Do your best, and if later you learn better or see better, then do better yet. Don’t beat yourself up for doing the best you could with the information and resources you could see open to you at the time.