What are my obligations to my soon-to-be homeless mother?

[Lochias]

The OP is FEMALE. Have you even read her post?

This is not about your opinion, or even mine, but doing what is right for Mother. Right, not convenient, not easy. Right.

What the right thing actually is needs prayer and consideration and may not be so immediately apparent, especially at a distance.

Not to be nit picky, but I believe the OP is a woman.

My bad. I read the post, but was in a bit of a medicinal haze.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your Bible quotes are out of context with this situation, and you are obviously set in your opinion of the matter. I repeat: A son should take care of his mother, to the best extent that he can. That is my opinion.

Exactly. It is your opinion. My point was that when Jesus took care of his mother, the context was also not only different than this one, but* wildly* different.* Every time his mother was praised simply for being his mother, Jesus always insisted that she was to be praised, instead, for her outstanding obedience to God.* Here is another instance;

While he was speaking, a woman from the crowd called out and said to him, “Blessed is the womb that carried you and the breasts at which you nursed.” He replied, “Rather, blessed are those who hear the word of God and observe it.” Luke 11:27-28

The OP and her brother are not failing in the care of their mother. They have offered her care, and she did not want what they had to offer. They’re not giving her everything she wants when she wants it, and for their mother’s own eternal salvation, that may be just as well.

As for caring for those who cannot take care of themselves, Our Lord commanded us to do this for every least one of his brothers, the same as it were he himself in need. Of course the children of this woman ought to see to their mother’s legitimate needs, to the degree that they can. My point is that not everything she wants is a need and that they have to accept that until she is truly incapable, it is her choice to reject what she needs in order to get what she wants, and they aren’t bound to get her around the fact that she cannot have both. The truth is, if they don’t save their money for the day when she does actually need it, and instead give her money to cover penalties for irresponsibility that she could have avoided if she chose to attend to her own needs instead of her wants, they’ll not have anything left for the day when she actually is past the point where she can have her needs met by making better choices.

Where will those families be then? Where will the mother be? She has to be left to her consequences now, both so they’ll not have exhausted whatever resources they could have offered later and so that she might, by facing the consequences of her choices, gain an awakening and start making better choices.

 

[EasterJoy]

Those who honor their father atone for sins;
they store up riches who respect their mother.
Those who honor their father will have joy in their own children,
and when they pray they are heard.
Those who respect their father will live a long life;
those who obey the Lord honor their mother.
Those who fear the Lord honor their father,
and serve their parents as masters.
In word and deed honor your father,
that all blessings may come to you.
A father’s blessing gives a person firm roots,
but a mother’s curse uproots the growing plant.
Do not glory in your father’s disgrace,
for that is no glory to you!
A father’s glory is glory also for oneself;
they multiply sin who demean their mother.
My son, be steadfast in honoring your father;
do not grieve him as long as he lives.
Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him;
do not revile him because you are in your prime.
Kindness to a father will not be forgotten;
it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root.
In time of trouble it will be recalled to your advantage,
like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.

~Sirach 3:3-15~

You did catch this part, right?
Several times over the years, we have both suggested that perhaps she should move closer to us to enable us to be available to her, and offered help in doing so. My brother offered her free room and board when she lost her job, until she could get established here and on her feet. My husband and I have suggested the possibility of finding her a low cost 55+ apartment and helping her with the rent, at least for a while. Neither my brother nor I can afford to support her completely or forever. These offers have always been made coinciding with job losses, so we were never asking her to just drop her life and move. She has categorically refused to even consider moving here, even when her unemployment ran out and I suggested it again.

She has chosen her wants over the help her children could offer. She has turned down opportunities to employ herself, which, excuse me, any good parent from the Old Testament would always have taken. Neither would anyone in the Old Testament consider that offering to take a parent into your own home was a failure in parent care. It has never been the expectation of moral people that their children must set them up in private housing when the parents are too old to care for themselves in order to “honor” them as the Commandment requires!!

 

[ahollars]

You did catch this part, right?
Several times over the years, we have both suggested that perhaps she should move closer to us to enable us to be available to her, and offered help in doing so. My brother offered her free room and board when she lost her job, until she could get established here and on her feet. My husband and I have suggested the possibility of finding her a low cost 55+ apartment and helping her with the rent, at least for a while. Neither my brother nor I can afford to support her completely or forever. These offers have always been made coinciding with job losses, so we were never asking her to just drop her life and move. She has categorically refused to even consider moving here, even when her unemployment ran out and I suggested it again.

She has chosen her wants over the help her children could offer. She has turned down opportunities to employ herself, which, excuse me, any good parent from the Old Testament would always have taken. Neither would anyone in the Old Testament consider that offering to take a parent into your own home was a failure in parent care. It has never been the expectation of moral people that their children must set them up in private housing when the parents are too old to care for themselves in order to “honor” them as the Commandment requires!!

This!

However, consider the line “Even if his mind fails…” That can be a very heavy cross to bear for some families.

I often wonder if families were better off with multiple generations either under one roof or on the same property. As long as the primacy of marriage obligations is honored, are we better off? I’ve paid rent to my in-laws before to temporarily stay, and I never felt violated. Am I lucky, or is that normal? The time is coming for me when I may have to step up and bring my parents into the home. Even if I never have to, I should be ready in case I need to. I believe the OP has reached this point as well.

You can pick friends, but you were assigned to your family by God.

 

[EasterJoy]

This!

However, consider the line “Even if his mind fails…” That can be a very heavy cross to bear for some families.

I often wonder if families were better off with multiple generations either under one roof or on the same property. As long as the primacy of marriage obligations is honored, are we better off? I’ve paid rent to my in-laws before to temporarily stay, and I never felt violated. Am I lucky, or is that normal? The time is coming for me when I may have to step up and bring my parents into the home. Even if I never have to, I should be ready in case I need to. I believe the OP has reached this point as well.

You can pick friends, but you were assigned to your family by God.

You’re right, it is very hard to know when it is time to step in and take over; that is, how to know if a person can’t make better choices, whether they stubbornly choose not to, or whether they are so habitual in their preference for bad choices that they’ve made themselves the slaves of their bad choices (aka sins). The law, on top of that, can tie the family’s hands, whether for better or for worse.

I’ve lived with three generations under one roof. It isn’t easy, but it is a good thing. It is really a good thing when a parent needs more help than is practical for their children to give them while living in a different house, because they don’t need to have their lives turned upside down to get that help. There are still situations where professional care is needed–it is not family failure every time an elder is living in a nursing home!–but when the parents and children can tolerate living under the same roof without someone being under-cared-for or overwhelmed by the arrangement, I think it is a good thing.

 

[SlackerCatholic]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies.

To those who want to throw Bible verses at me to show how wrong I am, I’d like to point out that Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4 instruct parents not to aggravate their children. My mother, who spent much of my formative years “educating” me about how terrible the Catholic Church is, has tried to use the 4th Commandment against me when she thinks I am not doing what I should. Apparently, she agrees with just enough Catholicism to use it as another club.

When an adult has not been legally declared incompetent and is not old enough for senior citizen interventions, I’m learning that options for dealing with these situations are extremely limited. She refuses to answer her phone for us, but has talked again to my grandpa’s widow. She had grandma convinced to send one of her unrelated family members to pay her rent until my brother talked her out of it! I am livid that she is taking advantage of the soft heart and goodwill of a retired old lady! She won’t answer for us because she knows she won’t get what she wants.

I told my brother that unless something changes, I am calling the police out there. One look at her apartment will hopefully trigger involvement by mental health and other authorities.

Thanks again for the thoughts and support.

 

[EasterJoy]

…She won’t answer for us because she knows she won’t get what she wants…

Thanks again for the thoughts and support.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. This is one of those difficult “have the courage to change what you can, the serenity to accept what you can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference” situations, and that is very hard, especially between parents and adult children.

Hang in there!

 

[cheezey]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies.

To those who want to throw Bible verses at me to show how wrong I am, I’d like to point out that Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4 instruct parents not to aggravate their children. My mother, who spent much of my formative years “educating” me about how terrible the Catholic Church is, has tried to use the 4th Commandment against me when she thinks I am not doing what I should. Apparently, she agrees with just enough Catholicism to use it as another club.

When an adult has not been legally declared incompetent and is not old enough for senior citizen interventions, I’m learning that options for dealing with these situations are extremely limited. She refuses to answer her phone for us, but has talked again to my grandpa’s widow. She had grandma convinced to send one of her unrelated family members to pay her rent until my brother talked her out of it! I am livid that she is taking advantage of the soft heart and goodwill of a retired old lady! She won’t answer for us because she knows she won’t get what she wants.

I told my brother that unless something changes, I am calling the police out there. One look at her apartment will hopefully trigger involvement by mental health and other authorities.

Thanks again for the thoughts and support.

I can’t say I have been through this; I only know that it is frustrating when people blow off chances when there was no apparent reason to do so. And it must be frustrating for you that she isn’t ‘senior’ enough to go that route. I am no expert but you might check the local laws of incapacity. Her hoarding may not be enough to involve the mental health route, but it’s worth a check. She may only be in violation of building codes, which could get her evicted. Depends on the state. And the states vary regarding forcing patients into medical care against their will. I had a relative who, in her 50s, clearly needed to be institutionalized, albeit temporarily, but since she wouldn’t go voluntarily; there was nothing the family could do for years. Short of commiting a crime, there was nothing that could be done. Miraculously, she “woke up” and received the much needed help on her own, thank God.

I will pray for you and your family.
Blessings

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

If she (Mom) is a hoarder, she’s not quite right in the head, and needs a certain kind Of help. It’s a tough situation and I wish you the best. I’ve almost BTDT…