Anything by Frank Jacobs.
Once upon a cold November, back in `80, you’ll remember,
Came to pass a great election, with a wondrous change in store;
By a landslide, one was winning, promising a new beginning;
Tall and proud, he stood there, grinning, like so many times before;
Who was he, this cool one, grinning, like so many times before?
'Twas The Reagan, nothing more.
Once he was inaugurated, Reaganomics he created,
Promising a balanced budget, like we had in days of yore;
“Though,” he said, "our debt is growing, and a bundle we are owing,
“I’ll cut taxes, 'cause I’m knowing this will save us bucks galore;”
“Please explain,” a newsman asked, “how will this save us bucks galore?”
Quoth The Reagan, “Less is more.”
Pushing for defense, he pleaded, brand-new missiles would be needed:
“That’s the only way,” he said, “to keep the country out of war;”
“True,” he said, "they’re not required, and they’re not meant to be fired;
“In five years they’ll be retired–still we must build hundreds more;”
“Tell us why,” a newsman asked, “we must be building hundreds more?”
Quoth The Reagan, “Jobs galore.”
Was he real or from a movie? “Make my day” sure sounded groovy,
Standing up to Congress or the rebels in El Salvador;
Flicks like “Rambo” he promoted (sev’ral times, it should be noted);
Once John Wayne he even quoted, when Kaddafi threatened war;
“Does this mean,” a newsman asked, “we’re heading toward a Mid-East war?”
Quoth The Reagan, “Hit the shore.”
During times he wasn’t dozing, many plans he was proposing,
Dealing with the deficit, which he no longer could ignore;
“Cuts,” he said, "I’m recommending, pending our ascending spending,
“With attending trends suspending, then extending as before.”
“Does this mean,” a newsman asked, “a balanced budget like before?”
Quoth The Reagan, “Nevermore!”
If you can get yourself a fancy title,
Though no one knows just what your job’s about,
If you can screw up projects that are vital,
Then shift the blame before they find you out;
If you can treat a rival like a brother,
Then stab him in the back each chance you can;
If you can steal the program of another,
Then take the credit that it was your plan;
If you can rig expenses that are phony,
While everyone believes that they are real;
If you can take long lunches with a crony,
And make your boss believe you’ve closed a deal;
If you can get the office staff to love you,
When in your heart of hearts you think they’re dirt;
If you can look alive to those above you,
When nine to five no effort you exert;
If you can seem free-thinking and courageous,
Yet always end up siding with your boss;
If you can get a mammoth raise in wages,
Yet make him feel you’re working at a loss;
If every line that’s written here you’ve noted,
And every rule and precept you obey,
Then to the highest spot you’ll be promoted,
Unless, of course, you’re knifed along the way.
If you can buck a mob of lady shoppers
And get outside without a scratch or bite;
If you can get a dentist for your choppers
To fix a toothache on a Sunday night;
If you can smack a truck with your jalopy
And make the driver think he was to blame;
If you can be a loafer, poor and sloppy,
Yet have the world think you’re some famous name;
If you can change a tire on the thruway,
wile stranded in the busy center lane;
If you can find a foolproof, tried-and-true way
to housebreak an impossible Great Dane;
If you can find another way to open
A sardine tin when you have lost the key;
If you can find a fumbled bar of sop in
Your shower when the suds wont let you see;
If you can rid your house of dull relations
By faking mumps or plague or Asian flu;
If you can go through tax investigations
And somehow wind up with them owing you;
If you can read these verses as we list 'em
And answer “Yes” to each and every one;
Then, Charlie, you have really licked the system-
And now we wish you’d tell us how it’s done.
