What can I do to feel Catholic again?

[Iplaybaseball39]

Hello, I am a 22 year-old male in college. I used to be relatively religious back when I was way younger. I am a science major (biology) and I guess I sort of started to question the existence of God. I started taking physics courses and other science courses which present some good scientific evidence against God and because I want to either be a research scientist of a lawyer after college I naturally have a questioning mind and seek answers which is why i believe i’m so good at math/science. So I just stopped believing and sort of became an atheist. I feel so blasphemous because I was using science to try and disprove God. I also started sinning a whole lot more. I have had premarital sex with a couple past girlfriends. I lust after women and I have engaged in masturbation too many times that I can remember. I swear way too much. I have used bad language against God and people who believed in God because I was frustrated at them because I thought I was such a smart atheist. I skip church usually. I’m pretty sure I had communion while in a mortal sin state. I just feel like I’m not Catholic anymore. I want to go back to being religious. Lately I’ve just been feeling alone in the world like no one loves me. I have some serious issues with my family. My dad always is putting down my mom and and med and always insulting and swearing at us and making us feel bad. He is a recovering alcoholic and I still believe it has permanently affected his mind. I have let my pride become my downfall. I want to be able to pray every night before bed again like I used to. I just am mortified that God hates me with a passion. When I think about all of my past sins…there are so many and I feel like they is way too many for God to forgive. I wish I could take all of my behavior back. I know God is alive and well. He is my savior and I want to go back to him. I just feel so unworthy of going back to him. It almost feels like my going back to God would just be a waste of his time. I’ve been trying to resist lusting over women and masturbation but I find it to be very difficult, especially at my age. Do you have any tips for helping resist temptation. I have also decided that I will now try to see science in a very different light. I will now try to see the beauty in how God is like the ultimate scientist. All of the math equations that describe our universe, all of the biological wonders and how chemistry makes up all the matter that we can see. God must be a mathematical genius to come up with all of that. Where do I go from here? I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I want Jesus to have my back again. I want to be close to my God. I want to be a good example for everyone and help to do God’s work on earth. I want to stop sinning. Please help me. I’ve really been struggling with this for about a year and I’ve cried and felt so burdened this year. I thank you so much in advance for your help. God bless you and have a good day

 

[Fr.Vincent_Serpa]

My dear friend,

As I read your statement that you took courses that “present good scientific arguments against God,” I couldn’t help but smile. Science simply does not have the tools to deal with the spiritual. Besides, all that is measurable and predictable is the result of the Creator.
You mention that you just stopped believing. But then you mention the context that has surrounded your life: your father’s serious alcohol problem and the anger and hostility he has unleashed on you and your mother. He now sounds like what is called a dry alcoholic, which means that he may not be actually drinking, but still retains all the negative behavior.

It is no wonder that you have experienced a desire to rid yourself of the past by giving up on God with all the demands that come from living a holy Christian life. I am sure that you don’t realize how much energy your father’s behavior has exacted from you. Now you feel tired, guilty, confused and without worth. As abnormal as all this may feel, such reaction is quite normal. You’re only human, after all.

Buddy, God fully understands this. If I can recognize this, certainly He does. He has obviously allowed you to experience such pain. But this does not mean that He has given up on you. It’s just the opposite. By this experience He is challenging you to be a better person than you would have been if everything had gone smoothly. Being able to love your father in the face of all the ugliness of his actions can draw far more love out of you than if all had been otherwise. This is not to deny the ugliness. But only God knows the self-hatred and confusion your father feels. The more he lashes out at others, the more he hates himself—especially when the others are the people he loves the most.

You and your mother need to attend al anon meetings, if you haven’t already. As for getting your spiritual life back on track, take a breath; take several breathes and don’t put more pressure on yourself. Realize that you have been through a lot. The Lord is very patient. He loves you very much. He considers you to be worth the blood He shed for you. We simply cannot out-sin His love for us. So, begin on the inside, reflecting on this. Go slow. Spend some time just sitting before the tabernacle and thinking about all that He was willing to endure in order to have you love Him. It is obvious to me that you certainly have faith. (You make a lousy atheist!) I suggest that you talk to a priest. You may write me privately by clicking on my name above. I will be sending you a reflection on His passion to help you during your time with Him.

You are in our prayers.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.