What Can I Learn?

[Issa87]

I am 26 years old and live with my parents. I don’t have a car or my driver’s license because I need to pay off 2 tickets from 4 years ago. I am broke and sick. My health has progressively gotten better over the past 5 years, but it is really taking its time for me to regain my strength and stamina back. It sucks. I have to be driven everywhere by my parents. What makes it so frustrating is that I feel like a little girl rather than my age. The thing is, I’ve lived on my own before. I was very responsible. I used to have 3 jobs at one point. Now, all I do is go to school and church. I am not close to either of my parents. I talk to them, but we don’t have a bond, and so they see me as something they have to put up with. They always have. I hate how they make me feel. Today, for instance, I asked if we could go to a nearby parish, 10 miles from us so I could go to confession and then stop at the grocery store next to the church, my dad said it was bad enough they take me to my holy hour once a week and now I want to go out of the way to confession? (my godparents take me to mass on Sundays, and if I go to mass during the week I take the bus.) He told me to get my prioreties straight. He said no. I wasn’t going. First off, the last time I asked him to take me to confession at my parish, he complained then, too, and made a big thing of it. My parents are not practicing Catholics, as my dad put it, “Everything that comes out of your mouth is catholic. That is very annoying.” …Normally, if I want to go to that parish that is out of the way for confession, I take the bus, but today, I feel weak and tired. My parents had just picked me up from my holy hour, and hours earlier I had asked my mom about taking me to a couple stores and to confession and she said to ask my dad. Well, when they both picked me up from holy hour, I assumed we were all going. So, I asked, and my dad got all defensive and upset.
I’m just sick of this. I’ve been sick of this since I was a kid. As a child I spent as much time away from my parents as I could. I don’t understand why I can’t find a way out of this house, for good. I want out, and I feel like there must be some reason why I, at 26 years old and chronically sick, am still here. My weakness in my health can’t even be proven. Most of my problems are not even proven. Not that they don’t exist, but medicine doesn’t have a way to prove what I’ve been going through. Even at my worst, 5 years ago, they couldn’t prove much. All of my lab work was normal except for my esophagus being too narrow. …I was such an independent person. I wanted to have a phone-only relationship with my parents. I mean, I never wanted to see them again. Speaking to them on the phone was fine. I used to call them, but being around them was always so awkward and they always brought out insecurities in me. I just want my life back. What can I learn from this? What can I learn from their mistreatment? Any ideas? It’s bad enough I’m too sick to live an active life. It’s hard enough just going to school. I’m not even sure how I make the grades I do. I certainly don’t get out of my education what I should. I bring home good grades, A’s, B’s, and C’s. I decided to go to school instead of wasting away at home all the time. But it really takes effort to go. I mean it takes physical effort to go. I’m actually stronger than when I started going to school, and everyone can see that. People have told me that, and it is true, but I still struggle everyday. I long for a life where I am an independent person far away from my parents. For the past few years, I accepted it. Physically, I really didn’t have a choice, and even though I don’t have a choice now, I really wish I did.

 

[EasterJoy]

First of all, consider that it is not mistreatment to take in a child who is well into adulthood. Your parents don’t owe you a place to live. So while they are not being as giving as you may like, they are being giving and making sacrifices at a time in your life when they, too, might have hoped you would be beyond the need for their help. Also consider that someone with the gift of faith is naturally going to be less inclined to make sacrifices for the sake of the faith than someone who has the gift.

You are, unfortunately, in much the same situation as someone who is retired and in poor health. It is hard and very frustrating for an adult to be dependent on others. When you get better and you can drive again, be sure to remember this. The idea that some day you will be better and able to drive again for people who are suffering as you are suffering now will help you to keep your drive to hang in there so that you do get out of this situation.

Ask your lovely godparents for advice. They may be able to help you take the load of driving you to religious duties off of your parents. The problem of confession, for example, may be as simple as getting someone to drive you early to the Vigil Mass, because confessions are often at that time. You may also be able to do more of your devotions at home, or with the driving help of a friend, in order to sacrificially take the load off of those who are feeling a strain at the sacrifices they are making for you.

Sometimes, parents fail in little ways, just as we all do, but your parents are still making big sacrifices on your behalf. This song was written by a husband for a wife, but it could as easily have been written by a parent for a child:

*Maybe I didn’t treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should’ve said and done
I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
I guess I never told you
That I am so happy that you’re mine
If I made you feel second best
I’m so sorry I was blind

But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
I’ll keep you satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind*

Try to be compassionate towards your parents, because they are giving you a lot. You can also, as an adult, take it upon yourself to have a bond with your parents by taking an interest in those things that interest them. Sometimes loving the person who is right in front of you is much harder than loving a stranger in need. Think about that. You may get through this with a greater understanding of people who will spend the rest of their lives in your condition, as well as a greater affection for your parents.

You’re going through a rough time…hang in there, and don’t be too hard on those you love, including you. God loves you all, and has patience for you all. Let go a few expectations, though…that will help.

 

[EasterJoy]

someone without the gift of faith is naturally going to be less inclined to make sacrifices for the sake of the faith than someone who has the gift

 

[Issa87]

Easterjoy, I understand what you are saying. As a teen, I felt my parents did the best they could, but their mistreatment hurt. They never made decisions that were in my best interest but in theirs. I was told over and over how selfish I was, and I would cry to my best friend and ask if I was really that selfish. She would tell me, “You have to be selfish. No one is looking out for you.” And that was BEFORE I got sick. I have always been alone. Infact, as a little girl, I was so lonely I begged for a sibling. My mother was fine with just me, but when she had my brother when I was 10, she would hand him off to me all the time. When I would protests at times, she would say, “You are the one who wanted him.” And she was right. I was the one who wanted him, so that shut me up.

My mom even has my funeral planned. Instead of figuring out how to help me (there are alternative methods that even my former family physician has used and recommended), they expect me to figure things out on my own. They always have. Now, my 15 year old brother is getting out of control, and I saw this coming years ago. I told my parents to be more involved in his life, but they didn’t and now they think it’s my brother’s fault. I understand it partially is, but he is the way they taught him how to be: lazy.
As a kid, I was such a driven child, but if my parents had to go out of the way, they complained. They would make me quit.

They did kick me out 4 years ago, but I ended up hospitalized twice during the last 3 months of the 8 months I was away, so when I came back when I felt if I didn’t stop I was going to run my body into the ground six feet under(and I mean if I didn’t get the rest I clearly needed), they allowed me to live here, but they didn’t call up themselves and say, “Hey, I hear you may need some help. Do you want to come stay with me?” I got worse after I moved in, and no one bothered to care for me. If I needed to crawl around the house to get what I needed, then that’s what I had to do, because they complained the one day I was too weak to get out of bed for anything.

I know they are trying their best, but they are very self-centered and self people. I’m tired of being made to feel bad because I have needs of my own.

*I do hope I can use my pain to help others. In fact, I do what I can right now. My godfather had a stroke and can’t do very much. He is still lucid, but weak. When I tell him of how useless I felt during my worst times, it makes him feel better that I understand his pain.

And anytime I see a person in need, if I am capable to help, I always offer in whatever form I can. I have always felt the call to help people. It is one of my dreams to be able to do it more actively as I get better.

 

[Schedman]

My Friend

Maybe God has put you there for a reason. Turn to prayer and ask God for discernment. I was very close with my parents. I lost my mother three years ago and I have cherished my dad even more since her death. Maybe you can’t seem to melt your parents heart but I am sure God can. You want independence from your parents but maybe the greater goal would be to seek true freedom in God. I will pray for you and you parents.

 

[EasterJoy]

“I know they are trying their best, but they are very self-centered and self people.”

One of my aunts, during her battle with cancer, told me of her situation: “I don’t know how people without faith do it.” The same could be said of parenting. Those who are not born with a natural generosity towards their children have a hard time of it. Even if they give less, they enjoy it less, because it is so hard for them to give freely, and they do not have the Lord to lean on. So yes, they may be trying their best, and then some. The only thing worse than being around self-centered people is being stuck being one. Still, even a person who is otherwise generous can fail at being a caregiver for an adult child, so when you are at your wits’ end, try to give them credit for that. This is a hard situation for everyone, not just you. Looking for reasons (which don’t have to be excuses) will help you forgive them for what they do that hurts you, kind of like knowing that a teen is throwing tantrums because he or she is tired and hungry. Try to let go of how they failed you during your childhood, and try to dwell more on the things they do for you today. Maybe it is a gift that could be improved, maybe it comes with strings that sting, but it is still a real gift.

“I’m tired of being made to feel bad because I have needs of my own.”

This, you can address, but if you are like most of us, you will need help. Your parents, if my reading of your characterization is a fair view of them–and I can’t know that, because your report might be either unfair or more than fair!–have a habit of manipulating your feelings by trying to use guilt and shame to get you to do what they want. They may not even realize that this is what they are doing, but whether or not they do, you can learn to use their comments only as a suggestion in your own self-examination.

I mean that you don’t have to feel the feelings they are trying to provoke you to feel. You can learn to divert those guilt and shame arrows coming your way, and let them fly off into space…and by all means, let all the shame arrows have that fate. The guilt arrows, that is the realization that you have committed a real offense, those require repentance, a firm purpose of amendment, and whatever you can do to redress the harm you have done. The shame arrows, the feeling that you are a lesser person, those are always from the devil. God has deemed you worthy of the dignity of a child of God, and nothing you do can change that.

I hope you can find someone who will help you learn to ignore those habitual attacks just as surely as you would learn to graciously ignore someone else’s offensive lack of manners as no reflection on you. You are very unlikely to re-train your parents, except by denying them the results they hope for when they pull this stuff. That may make them very mad and ramp up the behavior for awhile, but in the end it usually at least tones it down. People tend to slack off on behaviors that don’t net the reward they were looking for.

 

[hamandcheese]

I am sorry for your situation and I am praying for you. I think you need to come up with some plan to get out of that house and just as important as that you must find away to forgive your parents. I know its easier said then done but dwelling on all the bad things they have done and are doing is just going to drain you and pull you down. Forgive them the best that you can and when you start to think about all the rotten things they have done chase those thoughts out of your mind, offer it up to God, and focus on your plan to get out of there. Even if it’s a long term plan its better to think about something positive. Good luck and God bless you.

 

[Issa87]

Thank you, you all have given me some things to think about. I very much appreciate your prayers, thank you.

I do think my portrayal of them is accurate, but then again, we don’t know what they are thinking. I understand everyone’s journey in life is at a different pace. I just don’t like suffering from their mistakes. In the past my dad has admitted on good days that he has tried to break my spirit (refering to when I was growing up) and that he blames himself for my spirit dying. He also said that he resented me. (I’m guessing for being born, since he was 16 when he became a dad. He told me this revelation during a phone conversation. It wasn’t to hurt me, but I think to explain himself in a way) Back when I got kicked out after getting sick I was so lost. One of my guy friends had to repeatedly remind me that he (my friend) was my equal. I was so broken, I was like a deer caught in headlights 24/7. It was like I could no longer think for myself during this time. I was looking for him to tell me what to do. Like I needed guidance on how to do daily tasks, which is so out of character for me. I’m usually a very head-strong person. Over the years I had gradually began to shut down, stop feeling and stop thinking. It didn’t matter what I felt and thought anyway. My few friends that I had before getting sick would tell me after I got sick that I “was in no shape to be sick to begin with,” because I was so emotionally drained from my parents. As a 15 year old, I remember telling my mother that she was so toxic for me and that I wish I could get away from her for a couple years to get her out of my head. I told her, “I just need a couple years to rid you of my conscience so I can learn to think for myself, because you are perminently in my head, and whenever I try to do things your way it always bites me.” A few years later she did admit to the fact any time I took her advice it always backfired, but that’s because my parents are so immature. Also, when I watch home movies, I have no memory of what is being video taped, so what I watch is from the outside looking in. I’m seeing my parents and their attitude toward me. I’m not doing anything. It just comes out naturally to them, and you can tell that I’m not phased by how they are talking to me, I’m obviously use to it. …After I got kicked out when I was sick, my mom’s siblings and parents told me that they never liked the way my parents treated me, but they didn’t feel it was their place to say, and that they were very upset with how they were handling my illness. Although, no one else stepped up to help me find the right doctors or anything, either, but I appreciated the support that they did give. It was more than I got at home, but only my mom’s brother invited me to stay with him. Which I did for a couple months, but he’s very abusive, so I left before it was directed towards me.

I never wanted to see my parents as the enemy when I was a teen. I wanted to give them credit. I wanted to be close to them, but their “love” hurt. I kept going back and forth from trying to love them to being frustrated, hurt, and furious with them. I really just wanted to be rid of all of this toxicity a long time ago.

Their words and actions don’t affect me nearly as much as they did when I was younger, and there are moments of enlightenment here and there from them, but not often. I want out of their madness. If they are suppose to learn from me, I want it to be from a distance. I just think I deserve to get on with my life. I don’t like their immaturity. We don’t have much in common. My dad once said I dance to the beat of my own drum. He is right. I’ve always been more mature than my parents in many ways. I have had a habit of correcting them over the years. Many times, years later, my dad will admit that I had been right, but during the present, I am always wrong. I hate having the roles reversed. I resent that from them. I don’t like being more mature than they are. I have a teacher I am close to at my college. We got to know each other for about a year. She is in her 50s and tells me I think like a 60 or 70 year old. She’s not the first person to tell me I am very mature for my age. My grandma and others over the years have told me that, too. I am usually accepting of where I am in my life, knowing there is a reason for it, but sometimes I wonder if I am still here with them because I haven’t done something I should do or learned something I should learn.

I go back and forth from being forgiving to being angry with them a lot when they make me feel bad. It really depends on the situation if I allow it to upset me, but I like what you said, Easterjoy, that those who aren’t graced with the spirit of faith find it hard to be giving. You are right. I will have to keep this in mind as I go through this time in my life.

 

[Cat]

I think you should go to more doctors, including psychiatrists, to find out exactly what is wrong with you so you can get proper treatment, recover, and move out of your parents house and begin your grown-up life.

No wonder your parents are frustrated and angry–they have an invalid at home in their care, but no diagnosis, no treatment, and no hope for recovery! The way they see it, they are stuck with you, someone they don’t seem to like very much and never have liked, until you pass away, and that is a very depressing prospect for them! They probably have a lot of doubts over whether you are really, truly ill or not, and that doesn’t help their attitude towards you.

You talk about getting better and stronger–but you have no idea what’s wrong with you! How can you get better?! You might get worse! You might die! How can you tell?

What are doing to treat whatever is wrong with you? Maybe the reason you’re sick is that you are allergic to something in your house, or something that you eat or drink, but if you don’t know this, you’ll keep exposing yourself to the allergen and keep getting sicker.

You HAVE to find out what is wrong with you, and start getting the proper treatment! That should be your primary goal at this point!

So all your labs are normal! BIg deal! My dad had cancer (died of it on Feb. 15), and ALL HIS LAB TESTS WERE NORMAL!!!

I work in a hospital lab (microbiology).

You may very well have normal lab tests (BMP, CBC, UA, etc.), but be very sick, because lab tests do not test for all illnesses. They are a general screen for your general health, but they are not specific for specific illnesses. The doctor has to order specific tests to screen for specific illnesses.

For example, someone with lupus will have normal lab tests (for the most part), but unless the doctor orders a test called an ANA, the lupus will not show up in lab testing. And to complicate matters, many people with lupus have normal ANAs, in which case the doctor must base the diagnosis on the symptoms more than on the lab test. We actually put out a disclaimer on our ANAs that states that a diagnosis cannot be determined by lab testing alone, but must be correlated with symptoms!

Another example of this is Epstein-Barr virus, which causes many of the symptoms that you are describing in your OP. If the doctor just orders a CBC, unless you have a mononucleosis (caused by Epstein Barr), the CBC will be normal. There are many manifestations of EB virus that will not show up on a CBC. The doc needs to order tests for one of these manifestations.

I mentioned my dad’s cancer above. My mother had rheumatoid arthritis (which, in the beginning stages, sounds similiar to your symptoms). All her labs were normal, even her RA test (Rheumatoid Arthritis). The diagnosis was made on the basis of her symptoms, not the lab tests. Lab tests are not the Final Word when it comes to illness.

If one doctor tells you you’re normal, don’t accept this, because obviously you’re not normal! Normal people aren’t tired and weak all the time! Go to another doctor! And make sure to go to psychiatrists, too, because there are a lot of mental disorders that produce physical symptoms and disabilities. Depression comes to mind–this illness (chemical inbalance) produces devastating physical symptoms. Often people who are depressed can’t even muster up the energy to get out of bed or eat. Or sometimes they eat non-stop. Chemical balance depression is treatable with meds!

PLEASE make sure to go to REAL doctors, not “naturopaths” or “chiropracters” or any kind of spiritual advisors. Go to doctors who have the letters “M.D.” or “D.O.” after their names. I would recommend a university hospital if you are able to get to one. Often university hospitals are better at diagnosing more obscure illnesses.

I think you are trying to blame your illness on your parents and their treatment of you. Obviously you and your parents are a very poor “fit” for each other, and it sounds like it’s been that way since your birth. You don’t get along and never have. That’s awful and I’m really sorry that this is the hand you have been dealt in this life.

But it is the way it is, and it probably will never, ever change, unless God intervenes with a miracle.

Just accept your parents the way they are, and accept yourself the way you are, and call one oil, and the other water, and accept that there will never be a “blend” of oil and water.

Your parents will never change, and so if you are counting on them to change so that you can get better, it won’t happen and you’ll never ever get “better.” Stop waiting for your parents to heal you by changing their personalities. You will have a lot more peace if you just accept things the way they are instead of railing against circumstances that will probably never change.

I would add that you should be very very grateful that your parents are willing to give you room and board. A lot of parents would have thrown you out years ago, and they would not have taken you back in even when you got sick. So be glad that you have a safe place to stay, a warm bed, food, and a way to get to church.

Stop just thinking about the way you would like your life to be, and instead, go on a quest to find out what is causing your illness, and get it treated and start living your life.

Good luck to you.

 

[Issa87]

OMG. You just hit the nail on the head. I have blamed my mother for my illness. I didnt feel good for over a year before I got sick. I could never finish my food, always complained that the food made me feel weird and I needed to eat healthier. When I stayed with my grandmother who cooked healthy I felt good, but that was for a short time and I couldnt live with her. I tried to eat healthy, but my mom wouldn’t buy healthy food and I could only afford to pay her rent, not my own groceries with my car payment and insurance. I told a lady at work this and she said to buy my groceries instead of paying rent. When I told my mom that idea she would have none of it. Recently, when the subject came up I reminded my mom of those days when I could still eat everything, but wasnt feeling good and how she treated me like a picky eater, even when I told her the food tasted fine, but it was how it made me feel, but she wouldnt listen. I told her, “This is your pay-back for being so self-involved. Maybe if you listened to me to begin with and helped me out a big more I would have moved out of the house and stayed out.” I moved out a month before I got sick, but it was too late.

I became allergic to EVERYTHING. I found out half of my allergies from an allergist, but it took me seeing a chiropractor (that my MD told me to see) who found the rest of my allergies. And ever since I’ve been following the GAPS diet, I have been getting stronger. My kidney do not drain so easily, and now I can drink water instead of vegetable water more often. I didnt have enough saturated fat in my diet to utilize the minerals. A B12 deficiency and vitamin D deficiency also contributed to not being able to utilize the minerals, but I fixed those problems last year and I still hadnt fully recovered. In fact, last month after 3 weeks on a high fat diet, I was strong enough to go for a walk. I called all of my friends, I was so excited. Also, a few days later I was on the phone and started to stretch (like a dancer does with my legs in the air) without thinking. The next day it hit me, “omg, I was stretching yesterday!” I hadnt felt strong enough to stretch in many many months. In fact, I quit dancing (not that I was capable of much dancing to begin with. I was very weak, but it helped me regain coordination skills, my balance, and taking directions. All skills I had lost due to the B12 deficiency. But I stopped dancing because my kidneys were working too hard.) I know most of my problems are digestion related. My gall bladder works at 3%, but I was too weak to get it out 2 years ago when we had that tested. I had a b12 deficiency and we didn’t know it, yet. Now, that I feel stronger, I rarely have gall bladder attacks. Also, I deal with pancreas issues, since I had acute and severe pancreatitis 3 years ago. All of these problems has also affected my kidneys, I’ve been hospitalized with acute kidney failure because I have a hard time maintaining my electrolytes, which I think has to do more with my digestive system than my kidneys because my kidney always recover pretty quickly, but thats why I can’t drink much water by itself. It will drain me. So, I boil vegetables and drink that water with the leeched minerals.

My guess, all of these digestive related problems have in part to due with me being a preemie and always having acute digestive issues; being under constant stress growing up; eating a poor diet growing up; and GMO foods. Im allergic all of those chemicals like pesticides and hormones.

I have seen psychiatrists. Well, I saw one in the beginning when I first became allergic to everything and couldnt eat. He misdiagnosed me with anorexia. He was such a jerk. But I saw the eating disorder counselor he referred me to. I liked her so much I asked if I could continue to see her even though she told me I didnt have an eating disorder. I knew that, btw. I saw her for 8 or 9 months before my insurance cut me off from seeing her. She explained to me that if she felt I needed her assistance that she would tell the insurance, but that I was a very strong woman and I was going to be just fine. I protested that I felt hopeless and didn’t know what to do or where to go since things at home weren’t good (a month later is when I got kicked out) and we still had yet to figure out what was wrong with me. (this was before the gall bladder diagnosis, severe pancreatitis, or acute kidney failure episodes) She told me I would get through it, and that she wasn’t worried about me. Since then, Ive seen another counselor, who felt I didnt need him, either. I saw him for about a month, and ever since the first time, he would laugh when I would make another appointment, because he felt I didn’t need him. When I went to my school psychiatrists, she told me the same thing. She said that I already had all of the tools that the mental health facility at school provides, that I am past all of that. She said I am more than welcome to use them, but that they are just going to tell me what I already know.

I am not above seeing mental help professionals. Ive had a hard life even before I got sick. I would go to my school counselors and psychiatrists on my own every year since 8th grade. They all told me I had a good head on my shoulders and didn’t need them. I felt otherwise, but that is what they said, all of them. I had a different counselor and psychiatrist every year in junior high and high school. I tried it every year.

Also, I had one GI doctor who wanted to send me to a university hospital when I first got sick, but the hospital is 4 or 5 hours away, so my dad said no. This past year my new GI doctor said the same thing, to send me to that university. My dad was finally willing, but the insurance procrastinated, and now Im off of my dad’s insurance anyway, so there goes that.

Like I’ve said, I know my parents in their own way are trying. They don’t know what love is or how to love, but I do realize that in their own way they care.

 

[Issa87]

I am also thankful for what I do have. God has changed my parents in many ways. They are better towards me than they were 2 years ago and definitely better towards me than when I was a kid. I do recognize that and all that they do, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they make me feel bad for having my own needs or being my own person. It just brings up those feelings that I had growing up all over again. I’ve disconnected from that place that I was in growing up little by little, but it is hard to do when I am with the same people and it’s the same situations all over again.

 

[Cat]

Well, then, since you have a pretty good idea of your illness and how to correct it, I would keep getting stronger and then LEAVE your parents’ house and maintain a friendly but distant relationship with them. Perhaps when they are very old, they will come to a place where they’ll see that they need to reconcile with you and make things right before they die. But in the meantime, you live your life and let them live theirs. Be a dutiful daughter: send birthday cards, Christmas gifts, try to attend any family get-togethers that you are invited to. But don’t try to be “close” to them, because it probably won’t happen. Just live your life.

I’m not sure what kind of work you would be able to do to support yourself. Hopefully you have some education and skills, and if not, hopefully you will be strong enough to get some training for a job that will earn a sufficient income for you.

BUT…to me, you sound like someone who might qualify for disability. You might even qualify for housing for the disabled. I would check into this. Perhaps it sounds shameful to you, to depend on others. But you said you were a premie, and this definitely will have a life-long effect on your health. (Not so with all premies–it depends on the situation.) It’s not your fault. You aren’t lazy or a con artist because you have physical limitations.

So go ask the appropriate people–your doctor (a real doctor, not a chiropracter) seems like a good place to start asking, since he/she will have to sign all the papers for you to receive disability.

We have beautiful housing for the disabled in our city, and I hope you do, too. You might discover that you have a real ministry with your housemates. Hopefully you will make friends and have a lovely life.

 

[EasterJoy]

I am also thankful for what I do have. God has changed my parents in many ways. They are better towards me than they were 2 years ago and definitely better towards me than when I was a kid. I do recognize that and all that they do, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they make me feel bad for having my own needs or being my own person. It just brings up those feelings that I had growing up all over again. I’ve disconnected from that place that I was in growing up little by little, but it is hard to do when I am with the same people and it’s the same situations all over again.

See, this is the thing. A situation of suffering doesn’t always have something positive to teach, and even when you can find such a use for it, the situation very often goes on after you’ve used it in about every positive and obedient way you can use it. We live in a vale of tears. It is a great habit to look for how every situation, good or bad, can be used to be closer to God or to do God’s work. It is not useful to think that suffering is thrown onto us for some reason. God uses what life throws at us to bring us closer to Himself, but God does not manufacture bad things to come at us so that we can “learn something”. So while we’re all hoping that you’ll be able to realize your hope to make the best of a bad situation, to look for opportunities for obedience, I don’t think anyone thinks that the situation you’re describing has “a good side”. The sooner you can get out of it, the better.

I think you are wise to not look at your parents as “the enemy”, but that doesn’t mean it is disloyal to see them, even in all the good things they do for you and whatever sacrifices they make for you, as a toxic presence in your life. Asking you to live with your parents is like asking a pilot to fly difficult missions every day. It’s not something that would be undertaken, except out of necessity.

Your parents may be heroic in the degree they are giving to you from what they have. I do not mean to bad-mouth your parents. That doesn’t mean that the offenses against you aren’t real or that you ever “get used to” exposure to something that is toxic. If you had poison in your water, but that was the only water you had, sure you’d drink what you had to and take whatever precautions would lower the damage and maybe, in a desert, you’d be thankful to at least have that water to drink. The first chance you got to get yourself to a healthy water source, though, off you’d go. That’s nothing against your parents, necessarily. That is just a reminder that hurtful things hurt, and that is nothing against you that you still have nerve endings left or that you can feel the blows through whatever protective wear you’ve managed to find for yourself.

Get out as soon as you can, protect yourself as well as you can in the meantime, and don’t beat yourself up because hurtful things still hurt you. You’re a human being; allow yourself that much!

 

[AussieTrish]

Today, for instance, I asked if we could go to a nearby parish, 10 miles from us so I could go to confession and then stop at the grocery store next to the church, my dad said it was bad enough they take me to my holy hour once a week and now I want to go out of the way to confession?.. My parents had just picked me up from my holy hour, and hours earlier I had asked my mom about taking me to a couple stores and to confession and she said to ask my dad. Well, when they both picked me up from holy hour, I assumed we were all going. So, I asked, and my dad got all defensive and upset.
.

It’s hard not to be dependent , and very distressing and depressing to be ill,
but I think your parents have been more than fair and kind in doing all that for you, even today!
With a bit of humility, can you not go to Confession at the nearer parish? Expecting your parents to take you 10 miles out of the way after already running you around seems a bit selfish. Especially when they’re not practising Catholics, I think that they are more generous than you personally feel.

Your parents have a right to their life also, and as people get older, running around all over the place can be hard. I hope you will be more considerate of them, just as you expect them to be considerate to you, don’t you think dear.
Having you around being miserable and sick isn’t easy for them, just as it isn’t for you.
I think you’ll find they feel helpless and a bit hopeless sometimes, to see you with so many difficulties, with no relief in sight.
I hope you can find it in your heart to appreciate them more, and make a point of genuinely showing them smiles, kind words, and appreciation.

There are three individuals in the household who have a right to happiness, your Mom, your Dad, and you.

 

[Issa87]

Aussie, you make a good point, execpt I wanted to go to the grocery store over there because they carry foods that aren’t at the nearby grocery store that I had been wanting to get, since I have a limited diet. Also, the last time I went to confession, it was at my own parish, and my dad STILL made a fuss about it. He had nothing to do that day. The other evening, my parents were going out to eat. When I asked them where, they said they didn’t know, yet. So, instead of dropping me off at the church or grocery store and me walking next door to the other while they ate at a restaurant near the church, they’d rather drop me off at home. Also, my dad had spent all day golfing, while my mom had spent all day sleeping. They are in their early 40s. They are not that old. In fact, when my mom isn’t with my dad, she is with her boyfriend. She stays up at all hours of the night and sleeps until the afternoon. She doesn’t work. She will even allow my brother to skip school if she can’t get up in time to take him to school.

And I’m not that miserable anymore. I have to constantly remind them of my limitations because they still expect more out of me than my healthy, 15 year old brother. I constantly have to remind them that I had much more responsibilities than he has ever had since I was in elementary school. Yet, my brother has gotten into so much trouble that he goes to a school that doesn’t require him to take a backpack or even a pencil, nor do they give out homework, all because he’s never been given real guidance, responsibility, or discipline. They were neglectful with me, too, except I had responsibility: my brother, and I cleaned the house, but if I needed guidance or assistance growing up, they had nothing to offer. I always had to figure it out on my own. That hasn’t changed. I really don’t ask much of them. It’s always been really hard for me to ask for anything. Even an ex boyfriend used to tell me not to wait until the last minute if I needed something, because I usually waited until I couldn’t wait anymore to ask for assistance because I was ALWAYS made to feel like a burden, even when I was healthy. So, you can’t even imagine what it was like when I couldn’t live on my own anymore. In fact, when I became too weak to comb my hair 4 years ago, I asked for someone to brush my hair the day I couldn’t do it. No one wanted to. I repeatedly asked over the course of 3 months if someone could help me brush my hair. No one wanted to. I finally had to chop off my once long hair because it had turned into a large knot in the back of my head and I was too weak to brush it because I was in a catabolic state. My hair was like a man’s hair cut. Luckily, it actually was cute on me.

But as far as going to that church for confession. Anytime I want to go to that grocery store I go to confession over there, too. I mean, it’s a beautiful church, I like the priest, and it is next door. I also usually take the bus, because it is hard enough to ask my parents to take me. Otherwise, I do go to my own parish for confession, but Saturdays tend to be inconvenient for my parents, they like to watch movies. So, I go on Wednesday mornings when I am not in school. Actually, the last Saturday I went to confession, which was in January, that’s when my dad through a fit, “you were just their for 5 hours yesterday, and now you want to go back? You are really obsessed.” First off, I was there for 3 hours, and my godparents took me and brought me back, but they didn’t have confession that day. So the next morning I asked my dad if he could take me to confession in the evening.

Thank you Easterjoy. That was really enlightening. I guess I had just come to accept this as my lot in life in a way. I will see what I can do about disability.

 

[Issa87]

And I would ask my godparents to take me. They just live a couple blocks away, but my godfather is pretty dependent on my godmother since his stroke and they have their own family to take care of. Their 30 something year old daughter lives with them along with her 18 year old son and his two toddlers. So, they are great-grandparents with a whole house to take care of. If they go to anything at church, they will tell me and invite me, otherwise, I’d rather not ask any more of them.

 

[CatholicRaven]

You could also ask your parish priest if there is anyone in the parish who might be willing to give you a ride to confession and/or Mass when needed.

Will for you!

 

[EasterJoy]

And I would ask my godparents to take me. They just live a couple blocks away, but my godfather is pretty dependent on my godmother since his stroke and they have their own family to take care of. Their 30 something year old daughter lives with them along with her 18 year old son and his two toddlers. So, they are great-grandparents with a whole house to take care of. If they go to anything at church, they will tell me and invite me, otherwise, I’d rather not ask any more of them.

You don’t need to be asking for them to take care of you in order to ask them for advice. Also, be sure that your godfather will have the greatest empathy for your plight, since except for the grace of God he could be in the same situation himself. Maybe they can’t help you directly, but I’m thinking they’ll be able to give you good advice and support. For instance, your godmother might be willing to come down the street to get you, and you can get out of your house and keep your godfather company while she’s out or too busy to spend time with him, and maybe you can pray the rosary with him. They may also know someone who would be willing to pick you up some of the time. If you arrange your own rides some of the time, you can let your parents know that you’re trying to take some of the work of driving you around off of their shoulders, and that is a way of taking care of them.

 

[Issa87]

You don’t need to be asking for them to take care of you in order to ask them for advice. Also, be sure that your godfather will have the greatest empathy for your plight, since except for the grace of God he could be in the same situation himself. Maybe they can’t help you directly, but I’m thinking they’ll be able to give you good advice and support. For instance, your godmother might be willing to come down the street to get you, and you can get out of your house and keep your godfather company while she’s out or too busy to spend time with him, and maybe you can pray the rosary with him. They may also know someone who would be willing to pick you up some of the time. If you arrange your own rides some of the time, you can let your parents know that you’re trying to take some of the work of driving you around off of their shoulders, and that is a way of taking care of them.

Those are some good ideas. I do call him or he calls me during the week. I know with the two toddlers in the house they are busy, but I like that idea of going to visit him and praying the rosary. I do actually have dial-a-ride. Although, I don’t like to depend on dial-a-ride for my holy hour because once they picked me up a half hour into my holy hour. So, actually, I only depend on my parents to pick me up from one night class a week. I get there by bus, but the bus doesn’t run that late to get home and the class is required for my certificate, so they pick me up for that and holy hour. Other than that, unless it is to the grocery store, they don’t take me to anything else. And if I can plan ahead for my shopping, then I will call a dial-a-ride or have a friend take me. Unfortunately, dial-a-ride ends at 3:30 on Saturdays, so I can get a ride to confession, but I will need someone to pick me up after confession or Mass. I usually stay for Mass if I go to that confession, but sometimes I am tired and don’t want to be out that late.

It’s so sad that they don’t want to do things with me or think to ask me if I need anything or want to spend quality time with me. I had a boyfriend whose mom was always out shopping with his sister every weekend. We all would go out shopping together: his mom, sister, him and I. My parents only wait for me to ask. Meanwhile, if I go to the store and I have money, I ask if they need anything. They usually don’t think to do that with me. And my mom and I have never gone shopping or out to eat by ourselves. When I lived outside the home, I would call her just to talk and she was ready to hang up after 2 or 3 minutes. It never failed. Well, once it did. Once she talked to me for 15 minutes. I thought that was so amazing I called my best friend and told her I just had the best conversation I had ever had with my mom. I mean, she can talk hours on the phone to her friends and relatives, but she doesn’t have anything to say to me.

You could also ask your parish priest if there is anyone in the parish who might be willing to give you a ride to confession and/or Mass when needed.

Will for you!

THANK YOU! I appreciate that very much!